difficult...missing family in the us a bit and starting a family in the uk

i posted in another thread earlier today some of my legal questions about pregnancy...but i'm discovering that in trying for a baby, the part that is the hardest for me isn't worrying about morning sickness, the cost of the child, or the stuff like that, because i know that i'll be ok...it's just the fact that my family wont see their grandchildren very often and i'm having a really tough time dealing with that. im really excited about starting a family, i always have been, even if i'm a little bit nervous, so i'm not concerned about that either. i think it's because my parents and some of their siblings stayed near their families when they were growing up and and so did my parents, so i was always near my grandparents and one of my aunts growing up, and even though my husband's family are fantastic and all live nearby, i'm still feeling a bit sad about my family not being here sometimes. i knew it had to be this way with moving....but i'm finding it really tough. is this weird?  i was just wondering if anyone else felt the same way and if so, how did you deal with it? skype and lots of plane trips? that's what i've been doing so far with visits and all that...i guess you just adjust? sorry for the long post but i was just wondering about other people's opinions...

Totally understandable - and it's definitely a tough issue. BUT skype has made a HUGE difference for my son, who has gotten to know his grandparents (both sides) through skype.  It's the best thing to see him run up to them at the airport with no shyness because he has conversations with them almost every weekend via the computer.

We generally take our vacations with one side of the family or the other.  For my son, it's a great advantage because he gets to see completely different parts of the world when we visit.  I also am lucky that all of the GP's have been willing to make trips to us while he's young, or we would have had less time with them.

For me, the hardest thing has been not having anyone to help with the logistical side of having a child (wanting a date night, going to parent meetings without a child, skipping work for a sick child) and if your husband's family is amenable to helping you with those things I would suggest it's good to accept help where you get it.  Grandchildren also really help cement the extended family relationships in my experience, which meant that I have grown closer to my husband's parents since the birth of our son as well. 

You'll muddle through somehow and frankly, will have so much to do with a new baby that you won't even notice their absence for awhile.  Good luck!

thank you so much, i really do appreciate you responding to my question! it's really good to know that you've worked out a way to get your son to know both sets of grandparents and to not feel uncomfortable with them. i'm just worried about not making my parents feel left out and making sure my child(ren) know people who are important to me and who will be important to them, as well.

i agree with you about the visiting thing though....my husband and i have been doing the alternating as well...christmas here this year, christmas in the us last year, and when we can afford it, visits in between, and we plan on doing the same thing when we have children. it's a wonderful thing to give children (and adults too) the chance to see as much of the world as possible so that's definitely something that's a bonus about going back and forth and seeing and learning about new places.

i'm sorry you don't have anyone to help out with the logistical side of things...i know that must be hard. i do plan on asking for their help occasionally, but they help in taking care of my husband's sister's baby because she works part time, so even though they offered to help when my husband and i have a baby, and they would do everything they could to help, as will my parents, even though they're far away, i wouldn't feel right asking them to help for that reason. i will probably end up being more in your boat but that's ok with me it's good to know too that you found that having children brought everyone closer...i honestly do feel much better after reading your response. my husband tries his best to understand, but sometimes, it just helps to have someone to talk to who has already been through it, so thanks .

Another thing to think about which we have been able to do is take extended trips to the US.  While I have been on Maternity leave for over 9 months, I have been able to spend 2 - one month trips in the US.  Since I have stayed with my parents, there hasn't been any costs like hotels etc, so just the cost of the flight.  That way my parents have been able to see their granddaughter every day for a month at a time.  It will be change when the kids go off to school, but hopefully by then their relationships will be strong with their grandparents and aunties, so that they still feel close.

As UKUrs mentioned, the logistical side of things is worrying to me as well! My parents are in the US and DH's parents live over an hour away so there will never be anyone really on hand to babysit or watch the kid for an hour. (Im 17 weeks pregnant with my 1st at the moment).

My parents have been disappointing me a bit recently with the whole pregnancy thing. First off, they recently changed their phone plan in the US so they can't call me anymore and didnt even bother to ring when they knew i was in the hospital overnight at 7 weeks, they waited over a week for me to ring them. Secondly, my sister and mom were supposed to come over and see the baby about 6 weeks after it was born... but now my sister has backed out and my mom is trying to put it off til December (which i see as her way of wiggling out of not coming at all!) Her or my father have never been to visit me and didn't even come over for our wedding so i dont know why  I thought this would be any different?

If your family are close, embrace that and try and visit them as much as possible and have them come over here. I'm slowly discovering that my family is alot smaller than i thought and at the moment just consists of me, DH, our kitty and our little one... 

Sorry if this has brought the tone of the thread down.

We can only afford to visit my family in the US every couple years.  We stay for three weeks and try to get together with as much family as we can.  Only one of my siblings and my mother has ever come to visit us here.  We do the best we can to keep in touch via phone, computer, and letters, and my children love their grandparents.  Video was great for when they were babies and toddlers, and changing month by month.  I used to film the kids and send it to both sets of grandparents.  It makes me sad not to be able to see my family more and it makes me sad that my children can't know them better.  I try to accept it as one of life's compromises.

As UKUrs mentioned, the logistical side of things is worrying to me as well! My parents are in the US and DH's parents live over an hour away so there will never be anyone really on hand to babysit or watch the kid for an hour. (Im 17 weeks pregnant with my 1st at the moment).

My parents have been disappointing me a bit recently with the whole pregnancy thing. First off, they recently changed their phone plan in the US so they can't call me anymore and didnt even bother to ring when they knew i was in the hospital overnight at 7 weeks, they waited over a week for me to ring them. Secondly, my sister and mom were supposed to come over and see the baby about 6 weeks after it was born... but now my sister has backed out and my mom is trying to put it off til December (which i see as her way of wiggling out of not coming at all!) Her or my father have never been to visit me and didn't even come over for our wedding so i dont know why  I thought this would be any different?

If your family are close, embrace that and try and visit them as much as possible and have them come over here. I'm slowly discovering that my family is alot smaller than i thought and at the moment just consists of me, DH, our kitty and our little one... 

Sorry if this has brought the tone of the thread down.

One of the reasons why I am not sure I want kids I know my parents won't help o be supportive at all and my in-laws can't really afford to. 

My parents were in Holland and Denmark and didn't come visit because they have been to England already. 

One the one hand Yeah!  I don't have to deal with it all.  On the other it somehow still hurts.

I didn't have either set of grandparents around to babysit or help out.  I used to be jealous of friends who had that.  Mind you, I rarely had anybody around to judge me or criticize my parenting either and my friends complained about that.   

One of the reasons why I am not sure I want kids I know my parents won't help o be supportive at all and my in-laws can't really afford to. 

I'm starting to question this, as well.  My in-laws are a four or five hour train ride away, which often involves 3 changes, and we don't have a car.  We hardly ever see them now due to the huge hassle involved in getting there, so I can't imagine we'll see them any more often once we have a baby.  My mother has only flown twice in her lifetime and I don't see frequent visits (if any) from her in the cards--she wouldn't even fly over for our wedding!  Right now, we actually see my family in the US more than we see his...so I think we would need to think long and hard about moving back to be near my family if we had kids, or either accept that we will have no support and that we won't be able to afford to visit my family as much as we do now.     

I guess I don't really understand why someone would consider their parents or inlaws when making the decision to have kids. This is something between you and your spouse, and I guess I just see support from extended families as bonus. I would be sad to not be close to my family in the US, but this wouldn't stop me from having children.

My mother, and all her friends, worked with severely disabled children.   Kids who would never learn to talk, most who couldn't even recognise their own parents.

I know that the vast, vast majority of kids are fine.  That my experience in growing up with these examples is not normal, but it does affect me as an adult.

If something serious were to happen then having family support is really important. 

I guess I don't really understand why someone would consider their parents or inlaws when making the decision to have kids. This is something between you and your spouse, and I guess I just see support from extended families as bonus. I would be sad to not be close to my family in the US, but this wouldn't stop me from having children.

I feel the same way.  What if you had no parents...would that still stop you from having children?  If anything, I would think being far away from family or not having them be involved would make me want children even more.

My mother, and all her friends, worked with severely disabled children.   Kids who would never learn to talk, most who couldn't even recognise their own parents.

I know that the vast, vast majority of kids are fine.  That my experience in growing up with these examples is not normal, but it does affect me as an adult.

If something serious were to happen then having family support is really important. 

Our mothers had the same occupation, so perhaps that does affect why I feel so strongly about having a support system. 

As to the points that geeta and Bmore_2_UK made, fair enough.  I guess what it comes down to is not necessarily needing parents or family around, but needing a support system in general.  I don't have that support system here in the UK yet, and if I have children, I would want to be living  where I did have that.  Obviously, this isn't possible all of the time, but it certainly is a huge consideration for us over the next few years as we're thinking about where to settle permanently, whether to start a family, etc.

What happens to my mother's kid's families who had no support?  

Massive rates of divorce, like 90%.  

Horrible rates of depression and suicide.

Never any time ever to themselves to be able to do anything with their lives.  

Endless worries about bills, not just medical that would be taken care of by the NHS either (I work with disabled people here I know the things that are sorely lacking).  

Constant concern about what will happen to the child if they outlive you.  

Constant concern about your "normal" child, if you have one, that they will never be able to have a life either, just a constant sense of responsibility for a sibling they can do nothing to help.

If the kid was ambulatory, fear of being hurt by your own child, especially boys who grew larger than their mothers.

Endless comments by strangers that wear you down.

The concern that perhaps it would be best to place your child in care of the state rather than subject everyone else in the family.

All these things and many more haunt my decision to have children.

My mother and her friends loved their jobs and relished "teaching" these children.  I know I couldn't do it and that is just teach them M-F 7-3, let alone live with it for the rest of your life.

If you feel you'll need a support system that strongly, then while you're pregnant you could start creating one, via online groups, antenatal classes, etc. Like Lilybelle said, your support group doesn't necessarily need to be your parents or families. If you have a special needs child, surely you could reach out to groups and parents also dealing with these same issues.
Of course it's wonderful if your family can be involved, but as some people have posted here unfortunately some people can't or aren't interested in being involved.

And bookgrl, all of those things you listed can happen in families that DO have support as well. There are no guarantees.