"Anyone a step parent?" Thread

I guess this is alright to but in the parenting section but is anyone a step parent? Had a big time question and love some advice. Basically my parents want to come over in a few months and want to meet my husband's children (8 and 6) and I am a bit weird about it. I mean our relationship is great, I am kind of like a big friend to hang out with when they are over on the weekends/school holidays to be with their Dad. I don't see myself as a parent figure but I know how weird my parents are and are going to butt in a bit and worried it will be a bit overwhelming to the wee ones. Kind of want to be grandparent types and I am worried about how the kids wil take it.

Has anyone else been in a situation when your parents spend time with your other halfs kids?  How did you introduce them to your parents, especially since there is a good chance they are only going to see them once a year/everyother year.

My stepson was kinda forced to be introduced to my mom when he and his dad came over to the States in 2007. It seemed to go well enough, and my mom teased him about her being his grandma and stuff, and my stepson seems to like her. She hasn't met my other two stepchildren yet, but knowing my mom it'll be fairly seamless--since we stay with her when we visit the States, it gives both parties a bit of time to get used to each other.

Now my mom asks about my stepson, and she'll tell me to say hi to the kids when she phones up. It was a natural progression I guess, since my mom is fairly easy-going and tends to not be overwhelming or smothering, especially if it's not kids that are her own.

I think in some ways it just happens, and it all depends on each individual child really on how they might react to step-grandparents. If they're shy, they might have a bit of a harder time getting on with your parents, or if your parents are very overwhelming or overly physical. If your parents are like that, I'd maybe tell them to tone it down a little bit, at least with the first visit, and explain to them that the kids might be a little odd or standoffish at first until they get more comfortable with things. But, these might all be things they know already, but it doesn't hurt to discuss it beforehand just to make sure everyone's on the same page.

In the end, it's mostly down to how the kids react, and they can be quite surprising--they can take to your parents like ducks in water, or not, it all just depends. Maybe your husband can also talk to them about your parents visiting, and how they're excited to meet the kids, and how your parents relate to them via you so it's not just a 'whoa, hello strange people' type of thing for them. It's a highly individualized type of situation since there's so many variables at work, but it can be kinda stressful as a step-parent trying to make everything work well when blending the families : /

I'm a proud stepmom. I love our little guy.   It's a bit different, probably, as he was only 2 when we married and so I have to be a bit more of a parent, as he is pretty high maintenance, though that is mellowing out a bit now that he is nearly 4. My parents haven't met him yet. His mother won't allow us to take him to the US (because that's where I'm from  ) and doesn't want him to meet my parents because "they are nothing to him" as she says. I don't have any kids of my own and my parents are really excited about my stepson and always ask for pictures and things and sometimes speak to him on the webcam or over the phone and always send him gifts for special occasions. I have him call them Nana and Pop, and I hope that he thinks of them as a set of distant grandparents. I don't see any problem with that, as I had a step-grandfather and a step-grandmother and they were both viewed as grandparents by me. I knew they weren't my biological grandparents, but that didn't matter to me. But, they were each married to a biological grandparent rather than being my step-parent's family, if that makes any sense. So maybe that makes it different. It's up to you how you want to proceed with this. I hope my parents will be coming to visit us this year and they can meet my stepson while they are here. He is a big part of my life, and I think it's wonderful if he can meet my family and maybe some day see where I grew up.

My husband has two girls by his first wife and I first got to know them when the eldest was four and the smallest a baby.  My parents have known them all their lives but only saw any amount of them when they were slightly older (about 5 for the eldest and about 4 for the youngest - their mother wouldn't let us see much of the little one for quite a long time).

When we first had our own child and started taking holidays all together that's when my parents really came into their own.  They have always been very welcoming but not over-powering.  Acting the same to all of them when they are all together.  My step-children have both holidayed with my daughter (by themselves) at her grandparents from being quite small.  

My husband's own mother lives a long way away and doesn't have much of a relationship with any of the girls and their own mother's parents died when the girls were about 8 and 10 so I think that made it easier for my parents to play a 'grandparent' role without stepping on any toes!  My parents have also met their mother and like her which helps.

It helps that my parents know where the lines are drawn and although they may comment to me or my husband about the girls they are very diplomatic in front of them.  I know the girls regard them as substitute grandparents as the eldest included them in the wedding party when she got married a couple of years ago.

I'm not a step-parent, but I'm a step-child.  I was older than your kids when my parents remarried, but I actually had no problem adjusting to other sets of step-grandparents.  I think part of it was because I already had two sets of grandparents and didn't see my relationship with them as being any kind of competition.  It was just more people to love me.  I could see teenagers maybe feeling a little put-upon if a relationship were forced on them, but I suspect that kids at that age will adapt well.

I would suggest just relaxing and letting things flow a bit.  Children that age love attention and affection.  Sure they may be hesitant right at first, but I suspect they will adjust better than you think they will unless you get so worried about things that they start picking up on clues that this is something to worry about.  Then your own preoccupation may sabotage things.  That or others around you--Jewlz's post made me sad.  I'm so sorry your ex has taken such a jealous stance and is trying to deprive her children of having positive relationships around her.  I believe that attempts to limit the people who love a child only hurt the children in the end.

In truth, in the end I probably had a closer relationship to my step-grandparents than I did to one of my own sets of grandparents.  My step-mom's parents took the time to remember my birthdays and came out for my concerts.  They treated me just like one of their own grandkids, and I always loved them for it.  I know they weren't my grandparents really, but I loved that they accepted me as part of the family. 

Now I have chosen to make a point of raising my own children to treat my step-parents as equal grandparents.  Yes, it's true that I don't necessarily see my step-parents in the same light as my actual mom and dad, but my children will not know the step-parents separately from my mom or dad.  I want them to be seen as a pair--grandma and grandpa coming to visit rather than grandpa and that woman who comes with him.    I've made a slight adaptation of having the grandparents choose what they want to be called, so each of the grandparents kind of has different names--all the males are grandpas, but we also have a granny and two nanas.  That way it made it fit a bit more comfortably for all.  Best of luck!

Thank you so much for all your great insight and advice. I really enjoy being a stepmom but I say that overall I am very laid back and well... my parents are the opposite. Its been easy for me to get to know the wee ones and we have a great relationship with their mum (we havent taken them to the states yet though, a bit small) and (my husband and I have no kids of our own so I am sure in in about 5-10 years when we there will be a whole new world opening up).

Nice to hear from other step moms, transatlantic relationships are tough enough but when you are becoming a step mom... well there is no book on that. 

I am becoming a stepmom.  I'm seven months pregnant with our own, he has two (he is a widower), and we are getting married in January 2011.  We don't live together yet, largely because we are trying to deal with 'blended family' issues before that happens, rather than muddling through as we go!

His kids are older - 12 and 15.  They've met my parents once, on our first trip to the States together.  It went OK, but it was a short visit and in a neutral place - now we are talking about going over for the Christmas holidays to stay with my mom and dad, and I'm pretty apprehensive.  My parents are quite elderly, and have health and mobility issues.  His kids are smart and vibrant, and often quite sweet, but they have some behavioural issues (which we're working on!) and are also used to getting what they ask for, materially, whereas my parents live quite modestly.  On the one hand, I think it will be good for the kids to have more of a sense of where I come from and what my values are, especially since we want our shared home to be more, well, shared!  On the other hand - I just want them to all get along, but there's a lot of potential for conflict. To top it off, I have siblings and nephews as well, so there's a lot of family dynamic and personalities to reckon with. 
I guess we just have to take the plunge sometime.  I keep reminding myself of something I read in a stepparenting book; about how one of teh advantages of being "just" the stepmom is that we don't have to internalize or feel responsible for the stepkids' behaviour all the time...

Oh, I'm glad to see this thread!  Hope everyone is doing well as it's a bit old.  I am a stepmum to a 9 yr old boy (I first met him when he was 5).  He has been to the US twice, once before we were married for xmas and once for the wedding.  Everyone was amazed at how well he adjusted, I guess at that age they are quite versatile.  My parents only recently became biological grandparents this past spring but they have welcomed my stepson into the family wholeheartedly.  He loves going to America and visiting his "american family" (I have plenty of siblings, cousins, etc).  We usually stay with my mom and they get along well.  My stepson doesn't call her Granny or anything, just her name but she buys him little gifts sometimes and he listens to her!  Same with my dad.  Luckily my parents aren't very pushy and especially in the beginning were very respectful of the situation. 

Unfortunately the last time he visited the US he really missed his "new" family when he got home and his mother and maternal grandmother were very upset.  They told him that my family isn't really his family at all and that he wasn't allowed to go to America again!  I understand that they feel threatened but we've tried to be as considerate as possible and the more adults who care for him the better.  (I've looked to the ex-etiquette advice column for really helpful tips and support!)

When my stepson found out we were getting married he was so excited, it was really sweet and he was set on calling me Mom but I guess it didn't come naturally because he hasn't (which is fine too).  He's a good little lad and despite the issues we sometimes have with his mom I'm very pleased to be his stepmum.  Yet I can't help but feel frustrated sometimes and look forward to when my husband and I have our own children so our family will be more integrated... 

I'd love to talk more about this if anyone else is interested in discussing the unique problems we face in this situation.  I'm based in Kent.   

Hello, Tally! I'm still here.  My stepson is four now, and quite a little handful sometimes! He recently met my parents and he calls them Nana and Pop. They all got on okay, and he was very sweet to them when they were here and they were pretty unassuming with him. Being a stepmom is a weird situation, as the mother usually feels very protective of her kids (of course) and it can be hard for her to see that you only want to be helpful and have a good relationship. I have tried for a few years to get on with DSS's mummy, and sometimes it's fine, and other times, it's not. She is pretty moody about everything. However, she talks to my MIL a lot, who also talks to me a lot, and MIL explained that DSS's mum just feels threatened and is afraid DSS may like me more than her. Of course, that will never happen. She is his mum and therefore, the most important person in his life. I just remind her that I know she is the mummy and I let her know that he misses her when he is here with us and talks about her often. I also have him ring her on occasion to say hello and good night, etc., which seems to make her feel better. We don't really have a routine with this, but if he mentions her or asks about her, I ask him if he would like to call mummy and we go from there. She can call and speak to her son anytime she likes. We try to work together and it has been going much more smoothly lately. It just takes time. Just be there for him and do your best with him, the rest is secondary. But once you have been around for a bit and the dust settles, I am sure you may be able to speak with his mum and see if you can't work things out for him to go back to America. Good luck!