His Ex is Too Much!

I met my fiance online 2 years ago and have been flying to the UK every 4 to 6 months to see him ever since.  He's a great guy... kind-hearted... funny... fun.  But, there is one BIG problem.  His ex-wife is still very much a part of his life.  (They have NO kids together.)

He lives in the UK and she lives in the USA.  But, she is constantly contacting him online through Yahoo Messenger, emails, and all over Facebook (his wall, pvt chat, and pvt messages).  There pretty much isn't a day that goes by without some kind of communication from her. She waits up half the night waiting for him to pop onto Facebook so that she can message him. She keeps her Mobile Web (on her iPhone) running day and night just in case he gets online. 

In the beginning of our relationship, he told me that he feels guilty that he still talks to her. (They divorced 4 years ago after she decided she wanted to be with her boss instead.)  I really didn't have a problem with them talking until he told me that she still wants him back and that she asked him to visit her even though she knew that he was seeing me. 

During one of my trips over to visit him, I looked at his cell phone text messages and saw over 20 messages from her with some of them being "Happy Valentines Day.. Wish you were here so I could give you a hug..  Miss you xxxx"  I had panic attacks that lasted an entire week (thought for sure I was having a heart attack).  The panic attacks didn't go away until I told him that I saw the text messages and he reassured me that he was never going back to her.  (I do believe him there.) Even though she knew I was there, she continued to text message him during my visit.  He has since changed his cell phone number and told her that he no longer has a cell phone.  (To avoid confrontation with her.)

Saturday night, I was on MSN Live talking to him (on cam) when I realized that he was scooted down in his chair and typing a mile a minute to someone (and it wasn't me).  Of course it was her.. on Facebook chat.  I told him that I've reached my limit.  That I'm not going to be able to tolerate her being a part of our relationship.  That an occasional chat is one thing but his chats with her are becoming daily.  (She's drilling him about me and our relationship and when I'm moving over.)  He said he doesn't even like talking to her yet he continues to do it.  (He blocked his Facebook chat since I told him that I couldn't take any more.)

I strongly believe that she is trying to cause a problem in our relationship and break us up. 

In the past, I've avoided relationships with men who have small children just because I don't want to be in a relationship where the ex-wife is constantly around and involved.  Yet here I am, engaged to a man who is always chatty with his ex-wife.

I'm suppose to be moving over to the UK in 12 days to be with him.  We plan on getting married the end of September. Settlement visa is paid for and tickets are booked.  Please help!  What am I suppose to do? Confront her?

I had this issue with my fiance, but reversed.  I do have a child with my ex husband, but my ex was constantly contacting me though calls, texts, emails etc.  It bothered my fiance (who is in the UK, but was in the USA when it was all happening).  He told me it bothered him and couldnt handle it anymore...and had to be stopped.  So i made it stop. 

I am ALL for being friendly to exs, but if it affects your current relationship then there is a problem....ESPECIALLY with no kids together (which complicates things).

I had a talk with my ex (like I think yours should), and put a stop to it.  I told my ex I didnt want him contacting me unless it was about my daughter, and he did stop.  If ther are no kids involved then it should stop.  He can blocked her phone number, he can block her emails, and block her on messenger.  He has to decide.

I know some pple will probably disagree, but I know how damaging this can be to a relationship. 

With this being said it is hard to be in the middle of this.

I hope it all works out

Sorry, I'm nosey and you can ignore me if you want, but you said the ex also lives in the US... does your fiance have a habit of meeting and marrying American women?  Does that raise any flags for you as it would me? 

If it were me, I wouldnt confront her, I would confront him and be very stern when you do.

Thank you for your post katrinacov.  I hope it all works out too.

I don't think he will tell her to stop.  My guy is very non-confrontational.  He would rather block her until she pops up messaging him somewhere else.  He doesn't have a lot of relationship experience and doesn't realize just how manipulative her actions are.  The list is very long on things she has done to keep track of him.  

Mirrajay- He has/had a low self-esteem that keeps him from trying to meet women locally.  We were just friends for a long time.  I met him in a chat room (he never chatted to anyone there before) and I started talking to him because of his picture where he was wearing a kilt. 

He met her 5 years ago on an International Pen Pal site.

Not a habit.  No concern there at all.

IMHO this is something that he needs to be confrontational about.

I wouldn't stand for this sort of behavior.  He needs to realize that his commitment is to you, not to his ex.  He should be strong enough to put an end to this for the sake of your relationship.  I think this sounds like a real problem, and I don't know how comfortable I would be entering into a lifelong partnership with someone who can't rid himself of this relationship.

Goodness, what a situation!

No, I don't think you should confront her. Your problem is with him, not her.

I'm wondering why he continues to talk to her even after he said he doesn't like talking to her. I mean, if I don't want to do something, I just don't do it. It sounds like you are right; he is afraid of confrontation.

I would talk to him now and ask him that very question. Yes, it is affecting your relationship, but I think he should also examine why he isn't able to cut it off with her when he himself has admitted he doesn't want to talk to her anymore. Encourage him in letting her know that he is no longer talking to her, and to block her from MSN, Facebook, etc. Simple. He doesn't even have to tell her; he can just block her. People who avoid confrontations to their detriment often have an unrealistic worst-case scenario of what could happen in their head. It doesn't have to and won't be that way if he is brief and firm with her.

Everything loveaturtle said.  It seems like he is willing to have mini confrontations with you about this issue than risk a confrontation with the ex.   As difficult as this will be to do, it looks like you and he will have to sit down and talk through some things like: how badly does he want your relationship to survive and be healthy?  What are some of the psychological/ego benefits of continuing to maintain contact with the ex?  Talk about specific ways that his behavior is affecting you, and how you think it'll affect your future together.
It may seem ridiculous to do this, but people who hate confrontation often times will happily keep running until forced to face the situation. 

I feel for you. But this is something that can be worked through and can provide an opportunity for a lot of growth for him.  You sound a like a very patient and supportive person, and he is fortunate to have someone like you to help him.

I agree your issue isn't that she's contacting him, it's that he's perpetuating it by accepting her contact. You don't need to confront her you need to confront him.

LadyV- You said something that I believe 110%.  "psychological and ego benefits"  I think it boosts his ego tremendously to have 2 women wanting him.  I had to ask myself why he would risk our relationship by continue the chitchat with her.  The fact that he has a low self-esteem to begin with lead me to believe that it's a boost to his ego to continue on.

He didn't even confront her when she posted on her Facebook wall that he has a large penis and likes to show it.  He ignored it (but read it over and over again) and told me that he can't control what she posts.  

I have been extremely patient with this situation but my patience has run out.  

He didn't even confront her when she posted on her Facebook wall that he has a large penis and likes to show it.  He ignored it (but read it over and over again) and told me that he can't control what she posts.  

Are you serious? I would've sh!t a brick at this. You are right, you've put up with a lot!

When someone lives thousands of miles away from you, it's really not that hard to delete them from your life.  He CAN control what she posts on his Facebook wall...by deleting her and then blocking her so she won't be able to contact him.  Email companies allow you to block certain email addresses so she won't be able to contact him that way either.  All instant messaging sites (AOL, Yahoo, MSN, etc) allow you to block people so they are not able to contact you.  Yes, doing all those things might be tedious but it would take a total of about 15 minutes.  What's the real problem here?

It's good to hear that you trust him and believe everything he is saying...but I would be highly suspicious if I was in the that situation.  I don't care how "non-confrontational" a person is...if you don't want to talk to someone, you are not going to have daily conversations with them.  You can avoid someone without being confrontational.  Especially since (from what you are describing) he is reciprocating her contact.  It's not that hard to ignore someone who lives in another country...what is she going to do, drive over to his house and make him talk to her?  And if he's so non-confrontational, why is it that he doesn't mind the confrontation that comes from you being upset by the situation?  If I were in that situation, I'd feel like he was more eager to please her (by continuing to have daily contact with her) than me (by just deleting her from his life completely).  I don't think it counts as being overly-jealous when she is posting things on Facebook about the size of his penis.  Aside from the fact that is totally inappropriate to begin with (and personally, I would immediately delete anyone from my friend list who did something like that)...he's also engaged to you...so she's being disrespectful to you and the relationship you have.  And he doesn't seem to care.

Hmmm... Interesting turn of events.. I'm talking to her on Facebook chat.  Shall I post the conversation here for your opinions?

Sure, why not! I'd like to know what goes through someone's mind like that.