He wants her to spend the night!!!!!!!

Situation:
17 year old son has first girlfriend. Been together 5 weeks. He texts me and asks if  she can spend the night. I said no, too new. He wants to know when. I say MAYBE in a few months. He lobbys for weeks.
I am fifty years old and remember my mother throwing my first boyfriend out of the house, never to be seen again.
Given the mores are slightly different in the UK that US, and that I am an old fogy,
what do youse guys think???
I want to do the right thing, but......I'm biting my nails.

I think if you're too strict you can force people underground, my mother was a complete pain about this sort of thing and I ended up moving out really young just to get my own space. It never stopped me from doing anything, just from waiting until she was out/on holiday etc.

If your son is responsible and you have a talk with him about it and check if the girl's parents are also aware and okay with it then I don't think 17 is too young to have people stay over. In a year he'll be at uni and can have a 100 girls over.

Sounds like they've been together for awhile, she's not some casual fling.

Could you start with just having her come over? Have dinner with the family, get to know her a bit etc?

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. I am (only?) 36 and no way no how was a guy spending the night with me at the house! Even now, I would not be able to have a guy stay over, in my bed at my parents house with me unmarried! I did not ever go sneak off. I was taught that was wrong and given reasons why I shouldn't. I guess I'm just a goody goody cos I knew my parents trusted me to do the right thing (as I had been taught was right.... YMMV). 5 weeks is not a long time to get to know someone and have them stay over! They ain't gonna be playing scrabble all night. At least he trusts you enough to ask first. That's pretty significant!

I agree it'd be better to have her come over to interact with the family in a non-sleep over way. Your son is only 17. It's not "old fogy" to have expectations for his behavior, especially when he's under your roof.

That's some good advice...and I don't know what I will do when faced with the same situation.  But .. to be honest it kind of creeps me out.  I'm mom...I'd talk to you about sex, responsibility...etc...but I don't know that I'd want it happening in my own home and me knowing it.  Maybe the vestiges of my catholic upbringing are still there.  Even now having my parents in the same house makes me uncomfortable. To me it would be a matter of respect.  

Still who knows?  I think Cheesebiscuit's advice is the best though..make sure you get to know her and check with her parents.  Last thing you need is some mom accusing you of corrupting her daughter!

Sorry, but I disagree that 5 weeks is being together for awhile, even if your 17 year old feels it's been a lifetime. I do agree that it depends on your son and his maturity level. How well do you know the girl? Does she come over for dinner, do things with your family, etc? Do you know her parents and if so, do you think they would be cool with it? I think it has to do with respecting your rules while he's under your roof. Yes, he could be going to uni next year and have 100 girls over, but then it's out of your control.

Good luck!

I was 24-years-old, had a 3-year-old child, had been living with my boyfriend for 6 months...and I wasn't allowed to stay in the same room with him when I went to visit my parents...just saying...

It's a tough situation because all kids are different...and are going to act differently to restrictions placed on them (some will respect it and others will just find a way around it).

Personally, I'd tell him that he needs to wait a bit longer (5 weeks is nothing...even to a 17-year-old).  And if she did spend the night, she'd be in a spare bedroom or if you don't have one, have the son sleep on the couch and have her sleep in his room.  I wouldn't mind them having a cuddle in his room or on the couch while watching a movie before bed.  That seems like a "happy medium" to me, a way to give him a little bit of freedom without advocating teenage sex (not that all kids will have sex even if allowed to sleep in the same bed - as mentioned above - but just makes it a little bit harder for them to).  This gives them extra time to spend together and the experience of waking up together (kinda) but without saying "Yeah, sleep together!".  No way on earth would I allow them to sleep in the same room (even if he slept "on the floor"). 

For me personally, my first thought would be no and right now I am so thankful my two are only 5 and 7 years old.    I know it has to be hard and like others I agree with letting her ineract with the family more before allowing it to go any further. Good luck to you as so many of us know how hard it is some days to be a mom. 

Personally, I'd tell him that he needs to wait a bit longer (5 weeks is nothing...even to a 17-year-old).  And if she did spend the night, she'd be in a spare bedroom or if you don't have one, have the son sleep on the couch and have her sleep in his room.  I wouldn't mind them having a cuddle in his room or on the couch while watching a movie before bed.  That seems like a "happy medium" to me, a way to give him a little bit of freedom without advocating teenage sex (not that all kids will have sex even if allowed to sleep in the same bed - as mentioned above - but just makes it a little bit harder for them to).  This gives them extra time to spend together and the experience of waking up together (kinda) but without saying "Yeah, sleep together!".  No way on earth would I allow them to sleep in the same room (even if he slept "on the floor").  

I really like that.  

In addition, the age of the girl would be a factor and also getting the consent of her parents to the arrangement (and not just "yeah, her parents say it's fine.)

I'm trying to imagine the reaction of my own parents to a conversation like that when I was 17 or so.    I was 31 when I moved in with my fiance and they were completely unamused until I suggested they pay for me to have my own apartment until the wedding.   And even then, we slept in separate rooms until the wedding.

I think it's great that your son is even asking you.  So nice that he is comfortable with you like that. I never would have asked my parents.

I vote for setting a date around the 2 month mark and allowing her to stay over, but not in his room.  I would also ask him for her parent's contact info to speak with them about what they are comfortable with.

Good luck!

Everybody is different and this is a sensitive topic, I'm 26 and can remember it quite clearly, I did grow up quite quickly though and was out on my own by the time I was 17.
I went to a good catholic school and there was a whole range of people there by the time we left at 16, from the girls with steady boyfriends, to the girls who hadn't even really realised about boys/girls yet. So a lot of it depends on the maturity of your son and his girlfriend.

I took it to mean 5 weeks + some additional weeks (as stated in the OP, that he'd been nagging from five weeks), so I was thinking along the 3 months line Which isn't a casual fling really, and when things start to settle down no matter what age you're at.

I agree that many people wouldn't have snuck off at 17 but some people would. For space if nothing else. Time alone to watch DVDs and be intimate but not THAT intimate. I think that her spending more time at your house is a good idea generally, and also that they have alone time.

But I also think If he's asking to have her stay then the likelihood is he's already thinking/is involved with her in a physical way  or confident that that's where this relationship is heading, and if that's true then they'll likely find a way around any rules

That might be from personal bias!

I would also say, if he's 17, how long before he goes to university, lives in halls and does whatever he wants? Maybe teaching him responsibility now would be beneficial.

 

I wouldn't allow a 17 year old to spend the night with a girlfriend/boyfriend.  I understand that they'll find a way to do what they want and it won't be long before they're off on their own, but I'm surely not going to condone it nor make it easier for them to do it.  17 is just too young.  What's the big rush to spend the night together and why is it so important?

I wouldn't allow a 17 year old to spend the night with a girlfriend/boyfriend.  I understand that they'll find a way to do what they want and it won't be long before they're off on their own, but I'm surely not going to condone it nor make it easier for them to do it.  17 is just too young.  What's the big rush to spend the night together and why is it so important?

Like Shrubbery, my dh and I were living together, but we did not sleep in the same room at my in-laws until we were married.

If it were me, separate rooms after 3 months, not in the same room and makes sure he knows what you expect from his behaviour once he goes off to uni. 

At 17? Absolutely not.  Sorry but no.  I lived with my husband before we got married and my parents were not happy about it.  Neither were my grandparents but they got over it.  The difference?  I was 33 at the time, owned my own house, had a job, had moved to the UK and back.  Who I chose to live with was my business.  But if I had been 17, my dad would've tanned my hide and chased after DH with a shotgun.

At 17? Absolutely not.  Sorry but no.  But if I had been 17, my dad would've tanned my hide and chased after DH with a shotgun.

Yeah, same here. Even though DH and I lived together for about a year prior to our wedding, whenever we were visiting either sets of parents, we would sleep in different rooms. It just seemed like the respectful thing to do. We were under their roof and they were uncomfortable with the idea of us being together. Fair enough. And at any age, I would respect the wishes of whoever owns the home.

If she wants to come over and spend time watching movies and having dinner...why does it have to be an overnight? He can "run the show," so to speak, when he gets to Uni. But as long as he's still living under your roof you have every right to call the shots if you are uncomfortable with the situation.

I would be a no vote also--as the mother of a 20 year old girl...I just recently let her bf of over a year spend the night- and only because his family moved so that he no longer lives nearby so to visit he needs a place to stay. If he still lived local I would say no - however when DH and I went away for a couple of days I did let her know it was ok for him to stay with her--but would never have done it before they were both 18 and in a long relationship.