He wants her to spend the night!!!!!!!

My parents had a zero tolerance to boys/guys sleeping over when I lived at home until the age of 21 when I finally moved out on my own. I also had a curfew (midnight)...my parents reasoning: their house, their rules.

If my child asked me to let their BF/GF to stay the night (even if it's on the couch because you they won't stay there anyway) while they live under my roof especially when they're under 18, I would look at them and say 'Does it look to you like I've lost my mind? Because you've certainly lost yours.'...Thankfully she's only 2 and I won't have to deal with this for a very long time.

Emphatic NO WAY on this one.

Did you actually have a conversation with your son or was this all communicated via text? I think it's great that your son feels he can approach you about this but how old is his girlfriend? Do her parents get a say in this?

If you want really want to do the right thing you should call them to discuss the matter before making a decision. They may not be so Ok with the idea.

With that said, and for what it's worth since I don't have children, if my son or daughter came to me and asked if a girlfriend or boyfriend be allowed to sleep over I would reply in my most pleasant and understanding manner and say ABSOLUTELY NOT.

'Does it look to you like I've lost my mind? Because you've certainly lost yours.'...

Best quote of the day! I'm so going to use this one. 

Thanks for all your replies! I'm glad to know I am not out of my mind to feel uncomfortable with this.
Yes, he did talk to me about this, and I am proud of that fact. I am a single mom, bringing him over here at the age of 12 to be with my partner who is British. I know he doesn't tell me everything, but I think we are pretty close.
She is 16, a bit young I think. I did not speak to her about it, but I was told her mother was onboard.

In the end, after some consultation, I told him that it was too soon and that later on, if this are still going well, I MIGHT consider it. I told him that I wanted to get to know her more, that a relationship is a merger of families not only two people... Blah, Blah. Blah. Cliche but true. Later on he said he didn't really expect me to say yes.
He was good with that. Maybe he felt a little pressured too. I think they are both 'beginners'.
I really don't mind if she has been around for a while, and seems like she will be around for a while more...It will be more special then too.
But now is just too soon.

I would also say, if he's 17, how long before he goes to university, lives in halls and does whatever he wants? Maybe teaching him responsibility now would be beneficial.

 

I think the idea of teaching teens responsibility by allowing them to try things out at home works on many topics: cooking, laundry, car & home maintenance, budgeting, and even alcohol use. 

But I can't quite picture how it works with sex.  It's not really the sort of thing one wants a demonstration of from one's parents!  Will there be diagrams?  Is the OP going to knock on the door half hour and remind them to use a condom?  Believe me, it's more than possible to practice safe sex in the back of a car.  Or a park bench.  Or any of the number of other places that teenagers have traditionally found a bit of privacy.

Obviously, as everyone has acknowledged, this is a very personal topic for each family.  And I do agree that it could be a positive sign that your son is willing to ask.  (I'm 31, and I still wouldn't ask my father if I could share a bed with someone in his house!)  While I think that this provides an excellent jumping off point for a discussion about responsible sexual behavior (as defined by your family's values), I don't think you should feel obligated to allow it to happen in your home, even if you're not specifically opposed to him having sex at his age. 

I think the idea of teaching teens responsibility by allowing them to try things out at home works on many topics: cooking, laundry, car & home maintenance, budgeting, and even alcohol use. 

But I can't quite picture how it works with sex.  It's not really the sort of thing one wants a demonstration of from one's parents!  Will there be diagrams?  Is the OP going to knock on the door half hour and remind them to use a condom?  Believe me, it's more than possible to practice safe sex in the back of a car.  Or a park bench.  Or any of the number of other places that teenagers have traditionally found a bit of privacy.

If it were a situation where the GF could stay over but not in the same room, I think it teaches them that spending a night together doesn't have to be about having sex.  I think that this is something that is completely neglected in this hyper-sexualized society kids are being raised in.  Sex isn't the definition of intimacy, it's just one facet of it.

Of course, denial is a very useful tool that has been used by parents for generations. Also, ultimately it's your house and you don't want to be uncomfortable in your own house so why allow something you're not comfortable with? 

I probably would have decided what the OP decided, and once he was older I probably would allow it.  I know I wouldn't want to get busy if my parents were in the next room anyway, but that's just me. 

Yes but while a GF may start out on the couch (or the son may), that's not to say someone won't be sneaking in during the night.  Why open up temptation where there is no need for it? 

I guess I just don't understand why 17-year-olds need to spend the night together, in the same room or otherwise.  As Kristi said, it just seems to provide temptation that is really unnecessary.  Why can't they enjoy each other's company until it's time for bed and then go sleep in their own beds in their own homes?

Yes but while a GF may start out on the couch (or the son may), that's not to say someone won't be sneaking in during the night.  Why open up temptation where there is no need for it? 

Well, like I said, if you're not comfortable with it in then you shouldn't have to allow it.  If you're concerned with what might happen then the decision is made for you.  Everyone has different standards and levels of what they feel is acceptable, appropriate and personally tolerable.

But as far as temptation goes, if temptation were to be present while they're both under your roof, it's safe to say it will be present in other places that do not fall under your roof.  This is usually where the traditional use of denial comes in and you say "No" to him and live blissfully on knowing you have not given consent, that at least it's not happening in your house, and with you hoping against hope it's not happening at all. 

This is also why I said I probably wouldn't allow a GF to stay over until he was older, maybe 19 or 20. I think that would be the point (for me) where it would make sense (for me) to just accept it.

I guess I'm just trying to see it from different points of view though.

But as far as temptation goes, if temptation were to be present while they're both under your roof, it's safe to say it will be present in other places that do not fall under your roof.  This is usually where the traditional use of denial comes in and you say "No" to him and live blissfully on knowing you have not given consent, that at least it's not happening in your house, and with you hoping against hope it's not happening at all. 

But why provide even more opportunity for temptation when it's already there without your help?  I don't think it's about 'ignorance is bliss'; I think it's about showing that it's unacceptable in your opinion and thus won't be allowed in your home.  Of course temptation is present in other places, but why provide one more opportunity for young adults to be tempted and potentially make a bad decision?

But why provide even more opportunity for temptation when it's already there without your help?  I don't think it's about 'ignorance is bliss'; I think it's about showing that it's unacceptable in your opinion and thus won't be allowed in your home.  Of course temptation is present in other places, but why provide one more opportunity for young adults to be tempted and potentially make a bad decision?

That's why I said in that case you should say no?

17-year-olds may not need to spend the night together...but when I was 17, my boyfriend lived 2 hours away from me.  It wasn't a matter of just walking around the corner in a small village to get home.  We barely got to see each other as it was (he would go stay with his dad on some weekends...which was still 45 minutes way) and if he had been allowed to spend the night at my house, we would not have even thought about having sex (thus the whole "temptation theory" would not have applied to us) but it would have given us the opportunity to see each other more often. 

The OP hasn't indicated this is a factor in her situation, just saying there are other reasons that teenagers may want to spend the night with each other besides sex. 

As a parent of both a 16 year old boy and 18 year old girl, raising them both in the UK, I would say a huge "cold day in hell and over my dead body" before I allowed that to take place.  

First off, the attitudes toward teen sex are waaaaaaaay looser here than in North America.   Have you looked at the number of teen mums around?  Is that what you want for your kid?  Does your son know the implications of having sex?  Have you had that very frank conversation about what happens if you don't protect yourself, and what his responsibilities are?  

Just feeling comfortable to ask if he can sleep over is not enough and quite frankly, if he's asking permission that tells me a few things:  1.  he's not confident enough to just go and do it - he needs your permission.  that tells me he might not be ready.  2.  her parents are completely off their rock and sounds like there is some pressure there (who knows maybe they want a grandchild...  I've heard it here a lot, shockingly).  I'd grill him about what he knows, and what he is doing to protect himself, respect his girlfriend and her body and himself and his body.   I've had these conversations with my son when he started showing interest in the opposite sex and we talk about it a lot.

This is not the time to be soft.  You've got to bite the bullet and be blunt.  

Agreed that if they live very far away, that is a bit of a different story.

It's much different here in the UK than in the US. My DH had girls spending the night at his parent's house when he was 17, and I think that is fairly typical of the UK, especially as teenagers here tend to live with their parents for longer than many do in the US. I'd be inclined to try to be open-minded, I hope (haha... I don't have any kids of my own, so who could say for sure?) But he may already be having sex with this girl (frankly, I would've been having sex with my boyfriend at that age and so would most people I know) and it's better to be in a safe environment than in the back seat of a car or who know's where? But yes, I would definitely speak to her parents to make sure they are ok with it beforehand, if you do decide to let her stay over. And I do agree with this bit:

I'd grill him about....what he is doing to protect himself, respect his girlfriend and her body and himself and his body.