Deal Breakers

If Mr A started smoking pot (HA! I can't imagine this), it'd be hard.  I really think pot sort of retards development, creativity, and thought.  Of course, when I was a pothead, I thought the opposite.  But when I gave it up I didn't give up some of the people who continue to smoke to this day.  Having a conversation with them, especially when they are high, but even when they're not, is a bit depressing to me.

This could have been me writing this!

He had to meet the 3-S rule:  single (which goes without saying really), sane, and solvent.

I love the 3-S rule!

I think I probably couldn't have married someone who didn't enjoy children at all because they're such a big part of my life.  The ability to conceive children or not wouldn't have been a deal breaker for me though.

The big deal breaker for me would have been if I ever felt fearful of my partner.  I would much rather be on my own than live with somebody I'm afraid of.

Sometimes the things you think matter really don't.

Yes!

A tree full of it is even nastier.  Like a stinky little anti-Christmas tree left by the Grinch. 

Who does this??! 

I think over-jealousy or possesiveness or trying to be controlling would be a deal breaker for me, especially when I was in the LDR stages of my relationship with DH (it was never an issue and in fact he would question why i didnt go out on a saturday night!)

I had an ex who was very controlling (i was 20 he was 38!) and thats the only time i've ever let it happen!

To me, not wanting to have kids/wanting to have kids is the biggest deal breaker of all time and is something I think is impossible to compromise on.  How can you make a compromise that effects every single part of our entire life and cannot be undone? Not to mention that it will continue to effect your life even if your relationship ends. 
I see a compromise being where to live (you can always move later), what kind of car to buy (you can always change it later), where to go on vacation (it doesnt carry on effecting you after the vacation is over), etc.  But having children?  No way.   

I would be VERY careful if you choose to overlook a "deal breaker" such as this.

Poor hygiene is a serious deal breaker for me. If a dude has constant BO, then I'm outta there. 

To me, not wanting to have kids/wanting to have kids is the biggest deal breaker of all time and is something I think is impossible to compromise on.  How can you make a compromise that effects every single part of our entire life and cannot be undone? Not to mention that it will continue to effect your life even if your relationship ends. 
I see a compromise being where to live (you can always move later), what kind of car to buy (you can always change it later), where to go on vacation (it doesnt carry on effecting you after the vacation is over), etc.  But having children?  No way.   

I would be VERY careful if you choose to overlook a "deal breaker" such as this.

Yes, I think this is true, unless one or both people are on the fence about it, so to speak. If one person desperately wants children and the other one definitely doesn't, then that is probably the hardest thing to overcome. But for those who feel they could be happy with or without children, then that is something that could be decided further into the relationship.

To me, not wanting to have kids/wanting to have kids is the biggest deal breaker of all time and is something I think is impossible to compromise on.  How can you make a compromise that effects every single part of our entire life and cannot be undone? Not to mention that it will continue to effect your life even if your relationship ends. 
I see a compromise being where to live (you can always move later), what kind of car to buy (you can always change it later), where to go on vacation (it doesnt carry on effecting you after the vacation is over), etc.  But having children?  No way.   

I would be VERY careful if you choose to overlook a "deal breaker" such as this.

For some people, it's really not that big of a deal.  I would like to have one child in a vague sort of way, but I don't feel like my life will be incomplete without one.  DH started off saying he didn't want children, then he said he did, now he says he doesn't again.  Basically for us, if we have a child we have one, and if we don't then we don't, and we'll do our best in whatever situation we find ourselves in.  When we first met, I was more enthusiastic about the idea of children, and DH was set against it, but I never considered that a deal breaker.  I would rather be with a wonderful man who loves me and have no children than to have children with one who would dump me if I didn't want any. 

Yes, I think this is true, unless one or both people are on the fence about it, so to speak. If one person desperately wants children and the other one definitely doesn't, then that is probably the hardest thing to overcome. But for those who feel they could be happy with or without children, then that is something that could be decided further into the relationship.

I agree.  I've never felt like I don't want kids and I've never felt like I definitely do want kids.  If it were the right person and the right time and he wanted them, I'd be happy to have them.  I think it would be a blast.  But I also don't think my life would feel empty if I didn't have kids.  I just know I don't want them right this minute! 

x-posted with historyenne

It's amazing how different people are...some people couldn't care less whether they have kids or not, and some people feel like their entire purpose on earth is to have children.  No one is right or wrong...just different.  The hard part (sometimes) is to find someone who fits in with your way of thinking.  I've looked at tons of couples and thought to myself "How in the world do they live like that?" (like one of my best friends who has an open relationship with his fiance...or people who marry for money and don't love the person they are with, yet they are both happy...or when people say that because their partner cheated it brought them closer together).  It makes no sense to me...but as long as they are happy and it works for them...why should I judge?

I remember although DH and I talked about kids before our wedding, on our wedding day I did say to him-- 'Are you 100% sure you want children, because that is all I've wanted all my life and I really need you to want that too.' He said 'Of course I want them, now can we go get married?' hah

My older sister however has been in a relationship with a man for over 6 years and she found out around the 4 year mark that he didnt want children and she did. She's tried talking to him about it loads of times but he won't budge. Shes still with him today and is convinced she can change his mind. They're not married yet as she's waiting for him to propose and i think this issue is holding him back because he knows how desperately she wants children. She's 29 now and I do fear she's running out to time if she doesn't make a move soon. 

For some people, it's really not that big of a deal.  I would like to have one child in a vague sort of way, but I don't feel like my life will be incomplete without one.  DH started off saying he didn't want children, then he said he did, now he says he doesn't again.  Basically for us, if we have a child we have one, and if we don't then we don't, and we'll do our best in whatever situation we find ourselves in.  When we first met, I was more enthusiastic about the idea of children, and DH was set against it, but I never considered that a deal breaker.  I would rather be with a wonderful man who loves me and have no children than to have children with one who would dump me if I didn't want any. 

Fantastically put. I'm on the fence at the moment, have been against it before, and have wanted them before. My SO has talked about having them, now he's against it. I honestly think this is something that can be worked through as long as there is loads of communication about it.

Fantastically put. I'm on the fence at the moment, have been against it before, and have wanted them before. My SO has talked about having them, now he's against it. I honestly think this is something that can be worked through as long as there is loads of communication about it.

I think a lot us waiver back and forth on the issue. I know I do, and so does DH. It sounds like something neither of you are ready to do at the moment, so at least you are agreed on that. It's hard to think about how you will both feel in the future, though.

We covered all of our "deal breakers" when we were still in the LDR stages, because then we'd be able to cut our losses, so to speak.

1. To have/not to have children. We chose "not", for many, many reasons which make sense for our life and life style.

2. Lying/cheating-We said that we'd rather know if the other person has gone off us, point blank, rather than lying/cheating to each other. Besides, I'm an awful liar, and it would do my head in, spinning all sorts of stories!

Those are about it. I married my best friend, so I know the good and not so good, and vice versa.

Who does this??! 

That's what I want to know?!  Do you know?! 

That's what I want to know?!  Do you know?! 

So as not to continue to disgust this otherwise sensible thread I've started a dog poo rant in the airing cupboard. 

So as not to continue to disgust this otherwise sensible thread I've started a dog poo rant in the airing cupboard. 

Well something that stinky definitely needs to be aired!