Advice for when you finally get here

Hello to all of you who are about to move to the UK to be with your British loved one... on one hand I am super excited for you, your life will never be the same!  On the other hand, I wouldn't have wished my first two years in the UK on my worst enemy.  I won't lie to you, it's gonna be hard.  I'm in the middle of getting divorced from my British husband, and it's partly to do with those first few months/years together when I moved here.  Maybe my advice can help someone else.

When I moved here, I didn't know how to do anything.  I didn't know how to catch a bus (because I didn't know what stop to get off at!), didn't get what all the coins were, didn't know what foods to ask for in the grocery store, didn't know how to write a check, I felt completely infantalised (if that's even a word!).  I had come from Chicago, where I had lived my whole life, and I felt like everything I had learned up until then was all for nothing, because I had to re-learn all of these very basic life skills.

My husband was seemingly very understanding, but I could tell over the months that he wasn't very happy with the situation.  The way he took it out on me was to withhold 'affection' shall we say.  It took literally SEVEN years of me begging for him to tell me what was wrong for him to finally tell me that when he and I met in Chicago, he thought I was this very independent, feisty woman and that's what he fell in love with.  Then when I moved here, I was very needy and he had to do everything.  It took me a long time to get a job (I had a degree from Northwestern which meant nothing over here!) and he felt like he was doing absolutely everything - earning the money, doing the shopping (I didn't drive straight away and we lived in a rural county so you had to drive everywhere), etc.  So he held a grudge all of these years for how much he had to do over that first year I was here.

Yeah, that's totally selfish of him, but it's a bit of a warning to everyone that it's very easy to fall into a 'woe is me' situation, you are a stranger in a strange land and you will be shocked at how much you took for granted.  You'll want to bake chocolate chip cookies and then you'll stress and break out crying because you miss home and you realise your recipe calls for a stick of butter and they sell it here in grams.  It's the little things like that which you never see coming, the little things which are going to throw you and get you stressed.  I was unlucky that my husband didn't really understand how difficult it was being an expat - he thought I was going to be exactly the same girl he fell in love with in Chicago. 

I definitely don't want to make anyone doubt coming over here - if you can get over the first two years then things get SO much easier.  It will be even 10x easier if you get a tumble dryer  

Don't forget, when you are making that solo plane trip back from visiting your sweetheart, and you feel like your heart is aching so badly that no one else could ever understand what you're feeling, we do.  Pretty much everyone on here has been through something very similar.  I hope my little tale didn't come across as too much of a downer, I just really don't want anyone on here to go through something similar, when maybe all you needed was a bit of a heads-up.

Erika

For the record, I'm in a new relationship and about a million times happier than I've been in, well, since I can't remember!  You know American tales usually have a happy ending

I really like the advice your giving here. I think a lot of how you get on over here is down to how much you try.  Only you can make your situation better and more comfortable over here, no one else.

My biggest piece of advice to any expat when they come over here is if they don't live in London, get your UK drivers license! It will make such a difference to your independence, you will be able to nip to the shop when you need to and not rely on your DH to do everything and you will be able to get a much better job than you will relying on public transport routes.

I've been here 5 years now, and at one point i was counting down the days til we could move back to the US but now that i have a fab job, great friends and a house i absolutely adore (and a little british baby on the way), DH is applying for a really good job transfer to the US and i find myself hoping he doesnt get it because i dont want to move.. i love it here! 

Sorry to hear you had such a hard time, Erika, but I think it's important to point out, if we're giving advice for people who have just moved, that not everyone has trouble adjusting.  Some will and some won't, everyone is different.  I think the best advice that anyone can be given is to spend at least a month or two in the UK before getting married and moving over permanently, that will at least give you some idea of what to expect and how you will respond to it.  Also, do your research.  There is nearly always information about bus services, cooking conversions, etc on the internet.  There's even instructions on how to write a British cheque (yes, really!).  If you don't want to ask your spouse, google it.  Most people will go through some sort of adjustment period, but how long or how difficult that period is will depend on the individual person.  It's good to be prepared, but perhaps not necessary to be prepared for the worst case scenario  

Glad you were able to see your way through the challenging times, Erika.

I am lucky to have a supportive husband, who is always there for me when I'm struggling with something - even if just to listen or let me cry on his shoulder & vent.  However, he is also very shy, so as far as making a social life for myself (and for us), it really was up to me to put myself out there & make it happen.  Fortunately, I did, and it did. 

I agree with historyenne on this.  Luckily, most people on this site seem to "do their homework" ahead of time and ask lots of questions/research to prepare themselves for the changes that are going to happen once they move.  I think if you (and your partner) go into it with the mindset that you probably will be completely lost for a few months, it makes the adjustment a lot easier.  A week after I arrived here, I was scared to walk 50 yards to the library and ask for a copy of my passport by myself (you could literally see the library from the house).  I didn't even like going anywhere with hubby's mum if he wasn't with us.  I did feel like a little kid learning how to live life all over again (how to turn the boiler on and off, how to wash clothes, what temperature to cook food on, learning the slang, trying to understand the accent, looking the correct way when crossing the street, etc) but since I was prepared for those things to happen before I moved (thanks to this site!), it wasn't as detrimental as it could have been if I didn't keep the right attitude about things.  I think the level of support/understanding you have from your partner is crutial though.  As a former military member/war veteran, someone who has been "on their own" for over 10 years and a single mom for 5 years, I was forced to be independent whether I wanted to be or not (although it is a strong character trait I have anyway).  My hubby also said that was one of the reasons he fell in love with me.  It's easy to feel overwhelmed at the lack of independence if you don't keep your mind in the right place during all the changes.

I will agree with most of you.  I read a lot on here and had the "heads up" but it can still shock you sometimes.  My DH is fabulous and I know one reason he loves me is because I am independent and I must continue to be that way.  My DH works off shore so is gone 2 weeks at a time which makes me HAVE to get out there and do things.  Which is fine as I am one of those people anyway. 
When I moved here we had 4 weeks to get things kinda situated then he had to go to work and that is when I kicked in and shopped to get the house set up.  He loves the fact that it feels like a home but kids that each time he comes home he doesnt know what else I have done.  It is my way of making it home and part mine.

I was driving soon as the insurance kicked in and thank god for his friends wife's/girlfriends who include me to go shopping and pub quiz's.  Not to mention a few good friends from here who let me vent a bit when needed and I have met up with them as well.  I keep myself busy but not nearly as busy socially as I was in Texas but never the less I keep busy.  Thank god for books and online TV ;-)

I think it depends on the person you are eventually you will get the balls and go and do something.  Get outside the fear but dont get me wrong I fear about not being as independent as I once was since I make half the money I used too and then the exchange it is lower BUT I do have a job so I am thankful.

I get lonely when he is gone but work and friends are here for me and that makes me life seem ok.  Also the fact that we have dates to go to the US helps ;-)

I say each person is their own person just come with your guns loaded aka knowledge.

Sorry for the ramble BUT I am happy to hear you have found a new man that can appreciate you ;-)

I was lucky I'd already had a year in the UK on a job exchange, so by the time we married I pretty much had the buses- money - cheque-writing down pat. But I think I always deferred to DH on practical things like dealing with the gas company and that kind of thing because I figured it was his country so he knew the ropes better than I did. I think I just drifted into things more than if I'd married someone in the States. I was an observer. I felt perfectly comfortable in toddling through my daily existence but I never had to be independent.

So sorry to hear about all you went through, Erika. He should've been much more supportive of you and realised that your independent nature would come through again in time. It's great to hear that things have all worked out for you now, though. I love happy endings! 

It is different for each person, and although I read a lot of things on here and elsewhere online and asked thousands of questions before I moved over, it was naturally a big adjustment. I do think getting that UK driving licence makes a HUGE difference. I felt very reliant on DH, was really down about not being able to just go shopping or take a drive when I wanted to, and it was hard for me when I was taking my lessons and everything - mega stress and frustration and general moaning about how much easier and better it was to drive in the US. But man, I feel sooo much more confident living here for having made it through that little British rite of passage! 

I have been gaining my independence back in time, and tried to be patient and remind myself that it would take a while to learn to do things in new ways. And as far as writing a cheque goes, I still haven't done it. I was going to write one once, but even my DH and my MIL had no idea how to do it! He always paid all his bills online and MIL pays hers in person at the bank.  Things like that do make you feel silly, but if you keep a good perspective on it and learn not to kick yourself too much, then you can move forward and be a bit more like yourself again.

Saying all of this, it really is important if you are a spouse moving over to join a British partner, that your partner be willing to also be patient and supportive and expect you to have bad days here and there and be willing to help you get through them. I feel very lucky that I found the right person who always makes me laugh and feel lighthearted even on days when I feel less than enthusiastic. Of course there were times when I am sure that he wished I could just get over my insane anxiety about driving here already or whatever, but he tried not to let that show, he just encouraged me to keep doing my best and it all worked out. It is equally important, however, to get out there and participate and learn because you will never acclimate to your new environment if you are too frightened to be a part of it, with or without your British partner. You can't be too afraid to make mistakes, because that is all part of the experience.

I think Jewlz has a good point: getting that British driving license would make a big difference in feeling independent and like you're in control of your adjustment.
Good luck, Erika.

I have to say Im a bit nervous about moving, expecially after reading this!  I know this post wasnt meant to me be that way. 

I am about to move to Manchester in Sept. and I will not get a chance to live there 1-2 months before...so yes I am being thrown head first into this life changing new lifesytle.  I am nervous about it.  I can already see myself being the scared type that is very dependent.  I am planning on focusing my energy when I first get there to getting a job, and starting driving lessons, but will still feel lost.  I know I felt lost and like an infant when I visited just 2 weeks ago!  I do have that fear that my fiance will no longer see me as this independent outgoing girl.  I tried to explain to him that I will be very dependent on him for everything at first - help getting our apartment, cell phone, wording, understanding, the buses (omg i am not good at that), bank accounts...everything.  I think he likes the idea right now, but I can see anyone getting tired of that quick. 

This week I am selling my stuff in a mass yard sale my parents community is having...so yes I can honestly say I am NERVOUS about selling all of my furniture and items.  I shouldnt be nervous.  I am though.  Did anyone else get nervous about this?  I think a thread on advise when first moving to the Uk is a good idea.  Sometimes advice etc can get lost in the many threads here.
 What gets me confident is that so many of you are living there happy and adapted.

Don't forget this website! There are a few of us scattered around Manchester for more practical type advice, and tons of people willing to help no matter where they are.  For me, I found Manchester to be a *help* in settling.  It's such a vibrant and changeable area and everyone is fairly used to people from all over ending up here--so I had a lot of help from people around me to get started.  (And little old ladies are the BEST on buses--I had one walk me from the stop to where I needed to go, and LOTS of them help me figure out which stop I had to say). Plus, there are lots of Manchester specific resources online to help you prepare before you have to leave the house (I used the transport site a LOT--I would write down the stop I needed and the two stops before and after so I would sort of "know" when I was getting close or if I had gone too far!).
I think a lot of us go through the "oh god, I can't even go food shopping" stage--but it does get better. MY DH has been a huge help, but part of it was also my determination (and ornery nature  ) to really have a life here with him.  Now, I'm even busier than he is!

I have to say Im a bit nervous about moving, expecially after reading this!  I know this post wasnt meant to me be that way. 

I am about to move to Manchester in Sept. and I will not get a chance to live there 1-2 months before...so yes I am being thrown head first into this life changing new lifesytle.  I am nervous about it.  I can already see myself being the scared type that is very dependent.  I am planning on focusing my energy when I first get there to getting a job, and starting driving lessons, but will still feel lost.  I know I felt lost and like an infant when I visited just 2 weeks ago!  I do have that fear that my fiance will no longer see me as this independent outgoing girl.  I tried to explain to him that I will be very dependent on him for everything at first - help getting our apartment, cell phone, wording, understanding, the buses (omg i am not good at that), bank accounts...everything.  I think he likes the idea right now, but I can see anyone getting tired of that quick. 

This week I am selling my stuff in a mass yard sale my parents community is having...so yes I can honestly say I am NERVOUS about selling all of my furniture and items.  I shouldnt be nervous.  I am though.  Did anyone else get nervous about this?  I think a thread on advise when first moving to the Uk is a good idea.  Sometimes advice etc can get lost in the many threads here.
 What gets me confident is that so many of you are living there happy and adapted.

Awww, don't worry. Of course you are nervous. Moving to a different country is a huge event! And it will take time to learn how to do things, you just have to be patient and not be too hard on yourself while you are learning. I actually waited until after the first year to take driving lessons because just settling in was stressful enough without adding in the driving lessons. Once I felt a bit more settled and was ready for the challenge, I went for it and I am glad I did. It would have been nice to have done it as soon as I got here, but I tried to drive a few times with my DH and it was just too much for me to get used to at once. It's different for everyone. Just take your time, be kind to yourself and give yourself little challenges. I was so disoriented for the first few weeks that I got lost several times in our tiny little village (embarrassing!) and had to hold up the queue at the market while I stared at the coins in my hand remembering what was what. I nearly got hit by a few cars until I got used to which way to look. My MIL had to ride the bus with me for the first time because I didn't really know how. I had to ask a lot of seemingly ridiculous questions (and nearly two years later, I still do!) We've all been there. Just try to keep a good attitude and have a laugh about things instead of letting yourself sink into a depression over it.

Look at every day as a new adventure where you will learn something you didn't know.... it's certainly an exciting time when you everything around you is so new. Enjoy it! 

I'll admit that I really do admire the strength and confidence that I see from people on this board. I can't imagine how humbling and stressful it must be moving to a place where your spouse is already established. Nothing like feeling like the odd man out.

Luckily DH and I are both US citizens moving abroad for the first time in our lives (after several Stateside moves), and we're in it together. We may both make complete fools of ourselves but at least we'll be learning the ropes together...all while hopefully having the time of our lives.

Best of luck to you all!

(Now I'm off to Google what makes cheque-writing such a challenge in the U.K...)

(Now I'm off to Google what makes cheque-writing such a challenge in the U.K...)

I have been writing an occasional cheque here & there since I arrived (to the builder, other contractors, the milkman, etc) - and I'll admit I am mystified?  Maybe someone who found this a challenge can explain?  (I didn't find it that much different from writing a cheque in the US, FWIW.)

I have been writing an occasional cheque here & there since I arrived (to the builder, other contractors, the milkman, etc) - and I'll admit I am mystified?  Maybe someone who found this a challenge can explain?  (I didn't find it that much different from writing a cheque in the US, FWIW.)

I googled it too out of curiousity since I had written a few cheques when I lived in the UK for school.  It seemed pretty similar to the US ones. Hopefully someone will come by and explain the difference.