What If It Doesn't Work???

Could you arrange to rent your home out for awhile, or not sell it right away - until you see how things go over here?

This was my exact thought. Get someone to rent your house for a year and then make a final decision after that time. At least you would have somewhere to go if it doesnt work out.

And UKY'ers are very creative and supportive people, so we will try our best to find creative options for you as well.   
And the Embassay probably can help as well if you're completely stuck.

Do you still have family in the US? Perhaps they'll be a good safety net to allow you to crash with them if the need arises. I know that if I had problems, I have plenty of family to return to.  I know not everyone is so fortunate. If that's not an option, how about any friends in the US? 

phatbeetle, I have a couple of friends in the US who are close enough that I might feel comfortable asking for help in a pinch.  Family is not an option - they are just too dysfunctional as of now, and not too many of them still around.  I'm not good at asking for help, and would hate to burden anyone. 

I do hope I can get to know UKY'ers and make some friends here.  I know I'll be needing the friendship and guidance as I get further in the process.  And besides, everyone here has already been so darn friendly to me!  Just articulating these fears is helpful.

Teddy

Teddy, moving is a huge decision and I have to agree with Mrs Robinson.  If at all possible, I would try to find a way to spend more time together if you are having as many 'what ifs' as it sounds like you are.  That doesn't mean that you don't love your partner and you don't want to marry her, but it is a HUGE decision. 

My husband and I met online in the summer/autumn of 2004, he came out to the States in April, then again in June (when we got engaged) and I didn't move over till March of 2006.  We only had those 2 visits together and it was only about 4-5 weeks in total.  I came over on a visitors visa with a return flight booked for about 3 months out (my way out and it turned out to be much cheaper to buy a return than a one-way) which I ended up not using.  We didn't get married straight away and we had to figure out how we could do it (which we did, found a then existant loophole.) I then returned to the States and did my visa. I don't suggest doing this route.  The stress and chance of refusal for skirting the rules are not worth it.

Would I have felt so certian about getting married after only spending about 5 weeks in total with him?  I'm not sure.  I knew I WANTED to and that I loved him, but the practical aspect of it we wouldn't have known until we spent a good chunk of time together and found that. 

Can you go over there for a few months (I understand that with young kids  coming over to the states isn't an option for your fiance).  Maybe look at the fiance visa route and renting your house for 6 months or so.  Yes, it is more expensive, but mentally is may be less expensive.

Good luck.

That being the case, perhaps something in your gut is saying that it's too soon?  Or that you're not yet ready?  I think it's important to pay attention to internal messages like that, personally.

Could you arrange to rent your home out for awhile, or not sell it right away - until you see how things go over here?

Hi Mrs Robinson    Honestly, I don't know if these rather outrageous fears are my "gut" speaking, or just my propensity to worry.  I believe I'd be having these concerns no matter what -- it's just my nature to conjure up the worst-case scenario.  I'd do it even my fiancée had a physical halo flying above her head and the softest of angel wings attached to her shoulders.    

I give strong weight to what my "gut" tells me.  Since there simply are no guarantees in life, and since even long, in-person courtships don't always work as was pointed out earlier, we are kinda left with taking these risks on faith.  

Renting my home is an option I'd dismissed, but might actually look into doing.  Thing is, my home is part of a cooperative, which means there are restrictions on renting.  I'd have to get special permission.  And managing that from overseas just adds another layer of complexity.  What happens if the refrigerator breaks?  What about income taxes from renting?  Yikes...  I couldn't rent for longer than 2 yrs, but that would be the perfect time frame.  Having the extra monthly income would be nice.  Maybe the real estate market over here will recover by then, too!  So, it's a possibility.

Teddy

Teddy, moving is a huge decision and I have to agree with Mrs Robinson.  If at all possible, I would try to find a way to spend more time together if you are having as many 'what ifs' as it sounds like you are.  That doesn't mean that you don't love your partner and you don't want to marry her, but it is a HUGE decision.

Hi pengi,

What I've kinda been trying to say is I'm not sure I'd classify my feelings as "having doubts."  This really descends into some painful self-psychoanalysis, doesn't it?  I just have a natural inclination to worry about anything and everything.  If I stubbed my toe, I'd probably be looking for a wheelchair for my pending leg amputation. 

On my side, the biggest impediment to a longer visit is my dog.  Just now started the steps so I can bring my dog with me, and I have to wait 7 months for that to be complete.  Boarding her while I was gone for a long stay in the UK would be expensive, and I don't have anyone who would keep her for me.

Then there is the cost factor.  My reading thus far is that it will cost roughly $1,000 for pet transport.  It would be roughly $1,000 for the marriage visa, and then another $1,000 for the spouse visa.  Then, the 2yr trial period before applying for indefinite leave to remain, and whatever the fee is associated with all that.  So getting married now would save $1,000 - a pretty hefty sum in my circumstances, alas.   

Plus, I hate flying, and I'm not fond of volcanoes either!!

Teddy

Hi Teddy,
I don't have much to add to what everyone else has said. I just wanted to let you know that I was smiling reading your posts because I understand what you are saying about it not being so much doubts as just looking at the worse side of things. My DH and I sound alot like you and your gf. My DH lives life with the philosophy that if you expect and plan for the worse thing then it is a wonderful treat when the best thing happens and you aren't as upset if something goes wrong. This isn't for me, I think of all that wasted time you worried about something for no reason- I prefer to assume all will be well. Either way both ways of thought work for us individually and we balance each other well with them most of the time.

So you aren't alone

Teddy,

I just wanted to pipe in as well.  I think you have been given great advice here! You are not alone and there is never a gaunrentee but always follow your gut and heart - they kinda need to match.

I do think you should rent your house - get an agency to do it for you for 6 months/1 year since it is paid off its just cash in the bank. Wait for the market to pick up and then sell.  You never quite mention your exact condition except for not being able to see as well so driving is out but is it common? Could you find other groups here in the UK with people in the same predictiment? Maybe even volunteer once its legal with people to have you help them and they help you at the same time!

Everyone worries about not having their own friends and support but you make that happen and UKY has been invaluable for the people I have met or given me encouragement.

I appreciate your posts as they are logical, well thought out and you seem genuine.

I hope it works out and I know there is 7 more months because of the pups ;-)
Luck to you!

I just wanted to let you know that I was smiling reading your posts because I understand what you are saying about it not being so much doubts as just looking at the worse side of things.

Hi HG,

You and your DH do sound a lot like me and my fiancée!  I'm glad these worries can bring a smile!  I do hope your attitude, and the attitude of my fiancée can rub off on me - it does get a little tiring when I imagine my glass is not just half-empty, but bone dry!!     There's something to be said for the balance of yin and yang.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Teddy

Teddy,

I just wanted to pipe in as well.  I think you have been given great advice here! You are not alone and there is never a gaunrentee but always follow your gut and heart - they kinda need to match.

I do think you should rent your house - get an agency to do it for you for 6 months/1 year since it is paid off its just cash in the bank. Wait for the market to pick up and then sell.  You never quite mention your exact condition except for not being able to see as well so driving is out but is it common? Could you find other groups here in the UK with people in the same predictiment? Maybe even volunteer once its legal with people to have you help them and they help you at the same time!

Everyone worries about not having their own friends and support but you make that happen and UKY has been invaluable for the people I have met or given me encouragement.

I appreciate your posts as they are logical, well thought out and you seem genuine.

I hope it works out and I know there is 7 more months because of the pups ;-)
Luck to you!

Hi JennBean,

Oy, I really appreciate your kind words, and the great feedback I've received.  Now that the idea of renting has been firmly implanted in the ol' gray matter, I'm going to fully explore that path. 

My particular eye condition is pretty darn rare.  But most people with partial vision face similar obstacles, even though the specific manifestation may be different.  I have already begun surfing the web to find groups and resources in the Shoreham-by-Sea area that might be a source of mutual support for me.  I do hope I can do some volunteer work, as that would certainly help me meet people and make friends.

Now that I've stumbled upon it, I am dearly hoping that UKY will be a source of friendship and support for me as well.  Do UKY'ers meet up with each other in the UK?  I noticed there is a chat function here, but it seems to have been disabled.   

Again, thanks so very much for the understanding words ... it really helps immensely to get this kind of encouragement.  You have passed along a bit of random kindness which will now ripple through the known universe!   

Cheers!
Teddy

hi Teddy

Interesting comments, i am actually in the UK and my wife is moving over in two weeks i guess its natural to have these concerns if anyone told you they didnt i would probably say they are not being honest ha! My wife is really nervous and excited at the same time and she asks me on a number of occassions 'what if i dont fit in?' what if i dont make friends?' 'what if i cant get a job'. I too fall into the trap saying oh dont worry its easy haha but im a ukc in the uk of course it is easy its my home, but your other half will surely be sensitive towards this, i have a very active social life, one my wife joins me in everytime she has visited but i know for the first couple of months i need to be there for her to settle in, im going to get her insured on my car and start taking her out straight away, luckily she gets on really well with my sister and they are all ready setting nights out together, and as for a job i tell her not to worry for a while i can afford to keep her, but a job is a great way to make new friends. Support and understanding is key here, also plan stuff for when she gets here make her feel like she is part of your life (which she is), we have talked how she wants to decorate my place haha buy furniture, where we want to go on holiday in the summer, dont you see by doing this you other half wont feel like she is being a burden and just dropping into your life, she is your life and you are planning your future. Plus surely after being away dont you think you will be stuck to each other for the first couple of weeks anyway!! But its important for them to start a life of their own in the uk thats what is needed for a healthy relationship. 24/7 contact is not good in any relationship! But im excited for our future and im sure everything will be fine teddy

Hi Teddy!

You've been given some great advice here. There is always a bit of fear before taking a leap - I think its healthy, and if you don't have it, then perhaps you are a bit naive to the ways of the world.  I had only spent about 3.5 weeks altogether with my husband before the wedding (9 months after we met online - whirlwind romance!), and I worried about how it would be to live together, too, but I also felt it was the right thing to do, even though I was afraid, and I'm so glad I took the chance. But that didn't stop me from staying up all night a few times worrying about how I would get on with him once we were living together and how I would settle in here in the UK, worrying about making friends and finding a job, and just everything in general. It's a big, big change. And you do have to take chances in life and take risks in order to find your ultimate happiness, I think, but you also don't want to pin yourself into a corner and there is always the terror of making the worst decision of your life. As others have pointed out, even if you were selling your house to move down the street with a woman you had known most of your life, there is still no guarantee that it wouldn't turn out to be a bad decision in hindsight. We rarely ever see those actions as mistakes until its already too late, unfortunately. But I do think renting your place for a while would give you some security in knowing that you still have a home to go back to if things just don't work out. And once you have lived here with your partner for a year, then you will have a better indication of how content you will be to live with her here in the UK.

I don't know if she has expressed any concerns to you herself about your moving over. But often the roles were reversed for me, as sometimes DH would really get himself worked up about things like what if I hated the UK and wanted to move back to America, etc. He was so concerned that it would be a shiny penny for me that would tarnish with time and I wouldn't be happy here, and I would be the one telling him it would all be ok! It actually made me feel better that I wasn't the only one worrying about things like that. He told me straight out that if I hated the UK and decided to move back to Texas, he would be right behind me, that he would follow me anywhere and try to make it work. It made me feel better to know that he was willing to do whatever it took to make our relationship work, and I felt that I was willing to do anything, too. So I sold everything, packed the rest into a suitcase and the rest is history. Two years later, I'm happier than I have ever been and I know without a doubt that it was the best decision I have ever made. I'm sure it could've turned out to be the worst decision, but like I said, you just never know.

I'm sure if it didn't work out, you would find a way to sort your life out again. People overcome harder obstacles than that in their lives. Renting your house would definitely leave a door open and perhaps make you feel less trapped in your decision. It's good to think about things like that ahead of time. But, try to make sure you are focusing more of your attention to Plan A than to Plan B! 

Hi Teddy,

Yes UK-Yers do get together occasionally.  It's all about having someone in your area who organises things though.  In the Leeds, York, Harrogate area, we are lucky we have a couple of organisers so a groups of us tend to get together occasionally.  If you're willing to be a champion and organise meet ups if there are UK-Yers in your area, it can be really rewarding. 

The other thing I wanted to say is that I don't know what your eye condition is, but my husband has limited visibility due to an eye condition he has.  When he moved back to the UK when he was 15 after 10 years abroad I know getting around was a worry for him.  He wanted to find his independence as a teen, which I know isn't your situation, but he was able to easily use public transport from his tiny village in Bedfordshire.  My dh's vision isn't bad enough that he can't drive, but it was bad enough that he was reluctant to learn and he's been able to get around just fine on transport and be very independent.  I've skimmed through your posts, but if you aren't worried about the independence aspect, then just disregard this point.   

i am actually in the UK and my wife is moving over in two weeks i guess its natural to have these concerns if anyone told you they didnt i would probably say they are not being honest ha! My wife is really nervous and excited at the same time and she asks me on a number of occassions 'what if i dont fit in?' what if i dont make friends?' 'what if i cant get a job'. I too fall into the trap saying oh dont worry its easy haha but im a ukc in the uk of course it is easy its my home, but your other half will surely be sensitive towards this, i have a very active social life, one my wife joins me in everytime she has visited but i know for the first couple of months i need to be there for her to settle in, im going to get her insured on my car and start taking her out straight away, luckily she gets on really well with my sister and they are all ready setting nights out together, and as for a job i tell her not to worry for a while i can afford to keep her, but a job is a great way to make new friends. Support and understanding is key here, also plan stuff for when she gets here make her feel like she is part of your life (which she is), we have talked how she wants to decorate my place haha buy furniture,

Hi UKGUY23,

So, big congratulations on wife over there to be with you!  Sounds to me like you've got the bases covered.  For my part, I am honestly expecting the adjustment phase to last longer than a couple of months.  I have moved many time all around the US and even relocating within the same country, it seems to take a year or more to feel like the new location is home.  My fiancée is constantly uttering those adorable English expressions -- I mean, really now, how many words can there be to insult people, for ahem certain body parts, or to express displeasure???  Just recently I was informed that what we call a weed whacker over here is called a strimmer in the UK.  Our nomenclature drew a huge chuckle from my fiancée.  I can only imagine the horror I would have experienced to go into a hardware store using the US vernacular!  And that's so minor, but some things could really throw a person off.  Like the difference in how we label floors in tall buildings! 

I hope my fiancée will be as patient and as prepared as you seem to be.  Beyond the dire extreme of everything going completely wrong, I worry about the "lesser" problem of making friends and fitting in.  I'm pretty darn shy, so it will be a real challenge. 

Anyway, best of luck to you again with the arrival of your wife!!  Sounds def like you've got it under control to me, and wishing you much joy and happiness!

Teddy

Hi Jewlz!!!

I had only spent about 3.5 weeks altogether with my husband before the wedding (9 months after we met online - whirlwind romance!)

Wow, this really helps, as your situation sounds so very similar to mine.  Except we've had only 2 weeks together during my visit to the UK, with near daily contact via Skype in the ~9 months since then.  And my fiancée will be arriving here for a 2 1/2 week visit in just 10 days.  We are still having discussions, but are planning on getting married at the county courthouse, quick and dirty.  then, we'll have a proper ceremony once I get to the UK.  It all just seems right to me, even despite the massive anxiety.

As others have pointed out, even if you were selling your house to move down the street with a woman you had known most of your life, there is still no guarantee that it wouldn't turn out to be a bad decision in hindsight. We rarely ever see those actions as mistakes until its already too late, unfortunately.

This is the most comforting piece of wisdom to come from this thread, and I'm clinging to it dearly.  One of my friends also gave the following maxim, "Only do what you can't do without."  When I imagine my life without my fiancée, it feels pretty bleak.  So, that is motivating me to push back against the inevitable fear.

But I do think renting your place for a while would give you some security in knowing that you still have a home to go back to if things just don't work out. And once you have lived here with your partner for a year, then you will have a better indication of how content you will be to live with her here in the UK.

Yeah -- it seems renting is the safest, sanest course of action.  It means I have to get the permission of my cooperative association, and deal with the rigmarole of how to do it.  I've never rented out property before, but I know you have to deal with tenants who don't pay on time, stuff that breaks, property damage, and so on.  Hoping I can turn it over to some kind of management company to do these things, as I really can't bear yet another pile of details!  Argh!

Of course, the worried brain says... "But if you're renting out your house and something goes wrong, then you won't be able to move back into it until the tenant's lease is over..."  <pulling out hair!!>

I don't know if she has expressed any concerns to you herself about your moving over. But often the roles were reversed for me, as sometimes DH would really get himself worked up about things like what if I hated the UK and wanted to move back to America, etc.

Aaah, your DH sounds so sweet!  My fiancée once said, "Don't you think I have similar worries?  I just don't show them as much as you..."  I wish she was a little more open in sharing, as I think it would be comfort to know I'm not alone in the apprehension.  But on the other hand, her constancy is itself reassuring.  I do believe she has as many fears as I do, along the lines of your DH.  In my past relationship, my girlfriend moved from Michigan to Maryland to be with me.  It wasn't so much a huge deal because she was planning to relocate after graduate school anyway.  But, the shoe was on the other foot, and I do remember well the fear that she would change her mind before her moving date.  And being so relieved when she finally arrived in her U-Haul. 

My fiancée has said flat out that she would move here to the US to be with me if that's what it took.  But that's not really feasible given her children, one of whom has special needs.  She's more rooted with family than I am.  It only makes sense to do it this way.  Besides, I like the UK!!

Loved phrase about the shiny penny that tarnishes with time...  In my case, it is me that is so worried that my fiancée's feelings about me will tarnish with time.  I think this gets into past mistakes and the scars they leave...

Oh, and you're from Texas!  Despite presently hailing from Maryland, I grew up in Arkansas.  So I'll be embarking on my new life with the remnants of my southern twang.  My fiancée claims to like my voice, but I've heard other Brits poking fun at the southern accent.  What have you experienced?

So I sold everything, packed the rest into a suitcase and the rest is history. Two years later, I'm happier than I have ever been and I know without a doubt that it was the best decision I have ever made. I'm sure it could've turned out to be the worst decision, but like I said, you just never know.

Congratulations, Jewlz!!!  I'm so glad taking the chance worked for you, and I'm so glad you shared your story!  What a ... jewel!!     I'll be murmuring your story as part of my anti-stress mantra!

It's good to think about things like that ahead of time. But, try to make sure you are focusing more of your attention to Plan A than to Plan B! 

Amen, and thank you for that one!  One really has to work to keep stuff in perspective!  Your comments have helped a lot, and I very much appreciate the support.

Cheer!
Teddy

Hi again, internet addict!

Yes UK-Yers do get together occasionally.  It's all about having someone in your area who organises things though. 

Well, rest assured, let me get over there, and I will be happy to organize a get together.  I feel confident my fiancée will be supportive of this endeavor.  So it's just a matter of whether there are enough UKY'ers in the area or willing to travel to Shoreham-by-Sea, which is on the coast, near Brighton, and south of London.  Is there an easy way to find UKY'ers that will be in my area??

I see you're using Brit spelling.  When talking with my fiancée, I never quite know whether to start adopting Britspeak.  Do I call it "rubbish" or "garbage?"    

The other thing I wanted to say is that I don't know what your eye condition is, but my husband has limited visibility due to an eye condition he has.  When he moved back to the UK when he was 15 after 10 years abroad I know getting around was a worry for him.  He wanted to find his independence as a teen, which I know isn't your situation, but he was able to easily use public transport from his tiny village in Bedfordshire. 

Thanks so much for sharing this!  My eye condition, and the limitations it places on my mobility is truthfully the underlying factor that makes me worry so much about not being a burden, and stirs up my fears of how I'd recover if things did go wrong...  Knowing that I could be self-sufficient would assuage my concerns greatly.  Even when there is good bus service -- buses running frequently and going to the most needed destinations -- there are still obstacles and issues.  Not being able to easily read street signs, being able to see street crossing signals, seeing well enough to get on the right bus...  We took the train from Shoreham to Brighton, and from there into London.  Unlike the subway here, which has only one track, there were multiple tracks.  And even the ticket machines were a bit intimidating.  I wonder if there is any kind of service that helps people in my condition learn to ride public transit?  Just someone patiently showing me the ropes a few times is all I'd really need...

Oh, I can't wait to get there!!  So much to look forward to!!

Cheers!!
Teddy