Cultural Differences?

Last year my mother lost her battle to cancer. Fortunately I was able to fly back home and be with her in her last days.

My question is, are Brits afraid to acknowledge death?  In the year that this has happend I have not heard anything from two of my British friends (one that I have had for ten years?) No card, acknowledgement, nothing! In fact I've not heard from them at all  since this happened! 

When I returned back to the UK from California after her death my father in law asked how my vacation was!  Noone from my husband's family called me or anything. (They just ask via my husband how I am)

In contrast my work mates were great and supportive here in the UK.

Is this just a cultural thing?

Oh, I'm not sure. I haven't really had to deal with this yet on my end. When someone dies in our village, it seems everyone around here goes to the funeral, but then afterwards, they just go out to the pubs and have a good time and don't mention the deceased at all. Perhaps it is just uncomfortable for them to mention it, or they are afraid they will upset you by doing so? I know when my father passed away, and I was living in the states at the time, a lot of people tended to avoid the subject for fear of upsetting me and if I brought it up myself, they changed the subject. I guess a lot of people don't want to talk about death. 

I don't think it's fear of acknowledging death, it's just that here I think there is less of a tendency to talk about what are seen as very private matters. When my dad got very ill and then died, people were very supportive and asked if I was ok, but generally they only did that once, and after that only talked about it if I brought it up. As Jewlz said, people didn't want to keep asking for fear it would upset me, and I think because they saw it as a private matter and none of their business. I didn't receive any cards or anything, but I got the impression that bereavement cards aren't as commonly used here except by older people, and only if they knew the deceased. It's a bit odd that someone would ask how your vacation was, but that might be just the individual feeling awkward.

When dh's mother died, he did receive cards from friends and even some childhood friends' parents.  It does seem to be a private thing, but I'm surprised if you are good friends with someone that you did not get a card.  That could be a personal thing though, like dh and I aren't into cards.

 I think it's harder though for people to feel connected to an event in your life if it happens half way around the world.  I know my Brit friends and I don't really discuss my family, friends or life in the US, I think because they have no frame of reference for it. I've also found that at least my British friends won't ask questions based on hints.  For example, in the US if I had big news I could drop a hint and someone would ask a question to allow me to discuss it.  I've notice my British friends don't pick up on these hints and more favour the 'well, if she wants to discuss it, she will' attitude.  It's fine, but just meant I needed to adjust.  It's along the what's private is private lines.  Maybe your friends feel that if you need to talk about it, you will. 

I am sorry to hear about your mother.  I hope you are coping okay. 

Thank you all for your responses. One thing you brought to light is the distance factor ... how can people really relate/ be connected when an event has happened on the other side of the world. What really bugs me is that I hardly received any acknowlegement at all from my husband's family which does not leave me with much feeling of genoristy.

I would think your in-laws would have been more supportive. We certainly had a lot of support from my daughter's "almost in-laws" I don't think we experienced so much the sympathy cards and so on as much as people just stepping in and quietly helping us cope with whatever needed to be done.

My inlaws are 95. They are colonials and show absolutely no emotion. Like I said when I returned to the UK after my mother died my father in law asked how my vacation was as then later said that when his mother died he  had to get on with it and couldn't feel sorry for himself. Apparently my mother in law asks my husband how I am but never anything to my face. There has never been any condolences offered to me. Overall I am disgusted and feel quite cold to them now.

My inlaws are 95. They are colonials and show absolutely no emotion. Like I said when I returned to the UK after my mother died my father in law asked how my vacation was as then later said that when his mother died he  had to get on with it and couldn't feel sorry for himself. Apparently my mother in law asks my husband how I am but never anything to my face. There has never been any condolences offered to me. Overall I am disgusted and feel quite cold to them now.

Sounds very hard. But they are in their nineties so I suppose that accounts for a lot.

First off, let me say I'm very sorry for your loss. The lack of response from those closest to you seems to compound things, I imagine.

However, I don't agree with the "it's half way around the world so they can't relate" argument. They don't have mothers, sisters, fathers, brothers, uncles, etc? How is it different if it's in another country or another part of England? YOU are there, so it's not like they are geographically distant from you. There may be cultural differences at work (that stiff upper lip thing, especially since they are from another generation), but I think I'd talk to my DH to find out if this is how things normally are. Plus, it doesn't explain the reaction of your friends.

I think it has partly to do with your in-law's age - the stiff upper lip thing.  I've noticed what seems to be more of a cultural difference between old British vs. old Americans than between middle aged and younger Brits and Americans - maybe the influence of globalisation.

My British MIL is only in her mid-50s and I had a very different experience when my father died.

DH talks to his mum more than I do, and he had spoken to his mum a couple of times after my father died, so I just assumed he'd mentioned it during one of those phone calls, so I never phoned her to tell her about his death.

Eventually, MIL found out and she was FURIOUS at me for not telling her immediately.  She thought that, as a member of her family, I should have wanted to confide in her, and she was very hurt that I didn't feel close enough to automatically want to call her and share my feelings with her.

Thanks for your kind response. It's hard not to feel alot of resentment since the main reason we came over here was because of my husband's parent's advanced age. Well they are still alive and my mother was only 71 when she died. As a result, I lost her last four years with her and his parents are still kicking. 

I have talked to my husband about their lack of emotion.  Overall he says they are not warm people and he has never seen his mother cry.

As far as not hearing from certain friends; I guess I've found out they were not very good friends anyway.

Thanks for your kind response. It's hard not to feel alot of resentment since the main reason we came over here was because of my husband's parent's advanced age. Well they are still alive and my mother was only 71 when she died. As a result, I lost her last four years with her and his parents are still kicking. 

Well, I know what that feels like. We basically had to be around in the UK for my MIL who was older and very needy. By the time she passed on my parents were in fairly rocky shape but it was kind of too late for DH to make a move career-wise.

I think the average Brit,if they had friends /acquaintances who had a relative who was dying..would be inwardly concerned and feel for you but would only be very tentative in their enquiries or references to it as it would be felt that it was a very private and personal thing and that they would be anxious not to seem intrusive or to cause offence with the wrong questions/remarks. This can be perceived as a lack of concern.