A decision no one should have to make...will my luck ever come back?

Hi all,

So I am getting ready to move to Manchester in September for my fiance.  I have joint legal and physical custody of my 2.5 yr old daughter.  Right now I see her 4 days a month, the other time she lives with my ex hubby.  When i decided to move (since my fiance cant move to the USA...long story), I asked my ex hubby to agree to change my parenting schedule to I get my daughter 3 months in summer and 2 weeks at xmas.  I dont think thats unreasonable.  He thought about it, and basically agreed, without the legal stuff that has to happen. 

I sold my stuff, I am boxing things up to ship, and now he tells me that he will not agree to my daughter ever coming to visit me...ever.  One thing I asked was that we request a passport for her before I leave for the Uk, and he has said no to that as well.  He has violated the custody by changihng daycares for her without asking, moving her and him into his gf's house, and recently he refused to let me meet this woman even tho she will be helping raise my daughter.  Ive consulted a lawyer and he sayd that we can fight for this parenting time I want, but it will be hard bc my ex hubby wants proof that I can support her (i.e. job and house)  I have neither right now...i cant get those until I move over...but then I might be seen as abandoning or my ex wont agree to anything.  He wont even get the passport if im in the UK.  The lawyer says its sort of a - which comes first situation the chicken or the egg?  I cant get a job until I move there, but I cant move there.

I dont know what to do.  The question is - should I, can I, and will I move to England to be with my soulmate (and he is) with the chance of not seeing my daughter because of my heartless ex hubby, or do I not move be with my daughter for 4 days a month, and be unhappy?

I knwo most people would say their kids come first, and that they woud stay.  Hoenstly I am leaning to the moving option.  I love my daughter dearly, but I dont want to be unhappy here and resent my daughter or display unhappiness to her.  My fiance says he wont tell me what to do because he isnt going to ask me to give up my daughter, so its my choice.

What would you guys do?  Please give me advice or what you would do....and dont worry about giving me the wrong advice.  I think its good to get others perspectives.

Please help.

Its a hard situation but I say stick it out - get US affairs settled first because to fight for your daughter from across the pond will be much harder.  The courts will see you in a better light if you stay and FIGHT instead of leave and try to fight.

You will have to choose whats right for you.

Good luck!

I knwo most people would say their kids come first, and that they woud stay. 

I'm afraid that's what I would say. However, I'm not in your position so it's difficult to say. In the end, I think your fiance is right - it's got to be your decision and something you can live with. I hope you can get things sorted out with your ex.

I dont have children, so maybe it isnt even fair for me to comment, but I believe that when a person makes the decision to have children, they must always put their children first even above their own happiness (which is why I have not and probably will not have any).  If I were you, I would stay in the US because if I was your daughter, as I got older, I would wonder why you choose your fiance over me.  

That's horrible Katrina.  Especially as you were singing his praises as a father on here not that long ago.  I'm truly sorry you were in this position.  

I'm afraid I agree with Jenn, even though I have no experience with this.  I think it will be better if you stay and fight it out because it shows commitment on you part.  What about your fiance's job?  Can you use that to prove you can support her when you move over?  I'd be surprised if you couldn't because his supporting you is what would get you a visa.  I just think fighting from the UK would mean bigger fees and more hassle.  Is your lawyer specialised in international custody cases?  That may also be something to look for when choosing your lawyer.

... or do I not move be with my daughter for 4 days a month, and be unhappy?

I knwo most people would say their kids come first, and that they woud stay.  Hoenstly I am leaning to the moving option.  I love my daughter dearly, but I dont want to be unhappy here and resent my daughter or display unhappiness to her.  My fiance says he wont tell me what to do because he isnt going to ask me to give up my daughter, so its my choice.

What would you guys do?  Please give me advice or what you would do....and dont worry about giving me the wrong advice.  I think its good to get others perspectives.

If this is how you truly feel then you're only doing harm to your daughter by staying. It sounds to me that she is in a home where she is loved and wanted and shuttiling her back & forth across the Atlantic (presumably by herself) is going to be stressful and hard for her at this age.

Part of being a parent is being selfless. It sounds to me that you're unwilling or unable to do so. Perhaps you should sign a relinquishment of your rights to your daughter and go on with your life.

Some are not cut out to be parents. My birth mother was one of those people and it's a fact of life. Thankfully for me she realised it and gave me up for adoption at 2 months old and I grew up in a happy home (she never knew who my father was as she was one of those types too). However, I have 3 younger half siblings (all girls) that after she gave me up to be with their father that she walked out on them too...thankfully the youngest of them was the same age as your daughter is now and she barely remembers her. But the 2 older ones remember her coming & going for a while, being shuttled back & forth and the arguments between their parents...and then she left and signed over her rights.

My sisters say the best thing that ever happened to them is when she left, because all the drama, stress and fear left with her.

I don't envy your position, but you have to make the best decision not for yourself but for your daughter, it's not her fault that she was born and these things are happening. So why blame her for your unhappiness? If your happiness is truly somewhere else then that is where you need to go and let your daughter have the same chance at happiness with her father & his family.

Just my 2p.

Of course everyone's experience as different, but this is mine. My father chose something else over being my parent when I was quite young and although we've repaired the relationship to some extent I will never, never consider him a true father. If you want to be part of her life in the future, stay and fight. If you leave then don't be surprised if she doesn't want a mother-daughter relationship with you when she's older. I know it sounds harsh, but it's definitely something you should take into consideration.

hi.

I'm so sorry you are in this position, especially as you thought that you'd had everything settled with regards to visitation. We don't know your entire story, so any suggestions or judgments are made on what limited information we do have. 

I don't have kids yet, pregnant with my first at the moment, but I really feel for you and the extremely unfortunate situation your ex husband has put you in. Your fiance is right, this is a decision only you can make.

A couple of good points have been made.  Since your fiance's finances and accommodation will be used for your visa, can those be used as proof of support for custody? Obviously, your daughter would not be making the trip along as there are airline restrictions regarding how old kids need to be for unaccompanied international travel, if your ex is concerned that she would be doing the trips alone, can this information be gathered to reassure him? Do you have family near your ex who you could take a long visit with and see your daughter then if you do move.

I'd look for lawyers, both one in the states and one in the UK that specializes in international custody disputes. They will be the best people to offer suggestions as to how to progress and how any actions you take may be viewed by the courts. And unfortunately this will most like have to go to the courts.  They may see this as you moving to be able to provide better for your daughter and not count that against you, but that is something only the experts will be able to tell you.

I would ask your ex one thing, as it sounds like he is limiting your access even now, if you did plan to stay, would he allow you more or will he put further restrictions on you visiting your daughter? if he will continue to make it difficult to see her, how will you being in england make any difference to how often you are allowed visitation. If that makes sense.
 
I'm assuming you haven't applied for your visa yet, so I'd definitely seek some expert legal advice before you decide. 

Good luck.

Thank you all for your imput. 

To answer some questions - I dont need to get a visa as I am a dual citizen.  I was pleased and satisfied with the visitation schedule of 3 months in the summer and 2 weeks at xmas (as it turns out that is more time than i would get her for here in the usa).  So I have pleaded with him and sent his lawyer my requests.  I am guessing that they will most likely not accept my exact terms.  My fiance misled me and told me that he was agreeing to them and now it going back on his word.  If he doesnt accept and I dont like what they counter then yes I will take it to the court and fight for my original idea of 3 months summer 2 weeks xmas.  I dont want to leave the usa till that is settled.

As I am not married yet, I would need my own proof of support...so my own job and my name on the lease. 

If I stay in the USA, then no I will still get the same amount of time im getting now...4 days a month.

I know that most people will say if its a choice between my daughter and my fiance...stay with my daughter, but I am hoping I get the visitation schedule.  Then  I will still be in her life....as much as I would be in the states.

I want visitation.

You might want to get a second opinion from a different lawyer about your legal rights.  I know that in Virginia (and keep in mind that every state has their own laws), child custody is a completely separate issue from child support.  Therefore, you are entitled to visitation regardless of whether you have a job or pay child support.  So the fact that your ex wants to see that you can support the daughter could be completely irrelevant to your visitation rights as a mother.  I'm sure a judge would want some kind of proof that you would be able to feed, cloth, etc. the child while she was in your care...but that doesn't mean you have to have a job.  Many people have visitation of their children and are supported by a boyfriend, parent, etc.  But like I said, every state has different laws...I'd just make sure you are double-checking what your legal rights are and not relying on what HIS lawyer is telling you, as lawyers have been known to lie to people (especially about the law) in order to coherce them into agreeing with what their client wants. 

I find it strange that the father is making so many controlling demands when you have JOINT physical and legal custody of the child.  This means that all decisions for the well-being of the child are supposed to be made jointly, not dictated by the parent she resides with.

Really regardless of what you decide, I think you will be in the US for quite awhile to get all the loose ends tied up.  

I think that its more reasonable for you to fly over and visit her than for her to fly over and visit you.  Two and a half years old is way too young to be flying solo. She would need someone to take her over and then pick her back up again.

I think you need to get something in writing from the court giving you a more liberal visitation schedule though based on when you are able to fly over and visit her. 

Steph

I'd delay your move until you get this ironed out legally.  Realistically I'd be prepared that it may end up a long hard fight to get what you deserve (time with your daughter) and may involve you coming to her rather than her coming to you.  At least with the amount of holiday that is statutory in the UK you'd have the time off.

Hope you get things sorted. Really seems like you need legal advice. Best of luck.

my wife is in the UK and I'm on my way over there on a spouse visa. She has two kids from a previous marriage which their father has custody but she gets open visitation. Although she isn't working right now (she's pregnant) and I've been at my job for a while, we agreed for me to save up what I could and move over there, so she wouldn't have to be away from her children.

If it's at all plausible, maybe that sort of thing could be a workable alternative for you, if he could come to the US to you instead.