I am SO upset...meeting the ex's new love when kids are involved.

I am extremely upset.  My life is an emotional rollercoaster of drama. 

So I have a daughter with my ex husband.  He has always been good even through the divorce, but now he has a gf.  Fine.  Now he is moving in with this gf...thus moving my daughter into her home.  Umm..ok.  Not thrilled with the idea, but life must go on.

In my opinion, since MY daughter is living in her house, and being raised by her most of the time, I should get to meet her and she what she is like.  I told my ex that, and he said he didnt think it was best. 

Today he and his gf were picking my daughter up, so I decided to walk out to car and simply say hi and introduce myself.  Simple, easy.  No.  I walked up to the car expecting her to look up and roll the window down.  No.  She doesnt look up and sits there playing on her iphone.  I gently knock on the window thinking...she doesnt notice me. She looks up for such a fast second I cant even she her face, then continues looking down and away from the window.

My ex races over and says "she doesnt want to meet you"..."I told her there wouldnt be any introductions today"..."go back inside".  I stand there, then my daughter screams to not leave me, and cries.  My ex is loading her into the car and she is still crying for momma, and he simply says "stop" in a stern voice....does the gf turn around and say hi to my daughter?  No.  I told my ex I have to meet her sometime. 

Im so pissed.  Is it me or this childish, rude and not good.

It doesn't sound like very mature behaviour.  Perhaps you could try talking to your ex again and suggest a meeting  between yourself, him and his gf when your daughter is not present. That way you can discuss any concerns you might have about the whole setup without your daughter having to get upset.

I would not have knocked on the car window.

I think you have every right to meet her, and in fact I would wonder why your ex-husband doesn't want you to. 

I think you have every right to meet her, but if the exHB has said "No - and by the sounds of it " I told her no introductions TODAY" " then it was unfair of you to force the issue especially in front of your daughter.

Basically your ex had told you "no", if you didn't agree with this (and I think you have a right to not agree with this) then it should have been argued out with him where your daughter couldn't overhear. Making the handover between you and your exHB more traumatic that it already is doesn't seem like the best thing to do for your daughter at all.

You have no idea what happens when the car pulls away, some people are not used to drama and freeze up when it happens, your daughter would be likely to push the gf away if she's screaming for Mommy, and maybe she didn't want to rub your face in it but comforts her later when the car pulls away.

Even if it's hurting you, your job is to make everything seem okay in front of your daughter, you should fight these battles where she can't see you fighting them.

Hope it works out!

Perhaps you could try talking to your ex again and suggest a meeting  between yourself, him and his gf when your daughter is not present. That way you can discuss any concerns you might have about the whole setup without your daughter having to get upset.

This.

You can think about in advance what issues you need to discuss and how to frame them in a neutral way. I would suggest a neutral setting to arrange the meeting.

I agree with CB an exchange is not the time or the place for such things to occur. People are emotional to begin with and your attempt to have your way when you were told that it wasn't the right time was out of line.

I do agree at some point you should be able to meet her but may you have to accept that she may not want to have anything to do with you...but trying to force the issue the way you did was wrong.

Perhaps maybe you should suggest that you meet in a public place over lunch or coffee with your ex present as well...and have someone else watch your child. She should not be present to witness anything that the adults need to discuss.

If an ex of my husband came over and knocked on my window I wouldn't open it.

She really has no idea of who you are and for all she knows you might have started something there in the parking lot.  It isn't really an equal position like sitting across from someone at a restaurant. 

A lot of people put in the divorce agreement/custody papers that you are not allowed to have people of the opposite sex staying over (because it can cause a lot of confusion for the child).  I'm assuming you don't have anything like that written in your agreements or else you could challenge the moving in together in court.

I agree with the others that during an exchange is a bad time to meet...it's just ackward and uncomfortable for everyone involved to begin with and you are then projecting all that tension onto the child.  Planning a separate meeting (without your daughter) would be the best idea. 

I agree that you do have a right to meet the woman but honestly, how much can you tell about a person from talking to them for 15 minutes?  Not trying to sound negative but anyone can act for a few minutes...doesn't give necessarily give you a true representation of the person.

Your ex sounds really controlling when it comes to your daughter anyway and it doesn't sound like he's going to give in for you to meet his new gf.  So possibly consult with a lawyer and see if you have any rights as far as your daughter living with another woman that you've never even met.  It's worth a try if it's that important to you.

I think it was at best tactless for the father to bring his new woman along to the exchange. But I don't think striding over and tapping on the car window was a good idea either.

I agree that forcing the issue in front of your daughter was not the best idea. But what's done is done.

How long has your ex been seeing the new gf? How old is your daugher? The prevailing advice is that young children should not be introduced to new partners until there is certainty of a long term relationship. If your ex hasn't been with the new gf very long and is already moving in with her, I'd be concerned. Given your own impending move, that spells a lot of change for your daughter.

You need to talk to your lawyer. She will also probably tell you, or they will do it themselves, run the gf's name through the state's database of court cases to see if she pops up for anything other than traffic violations. I believe each state is required to have this free, viewable by the public, web site with this information on it. I was told by my lawyer to use this site as well as the pedophile site. Sadly, that's standard stuff to have to think about these days.

Normally, you do have some grounds for controlling how much this new woman is in your daughter's life, but given your previous posts about custody and visitation, and your intent to move so soon, you definitely need legal advice if you plan on doing anything about it.

I think it was at best tactless for the father to bring his new woman along to the exchange. But I don't think striding over and tapping on the car window was a good idea either.

I pretty much agree with this.

I think he set up a potential situation there, but I think you also exacerbated it by approaching her when he said that he didn't want you to meet her right now. If I were you, I would contact him and say that you thought he might have changed his mind about meeting her since he brought her along, and you are sorry to have caused an awkward situation. And then once that has blown over, then suggest meeting her again properly. As for her actions, that could have been a number of things - she may be very shy, she may have had a bad experience with a crazy ex-girlfriend in the past or something, or maybe your ex told her not to speak to you if you approached the car. You just never know. I wouldn't make any assumptions about her based on what happened.

Has your ex-husband met your English fiance?  If not, it's not fair of you to be all bunchy about his new gf.  He's moved on with his life and you've moved on with yours.  If he hasn't met your fiance, who you are moving 5000 miles to be with and want to have visitation with your daughter while at his house, you have no right to force anything with your ex's new gf.
Knocking on the window was over the line, IMO. 

[mod hat on]

OK folks. Custody, visitation, new partners and all that are very stressful and difficult things to deal with. Everyone is going to have an opinion but I think the OP now has a sense of what the prevailing opinion is here so let's leave it at that. It's very easy to say 'I wouldn't have done that.' But the day you are in those same shoes, you never know what might happen. I speak from experience.

So, if you don't have anything new to say, please don't post or I will lock the thread.

Thank you.

Yes my ex has met my fiance several times.  I think its unrealistic of my ex's new partner to think she will never meet the mother of the little girl she is living with.  

I also did not make a scene in front of my daughter, I would never do that.  I didnt even say anything when the gf didnt look up at me...I simply walked away.  It was my ex who ran up making a fuss.  He is very controlling, and this is another way for him to dictate what happens.  

After this ackward situation I did apologize for making her uncomfortable, and that if she prefers we can meet in a neutral place sometime in the future without my daughter around and just meet each other, or speak over the phone...whatever makes her more comfortable, but my ex says no.  He says at this point I will never meet her..which to me is ridiculous.

Anyways he in addition to this development is being ridiculous about parenting time etc..so a lawyer battle lies ahead.