Phone Etiquette

Most of my American family and friends do NOT text or if they do, it's rarely. Usually it's to send a picture they've just taken with the phone camera.

There isn't going to be any real agreement here about which country does it more or less. But I get that the UK phone plans make texting cheaper. Doesn't mean I have to like it. But then again, I dislike much about the whole mobile/cell phone culture anyway. Getting into an argument with your SO via text is just stupid - I don't care how cheap it is. But I accept that's my opinion. And if you need to make a call and you're at the pub or the dinner table, you excuse yourself from the table and make a call.

Another reason I dislike texting - we're raising a generation of kids and teens who can't spell or use appropriate grammar. And we're also raising a generation of kids who are used to seeing their parents glued to their d*mn phone and paying more attention to that than their kids. I see that here and in the UK. In the US, IMO, it's people checking their emails via phone. In the UK it's the endless texting.

So yeah, in the grand scheme of things, I *would* rather hear someone making their dinner plans on the phone and overhear a few phone conversations than see everyone head bent over their phones madly texting/checking emails all the time.

But hey, progress marches on I guess.

On that note, I'm going to un-glue myself from this laptop and go spend time with my kids!

My doctor's office texts me simple things like appointment reminders. It's actually pretty nice rather than having them call because then it's on my phone and I don't have to scramble to find a pen and paper to write it down.

They also notify people about medical testing via text if no further treatment is needed. For example, if you have a simple STD test and your results come back negative, then you get a text telling you your results were negative; if you test positive, a doctor calls to discuss treatment. I think it's quite sensible and efficient of them.

Of course, I also fall under the category of having free texting. I have to pay to access my voicemail, so I always prefer receiving a text for a short message since I'm often unable to answer my phone.

Another reason I dislike texting - we're raising a generation of kids and teens who can't spell or use appropriate grammar. And we're also raising a generation of kids who are used to seeing their parents glued to their d*mn phone and paying more attention to that than their kids. I see that here and in the UK. In the US, IMO, it's people checking their emails via phone. In the UK it's the endless texting.

Actually, the studies that have been done are unclear on the spelling thing: one linguist just wrote a book on it; there's a review here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2008/jul/05/saturdayreviewsfeatres.guardianreview

But, I agree with you on the divided attention of the parents! As a teacher, I had a parent come to a parent teacher meeting and spend her entire time on her blackberry. I had to, at one point, ask her to turn it off as we went over her son's school plan (he had some recognized disabilities that he was struggling with). Sheesh.

I text rather than call, but it's a combination of social anxiety (I HATE calling people; I feel I'm interrupting and rushing and get quite nervous) and the fact that most of the people I ring are either in a lab and can't pick up (husband) or busy at work (friends) or in a different time zone! So, the calling doesn't always work. But I would also rather have a call if someone is unable to attend something and certainly if I was being broken up with! 

Another reason I dislike texting - we're raising a generation of kids and teens who can't spell or use appropriate grammar. And we're also raising a generation of kids who are used to seeing their parents glued to their d*mn phone and paying more attention to that than their kids. I see that here and in the UK.

In my opinion, the first bit is just lazy parenting/teaching. I taught middle school English for three years. (Long story why I didn't stay in the profession, but I loved teaching English...) I had my students write a starter paper on the second day of school just to see where they were. Sure enough, I found several students had written text-speech words like "ur" and "lol," etc. We had a discussion about what's appropriate for text/emails, and what is appropriate for professional writing. And then I made it clear to them that if they turned in a paper that included even just ONE text/email-style word, they would be required to handwrite the entire paper again. I think maybe one or two students had a slip and had to rewrite. The rest got the point: use writing appropriate to your situation/audience.

And as for the second bit, there have been poor excuses for parents who have neglected their children in various ways since people existed. The phone is just another avenue for neglect. That's a parenting issue, not a technology issue.

It *is* IMO, a technology issue as well as a parenting issue. At one point in history, printing was the 'new technology' but I'd sure as heck rather my kids (and myself for that matter) be engrossed in books than phones. The issue with phones is the portability of them and the 'instant access' culture that so many people just can't seem to let go.

I agree there are certainly other poor excuses for neglecting kids, but it sure does seem to me that a LOT more people are 'neglecting' their kids because they are on the phone.  But I admit that's just based on personal observation rather than hard evidence.

In my opinion, the first bit is just lazy parenting/teaching. I taught middle school English fWe had a discussion about what's appropriate for text/emails, and what is appropriate for professional writing. And then I made it clear to them that if they turned in a paper that included even just ONE text/email-style word, they would be required to handwrite the entire paper again. I think maybe one or two students had a slip and had to rewrite. The rest got the point: use writing appropriate to your situation/audience.

Yes. When speaking, you wouldn't use the same language talking to your friends at the pub that you would use at a job interview.

So why would you expect someone to use the same grammar and spelling in a text message that they would in a business letter or a research paper?

And as for the second bit, there have been poor excuses for parents who have neglected their children in various ways since people existed. The phone is just another avenue for neglect. That's a parenting issue, not a technology issue.

I agree.

It *is* IMO, a technology issue as well as a parenting issue. At one point in history, printing was the 'new technology' but I'd sure as heck rather my kids (and myself for that matter) be engrossed in books than phones. The issue with phones is the portability of them and the 'instant access' culture that so many people just can't seem to let go.

I'm sure I'll come under fire for this, but I could draw the same conclusions about guns. But guns don't kill people, people kill people.

And, well, as you said, it's the "instant access" culture that SOME PEOPLE just can't seem to let go of. Yet plenty of people own cell phones, text, check emails, and don't do those things at the expense of their children.

I'll agree to disagree with you on this one.

It *is* IMO, a technology issue as well as a parenting issue. At one point in history, printing was the 'new technology' but I'd sure as heck rather my kids (and myself for that matter) be engrossed in books than phones. The issue with phones is the portability of them and the 'instant access' culture that so many people just can't seem to let go.

I think I'm about to go quite a bit off topic, so excuse me for that!

I just spent a day at a seminar with book publishers discussing how they were reacting to technological advancements. Literature and learning material is already accessible on most phones - obviously it's not the easiest thing to look for long at unless you have the new iPhone 4, but that's beside the point. Publishers are working to make books as easy to access as possible from any type of device. People are still reading, but they're doing it in different ways. The good thing is that a lot of stuff, particularly classic literature, is free online. I'm sure you'll find lots of younger people will happily read on their computers and phones, although there are a lot who still prefer a printed book as well.

That being said, most people I know in the publishing industry aren't particularly thrilled with all the digital stuff they have to do now and would be much happier if the iPad and Kindle never existed!

I think I'm about to go quite a bit off topic, so excuse me for that!

I just spent a day at a seminar with book publishers discussing how they were reacting to technological advancements. Literature and learning material is already accessible on most phones - obviously it's not the easiest thing to look for long at unless you have the new iPhone 4, but that's beside the point. Publishers are working to make books as easy to access as possible from any type of device. People are still reading, but they're doing it in different ways. The good thing is that a lot of stuff, particularly classic literature, is free online. I'm sure you'll find lots of younger people will happily read on their computers and phones, although there are a lot who still prefer a printed book as well.

That being said, most people I know in the publishing industry aren't particularly thrilled with all the digital stuff they have to do now and would be much happier if the iPad and Kindle never existed!

I'll join you in a semi off-topic jaunt!

Oh yes, I agree that they are doing all they can to adapt to the new technology. As a historian, though, I personally recognize that we are losing a lot as a result of our reliance on electronic data.

Here's just a basic example... do you like biographies? And it doesn't matter if it's a book biography or a tv show. In order to create those, someone had to do the research. Up until the last 20 years or so, people left a lot more written records of their lives... personal letters, notes, even the everyday ephemera from the day to day grind at the office. Now, for better or worse (and I certainly accept there is an environmental issue here, too), many places and people have taken it all to the computer.

The worst case scenario in this is that we could well have artists, musicians, etc that we know little about aside from their published creations because all their personal eletronic data disappeared.

Not that I expect anyone to write about me, but maybe that's why I have such a hard time deleting emails from my inbox!

No written records?

Type the name of any famous person (historical or present-day) into Google and see how many times their name comes up in a search.

Yes, a lot of it may be misinformation, but part of research is figuring out which info is good and which is bad.

And there are plenty of databases (such as 192.com) where you can find out about ordinary people, usually for a small fee.

In fact, one of the complaints that people often make is that there is too much personal information available on the internet - that the right to privacy is being violated.

There are also genealogy sites.

And many people do leave personal records about themselves - they are called blogs.

Do you really think that all of this information - which is housed on different servers all over the world - which people originally type on individual computers all over the world - which people download for their own personal use on computers all over the world - can be easily wiped out?

It would be easier to burn down all the libraries.

No written records?

Type the name of any famous person (historical or present-day) into Google and see how many times their name comes up in a search.

Yes, a lot of it may be misinformation, but part of research is figuring out which info is good and which is bad.

And there are plenty of databases (such as 192.com) where you can find out about ordinary people, usually for a small fee.

In fact, one of the complaints that people often make is that there is too much personal information available on the internet - that the right to privacy is being violated.

There are also genealogy sites.

And many people do leave personal records about themselves - they are called blogs.

Do you really think that all of this information - which is housed on different servers all over the world - which people originally type on individual computers all over the world - which people download for their own personal use on computers all over the world - can be easily wiped out?

It would be easier to burn down all the libraries.

Thanks, but I think I know what a blog is.

Yes, I'm sure that any email I delete or journal I keep *might* be stored on some server somewhere. But by the time people actually get around to researching someone, it very well *could* be gone. The jury is out on that due to the very privacy issues you mention in which legislation is changing all the time and people are becoming more proactive about being private. Many times the people you want to research are dead before you can research them and no one knew to keep hold of their records. Sure it happened with the written word, but IMHO, it's more likely to happen with computers. I hope I'm wrong, but we'll just have to see. Certainly enough people on this site have come on and complained when their computer crashed or their iPhone self-destructed and they can't retreive their data.

Oh yes, I agree that they are doing all they can to adapt to the new technology. As a historian, though, I personally recognize that we are losing a lot as a result of our reliance on electronic data.

Here's just a basic example... do you like biographies? And it doesn't matter if it's a book biography or a tv show. In order to create those, someone had to do the research. Up until the last 20 years or so, people left a lot more written records of their lives... personal letters, notes, even the everyday ephemera from the day to day grind at the office. Now, for better or worse (and I certainly accept there is an environmental issue here, too), many places and people have taken it all to the computer.

The worst case scenario in this is that we could well have artists, musicians, etc that we know little about aside from their published creations because all their personal eletronic data disappeared.

Not that I expect anyone to write about me, but maybe that's why I have such a hard time deleting emails from my inbox!

Research is definitely different now than it used to be, and I know what you mean about fewer physical documents being produced. One positive thing to consider is that digital documents can last forever (provided a program is still around to open them), which is why libraries are going crazy digitising everything these days. So perhaps less will be lost, but it does result in an information overload.

And even if people were to put all of their computer files into the recycle bin and empty it or even reformat their hard drive, some of that data can still exist on the hard drive and can be exhumed by particularly tech-savvy people. The only way to really lose it all is to take a hammer to the hard drive and hope it can't be welded back together.  

Perhaps in the future we'll be 'digging' through hard drives rather than boxes in attics. Still, the actual artifacts rather than computer files are far more exciting to find.

5. If a simple text to tell your spouse escalates into a "war" for your friends in the US because of what is "implied" then I would honestly suggest contacting Relate to discuss trust issues in their relationship.  How is this preferable to a UK spouse sending a text to say their going to be late not being a big deal? Surely the latter is preferable to the former?! This makes absolutely zero sense to me.  A text implies trust in a relationship in this manner. It can be sent from anywhere, it is not a discussion it is information. It is one loving partner telling another that they will be home later and not to worry. A call in this situation is an untrusted partner checking in with their prison guard to ask permission to stay out later.    

Well folks...I'm glad that this topic is taking a turn.  I got alot out of it and it has been informative.  All but being told I live in the dark ages and the above mentioned blahty-blah I've taken to heart and learned a great deal.  Suggesting that my wife is a prison guard is just abolutely out of line.  If I were in any situation....ANY!!!!  And I was not going to be where I said...I would call that person out of respect.  Why?  Because no matter what either society has deemed as "socially acceptable.  It is the right thing to do.  PERIOD!  It is also what somebody does who has principles that reach far and beyond what everybody else 'may or may not' do.

And when it concerns my (British) wife the bar even jumps higher.  Apparently, you are concluding in your own words and your zero senslessness that this is nothing more to be characterized than simply just "information."  My wife and my friends stand for so much more that just that.  This isn't about the message itself or the utterly stupid excuse of wasting 20P a minute on a phone call.  This is about having enough respect and decency to pick up the phone and inject just a shred of humanity instead of a lazy robotic message in broken English.

As for my American friends and there significant others?  The war would ensue I would think because of just the notion of their partners feeling like just that - unrespected information.  If you don't have the balls to politely exit a social situation and make a private 2 minute call as oppose to slighly texting underneath a table around a group of friends - then who really has the deeper issue?  If I were to see you doing that in a public place?  I wouldn't help but to think that you cared more about yer stupid technology than you do about socially interacting like a human being.

As for my friend that got into the blip skuffle?  His exact words later that evening knowing he was going to hafta go back home to the doghouse....were verbatim.  "I shoulda just called her to begin with."

Cheers!  And bring back the carrier pigeon

1. It would be rude to call at the table, so in order not to ruin atmosphere and leave people seated alone, a 10 second text could be sent instead.
1a. If people did in fact call at the table, or in the group then everyone could hear their conversation, this is a double whammy of rude and uncomfortable for those who could overhear.

To be fair, I don't really know anyone that would take a call at a table anyway.  I think we've gotten to the point in cellphone/mobile phone etiquette where it's socially unacceptable to be yammering away on your phone in a restaurant.  Most people will go outside or silence their phones.  Most people would also understand if someone needed to excuse themselves from the table to make a call and wouldn't be offended or lonely at the table.

I also think it's pretty rude for someone to sit there and text at the table, at least if it's an ongoing thing.  One quick message is fine, but that's not always the case and then you're sitting there in silence while the person across from you ignores you while they text.

Sorry, MD, but I don't feel texts are disrespectful.  I don't mind sending them and I don't mind receiving them.  As others have pointed out, it's much less invasive to text than to call.  Perhaps your friend should have gauged the situation with his wife better, but if my husband texts me to tell me he'll be home late, I don't mind in the slightest.  I don't get angry or suspicious or feel he's not respecting me.  I get three hundred minutes on my monthly plan, so calling and texting cost the same, but I would still choose to text nine times out of ten.  If it's a complex situation or if there's a disagreement then I will call, but just to say I'm late or relay simple info I would text.  I don't think that text/phone preference is a British thing or an American one or has anything to do with nationality or age or what have you, it's just personal preference and the evolution of culture along with technology. 

I don't use textspeak, though.  I type the entire word, including correct punctuation.  But that's just me