How do I tell my family?

Thanks everyone for your encouragement in my last post.    I love that there's this whole community here that's "been there."  My college roommate actually went through a very similar situation with her British husband (they live in the US--met during her semester abroad in London) so between all of you and her, I feel like this is do-able. 

So my bf has gone back home and now I'm back to my boring, boring life.  I'm "between jobs" at the moment, and am feeling sort of lost.   The visit was great--just the right amount of doing things and not doing things and he met nearly all my family and everyone seemed to like him.  We had some big talks and have solidified our plan--married in January, hopefully, with me moving over as soon as the visa comes through (whenever that is, given the new no-expediter rules). 

Now I have to figure out how/when to tell my parents/grandparents/etc (who I'm very close to) that this long distance boyfriend is hopefully going to become my husband this winter.  I'm not planning on having a "wedding" (it's never something I wanted and it's definitely something I don't want to spend money on) and he's not going to propose or buy me an engagement ring (also, just not me--I wear almost no jewelry and hate diamonds on multiple levels).  I want to go to city hall in Manhattan and get married.  Whoever would like to come and wait on line with us (up to 30 people) is welcome to come.  We'll buy them a round at a pub afterward.  Also, we feel weird about making a huge deal about this--by the time we'll get married, we'll have been dating for only a year and feel like we're jumping the gun a bit for visa reasons.  Getting married isn't something I necessarily pictured myself doing, ever, much less at 26 after only having dated the guy for a year. 

But I digress.  We are jumping the gun but for good reasons.  I don't yet have a career started here and at the moment I'm living with my parents (I plan to move out for awhile in between, providing I can find a job, but into a sublet in New York, not a real grown-up apartment).  We both feel confident enough in our relationship to take this step since it's really the only way to give our relationship a fair shot, in the same country.  I don't want to work hard to establish a life for myself here, in New York, and then in another year or two decide that I want to move and have to uproot that.  It just seems easier to make one fresh start.  Not to mention long distance relationships are expensive!  I don't have to justify my decisions to you all, though, do I?  You've been there.  And I apologize that this is turning into a novel here. 

My family has definitely been worried about my lack of direction in life lately (I was always very academically talented and then sometime in the second half of college lost my way a bit/got burned out/lost my sense of ambition).  It's not that I'm expected to become a doctor or lawyer or banker and rake in the big bucks because I'm not.  But they want to see me make up my mind and be happy doing something besides waiting tables for the rest of my life.  Fair enough.  So do I.  I just don't really know what that is.  I'm worried, though, that they'll see this marriage/move/fresh start as a way out of my problems.  Which it is, and isn't.  It's a fresh start, which is good and I'm hoping will help me gain some perspective.  But it's not me running away--I know that being married and moving across an ocean will bring its own share of challenges, etc and I don't expect it to be a quick fix.  At this point in my life, I don't have a lot to lose and it seems like a good chance to do something mildly crazy.  Pretty much all of my friends agree with me on this.  I'm just worried about my family's reactions.  They love me and will support me whatever I do; I have no doubt of that.  But how do I tell them?  In lieu of coming home with a ring one day (which isn't going to happen), how do I announce "I'm getting married!" especially when he probably can't be here with me to tell them?  (He's next coming at the end of September, for my cousin's wedding, and the last thing I want to do is rain on my cousin's parade.  And besides, I feel like I should mention something before that?) Previously, I was putting off mentioning anything until they met him and liked him.  That happened, next challenge?  Any ideas how to handle this non-traditional announcement?  Thanks everyone. 

Hi...i totally understand what you going trought because I'm in the same situation...sort of...  in my opinion, and I'm not trying to be negative..but ill just wait til the moment comes.... if you are planing on getting married at the end of the year, just save it for when the time comes, specially if its going to be like "no big of a deal" kind of thing...and like i said...I'm not trying in any way to be negative, I'm in the same situation and is hard enough to be in such complicated relationship, but it can be very hard to understand for the outsiders... my mom just cant get used to the idea I'm totally in love with someone i can only be with every 4 months, so in my personal case, if we ever get married, and is something want to do,  i will just wait until that moment comes and not before or i will have to live for months with my their non ending questions.... yes, i think you should talk about it with your family, so they know it might happen, but as something that might happen...well its just my opinion...i know how hard it is.... .. and i believe that what is meant to happen will happen ..... Good Luck !!!!

Yea...I keep hoping someone will come out and ask...or at least ask what our long term plans are.  At this point, I feel a little like I'm keeping something from them deliberately, especially since all my friends know about our plans. 

hiya, I've been in you situation. My now husband and I had been together for less than a year and only actually been in the same country twice before we decided to get married, though I really do think the decision was made long before we met in person. we did the ring thing, not really because it was important to us, but because it was a symbol to my family. I ended up with a diamond, but not an 'engagement' ring,, just a pretty one.

And as soon as we got back from our trip we called my family. They knew well in advance what our plans were and over all were supportive. My parents especially, knowing I had no money they bought my ticket for us. They didn't necessarily understand it, but were really supportive. one sister on the other hand was not supportive, but I think that has less to do with what I was doing and more to do with her own issues. My other sister didn't get it, but again was supportive.

I can't say how your family will react, but I say don't wait to tell them if you are close to them, and when you do tell them, be honest and say that this is the right thing for you to do and while you will be away, you will still be there.

Btw, my move has been the best choice I ever made. I'm happy, secure, and with my love.

good luck.

aimless...congratulations to you and your boyfriend. The only advice I have for you both is to make sure that marriage is really what you want. You had mentioned all the reasons you don't want to have a wedding you never really wanted to get married but you are mostly for the issue of the visa. I just want you to make sure that this is really what you want. Dating a british man and having him visit you and you visit him is like a honeymoon romance...you always get together and do fun things and go places and make use of the limited time you have. Once you are married and settled in the country things will change..life will become normal and everyday and there is the stress of settling in. I am not saying any of this to discourage you..I just want you to think about it. I have been through all of this and have gotten married last August...and even though this is the life I wanted there were some settlement issues. But these are natural to everyone who goes thru this. But as long as in your heart of hearts this is what you want and you love him with your whole heart then I say go for it...and it will be an amazing journey..your family my be upset at first because they don't want to lose you..but when they finally realize this is what you want and how happy you are they will be happy for you. Nothing about long distance relationships are ever easy..but I think they last longer because of all the little things we all go through...So good luck and I hope your family joins in your happiness...Congratulations again!!

Aimless, I am sorry you are having such a hard time with family, when this is also a happy occasion. 

The only thing I can offer in terms of perspective is that you will never make everyone happy and you are the only one that can live your life.   

You have lots of time to 'figure out' your life. Heck, I think I never will!   

I'd discuss with your partner an agreed strategy to deal with this. Hope you figure out something that works for you. 

Congratulations and best of luck! 

aimless...congratulations to you and your boyfriend. The only advice I have for you both is to make sure that marriage is really what you want. You had mentioned all the reasons you don't want to have a wedding you never really wanted to get married but you are mostly for the issue of the visa. I just want you to make sure that this is really what you want. Dating a british man and having him visit you and you visit him is like a honeymoon romance...you always get together and do fun things and go places and make use of the limited time you have. Once you are married and settled in the country things will change..life will become normal and everyday and there is the stress of settling in.

This. I read your post thinking "wait, why is this girl rushing to get married?" Not that I don't understand the immigration reasons, of course, but your post was all about why you didn't want a wedding/marriage, but that you need one anyway to "give the relationship a fair shot" and "start your life".

Don't get me wrong, that's totally fine if that's what you plan to do. That said, a marriage is more than just giving a relationship "a shot", especially when your immigration status depends on the marriage lasting. Hypothetically, what happens if you get married in January, move in the spring, and by next January realize that you're both tired of the relationship? By then you'll have been in the UK for 8+ months, presumably be settled into a job/life/etc, but your reason for staying (the relationship) won't be there so you wouldn't be able to stay.

I'm not saying this will happen, but there are threads by people whose relationships have fallen apart (for whatever reason) and it's even more harrowing than a normal breakup with the immigration issues involved as well.

Have you visited him? Given that you don't have a career in the US, could you spend a few months (up to 6, really) visiting him? If you're planning on moving and (theoretically) spending the rest of your life with this person, an extended visit might be a good idea.

I don't want to rain on your parade, and I'm probably the last person who should talk anyway since I didn't go through the LDR/visa thing myself, but I couldn't help being concerned when I read your post.

I can understand where the OP is coming from.

I'm a bit older (31) but in a very similar situation.  I've known my bf for about 2 1/2 years, and we've been together for 1 1/2 years.  We've spent hours on IM or video chats for nearly every day since we met, and have had 3 visits of about 6 weeks, cumulatively. 

In the 'normal' course of events, if we lived in the same country, we'd have moved in together a while ago.  And that would probably have been it.  I'm not really into the whole Bridezilla thing, and he's somewhat ideologically opposed to marriage, so we'd have been perfectly happy spending the next 50 years in an unofficial union. 

But this isn't the usual relationship, and we don't have that option.  If we want to be together permanently, we have almost no option other than to marry.  We've decided to go ahead and tie the proverbial knot when he visits in November.

Are we rushing things?  Sometimes it feels that way.  I know I'd be less nervous if we'd had the chance to live together (or even in the same postcode) for a while.  But some things in life require a leap of faith, and that's what this is. 

Will it work out?  I certainly hope so, and I'm 97% certain we'll live happily ever after.  I know that the process of adjusting to life abroad might put additional strain on our relationship.  I also realize that, if it doesn't, the immigration issues will complicate things.

But on the other hand, I know that spending another year, or another 5 years, doing the long-distance thing isn't going to change any of that.  It isn't going to magically make us more compatible, or let us know each other any better than we already do.  All it does is waste time that we could be spending together.  And we're just not willing to waste more time.

Realistically, when you're in this international-relationship situation, marriage is, ultimately, the only way to give the relationship a shot.  It's not necessarily fair, and it does make things harder, but it's reality.

So, that said, I've had similar concerns about dealing with my family.  Basically, I've been saying for a while that 'someday' I planned to move there to live with him.  I just said that the timeline was undetermined, because of the immigration issue.  When we finally decided to go ahead with this, I wasn't sure how/when to tell my family.

My boyfriend and I aren't doing things quite as non-traditionally.  I'm getting a ring (silver & CZ - I also abhor diamonds), so there will be an 'official' engagement.  But beyond that, our plans are still very uncertain.  I thought about waiting until we had all the details ironed out before springing this on our families, but it would have left very short notice, and there were some practical considerations.  Also, I was too excited.

The problem has been that, the more family members we've told, the more complicated it's gotten.  We want something very small and very low-key, but other people jump in with their own expectations about the event (my sister's best friend wants to come, his mother wants to buy a hat, etc.), and so it's getting messier.  I know it'll all work out, though possibly not without stepping on a few toes.  Luckily, we're ok with that.

If I had it to do over again, I think I'd wait until we knew exactly what/how we were going to do things.  However, I do think I'd tell them before we actually got married.  When I told my dad we were going to do this, he asked 'How come?'  And then ranted to my sister about all his children abandoning him.  I don't even want to think about his reaction if we'd just shown up already married!  Especially as it'll be during deer season.  There might have been a tragic hunting accident.

I agree with the others about being concerned with your tone towards the marriage.  I know the question was how do you tell your family but have you considered an extended visit or applying for a fiance visa instead?  If you are 100% sure you want to get married (for the right reasons, and not just for a spouse visa...because there are other ways for you to be together), then go for it.  But if you've never wanted to get married and you are rushing into it for immigration reasons, just wondering if you've considered all your options?  I've seen quite a few people from this forum change their mind (about the relationship) after living together for 6 months.  I'm happy in my marriage now but I wish I had known about the fiance visa option before we rushed off to get married and I could have had an opportunity to "try out" the relationship before making a life-long commitment.

Well said, woadgirl. Good luck!

And to the OP- as long as you are sure that you are doing this for the right reasons, then you just have to bite the bullet and tell them! They might be hurt or mad at first, but I imagine that this wouldn't be totally unexpected considering they already have met him.

Fortunately, even though my parents don't want me to move away, they are already putting in their 2 cents about my bf and getting married (we're not even engaged!) At least I know that will be one easy bandaid to pull off when the time comes!

I would highly recommend the fiance visa route. Thats what Im doing and it has been the best thing ever. We are in similar situations and I think it might be good for you. I would guess most people dont change their mind (and Im not going to) BUT its better safe than sorry. The last thing we want to do is rush into a marraige that wont work.

I have to say that I think a lot of people on this thread are making the mistake of equating the marriage with the relationship. 

Just because a person isn't crazy about the modern institution of marriage, doesn't mean they're not crazy about their partner, or about spending the rest of their life with that partner.  And on the flip side, I've known plenty of people who were obsessed with getting married, but turned out not to really care much about the person they married.

So, once again, marriage =/= relationship.

I think the point we are trying to make is that (regardless of how you feel about marriage - as an institution or otherwise) when the OP says

We both feel confident enough in our relationship to take this step since it's really the only way to give our relationship a fair shot, in the same country.   

it makes it sound like she is not aware that there ARE other ways to give the relationship a fair shot, in the same country, besides marriage.   

The important thing is just to make sure the OP is aware that she isn't forced to jump the gun and there are alternative ways to spend an extended amount of time giving her relationship a chance (in the same country) before making that kind of commitment. 

Going back to the original question of how to tell your family...going for an extended visit before getting married (which gives you a chance to get to know each other better, experience living together and experience the culture of the UK in order to make sure you are comfortable living here) would probably be a lot easier for them to accept.

Thanks everyone....I appreciate all  your input.    When I say that I never thought I'd get married I meant that I wasn't really in a rush to do it/have a big wedding.  I figured I'd live with a guy for awhile sooner or later, probably long term.  And if I got married it'd be ages down the line, or it'd be for some practical reason (like needing health insurance or something) (with a guy I was already living with).  Weddings, etc always seemed sort of unnecessarily expensive and too much trouble. But with BF, I don't have the option of shacking up, as everyone says on this forum.  I don't have a particularly romantic or traditional view of marriage, no.  But it is for the right reasons.  We want to be together, we're fairly sure that we want to be together for the rest of our lives but we don't think we can really know until we live in the same place.  And live, not visit.  If I visited for an extended period of time, I wouldn't be allowed to work or even volunteer and really, that's not really living.  

At the same time, I do see marriage as a partnership, and as being a team, etc and we have discussed how things are going to work--money and so forth--when I do move.  

The fiance visa isn't really a financially viable choice for us at this point and even though we'd have a small, civil wedding, my family would want to be there (and would be very hurt if they weren't) and his doesn't care.  We can't really afford for me to not even look for a job for 6ish months and pay another visa fee.  

Thing is, my grandmother is always extraordinarily supportive of me, and thinks none of her grandchildren can do no wrong.  My mom is also very supportive of me.  I know that if I got a great job in the UK and moved for that, they would be thrilled.  Sad that I was going and would miss me a lot for sure (and probably make sure I flew home 2 or 3 times a year) but happy.  My mom and my grandmother are really the only ones who matter when I say "my family."  I guess I was hoping for some suggestions about how/when to break it to them.  I don't really know how they'll react but I want to present it in the best light.  

Shrubbery--what are our other options for being together?  As far as I can see, they're getting married, going back to school in the UK (not going to happen) or moving to Australia/NZ for a year where neither of us have jobs or a place to live and then having to get married at the end to stay together.  

woadgirl--Thanks so much for your encouragement.  You're right, this is an unusual situation and there's not a lot to be done about it.  We just have to take the leap of faith sometimes and hope it all works out.  I don't really think that spending much more time long distance is really going to give much more clarity.  

equestriannerd--Yea, my immigration status is tied to the relationship but so what?  That's why I'd be in the UK in the first place.  If it falls apart and I know for sure that it's over, I go home.  I'm planning to always have an emergency fund in the US, in dollars, that's enough to get me home if need be (plus a US credit card).  If something happens after two years when I'd have permission to stay in the UK not tied to my relationship, then I might stay--or I might not.  And if something happens in the first two years, then I just leave my job, pack my things and go home and essentially, am in the same situation I'm in now.  

Thanks again, everyone.  You've given me things to think about, at least.

Just because a person isn't crazy about the modern institution of marriage, doesn't mean they're not crazy about their partner, or about spending the rest of their life with that partner.  And on the flip side, I've known plenty of people who were obsessed with getting married, but turned out not to really care much about the person they married.

Exactly, woadgirl.  I'm very blase about the institution of marriage--I think that it has its benefits but it's not the end all, be all, for me.  It's not a goal, in and of itself.  I'm not anti-marriage, I'm just not particularly concerned with it.  And I still consider myself a bit young for it.  (I have two good friends who are married---one married so her British husband could come here to live and the other because they figured they might as well, they'd been together a long time, lived together and it was better for taxes.  Neither of them had big weddings). 

Shrubbery--I understand where you're coming from but there aren't really any ways for us that are viable.  I was hoping to find out about some new Tier 5 possibilities for Americans but I haven't heard of any.  I qualify for BUNAC but I've done some preliminary research on paid internships and it seems like they are few and far between.  And he can't support me full stop for 6 months.