How do I tell my family?

OT, but aimlesstraveler, I know that you already said that you weren't looking at moving to the UK as an 'escape,' but while reading your post "back to my boring life... feeling a bit lost [between jobs]...lack of direction...fresh start...etc," I couldn't help but nitpick. Now, I do believe that you are realistic about moving but I just want to reinforce the fact that you mustn't put a pause on life due to a possible impending move to the UK and that you can't expect to find a 'direction in life' out of a move to the UK. A 'lost sense of ambition' may not necessarily be fixed by a change of surroundings.

I think it would be different if you were going through the economic route then I would probably be saying 'have a good time!' But this is marriage and settlement we're talking about. As historyenne said, 'just a job' is vastly different than moving somewhere to settle, possibly for the rest of your life. That bond between you and your partner is and needs to be the most important thing because that is what is going to keep you going through hard times in your new life. As Jewlz mentioned on another forum that she believed that deciding to marry someone should be the easiest decision in life. I deeply believe this too. I think you already said it yourself, "we are jumping the gun a bit." You can analyze the pros and cons in detail but at the end of the day, you will have to decide what it is you want to do.

Good luck.

Of course you should take all advice with a grain of salt since there's no way we can know all of your circumstances but I'd highly recommend holding off the announcement until after he next visits. That allows the two of you some planning time and in fact it might be incredibly helpful to use your time together later in the year to do something like make up engagement announcements that both of you can sign while you're together and then send out a couple weeks before you wed. That way you aren't facing 6 months of family drama. Do sit down the closest friends and relatives in person before sending them out though. They deserve to hear it directly.

What other options did you not consider?  I really am interested in other options (that don't involve me sitting around doing *bleep* all for 6 months).  

Boyyy can I understand that. We went the Fiance Visa route (after I flew back and forth for 2 agonizing years). I go to school full-time online (Ashford University) but I'm still doing bleep-all. I'm ready to get out there and get my independence back. I support you in your decision to marry.  I wish I could convince this man that its time for us to tie the knot. But, I guess we both have to be ready.

Good luck to ya!

Steph

Your partner will see the absolute worst side of you in the first few months after you move; the one that's clingy and needy and confused and frustrated and dependent and quite possibly a bit depressed.  

Wow.. You pretty much summed up the last 2 months for me in one sentence! Made me laugh.

Steph

Boyyy can I understand that. We went the Fiance Visa route (after I flew back and forth for 2 agonizing years). I go to school full-time online (Ashford University) but I'm still doing bleep-all. I'm ready to get out there and get my independence back. I support you in your decision to marry.  I wish I could convince this man that its time for us to tie the knot. But, I guess we both have to be ready.

Wait--you went the Fiance visa route and he's not ready?  Really?  That's sort of crazy!  Get thee to a registry office...

Thanks everyone for all of your feedback.  Your warnings about the job market have me a little scared and I think I'll be doubly sure I have a good amount of savings before going over.  My BF definitely doesn't think it'll take very long for me to find a job of some sort, maybe a month or two.  But then, he's not out there looking, is he?  He lives in Kent, in the southeast, if that makes a difference.  In any case, knowing it'll be difficult to land a job makes me even more sure that I can't go for a multi-month visit at some point because that's two periods of time when I won't be able to make any money and will drain on savings. 

In any case, I'm not expecting a lot of family drama, really.  I just want my mom and grandmother to accept it as well as they can.  It doesn't really matter what the rest of my extended family thinks.  I'd love their support but I'm not too bothered by it.  And they'll all find out from my mom/grandmother anyway sooner than later.  All of my friends know what's up.  It's been surprisingly easy to tell them and a lot of fun to see their rather stunned reactions that I'm going to get married!  No one ever expected I'd do it so young.  No one's surprised I'd pick up and move to England, though.  I would be in South Korea teaching English at the moment if BF hadn't re-appeared in my life right when I was going to start applying and I didn't want to put *more* distance in the relationship. 

I am sure about my decision, although I still think it's a little crazy, just in a good way.  It wasn't a hard decision for me to make at all.  My natural inclination against marriage made me want to find another way at first but I've come around to the idea that this is the best/most practical way.  I know I want to be with BF and I'm willing to take the risks.  I'm nervous but I think I'm definitely going to try to get to know his friends better the next time I'm there, particularly the female friends, so that I don't feel like I don't know anyone when I move.

Wait--you went the Fiance visa route and he's not ready?  Really?  That's sort of crazy!  Get thee to a registry office...

I've noticed that a lot of men here in the UK NEVER marry. It seems (to me at least) that its a growing trend here. The new norm is to shack up, have a few kids, then go your separate ways. (vs. in the States where we marry, have a few kids, and then divorce )There seems to be a fear of marriage that I just don't understand. Maybe it's a fear of divorce.

Steph

So....being as shacking up for an extended period of time isn't possible for you, what are you going to do after your 6 months is up? 

It's funny, because the marriage idea is the BF's.  I was originally very very hesitant to marry without living together, somehow, first but he pushed the marriage plan because it's the simplest. 

I could have wrote your title to this thread lol

I was DREADING telling mine. I gave up a secure marriage (all be it a pretty loveless one) to be with Steve and it was about 8 months after that we met in person. He's been over to the UK several times and when he proposed I knew that part of it was the whole visa thing and how difficult they make it to get an unmarried partner visa. However, it also made me feel that he loves me enough to go down this route and I sure as heck love him enough to do it.

As for our families, we had enough hurdles to over come with the whole meeting on the internet, my throwing my husband out and the fact there is a 15 year age gap between Steve and I so when it came to telling them he'd asked me to marry him and I'd said yes I was pretty much at the point where I didn't care what they thought lol

As it happens, everyone is delighted for us and his family have taken it really well also, which was totally unexpected. I am the older woman you see and I can imagine from a mothers point of view how is Mam would be feeling. His Mam has emailed me several times about plans and she genuinely seems excited about it. I was blown away. They are actually coming over to the UK for the wedding so it seems that what I thought was going to be hell to cope with after telling them has actually turned out alright.

You never know how people are going to react, just gotta grit your teeth and say it, then maybe run for the hills lol

Best of luck though when you do 

Well, when you put it that way, it doesn't seem so bad!  We're the same age, we didn't meet on the internet (although how we met is not a PG rated story and the fam has gotten a very glossed over version) and we were both single when we started dating! 

Congratulations to you, MissJo, with all your plans and I'm glad both families took the news so well.  

Sooo....just an update.  I finally told my grandmother (but not my parents) when she straight up asked.  She's a little upset because she'll really, really miss me but ultimately, wants me to be happy.  And I appreciate that. 

That being said, she also really wants me to have a "wedding."  Ugh.  And she's pretty much the only person in the world who I'd do almost anything to make happy.  My grandparents have been incredibly good to me over the years.  I'm the only granddaughter and they only had sons so she would like to see me be a "bride" in a more "special" location than City Hall.  She'll accept City Hall, and go, and be supportive, but she clearly would be a little disappointed.  She's not going to be around forever, unfortunately, and I'd like to do what I can to make her happy.  She knows I won't get married in a church or wear a long white dress and that's ok, she just wants something a little more than a quickie ceremony.

Unfortunately, BF and my budget for this is $60--the cost of a marriage license and ceremony at City Hall in NYC.  Considering the cost of the visa and flights and moving overseas and having a little extra to see us through the first few months, we just can't spring for anything big.  Not even if we get a significant portion of that back in wedding gifts.  I have no idea how my parents feel about paying for a wedding--it's never been discussed since I never thought I'd marry, or that I'd do it much later in life.  And they stumped up over $100k for my uni (NYU) and nearly $200k for my brother's (out of state at a UC school) and he's not quite done yet.  So quite frankly, I'd doubt they're going to contribute much.  We're doing this in January in NY or NJ so outside in my backyard is not an option (and frankly, not *that* much cheaper once you rent a tent and cater it).  And, quite frankly, while it's fun to throw a party, weddings just seem like such a waste of money to me.  I just don't have the bride gene.  If I were to throw  a wedding, exactly two things about the reception would matter at all to me: a decent non-pasta vegetarian/vegan meal and good beer on tap (no bud, coors, etc).  Seriously, I would probably never notice the centerpieces or color of the linens or what music is played since I don't dance.  I guess this doesn't really have a point, per se, I'm just venting a bit because it's really stressing me out.  I'd genuinely like to make my grandmother happy, if I can...I just don't see how. 

Can your friends/family help with this? I don't think it costs much to get a certificate allowing one to officiate a wedding. Do a potluck in your grandmother's back yard, hook an ipod up to speakers... You could do an evite and ask people to say what they'll bring so you don't wind up with lots of entres and no beer (or vice versa).

If good food/beer matter to you, and a gathering of family/friends matters to your grandmother, then just combine the two. Invite people over for a potluck so that you don't have to pay for food, wear something fun, and have a good time.

I also like noirem's suggestion of getting someone you know to officiate. My uncle officiated for my aunt's wedding, and that made it really special for both of them.

Does Grandma have a fairly large house or apartment? Since she's the one you'd be doing it for, it might be nice to do it at her place. Depends on how many guests you intend to have and if her health is up to it.
We had a very small church wedding (mainly for my Grandma) with a very simple reception in the church parlor and then had a few friends back to my parents' house for a drink.  Gram had the cake ordered, friends sent flowers (from Hawaii), I made my dress and my m-of-h made hers, other friends put up the best man, etc. I wanted my mum's cousin to officiate but protocol required that he only assist the local guy. I wasn't all that keen on doing the church thing but knew Gram would like it and DH's parents would probably think it wasn't legal if we did it in the back yard 

I would definitely get someone I knew to officiate.  I actually got ordained to perform my friends' wedding.  Unfortunately, if we take out the inconvenience of a daytime weekend wedding at City Hall, where people would have to wait on line with us and stop limiting it to immediate family and very close friends, I have an 80 person guest list on my side alone.  There's no way around that, based on how my family works.  Almost 50 of that is just must-invite family (immediate family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, first cousins and about 5 miscellaneous).  Plus BF would probably have about 5 guests actually make the trip.  My grandparents' house is not that big and the backyard isn't really an option in January in the northeast (unfortunately).