Feeling defeated....when am I going to go over to England?

If I were you Katrinacov I've get on with my life in the US, I'd spend as much time as possible with my daughter, my family and friends, I'd work three jobs to save money, and I'd try to snap out of the mental attitude of "waiting to move over", you need to live your life wherever you are. Yes you've sold your stuff and could move over if you needed, that's great but your actual life, your friends, your family etc shouldn't be put on hold, you're not gone yet so should be out living your life before it changes.

You had a set idea of what criteria you'd require before you moved over, if your fiancee is unwilling to do his bit to contribute then you'll either need to compromise on your own feelings go with one of his plans and move over (which seem like madness to me) or end your relationship with him.

Hopefully he'll see your position soon and change his ways, but
if he doesn't then you need to seriously think about what you're giving up vs. what he's giving up and if that's tenable in the long term.
Loving someone does not give them carte blanche to let them take everything they want from you without compromise.

I think this is excellent advice.

I think the idea that CB posed, that "love waits," is something to really grasp onto in these circumstances.  I wish you the best, and I know you have a tough row to hoe right now.  But, if you're both patient and proactive- you can possibly create a situation that would make your relationship work out a lot better in the long run. 

One of my favorite quotes is, "Wherever you are- be ALL there." I understand missing someone desperately, but I have been learning to enjoy my alone time and spending my time with family and friends.  I'm here now, and a crappy attitude won't change that.  I have mopey days. But, for the most part I'm working to keep my outlook positive. Sometimes it is really difficult, but I find that focusing on the positive things in my current life really helpful. 

Karinacov...I normally try to stay positive but honestly if a friend of mine said I am in love with a guy and I am moving to a new state let alone country on love no work/money/place to live, I would be gobbsmacked.

Think of it from an outside perspective love doesn't put a roof over your head or buy your food or make life easy.  Why start out with harder times?  Step outside the box if your friend said what you are saying wouldn't you say woahhhh don't do it yet, get a plan together!

Also why in the world would you give up a job, money and current stability and more time with your daughter to go to nothing and live at his mom's since now it is ok but wasn't before? I smell something fishy here.  I may be way off base as I don't know you or your fiance from a can of paint but think of this from an outside perspective like if one of us posted this.  

I am sure this is not the stuff you wanted to hear but honesty is always the best policy. I believe in love and following your heart BUT there has to be things in place like a job/roof resources ect...

good luck and I hope you do what is right for you

Also why in the world would you give up a job, money and current stability and more time with your daughter to go to nothing and live at his mom's since now it is ok but wasn't before? I smell something fishy here.  

This.  I would also be concerned about the way he keeps fluctuating--just because he now says you can move into his mother's house doesn't mean he won't change his mind again once you arrive.  Do you really want to risk giving up your entire life to go be with someone who thought it would be acceptable for you to live in a hostel?!  I also think there is something seriously wrong with the relationship dynamics when someone who is not doing ANYTHING to make this work suggests that you are somehow at fault or not trying hard enough to make this happen.  I am not sure why you would want to put up with being treated that way.

Well believe me I am getting the same opinions from my family as well. 

I made quite a mess of things.  I made decisions I shouldnt have.  One being, I had an interview in England, didnt have the money so my fiance and his mom both said they think i should try for it and fly over - lent me the money (BAD OF ME), so now my fiance informs me that I cannot come over until his mom's money is paid...yes that will be in October by the time I can pay her back with the US/Pound conversion.

So...I guess I wont be coming to Manchester in September like we have arranged all along.  Then to save enough money for a flight over to move there permanently...yes well it might not be until October/November.   

Then say my fiance has a job by then, and for GOD SAKE he BETTER, we still have to live with his mom because he claims that he wont be able to get a place without two incomes (AKA me), so I have to get a job as soon as possible, and relistically when will that happen?

I made quite a mess of things in my life.  Now I am waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel (like I have been for 8 months), but the faster and harder I try to run for this light at the end of the tunnel....the further it keeps getting.

I made quite a mess of things.  I made decisions I shouldnt have.  One being, I had an interview in England, didnt have the money so my fiance and his mom both said they think i should try for it and fly over - lent me the money (BAD OF ME), so now my fiance informs me that I cannot come over until his mom's money is paid...yes that will be in October by the time I can pay her back with the US/Pound conversion.

That seems a little bit...odd. Not that the plane ticket was a loan and not a gift, but that they were able and willing to give you money for a last-minute plane ticket, where if the interview didn't work out, you would be right back where you started - in the US, with that money down the drain, and yet they say they aren't able to accommodate you temporarily in the mother's house, where you would probably have more success on the job hunt because you are physically in the country.

You could probably afford a room in a houseshare on one income. It can be crowded, but you wouldn't be the first couple to do it.

I made quite a mess of things in my life.  Now I am waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel (like I have been for 8 months), but the faster and harder I try to run for this light at the end of the tunnel....the further it keeps getting.

You should take a look at the real reasons why you want this so much, and what you're going to have to give up to get it.

The truth is that you can go anytime you like. You have no visa requirements to fulfill so there's nothing that says you can just go and work things out when you get there and if it doesnt work out you can always go back to the US.

I guess if you want it bad enough you'll make it happen, & if you don't...that's up to you.

In addition to everyone's input, you may not be eligible for benefits and council housing etc. due to the habitual residence test, despite being British. You may have to have funds to support yourself for six months before you might become eligible.

http://www.parliament.uk/briefingpapers/commons/lib/research/briefings/snsp-00416.pdf

http://www.cpag.org.uk/cro/wrb/wrb155/habitual.htm

I would mostly be concerned about:

1. separation from your daughter and suitable arrangements being made for her in the US  

2. the seemingly unbalanced degree of sacrifice on your part
 
3. having a financial safety net / plan B should things not go the way expected

I'd consider staying in the US until these things are worked through before I personally would consider moving to the UK. Maybe you need to understand, in yourself, your own personal motivations for moving, as CB indicates.

MLG, IIRC, her daughter is in suitable arrangements (living with K's ex and has done so for a while).


Unfortunately, if you are relying on jobs to make your plan happen, you could be waiting for a long time. The job market is awful on both sides of the pond. In order to claim his job seekers allowance, you fiance will have to prove he's job hunting, but after 6 months (I believe) they may make him take any job they can help him find. However, that's how things were... I'm not sure what the government's rules are now given the very high rate of unemployment... I'm not sure they can even enforce that these days.

It seems to me things are all a bit of a mess for you. I'd have to agree with others here who are suggesting that you take a step back and reassess your goal and priorities - both individually and as a couple. To be frank, given all your stressed out posts about your DF, I'd be very concerned about the long-term viability of your relationship. LDRs are hard as hell and it seems to me yours is in need of a bit of fresh air.

MLG, IIRC, her daughter is in suitable arrangements (living with K's ex and has done so for a while).

Glad that bit it sorted.

katrinacov, I hope you are able to take some time to think about what you really want and what your priorities are.

Good luck to you. 

Hi Katrina,

I'm not going to comment on the eligibility of a council home and all of that because I simply don't know how all of that works, and I'm not sure what you plan on doing for Visa stuff either, but I'm assuming since you were planning on going over there in the next few weeks that you've already worked out the logistics of that.

How old is your fiancé?

There is a brick wall inbetween you two at the moment, and that brick wall is a lack of stability, and what he is suggesting is "Well, maybe if you bash your head against it enough, it will come tumbling down!" 

And it wont, cause its a brick wall.   What he is suggesting doesn't make sense. It's asking for you to sacrifice everything and ask him to do nothing in return. The concept of "It will just work itself out" doesn't always end up as planned, and if it doesn't you're the one who's going to be wondering "what the hell just happened??"

I know it sucks, but you need to put your foot down and say "You need to have income before I come out", and THAT in itself should be enough to motivate him if this is what he's really wanting too, no?  (Yes I know the economy sucks over there, and this is especially the case in Manchester from all of the UK folks I've met here in the US. But if HE can't get a job, being a citizen out there with the comfort of family helping him out, how do you think you will fare??)

Sometimes these things need to wait. It sucks, and its miserable, but for the sake of your futures together it just needs to happen.  I haven't seen my fiancé in almost a year, and I miss her every single day. We skipped our usual biannual trip to see each other top save up finances for house DIY stuff that is being done now, and for this whole immigration process. It sucks, but now I'm happy I did it, and I'm happy we were smarter then our hearts wanted us to be because we're in the best position possible to make this move happen and be successful with it.

Hopefully things work out, I know its hard but if its something you really want you can make things work, and be smart about it at the same time.

PS.  Mean no offense on anything. Obviously don't know your situation completely, so its impossible to walk in your shoes.

Aaron555 thank you.

My fiance is 37 (38 in oct), and yes I have basically put it clear that I am not going to come over until he has a job, or by some miracle I get one from over here.  Lately I have been getting a lot of pressure from my family to give him a deadline, and tell him ok if you dont have a job by December then we should give up on this relationship.  December will be a year since we have been together and they think that is a good ending point, because I cant keep living this cyber relationship.

I dont know if I agree.  I know its hard to get jobs over there right now, but that being said I do feel like he isnt really trying.  I send him jobs that I find for him, and we look the same sites...so it makes me think "why didnt he find this?", and when I do send him suggestions he turns most down for one reason or another.  So not sure.  I had my bday and he was sweet and ordered me flowers etc, so we both know the love is still there.  My family is worried if I get a job will I be supporting him forever.

Its a big mess, but we should take one day at a time I suppose.

From where I am standing it sounds like it doesn't have a hard working bone in his body. It would bring up major red flags for me with the constant changing his mind, not making any attempt to move things along in the relationship and being willing for you to sacrifice your whole life (including seeing your daughter and knowing you are so far away which in itself will be very difficult) while he is sat at home living the life of riley unders his mothers roof and care. He should be doing everything he can to prepare things for your arrival. He is 37, he should be more than capable of doing things himself and getting somewhere for the two of you to live. If that means two jobs than I would think he would do it for you. If he won't than what does that tell you?
I don't get this whole "Or if I find a job first" stuff either. He should be getting money in to provide a good level of living for the both of you. Do you honestly want to start your relationship of living together under his mothers roof, with you getting up every morning to go out to work for him to be sat at home watching day time TV? Why should you exhaust yourself when he isn't willing to do the same for you?
I'd be thinking about that. I'd also be listening you your famly. THey wouldn't speak out if they didn't have real concerns.

Good luck and I hope I haven't pissed you off with what I have said.

Yes I think that's what my family is concerned of..me working and him mooching.  Yes I dont really want to live at his moms, and yes I do think that he should get a job or jobs.  I am getting aggravated at it. 

Im not pissed off at what anyone is saying.  Its good to hear other (non partison) opinions.