Rethinking decision....willing to wait? How long is too long?

Hi,

Well now that all my stuff is sold, and boxed up ready to go I am finding myself thinking if staying in the US is not the better choice.  Not because I dont want to live there....because I love Manchester and would love to live there.  I love it over there, and would be happy for sure....but for my daughter.

My fiance came and lived with me and my daughter for 7 months - complete happiness.  The plan was always to bring him over to live, but I lost my job.  Got a new one, but doesnt make enough (according to US fiance visa requirements) to support him, my daughter and I.  So we abandoned that idea to me going over there.  My daughter lives with her dad, and i get her on weekends. 

As some of you have read in past posts, my fiance has not yet got a job over there to bring me over.  The longer I stay over here and wait and the more I spend time with my daughter and see her changing and growing so fast the more it tugs at heart to leave her.  Yes I have arrangements for her to visit when I move to England, but its only at xmas and summer.  I am battling internally these feelings I have.   I am in love with my fiance, and dont want to live without him, and I also dont want to leave my daughter...I want her to know her mommy and I want to attend her school plays etc.

So I am thinking of revisiting the idea of me bringing my fiance over here.  I dont make enough (barely), but if I get a second job that I work 8-10 hours exra a week...I will.  I dont know why we thought of this before, but there it is.

I am AFRAID to bring this up to my fiance.  I KNOW that he will interpret this idea as a sign that I no longer want to be with him, and that I am giving up on us.  THIS IS FAR FROM THE TRUTH.    Still I am scared to ask him.  He has told me before that he didnt think I could leave my daughter.  And we have both made sacrifices to be together (he left his two kids to live with me).  He is a defeatist, he will assume that even if I got another job that barely making it over the requirements for a visa we will not get it.   OH AND DID I MENTION IT MEANS HE AND I WILL HAVE TO WAIT 5 MORE MONTHS FOR IT TO GET APPROVED?  Maybe more like 6 months with it going over to England etc. 

SO I am afraid to tell him. Im afraid he will look at it like I dont want us to be together (not true...very very not true).  Im afraid he will leave me.  Im afraid he wont be able to wait that long (after waiting 7 months apart already). 

Im scared and need advise.

i am only saying this from MY experiences in life...........you have to make your own choices as to what is best for you and your family.

my boyfriends and husbands have come and gone......but my daughter has always been there

It sounds like staying in the US is a good idea for you and your daughter. If your fiance is unwilling to move to the US, 1) you can end the relationship 2) it should be even more incentive for him to find a job (and not turn down potential opportunities as you've said he's done) so that you can move there.

Ultimately, you need to figure out what's best for you. Being with your daughter is a big deal, and if that's more important than a life with your fiance, so be it.

That said, it's obviously easier for you to move than it is for him, since you're a dual citizen and he's not. That could be a (valid) reason for him to hesitate (note: him hesitating in moving does not equal you deciding not to invest in the relationship, regardless of what he might say/think). It will also be harder on you, since you'll be "at home" one while he'll be the one getting used to new things, dealing with the status of "immigrant", etc.

You can't not tell him just because you're afraid of how he might react. If he reacts badly, you can re-assess and decide if you're willing to leave your daughter and move (once the job situation works out). If he doesn't, then you can move ahead with the US visa process. Either way, what's best for you won't necessarily change based on what he decides is best for him.

I would say that taking another job so you make enough money that he can move over here is a fairly good indication that you want to be together.  Asking him if he loves you enough to wait another 6 months to be together is on a different scale than asking you to leave your daughter.

It sounds like you moving to the UK was Plan B anyway - tell him you may have a way to go back to Plan A and see what he says.

Tough Love -

If you are afraid to talk to your boyfriend about your true feelings then there is something wrong in your relationship. A relationship should be built on trust and openness. I could tell my Fiancé I'd murdered someone and trust him to at least listen to my reasons.  

If he leaves you because of your very valid concerns over your daughter then he is a complete Jerk and you shouldn't be with him anyway.

You're worried about him not wanting to wait but if he was that concerned about you coming over he would have found a job by now, instead of turning things down because they were "boring" or not applying for jobs for very little reason.
There were people on here who's DH's were working several jobs to try and bring them over whilst yours seem not that bothered.

If he was that bothered about you coming over he wouldn't have let you borrow that money from his mum for you to attend that interview, then back his mother when she said you couldn't come over until the debt was paid off.

If you really wanted to move him over you can get a co-sponsor to make up the difference, up to 3 co-sponsors.

I think you should follow your heart but if you were my friend sitting with me in my living room, I'd tell you that no-one will love you until you love yourself so are you 100% sure you love yourself and are as kind to yourself as you need to be in order to be in a relationship?

I can only tell you what I'd do in your shoes. I'd stay.  I'm not familiar with your previous posts but really, is this man worth leaving your daughter behind for? From what you've said here, he sounds kind of manipulative and if you're afraid to tell him of your doubts, like others have said, this doesn't bode well.  Good luck working things out.

I second cheesebiscuit. The relationship will never work unless the two of you are able and willing to talk openly about everything, especially the decision-making process when it comes to how to create the best situation for your daughter. Get it all out in the open now.

I have nothing to add except to agree with what everyone's already said. Listen to them - most of them have been through the process of either having to wait to move over or waiting to move a partner over, etc., and they know what they're talking about.

Tough Love -

If you are afraid to talk to your boyfriend about your true feelings then there is something wrong in your relationship. A relationship should be built on trust and openness. I could tell my Fiancé I'd murdered someone and trust him to at least listen to my reasons.  

I was going to say something like this but Cheesebiscuit beat me to it.

It bothers me that you seem to be as worried about your boyfriends reactions as you are about not being as close to your daughter, not having enough money and so forth.

You shouldn't be making a life altering decision based on how you think he will react.  

If I had to make such a decision, the first person that I would discuss it with would be my husband.

As Cheesebiscout said, your life partner should be someone that you can say anything to.


It bothers me that you say that you are afraid that he will leave you. Are you going to spend your life constantly suppressing your feelings, telling him whatever he wants to hear and doing whatever he wants you to do because you are afraid of him leaving you. Wouldn't it be better to be single than to live a life like that?

 Would he really leave you or threaten to leave you if you told him you missed watching your daughter grow up? I wouldn't be friends with someone like that, let alone be in an intimate relationship with them.

What everyone else has said.. and I'll add this.  Will you end up resenting him if you moved to Manchester and missed out on your daughter's upbringing?  Because you're afraid of what he might do? 

Loving someone means sacrifice.  He's going to be sacrificing to be with you too though, if you insist on him coming to the US.  He's got 2 kids who need their dad.  Not an easy choice either way around.  Good luck.

I don't have anything new to add, really. I agree with all of the advice the others have already given you. The only reason I left the States was because I only had myself to be responsible for. If I had a child with me, and was posed with the same decision, I'd stay with my child.

My husband has a son and I would never ask him to leave him behind. Never. It wasn't ever even an option. His child is here, so I moved here. It's as simple as that. If he loves you, he wouldn't want to put you in that position at all. 

My husband has a son and I would never ask him to leave him behind. Never. It wasn't ever even an option. His child is here, so I moved here. It's as simple as that. If he loves you, he wouldn't want to put you in that position at all. 

I agree with the opinions posted, in general, but just wanted to point out that according to her post, his kids are in the UK. So either way, someone is going to be making a very big sacrifice.

I agree with the opinions posted, in general, but just wanted to point out that according to her post, his kids are in the UK. So either way, someone is going to be making a very big sacrifice.

You know, I've been thinking about this kind of thing lately because I read lots of stories on here, for better or for worse, and as much as I want everyone to be happy with the person they love, I think sometimes you have to say "I love you but the circumstances are not right, therefore we can't be together"

Lots of people on here assume that their relationship has to work out because they're in love, but I don't think that love is enough when you're in long distance. It takes a ton more commitment, trust, sacrifice, pure effort, work ethic, time, energy, forgiveness etc to make a long distance work successfully than one where you're in the same environment. Also if you read the re-pat board etc, you'll soon realise that the troubles do not end when one person makes the move, it is in fact where troubles begin. As a cross-country couple you have to be prepared to deal with, drop in income from moving countries, missing friends and family, cultural differences, sudden change in lifestyle, etc for a VERY long time, you may never be 100% happy as someone will always be away from where they consider home to people. Many people will find home in their adopted country, but many will not.
Your relationship is further complicated by the fact that wherever you, there will be children missing a parent.

Lots of people on UKY are willing to put all this effort in and reap the fantastic rewards of moving and a happy marriage, but many people are not willing to go the extra mile or it's not appropriate for them to.

If you want my honest opinion, what I'd say if I were you... (you may want to stop reading now)

"I'm sorry but I'm not prepared to leave my daughter, and I would not want to be the person that took you away from your children, therefore I can't see a future for us as a couple"

And I'm sure my heart would break as I walked away, but you know, some things, like your children, are more important than a broken heart.

I'm just going to throw my 2p into this, and I want to stress that I mean everything I say with kindness.

I've been in 2 long distance relationships with Brits.  The first- we met in the US, fell madly in love and his visa was up so I dropped everything to follow him to the UK.  To quote Pretty Woman, "Big mistake. Huge."  It was a perfectly lovely relationship, but the circumstances tore it to absolute bits.  He managed to find an okay job right away, but we were living in a tiny flat with his mum, barely scraping by.  We broke up and I came back to the US.  We got back together long distance and I took my summer for another long visit to him.  He had a studio apartment (studio flat?) by then but we were still broke, just scraping by and stuck in a tiny flat.  And, honestly we didn't have the foundations or fortitude to make it through such crappy circumstances.  I know some people can stick it through and last through years of crappy situations, but I am not one of them. 

My current relationship is very different.  We've known each other for 2 years (I met him when I was in the UK the first time) and I'm moving over under completely different circumstances.  He spent three months here earlier this year, and my family and friends absolutely adore him.  He's completely financially solvent with plenty in savings and we won't be living with family or in a tiny flat.  I'm coming over with enough money to support myself for a year, the ability to work, and a job offer.  It feels like night and day from the last scary move.  As a newish couple we won't have to worry about all kinds of financial pressures on top of a huge cultural transition for me.  I'm not dependent on him and if things don't work out- while I'll be sad, I'll just move on with my life.  I feel like the chances of our relationship succeeding and being healthy and happy are so much greater with solid foundations. 

Sometimes, it takes time to build the life you want.  When you love someone (especially new love) it's hard to take the time to work out the best situation possible.  In the long run, it's going to be best for you and your fiancee and both sets of kids to make calculated, rational decisions that have their best interests in mind.  This is completely my opinion as I don't know you from Adam, and I wish you all the best.