Its official - have to choose between fiance or my child. England or no.

Well the worst has happened.  I have sold all of my things, and started applying for jobs in the UK, and have been working on a schedule for my daughter (who lives with her dad) can come visit me in the UK.  After a mediation appt yesterday, my ex husband says he will never agree to allow my daughter to visit me in the UK.  He says its too much time apart from seeing the other parent, and that he thinks I should move back to Michigan (where I used to live with them...in Ohio now).  He wont agree to it.  He says he might have agreed if she was 10-12 and not 2.5 yrs.

So I have told my fiance (in the Uk) about this issue, and he basically thinks the only option is to choose between him and my daughter.  I have offered the idea of trying for a fiance visa to the USA (we had this idea before but scrapped it bc i dont make enuf suport and dont have a co sponsor and im a citizen of the uk...on and on..).  I told him I would get a second job, and he then complained that we still wouldnt have enuf money, and that we wud struggle.  And he is right...we wud struggle.

So now its him or my daugher?   I want both.  And as bad as it sounds I want to move to England...I know some of you may call me a monster or wretched.  Im just telling you want MY wants are.  Now obviously people will say its what my daughters needs and wants that matter.  Believe me I have been told all this.  I not saying I dont agree...and I havent made a decision, but If i was honest, the idea of moving to England and working and living...I like that idea.  I hate where I am, I hate my job, and the people are not ones I want to be around.  I am angry because my ex husband controlled me when we were together, and seems to still be controlling me by basically telling me I cant have my daughter and I cant be with the person who he couldnt be - someone that makes me happy.

I have all these confused mixed feelings.  I love Manchester, I love being there I feel at home, but I lov my daughter of course, and dont want her to always wonder why her momma left.  I think its cruel and heartless for my ex to deny her visits.  The mediator said there were too many unknowns...I dont have a job (cant get one until im over there), no place to live, and my fiance doesnt have a job.

I need words of advice...honest ones.

I am so upset and lost.  My heart belongs to England and my fiance, but to my daughter.

Child. Child. Child. Child. Child.

I cannot emphasize this enough. I am very sorry to hear about the situation, but as the child of a parent who chose something other than to raise her... I say Choose your child.

I need words of advice...honest ones.

Here is my honest opinion.

Firstly, your post is mostly made up of how awful your ex is for not allowing your 2.5 year old daughter visit the UK.  I think your ex is being the responsible caregiver he is supposed to be and you would do a lot better not thinking it is about punishing you, and thinking it is about protecting her.  Because that is what it is. 

You would also do a lot better to put your anger on your fiance rather than the ex, because that is where it belongs.  I would personally never even consider marrying a man that made me choose him over my child.  It is the ultimate selfish behavior and I find it a bit disgusting, to be honest.

You also sound like you are funning away from a mediocre life and not running to something you love.  You may have convinced yourself that you will love the UK but you are overlooking some obvious negatives just so you can think it is better than the US.  You won't ever be happy by location alone and you need to figure out how to make yourself happy inside.

While you may want to consider your wants, your daughters needs to come first.  I think you know this deep down but you want someone to tell you that moving to the UK for yourself is ok.  I honestly think you moving to the UK and being a very distance mother is the worst you could do to her -- because you are satisfying none of her needs and still setting her up for all the "why doesn't mommy love me" issues." I feel you would almost do better breaking off contact with her than have the relationship that you would if you moved to the UK.

In short, I think you have your priorities all wrong and this fiance isn't going to make live grand, like you think.  You would do better getting yourself in order and being around your daughter than dealing with this fiance/UK drama.

Go to court. I did mediation with my ex and although we ended up agreeing on a plan ( kids come home to him every summer ) it is important to know that the mediator is only there to keep the negotiations civil and to help write up a plan.

Your ex husband CAN NOT dictate to you visitation. You have a legal right to see your child and he does not control that even if he wants to. Your state law does. You have every chance of having a judge approve your plan. They are bound to act in the best interests of the child. Don't let your ex decide your life for you or make you believe that you can only have his choice. It is simply not true. I would make no decision until you have a judge decide what your REAL options are.

I agree with the above posters, especially Sara Smile's comment about you appearing to think all your problems will go away just because you're living in the UK (which they won't).

Also, I would point out: you chose to have a child. (Presumably.) You knew going in that it would (literally) be a life-long commitment to another human being. Now choosing to live very far away and - basically - not having a relationship with her because it's easier for you? Not very cool.

I moved (with my mom) across the country when I was 10. As a result, I don't have a very close relationship with my dad. It's no one's fault, I chose to live with my mom full-time and she needed to move for school. The lack of relationship is still the result, though, and I think it would be far worse if my dad had moved far away for his own reasons, rather than life providing those circumstances.

Mrscolgan is right, mediation is not the final decision regarding visitation, court is.

HOWEVER! You would likely have to prove to the judge that your life in England is stable and secure. Your fiance has done little to make that happen. If anything, he seems to expect you to do all the work. And I agree with others that perhaps you need to question if he REALLY wants to be with you if he's saying you have to choose between him and your daughter. That's just absurd. Not to mention immature, defeatist, and a whole hose of other not very complimentary adjectives. And BTW, why is he moaning that you'd be struggling in the US when you'd be struggling in the UK, too?

All that said, if he suddenly decides to act like a real man and father (sorry, being brutally honest here), and you get visitation with your daughter, having parents in 2 countries is not the end of the world. It can work, though it's hardly ideal. But unfortunately you and your ex would have to make it work. And that is a very, very hard thing to do. Is say this as a mother of 2 little boys who may well be separated from their English father due to immigration issues. We (his father and I) WILL make it work (though it won't be permanent) but it will be damn hard.

My tough love? My honest opinion? You need to get a bit of backbone with both your ex and your fiance and your fiance needs to man up.

I also agree that being in the UK is not going to 'make' you happier.

Oh, I also want to say that is is actually *OK* to need to express your wants and needs as an individual. But the bottom line is that yes, you DO have a child and as we adults always tell children, 'you don't always get what you want'. Yes, as parents you need to be happy and love yourself, but you have to figure out how to do that so it's not at the expense of your child's more important needs.

Sorry if I am dense, but I don't understand why you can't visit your daughter in the US, rather than have her come to you. (I think I missed or forgot something somewhere along the line.)

Since you are a dual citizen, you should be able to hop back and forth across the Atlantic whenever you want.

I can completely understand why your ex would not want his daughter, who  is so young, to be travelling to the UK to visit you.

I agree with  Sara Smile that your ex is being selfish by making you choose between him and your daughter.

I also agree with what Balmerhorn just said.

Oh, I also want to say that is is actually *OK* to need to express your wants and needs as an individual. But the bottom line is that yes, you DO have a child and as we adults always tell children, 'you don't always get what you want'. Yes, as parents you need to be happy and love yourself, but you have to figure out how to do that so it's not at the expense of your child's more important needs.

This.

I need words of advice...honest ones.

Your daughter should come first. Always. I'm sorry if this means not being able to do exactly as you want, but that's what parenthood is all about. You have to learn to make sacrifices.

Oh, I also want to say that is is actually *OK* to need to express your wants and needs as an individual. But the bottom line is that yes, you DO have a child and as we adults always tell children, 'you don't always get what you want'. Yes, as parents you need to be happy and love yourself, but you have to figure out how to do that so it's not at the expense of your child's more important needs.

Balmerhon summed up everything I was thinking in her two post. It's not always about what you want and to be fair your situation with your bf in the UK didn't sound ideal either. All your possessions you can replace but time without your daughter can't.

There is almost nothing that will affect a person as much as the loss of a parent at a young age, whether it's to death or just non-presence. You not being there when she's growing up is something that will shape your daughter's personality and happiness throughout her entire life.

It's difficult now, when you're in the middle of trying to sort out your own attachments and emotions, but think about which you would regret more in the future - going through some tough times in your romantic life, or missing out on your daughter's childhood.

I like the honest opinions, i want those and not some sugar coated responses. 

IMO - There is no 'choice' here...if you even entertained the thought 'choosing' your boyfriend over your child then I stand by my original statement that I posted in your first 'problem' post.

If a guy made me choose between him and my child he'd get the boot!