He told me he can't cope with LDR!! Anyone been through this??

Has anyone been through this???

If you haven't read my other posts, I was distressed because I didn't hear from my UK/BF at all on Sunday and most of Monday daytime.  I KNEW there was something amiss.

I FINALLY got an email tonight from him. I was at work when I got the email.  He started out by saying that this was going to be a hard email from him to write.  He told me that he is having real problems with 'us' right now.  He said we obviously like each other alot but he said he is pretty sure he cannot cope with this long distance relationship thing despite what he believed when we first started.  Now it's hitting him that I won't be able to come meet him for the first time until January because of my work schedule.

He said that he cannot get to know me in the usual ways, and he wishes he could just court me in the normal fashion, have dinner, cinema, and then have some days apart.  But if he wants to be with me, he feels like it's all or nothing.  To be with me, he needs to marry me and start off like that...married and move into his flat.

He would have liked a more normal relationship where we can take the time to get to know me, but disappointed it is going to be all or nothing from the start.  He went on by telling me that he thought at first  he could deal with it, but the sad news is he can't!

he told me that he doesn't want to make me go through all he feelings of getting my passport and flights over when he is not sure if he can cope  in this long term and it wouldn't be fair to me since i deserve 100% commitment.

He said that he is starting to like me too much and it's bringing him down so much not being able to see me and get to know me in a natural way!

So after I got this email at work, and CRYING, Balling, i couldn't stop!  I had to go to the girls room because I couldn't handle myself.  I popped on the messenger and he was online, since i only just received this message.  I texted him in the bathroom for a while.  He started telling me that he doesn't know what to do because as much as he wants to be with me and only wants 'me' there is so much that he cannot cope with about this long distance thing.  he has a problem being thrust into things when he wants things to go slower and smoother more natural.

I asked him if he is ending this, and he says he doesn't know what to do and he hasn't given up but there is so much about our situation he cannot cope with!

I am so upset since he wrote me all this.  I don't know what to do or say to salvage any of this or help him feel right about what we are doing!  I CAN cope with an LDR, I CAN cope with getting married a little more quickly just to be with him. He didn't particularly say that it was marriage he doesn't feel right about, but I am guessing he would have liked to date me while I live in his local area without me being thrust into marriage and living in his flat with him.  When at first, when I told him i felt like I would marry him someday...he said  to me, "is that a promise?' now, it seems like he's backing away from the idea and thinking it may be too forced.!

has anyone been thru this???  what can i do?  what is your prediction of where this is headed?  please answer as I am heartbroken and feel a HUGE loss and I can't stop crying.

Well I am very sorry.

It sounds like he's unable to commit to you and making the relationship work.  Long Distance Relationships are hard and there have to be sacrifices to make it work, including making it move faster than one would actually prefer.

From all your other postings, it sounds like he really doesn't want to make it work, or that you're putting unrealistic expectations on him, or both.  

January isn't that far away of a visit- many on here have waiting years apart before seeing each other. They were able to make it work still.  But if he can't handle not seeing you until January and isn't moving the sun and the moon and the stars to try and find ways to make the relationship work, then he's not "confused". He knows what he wants and he wants out of the relationship.  Sometimes we can love people deeply but don't know how to make the relationship work out.  

I'm truly sorry, breakups suck. And that sounds exactly where its heading.  

((Hugs))

Big Hugs! I'm sorry your going through this.  I hate to say it, but it really does sound like he's trying to find a soft way of letting you down.  I'm sure he's 100% honest about caring for you, but some people have a hard time not having "The Norm".  Maybe he feels like marriage is the only answer to get you there, and he's realising that's not what he wants.  I think phatbeetle is right by saying if he can't even wait a few months, he's not working on the same commitment level as you are- which is hurtful even of itself. 
  Maybe what is in order is to bring the relationship back down to friend/getting to know you level.  Still e-mail and text, maybe even come out in January if both of you still want to spend some face to face time together.   Maybe a cooling off period is what he might need to re-evaluate what he wants from a relationship. Either way, I know this is tearing you up, and you have my sympathies. 

has anyone been thru this???  what can i do?  what is your prediction of where this is headed?  please answer as I am heartbroken and feel a HUGE loss and I can't stop crying.

I have to agree with the posters above, he is calling it quits. And while this is cold comfort now, at least he has the courtesy of being honest with you and letting you know.  I know a couple of friends/acquaintances who have had relationships (internet based and in-person) where the guy just "disappeared."  Never called back, never had the guts to say why it was over. 

And of course you feel a huge loss...just because it is a LDR, it does not mean you feel less.  It is still a relationship, so let yourself grieve this loss just as you would if he lived in the same city.  Get some chocolate or ice cream, wallow a bit, and then come back strong and find your right guy.

And of course you feel a huge loss...just because it is a LDR, it does not mean you feel less.  It is still a relationship, so let yourself grieve this loss just as you would if he lived in the same city.  Get some chocolate or ice cream, wallow a bit, and then come back strong and find your right guy.

This is sage advice!

i do sympathize, i really do. Getting your heartbroken is not nice.

However, you guys never actually met face to face before. So Im having trouble understanding how you were able to be prepared to marry him just to be with him.

but I am guessing he would have liked to date me while I live in his local area without me being thrust into marriage and living in his flat with him.

that is the normal thing to do.

But I will echoe  what other have said, if he is unable to wait until January, which is  4 months away, then obviously he isnt the guy you want to be with and ready to change your entire life for. What if you two did rush into marriage and a couple months into moving into his flat, he says "Im not ready for this, it went too quickly", you would be screwed.

Im sorry if this is a bit harsh,but I cant sugarcoat it all.

I know a couple of friends/acquaintances who have had relationships (internet based and in-person) where the guy just "disappeared."  Never called back, never had the guts to say why it was over. 

I'm sorry to hear this is happening.  I'm sure it hurts a lot.

Personally, I know a guy who's been in two different LDRs and had both girls just disappear.  It doesn't feel like it right now, but this is better.  At least you know. And, to be honest, I think it's decent of him to let you know how he feels before you've turned your life upside down and spent a ton of money on things.
 

I'm very sorry.

I agree with Ink that the normal thing is to date someone for a while, see where the relationship is going and then maybe take it further if that is the right thing to do.

I think it's weird that DH and I never "dated" in the traditional sentence. I had some short visits to the UK then moved over and got married a couple of months later. While it worked for us, I don't consider it normal.

It takes a special kind of person to be able to handle an LDR, especially one that involves people who live in two different countries and may have to choose between making a powerful commitment like marriage or not being allowed to be together at all.

I think it was good of this guy to realize that this kind of relationship wouldn't be right for him and to let you know before it progressed further.

Like Ink, I'm also concerned about how you felt ready to marry someone you've never met in person.  If you can become that emotionally attached to someone you've never met in person, what would you be like in a more serious face-to-face relationship that has gone on for much longer? Especially considering your other posts where you talked about getting irritated because you were sitting around waiting for him to call.

 To be with me, he needs to marry me and start off like that...married and move into his flat.

Um, who says?  I dont think anyone of us have STARTED our relationships with a marriage!   If this is the message you have been giving him, sorry, but no wonder he decided he "cant cope".

Um, who says?  I dont think anyone of us have STARTED our relationships with a marriage!   If this is the message you have been giving him, sorry, but no wonder he decided he "cant cope".

Exactly! IMO if he is freaking out after a month, there is no way it is going to work. LDR's are HARD and the worst part is after you are going back and forth and spending time together.

Exactly! IMO if he is freaking out after a month, there is no way it is going to work. LDR's are HARD and the worst part is after you are going back and forth and spending time together.

Completely agreed. I had a year and a half of talking online before meeting my (now) BF. We didn't allow ourselves to commit to a relationship until we knew we would get on in person as well, and by that point we knew we could do a LDR. But the real hard part was after we had spent a good deal of time together and then had to go without seeing each other for months on end.

So if this guy is not able to stick with it for a few more months when he's never met you to begin with, then there's a good chance he won't be able to hold out when the relationship gets even harder. I know it's a horrible thing to go through a breakup, and just because you've not met him doesn't make it any easier. But perhaps in time you'll be able to consider yourself fortunate that he didn't let it last any longer than it did, otherwise his calling it off would have been even more painful for you.

Chin up. It's not the end of the world. 

My relationship didn't start until after we had me so it might be different, but here's my 2p.

I was so not into doing a LDR. So when I met DH, I stayed a week and a half longer than planned and got to know him. I felt like I was going to marry him, but at the same time we lived in two continents. I never called him my BF when I was in the States, though we talked almost every day. He came to visit and it was great. We talked about how we wanted to be together...but still I didnt want to tie myself to someone in another country. So I tried moving to the UK.
I got a job and it fell through. I couldn't get a visa. I considered going to school, but it was too late to apply. So we were faced with a year of waiting for another visa, and it was just too hard to not be in each others lives in a tangible way. DH felt pressured and worried that if i moved here for him I would hate it and then it would ruin our relationship. So I started dating other people, then he did too. We sort of kept loosely in touch for the next six months and we had mutual friends so they sort of kept us informed about the other as well.
Of his own volition, my DH got a 3 month visitors visa and came to the US. He called me when he landed in JFK and I happened to be in NYC to visit friends, we met up that night and have been together since.  

My point is... LDRs are not for all people. If my DH didnt come to the US to spend a few months time, we probably wouldn't be together now. If I happened to be on holiday when he landed, or dating someone, or he wasn't the right person for me, he would have just had a 3 month vacation in the states and we wouldn't be together. If he doesn't want to be in an LDR, you can't force it. If he does want to be with you, he will find a way.

So if this guy is not able to stick with it for a few more months when he's never met you to begin with, then there's a good chance he won't be able to hold out when the relationship gets even harder.

SO TRUE. Furthermore LDR is hard, but marriage & moving to a new country, IMHO, is much harder. Marriage requires a lot of effort and stability. In general, I wouldn't want to think about marrying someone who wasn't willing to offer that to start with!

Maybe in the future you can meet up and see whats there, but for now, I think you might have to deal with separation. And like all the previous posters, I am so sorry that you have to go through a heartbreaking time!

I had a bf dump me because he was moving to another state to take a job and couldn't handle the increased level of commitment that my moving with him would entail. We were living together in everything but name and had been together over a year, but he wasn't ready to advance our relationship.  Living together is a huge step and we didn't even have to deal with "having" to get married and all the expenses and rigamaroll of getting a visa...

I'm sorry that he's not as committed as you are. Cry, wallow, listen to sad music, and when you're ready, find a guy who'll love you the way you deserve to be loved.

At the one month mark, you two should still be having a laugh and getting to know each other. Talk of marriage before even meeting is a big no-no. All it does it place undue pressure on both of you and this new "relationship".

My advice to you is to wipe your tears and back off of him a bit (read more than a bit). You have to be friends first before you can be a girlfriend, lover, or wife.

Steph

 

My advice to you is to wipe your tears and back off of him a bit (read more than a bit). You have to be friends first before you can be a girlfriend, lover, or wife.

Amen