An update, as well as what to do next..

So I met my boyfriend on February 17th, 2010. He spent a total of two weeks in the US, met my parents, etc. While we did have a wonderful time together, there was discussion on what would happen next. My boyfriend and I had a discussion with my parents about what would happen as far as future visits, the future, etc.

My mother and I still have that rocky relationship, ever since the incident in December. Even after meeting my boyfriend, she still does not like him because he has different views, she thinks bad of him, etc. My dad, on the other hand respects my decision to stay together with my boyfriend.

As for future visits, the agreement was that if I were to go over to England, I would have to go with my uncle.

My uncle and I were suppose to plan a trip for June 21st, to make it to a wedding that my boyfriend invited me to. For the months following June, I had try to get into contact with my uncle as far as notifying what dates he was able to take off work, plane tickets, hotels, etc. He delayed the scheduling and also failed to get into contact with me as well, thus the supposed trip never happened.

Then, my uncle tells me that maybe in August we can go. Again, the same thing happened. Now, he tells me to email him so we can try again with actually going to England.

I am distrustful of my uncle and doubt that we will actually be planning a trip there. I detest the agreement set between my mother and I about going over there to visit him, and voiced my concerns to my boyfriend. He's going to try make another trip to the USA in February, and although I am somewhat happy about the planned trip, I cannot help but feel guilty and hurt that I have still not traveled over there to visit him.

I was thinking of having another talk with my parents (mainly my mother) about going to England by myself. Since she has met my boyfriend, and has the communication tools necessary to contact me while I am over there, she has little to worry. Should I bother having another discussion with her or should I just honor the agreement my mother and I had?

The reason she wants my uncle to "chaperon" me while I am over there is because she found out that I was intimate with my boyfriend, and does not want me to continue with that behavior in the future. She is very religious and believes that in doing such an act, I have dishonored her and dishonored God.

Do you mind if I ask how old you are, or if you are still living with your mother or rely on her for support?

I understand that many people are close to their parents and include them in their decision-making processes, but I personally stopped including my family in my decisions when I started supporting myself.

Angel - According to her profile & previous posts she's 19 and living at home with her mother.

Phantomrose, I think you should go see your boyfriend on your own when you want to (and have the money obviously). At 19, you're an adult so there's nothing your mom can do to stop you. Also, I think if she's this controlling, it would be a good idea to move out.

Can you try going to college or getting a job and moving out?

I agree with AC, when you're self sufficient, you can make your own decisions especially if you live on your own and are not dependent on your mom at all.

Phantomrose, I think you should go see your boyfriend on your own when you want to (and have the money obviously). At 19, you're an adult so there's nothing your mom can do to stop you. Also, I think if she's this controlling, it would be a good idea to move out.

It's probably worth reading through the OP's thread from last year, regarding the issues she had when trying to travel to the UK back in December: http://talk.uk-yankee.com/index.php?topic=59296.msg841879#msg841879

It's probably worth reading through the OP's thread from last year, regarding the issues she had when trying to travel to the UK back in December: http://talk.uk-yankee.com/index.php?topic=59296.msg841879#msg841879

Sounds like nothing has changed unfortunately  . She's still being controlled and manipulated.

To be fair, the OP is living with her mother (unless things have changed.)

Is she paying rent or otherwise contributing to the household?

If she doesn't want to be controlled, and wants to be treated like an adult,  it would probably help for her to move out and get her own place, or take on equivalent adult responsibilities.

Wow. I've just read though what happened in December and all I can say is you need to get control over your life. I won't say break all ties with your family, but they are manipulating and controlling you still and you need to make some changes if you want a different life. If you're in college, get campus housing. If you're working, get an apartment. If you're not working, get work. If this is not the life you want, then you need to start making that life for yourself. It's hard, but it can be done. Good luck.

Yep you're both right sp and ac, I agree. A lot of freedom comes from financial independence. I moved out at 18 and it's been great but sometimes financially crippling with no one to fall back on. I suppose that's how life goes and what adulthood is all about, not having mommy and daddy bail you out and pay for everything.

Same here GG, I got my first job when I was 16, moved out when I was 17 and took care of all my own decisions from there on out. I was desperately poor sometimes, and I didn't get some of the opportunities that may have come from another situation, but I regret nothing. It may have been easier for me because I didn't have reliable parents and learned independence early, but anyone can change their own life if they want to change it.

To answer your questions first, yes I do have a job and I currently pay my mother about $130 a month in order to help with her credit card payments, and partially for my cellphone bill. My sister and her bf are also living in the household and are due to move out in January. If that happens, my mom is considering giving me the downstairs "apartment" like living space. I agreed that if I do get that space, I will pay about $200 a month. I get paid around $400 biweekly at my job.

I know that in order to change my life, I have to move out and either live in an apartment or go to a college and live on campus.

I also have future plans to move to England to live with my boyfriend. I was considering of waiting until I turn 21, get married, then apply for a spousal visa.

Thanks for all of your advice. I really appreciate it, and it has helped me think things over.  I would also like to know your experiences when going to the UK to visit your spouse/partner for a certain period of time.

My sister and her bf are also living in the household and are due to move out in January.

The reason she wants my uncle to "chaperon" me while I am over there is because she found out that I was intimate with my boyfriend, and does not want me to continue with that behavior in the future. She is very religious and believes that in doing such an act, I have dishonored her and dishonored God.

Phantomrose, I don't understand how she could allow your sister and bf to live under the same roof, but dislike your bf because you have been 'intimate' as you say.  Have you brought this discrepancy up into a discussion?  It seems so unfair.  I would imagine your sister and her bf are 'intimate' as well, since it seems they are sharing a room? 
Or maybe I am missing something?

Well, they live together because they had a baby together two years ago. She's due to have another baby also come Dec or Jan. My mom thought it was a bad idea for them to live together, but my dad did not mind and was on my sister's side about the issue. She has told me time and time again that she does not want me to make any mistakes my sister has made.

I've also brought the issue of them living together up from time to time and she tells me: "That's a different situation."

What kind of strings come on that apartment? Do you even have your passport back? For me personally the price would always be too high if my parents believed they should be making my decisions for me when I was an adult.

For what it's worth though, I flew to England by myself when I was 19 to meet my boyfriend. My mom was worried, but she didn't pay for anything so she couldn't do much about it. I left everyone with plenty of contact info and put myself on the plane. We had a great time and he cam back to visit me the following summer. All of my friends and family love him. Our 8th wedding anniversary is in about 3 weeks.

For what it's worth though, I flew to England by myself when I was 19 to meet my boyfriend. My mom was worried, but she didn't pay for anything so she couldn't do much about it. I left everyone with plenty of contact info and put myself on the plane. We had a great time and he cam back to visit me the following summer. All of my friends and family love him. Our 8th wedding anniversary is in about 3 weeks.

congrats! 

Phantomrose, I think it's just crazy that your mother, even after meeting your boyfriend in the US, is still telling you that you can only visit him with your uncle. Shouldn't her worries have faded away after she found out that he was not an axe murderer? In any case, if I were you, I'd get outta there!