An update, as well as what to do next..

What kind of strings come on that apartment? Do you even have your passport back? For me personally the price would always be too high if my parents believed they should be making my decisions for me when I was an adult.

For what it's worth though, I flew to England by myself when I was 19 to meet my boyfriend. My mom was worried, but she didn't pay for anything so she couldn't do much about it. I left everyone with plenty of contact info and put myself on the plane. We had a great time and he cam back to visit me the following summer. All of my friends and family love him. Our 8th wedding anniversary is in about 3 weeks.

There's a fridge, and I get my own space downstairs. I buy my own food and bring some home from work anyway so I'm all set with that. I also get a laundry space downstairs..the only time they can come down is to do laundry. I believe there's a lock on the door as well.

I was thinking that if I do decide to move into that space, then maybe I can set my own rules with my mother.

AC, congrats on the wedding plans. Your experience has made me smile. 

GG, for now I'm just grinning and bearing with my mom. I agree that her worries should have faded away even after she met him, but I believe what she's more worried about is me becoming intimate with him again.

I was thinking that if I do decide to move into that space, then maybe I can set my own rules with my mother.

I very much doubt it based on my own experience. Especially as you say people will be going down stairs to use the laundry facilities.

GG, for now I'm just grinning and bearing with my mom. I agree that her worries should have faded away even after she met him, but I believe what she's more worried about is me becoming intimate with him again.

Good luck! I hope things get better for you.

Wow, I just read through the previous thread as well, and I'm blown away.  I'm wondering if you ever got your passport back?  Did you take any steps yet to do that, or are they still controlling that element of your life?  I agree that your uncle is just playing this game with you.  You said that you all had an agreement, but it sounds as he and your mother have another agreement that was made behind your back to keep you here.

Cadenza, I did not get my passport back, however, I found out it was located in my mother's purse. My sister has said the same thing about my mother making a deal behind my back with my uncle so I stay in the US.

Thanks, GG. I'll keep you all updated as to what goes on. I have talked about this with my friend, who also has a boyfriend in England and she has offered that I go on a trip with her, in order to see them.

Cadenza, I did not get my passport back, however, I found out it was located in my mother's purse. My sister has said the same thing about my mother making a deal behind my back with my uncle so I stay in the US.

Thanks, GG. I'll keep you all updated as to what goes on. I have talked about this with my friend, who also has a boyfriend in England and she has offered that I go on a trip with her, in order to see them.

Sorry, I'm a little unclear - this means you took it back from out of her purse, right? If you did, please lock it up yesterday. Leave it with a trusted friend or bank safe-deposit if needed. And if not, theft of a passport is a federal offense. I would not hesitate to inform my mother of this if she stole mine.

I'll admit I'm worried for you.  I mean, I also come from a conservative religious family that believes in waiting until marriage, but I hope you can see this goes beyond this--way beyond.  Part of a belief system is us having choices and being accountable for those choices.  Your family has gone way over the line on this one, and if you're waiting for them to be reasonable about it, I just don't think it's going to happen.

Part of a belief system is us having choices and being accountable for those choices.  Your family has gone way over the line on this one, and if you're waiting for them to be reasonable about it, I just don't think it's going to happen.

I agree - at 19, you're an adult and should be allowed to make your own choices. My youngest brother is about the same age as you (he'll be 20 in a couple of weeks) and he just spent the summer in the US working at a summer camp, where he met an American girl who is also the same age. He is planning on flying over again at Christmas to see her (he spent a week with her family last month and her parents have agreed that he can stay with them again) and although my parents don't think he should go, they know they can't stop him if he's got his mind set on it.

However, the reason they don't think he should go isn't because they don't want him to stay with her, it's more about the fact that he's a student and doesn't really have the money to go... his uni course is quite expensive because it involves buying lots of equipment and going on regular trips, and he's also going to be spending 5 months in Norway from January, which is one of the most expensive countries in the world (a meal at McDonalds is about £10) and he'll be surviving on just his UK student loan and a bit of money from our grandmother!

I agree that confiscating a passport is way beyond controlling and wrong.

Aside from that, the OP is living in her mothers home and as I lived with my parents until I was 21 it was 'Their House Their Rules', I had a curfew of Midnight, I had to let my parents know where I was and who I was with, I had to help out around the house, I couldn't have men in by bedroom, they could come over & hang out but in a public part of the home and I made dinner on the nights I wasn't working or had a night class. I didn't like parts of it, but I chose to live there and out of respect I obeyed my parents house rules.

If the OP thinks that her mother is being unreasonable she needs to move out, not move downstairs to a different portion of her mothers house...but COMPLETELY OUT, then it would be her own house and her own rules, then she could tell her mom to stuff it.

Agree with moving out, out.  Do whatever you have to do - go to university, get a job, share a place with friends.  Just get out.

I lived fully on my own (or shared with friends, etc) from the time I was 18-19 years old.  My mom was religious in a kind of nutty/hypocritical/inconsistent way (much like the OP's mother sounds - sorry!  my mom had her good points too but it was all very Jekyll & Hyde, mostly due to long-term mental & physical illness), and it was all the 'My House - My Rules' stuff.  And honestly, I was a very well behaved kid, so the disparity between how I was & how I was treated was unreconcilable to me.  I was also headstrong & independent, and thought - 'Yeah?  Well your rules (and hypocritical beliefs) stink.  And I'm outta here.'  And so after my second year of university, I got a job in the town where my university was & stayed living away from my family ever since then.  It was a means of self-preservation to me - and yeah, it took me a long time to figure life out, but I didn't have the best foundation there either.  

(In my instance, my relic-piece-of-the-furniture stepdad was always stirring up trouble between my mom and me, plus I had been a child carer for my mom when she had an acute onset of a neurological illness that all but completely incapacitated her (nearly to the point of being completely bedridden) when I was 13 (she got better after awhile) - and there was no acknowledgement or appreciation for that, nor for the independent & very adult role that I was thrown into at such a young age.  I had just had enough.)

Agree that taking your passport was way OTT, and I think that was mentioned (about being a criminal offense) on the original thread.  But my impression was the OP didn't want to cause further upset to her family by reporting her mom to the authorities on that.

Good luck!

I've been quite interested in your story to be honest PhantomRose, especially after reading the previous thread from December.

I think Weby's hit it, as long as you live with your parents you can be (and will be) expected to follow their rules - even if you are paying something towards your board.  Even if you move to the downstairs 'apartment' you will still be under their roof and therefore expected to follow their rules. 

BUT, at 19 (nearly 20 I'm guessing at this point) you are an adult.  Your parents can control what you do inside their house, but not outside. They have stolen your passport, stopped you from traveling, and sound controling and manipulative and frankly, until you do move out you will not be able to do anything about this.

This may seem harsh, but you need to grow a backbone and move out completely.  As everyone has said before, they have committed a federal offense by taking your passport (and I hope you took it out of her purse when you found out it was there) and by you allowing her to keep it there you are just playing their game.  You do not need to go with your uncle to the UK (or your friend in my mind) - plan your trip, apply for a new passport on grounds of it being stolen, and see your boyfriend.  Then move out - nothing will change until you do.

I have to agree with everyone else here.  The situation at  home sounds very toxic to you and even a bit twisted.  Do you have a job?  If not, start looking for one and then get a place with a room-mate or a shared house situation with other young people.

I do hope you have got  your passport back, it's really inexcusable on your mother's part to keep any property of yours, even if it is "her house, her rules"!

I have read all your posts, and I too think your relationship with your mother is toxic, and in order for you to be a successful adult, its time for you to walk away with your head held high. You are capable of being your own woman, but your mother does not want you to be that person, maybe she is jealous, or maybe she is afraid of you growing up and leaving her, but its time for you to live your own life.

I appreciate that she has this apartment etc, however if you continue to live under her roof, you are going to be punished. Its hard to think about spending the money when she has a cheap apartment for you, but the ultimate price is going to be much worse.

Good luck.

I can understand trying to balance the pressures maintaining a civil relationship with one's parents as well as becoming your own person. I lived with my religious parents the entire time I was dating my husband, and there were many times I had limits placed on me. My father is a minister, so there was alway an emphasis on "What will people in the church will say?" in regards to my relationship. And as "wrong" as I felt that was, it was important to my parents so in order to keep the peace I tried to play along. For instance, my parents didn't want us to take a road trip to California together (even though I was 20 or 21 at the time) and so I had to "go with my sister" who just happened to be leaving for California to visit friends around the same time. They knew that we weren't even driving in the same car, but sort of turned a blind eye I think.

Obviously, the OP's parents seem to be more strict than mine, but I also think it would be easy for anyone (especially a teenage) to turn a parent into Chairman Mao.

Some of us were very mature at 19... had to grow up fast. But some have more sheltered lives. The OP's parents know her better than we do. Maybe they don't feel like she is capable of handling herself in a completely different country. Or maybe they worry that she won't know what to do if something goes awry. And perhaps they are wrong in assuming these things. However, they don't sound especially manipulative and twisted to me, just very reluctant to cut the cord.

To answer all of your questions, yes I do have a job. I make about $400 biweekly and recently got a raise, and also got asked to be promoted to become a baker, which is better pay, although I would have to work all nights, from 11pm to around 7 in the morning and I would have to be mobile because they might move me to a different location, depending where they would need bakers most. I was thinking about reapplying for that job, though I don't have a car, yet my dad says it would be good hours and good pay.

I left the passport in my mother's purse because I do not want to cause any further conflict with her.

I agree that the relationship with my mother is unstable and rocky at the moment. She is somewhat like a Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We have very different views on certain issues and I believe that she is probably a little hurt that I am not going to church anymore (partly due to work but also because I don't feel that it is the right place for me.) I also agree that she is afraid to cut the cord, and afraid of me leaving the house.

My dad understands that I am an adult, and I believe that if it weren't for my mom dictating about my choices of going over there, he would allow me to go. He seems to like my boyfriend, and does listen when I talk about him, where as my mom just rolls her eyes or complains.

For now, I am paying off what I owe my mom, because she paid for my college when I went back in fall 2009. That is almost fully paid off. There are also some other money complications with her. Her cat has recently got a urinary tract infection and I am helping her pay the vet bills for that. She's also afraid of my sister and her boyfriend of moving out by January because when they paid their rent, it helped her with payments off for what they did to make that space livable.

Thank you for all of the responses everyone. You are really helping me thinking things over. 

Holy cow. That sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. Please, please at the very least take your passport back. "Her house, her rules" aside, she has absolutely zero right to have that in her possession. None. She does not have a leg to stand on with having taken that from you - it's the property of the government.