so it's all out the window now

well, i just got off the phone with my son's dad.   he won't sign the consent for me to move our son to england with me.  he says he can't do that to our son and that he has far too many opportunities here for me to take him away.  this is the first time in SIX YEARS that he's trying to be a parent and his reasons are that he can't stand to not have him close to him.   he lives in another state with his wife and two daughters and doesn't visit much anyway.

i'm supposed to get married in december and file for the visas in february, but it seems that's all out of the window now.  he says my only options are to fight him for custody or to send our son to live with him when the time comes to move over.  he knows i don't have the money to fight him for custody and with the way my state's court system works, they'll look into who can provide more for the child.  i've never had too much money behind my name, but my son's never gone without.   i've gone without so he wouldn't have to, as any parent should, while his father's never done anything for him on his own accord.

i don't know what to do.  i can't afford to fight him for custody.  i can't afford the court costs and lawyer's fees.   he's trying to take my son away from me and he won't stop until he does.    what can i do?  please, i don't know what to do.

Why can't you and your future husband live in the US?

Why can't you and your future husband live in the US?

my fiancee is financially stable.  he has savings, his home is paid off, his car is paid off, and i'm currently living with my mother while i'm seeking employment to pay for everything to get over there.  my son has SEVERE ADD/ADHD and we're going to have him tested to prove it.  thus far, everyone i've spoken to has said "medicate him" and that's the final solution.  i don't want my child in that sort of environment if there are other options available.  where we'd be living in the uk has a HUGE support system for children with ADD and ADHD.  plus we've had huge issues with the school district where i live, so i believe schooling over there would be better for him.  basically, i feel that he will have more opportunities over there than over here.  right now, i have next to nothing to my name and i doubt that would change within a year or even two.   so to have my fiancee leave everything he has established to come over here to next to nothing just isn't fair.  my son has been looking forward to this upcoming move and he's been talking about it a lot anyway.

But you have said you can't fight your son's father for custody. And if he won't give permission, then what other option is there but for you to consider having your boyfriend come to you rather than you going to the UK? Perhaps you can move to a different school district and continue to try to find better medical care for your son. And your boyfriend can bring his savings to the US, where they should go even further due to the exchange rate and lower cost of living. Clearly you're not going to leave your son behind, so  I think you should at least consider settling in the US.

But you have said you can't fight your son's father for custody. And if he won't give permission, then what other option is there but for you to consider having your boyfriend come to you rather than you going to the UK? Perhaps you can move to a different school district and continue to try to find better medical care for your son. And your boyfriend can bring his savings to the US, where they should go even further due to the exchange rate and lower cost of living. Clearly you're not going to leave your son behind, so  I think you should at least consider settling in the US.

truthfully, the only reason his father is doing this is to make sure i'm unhappy.  he knows i'm trying to save to move over and if all my money goes to court, he can keep me in the country longer and under his watch.  i know it sounds crazy, but i'm not joking in the slightest.  i'm trying to get away from that as well.  i know it doesn't sound good, but i know that he has people watching what i do.  he's threatened me with court before in order to get his own way over me and it's not even that he wants to be part of his son's life.  i just don't see having my fiancee move over being a better solution.  i don't mind having to prove intervening devotion, but the fact that my son's father is doing this infuriates me and upsets me so much.  i can't say i'm prepared to give up an opportunity to better my son's life and my life just to please someone else.

It sounds to me like you have no other choice but to file for sole custody.

If your fiance is that secure fianancially then it really doesn't matter (visa wise) if your funds are exhausted with a court battle.

At this point it would probably be best for you to consult a family law specialist in your area. Find out exactly what your ex's rights are for your exact situation (is he on the birth certificate, has there been paternity established by the child support agency, has there been a court order establishing visitation & such) then you will knowexactly you need to do.

It sounds to me like you have no other choice but to file for sole custody.

If your fiance is that secure fianancially then it really doesn't matter (visa wise) if your funds are exhausted with a court battle.

At this point it would probably be best for you to consult a family law specialist in your area. Find out exactly what your ex's rights are for your exact situation (is he on the birth certificate, has there been paternity established by the child support agency, has there been a court order establishing visitation & such) then you will knowexactly you need to do.

you're right.  i don't seem to have any other option.  he told me that the only way he would consent to allowing my son to live in england would be if i signed a contract stating that i would hand deliver my son to his doorstep for a minimum of 2 months per year and i paid for EVERYTHING.   he is not listed on the birth certificate and he signed an acknowledgement of paternity when our son was born ( though he didn't want to ) and there are no court orders established.  the only thing i have is a child support order.  i just wish it didn't have to be a court battle.  this is doing more harm to my son than good because his father decided to be stubborn and greedy.

Don't sign any such thing to deliver him to the father. Don't make it a fight (yet) file for sole custody and TRACK all the times he has come to see him.  This is just good record keeping.
If you have to pay half of the flight then ok I can understand that as it is more expensive for an international flight then domestic and I am guessing you would be able to come back to visit family as well.

Where there is a will there is a way...

Are you friendly with his new wife? Does your son talk to the dad? If so maybe your son could talk to the dad (I am not sure if he is 6 or how old).  Be the bigger person, don't pout to him just remain calm as hard as that is.  Your fiancé is stable? is he willing to help you pursue this? Then do it just set a limit, don't blow all your $$/££ but go about it calmly.

I wish you the best of luck!

Don't sign any such thing to deliver him to the father. Don't make it a fight (yet) file for sole custody and TRACK all the times he has come to see him.  This is just good record keeping.
If you have to pay half of the flight then ok I can understand that as it is more expensive for an international flight then domestic and I am guessing you would be able to come back to visit family as well.

Where there is a will there is a way...

Are you friendly with his new wife? Does your son talk to the dad? If so maybe your son could talk to the dad (I am not sure if he is 6 or how old).  Be the bigger person, don't pout to him just remain calm as hard as that is.  Your fiancé is stable? is he willing to help you pursue this? Then do it just set a limit, don't blow all your $$/££ but go about it calmly.

I wish you the best of luck!

he might see him once or twice a year by his own choice.  he feels it's too expensive to drive up to pennsylvania from tennessee.  every time he comes up, he'll stay for a week.  get in on a sunday, see our son on a friday, and go home on a saturday; and this is how it's always been with him.  save for the first few years.  he walked out to get married and move away when our son was 4 months old and didn't contact him for a year.  even then he'd only call, maybe, once a year.

i thought his wife and i were getting back on good terms, but it doesn't seem to be the case anymore.  she's absolutely devoted to her husband and will side with him without listening to reason.  she resents my son and feels i'm a threat to her relationship with her husband.  my son does talk to his dad about twice a year when he calls.  once for his birthday and once for christmas with no contact in between.  95% of his family are not even aware that my son exists and they think his only children are his daughters with his wife.   i don't plan on pouting or stomping my feet.  he told me, flat out, that my only options were:
1. fight him for sole custody
2. give up my child and never look back
3. hand deliver him ( like property ) to his doorstep for a minimum of 2 months per year and i have to pay for EVERYTHING.  also, he would only give my mother a week with her grand child because (and i'm rough quoting him here) he "goes off to war and protects the country, he should be able to have his son for however long he wants"

my fiancee is willing to help.  he's offered to cover lawyer's fees and court costs if need be.  we're going to approach this logically and i'm going to see if i can meet with a pro-bono lawyer sometime next week.  i don't have much of any other option.   thank you for the well wishing!

If it were me in this situation, I would file a custody case pro-se and take him to court every 2 weeks. Living out of state, either he wouldn't show up and eventually the judge would award you custody or he would tire of going to court in another state every 2 weeks.

While I am not one for denying a parent and child a relationship with each other.. if he is living in another state and not visiting your son anyway... and if he is doing this simply to play dirty and keep you from having a happy life.. then all bets would be off and I'd go for the jugular.

If the new wife doesn't like having you and your son in the picture, wouldn't she want you to get sole custody and leave the country?

  my son has SEVERE ADD/ADHD and we're going to have him tested to prove it.  thus far, everyone i've spoken to has said "medicate him" and that's the final solution.  i don't want my child in that sort of environment if there are other options available.  where we'd be living in the uk has a HUGE support system for children with ADD and ADHD.  plus we've had huge issues with the school district where i live, so i believe schooling over there would be better for him. 

A bit off topic, but as a parent of a child with special needs you will have to fight for your child wherever you live.  I have a daughter with special needs and while I am reasonably happy with her education here, it has been a struggle at times.  Sometimes what looks wonderful from the outside isn't that great once you are 'in the system'.
I wish you and your child the best of luck. 

It really depends on your local school as well.  My nephew has had a hard time getting the help he needs, so find out what the local area is like.

If the new wife doesn't like having you and your son in the picture, wouldn't she want you to get sole custody and leave the country?

that's what i thought.  especially since she feels i'm a threat to their relationship ( though i don't understand why )

she's ultimately prepared to stand by her husband no matter how wrong he is.

A bit off topic, but as a parent of a child with special needs you will have to fight for your child wherever you live.  I have a daughter with special needs and while I am reasonably happy with her education here, it has been a struggle at times.  Sometimes what looks wonderful from the outside isn't that great once you are 'in the system'.
I wish you and your child the best of luck. 

thank you very much.  we're definitely going to need as much luck as we can get here.  i trust my fiancee when he says there's a huge support system for children with needs like my son's, but you're right.  all that glitters is not gold.