Uk love is making no promises, but it's not over--confusing me

I am confused with him need some input.

In my previous posts, I spoke about my UK love not being able to cope with the distance which got me SO upset and I have been crying everyday about it since last week. We have not met in person yet. We also have not even webcammed yet. I have been talking with him for a little over a month.  He wants a normal relationship to work out in a slow normal fashion and this Long Distance Relationship will not afford him the type of relationship he wants.  He wants a more natural progression.

He and I have spoken in more detail about it since.  He has been more distant towards me and he says that is because he is very good at hiding stuff away that hurts him so he detaches himself.

I don't know if any of this makes a difference, but I'm a Pisces and he is a Scorpio.  Scorpio's are from what I have read like to test you.  Maybe a bit unpredictable.

We spoke on Skype tonight.  I asked him in an email if I ever had a chance with him or do I HAVE to move on?  On Skype tonight, he says he doesn't know!

He says he can't answer that right now.  He says that he NEVER SAID we were OVER, he just said that he had to talk about his feelings about this situation, not that it was OVER.  He said he is not giving me any guarantees that he will be able to cope.  I was originally supposed to book a flight for January to go over there to meet him for the first time.  He told me last week when he said he couldn't cope that he didn't want me spending the money on a flight when there were no promises....

He said after the initial adrenaline wore off reality set in after a month and he realized he was being late for work because of our late chats, got ill, felt horrible emotionally that he couldn't do normal things to get to know me, so that is how he came to realize he could not cope with this type of relationship.  He tells me that he is indecisive.

On Skype tonight, he is telling me that he would still be happy to see me in January, but not for as long as I wanted to originally come over which was for a month because he says that he doesn't really know me that well to have me come over for a month as he doesn't know how well we will get on in person. (kind of a bummer for me really to hear him say it's like having someone you don't really know too well living in your flat!) It's honest I grant him that.

He was trying to explain to me that he doesn't see it as 'over' but he just doesn't know what the future holds.  I did push the relocation and the marriage thing on him too fast because that was the only option I have in relocating to England to be with him!  I don't have the money for a student visa to live there nor I cannot afford to be a student anyhow, I don't have work that would transfer me on a work visa, I don't know any other way to just leave the US on a spousal visa.  I pushed it fast because I wanted to let him know early that there were ways of me relocating to be with him and he was not wasting his time on me. But i guess that backfired.

So he gave me a possibility tonight.  He says it could very well be that we meet, get on very well, we have visits and it could progress more naturally to where there could be a marriage as some point but he cannot guarantee anything to me now.

I mean, is he testing me to see what my reaction to all this is?  My reaction was being upset and angry and he considers that a red flag because other girls have been angry at him in the past and got crazy on him..  I told him I was angry at him for not wanting to do the things necessary to be together.  

I put up my Match.uk.com profile again (where we met originally) He said he is fine with me keeping it up because he is not guaranteeing anything with 'us'.  He has more of a conventional point of view for relationships where as I don't mind the online romance and find it's completely the norm nowadays.

Is this normal for a guy to be like this if we haven't met and in one month is telling you that he is not going to guarantee anything and pulls away a bit?  I feel like I am crazy for falling for him so hard online and I have never met him.  He tells me I have NOT scared him away it's just he cannot tell me yes or no.  He said to me he never meant me to take what he said that it's over but he was just telling me how he feels like he can't cope now but he doesn't know if that could change after he meets me or what...he is making no promises...

I am confused.
So do I book a flight out to meet him and take the risk?

For those of you who fell in love online, how did it work for you?  Did your guy/gal have coping issues, ambivalence, before you met in person and did they make no promises like what I am describing?  Is this a normal response on his part?

thank you

i can't offer much advice, but he doesn't sound all too willing to commit at this time imo.  he, probably, should have given it more thought before you two began dating rather than waiting until this point to dump it on you.  however, you should probably be grateful that he's showing this so soon.  it could have turned out a lot worse if he had waited and forced himself to deal with everything.  it could have ended up with you getting hurt even more and, possibly, resentment.  i don't know him though, so i'm not trying to judge.

if you've put your profile back up and he's fine with it, you should probably keep your options open.  it could work with him, or you could find someone else.  OR he might keep you waiting while he tries to decide what he wants.  not that there's anything wrong with that, but i'd set a personal time limit.  rather than keeping you hanging on to a possible false hope, give yourself 2 months or so.  if he doesn't give you a solid answer, let him go.  however, i think a trip to the uk could help your situation.  he said he wanted to know you in person and court you in that way, so a visit would give you the chance to really get to know each other and see if it really stands a chance.

also, i'm speaking to you as a scorpio.  it's not so much dependent on the astrological sign as it is the person themselves.  i don't fit all the scorpio "qualities" and he might not either.   if you're really unsure and he's really unsure, give it a visit.  at the very least, you'll have gotten a great vacation out of it even if things don't work out.   my fiancee and i met online over a year ago.  we didn't talk much in the beginning because he's a very private person.  then his parents passed away, basically, back to back and his personality changed quite a bit.  he needed someone he could talk to about everything and open up to, i was just lucky enough to be that person. before we got together, he told me he wasn't sure if we stood a chance because of the distance.  thankfully, we managed to push past that and have been happy together ever since.  not all situations are the same though.  just keep in mind that everyone is different and will react differently to different situations.   keep your chin up and do what YOU feel is right.  i hope my words helped, even slightly.

Ask someone who you know truly loves you - a friend or family member - if you're a person worthy of full commitment and love. I bet you they say yes. Now why wait around for someone who is only offering "maybe?"

Thank you so much for answering right away.

Your right, he doesn't sound like he's willing to commit at all right now.


He said to himself that the next girl he dates is the one he is going to marry but he needs to get to know this person through the course of time and slowly. But he was "ALL FOR" marrying me in the beginning of the month and by the end of the month he had a change of heart!

But he says it's not over...

I was kinda 'put off' when he told me tonight that if I come for a whole month as I originally planned he said that it would be like he's letting someone he doesn't really know into his flat! WOW... I was def put off when I heard that tonight!

(If you planned a vacation with your guy that you met online for about a month and was planning in three months to go visit him, do you think he would say NOT to stay for that long because there is a chance we won't get on and he would feel terrible if he didn't want me in his flat if it didn't work?) or is that logical?


Since a few weeks ago, he was okay with me coming to Norwich for a month because he wanted me to see the area as much as I could because he WAS planning on marrying me!!

I'm so confused!  I mean, I know I do jump into things fast, but I am a passionate person and I do want to get married before I hit 40 so I mentioned to him that the way to be together is to get married.  I am really only into English men and not American men, so this is why I joined Match.uk.com

I mean, he had a small change of heart and doesn't know and can't promise anything now, but it's not over. 

I mean is it logical to have these feelings when you haven't even met someone?
BUT on the other hand, is it worth it for me to pay for this flight out to England to be with him, only to go back out of his life and then the ball will be in HIS court?

For anyone that had a online relationship is this the way things progress before meeting each other where one person doesn't guarantee anything or is it usually on an 'even' amount of enthusiasm from both parties?

I mean, I am wondering if I am the one who is crazy wanting a dedicated relationship without even meeting? Is this why he is being cautious?  OR is it starting on the wrong foot by him changing his mind first and backing away from any promises by the end of the month?

It's just I don't think it's fair on one hand to expect anything from him if we haven't met, yet again, he did want to marry me after like 2 weeks and changed his mind and said he cannot promise me anything which seems so unpredictable and indecisive.

Personally if it was up to me, I would want someone 'exactly' like my uklove in every way but I want him to not be afraid to speed things up and settle down and get married.

Is this a bad sign already?  Do I book a flight and have a good time and see what happens?

I met my husband online, but not through a dating site. (it was an online writing community for aspiring authors - he liked writing, I liked reading what he wrote)  

We started off as friends, and that eventually led to meeting in real life, becoming boyfriend/girlfriend, doing the whole LDR stuff, engagement, and marriage.

We took it slow.  While both of us were very excited about meeting each other in real life for the possibility of a proper boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, we both agreed that there might be a possibility that real life chemistry =/= online/phone chemistry.  

If not, we decided that we would at least be friends, enjoy our friendship together, and just have a great vacation together as friends.  If; however, we did get on in real life as well as online, we would pursue a LDR and see what happened.

Well, it worked out great when we met each other in real life, so we continued having a LDR with him visiting me, me visiting him, him visiting me, and so on.  Eventually, we got engaged, and several months after the engagement, we got married.

For us, this was a long process that unfolded over about 6-7 years.

Now, I don't want to sound harsh here, but personally, I would probably be reacting the same way as your BF if I were in his shoes.  You've not met in real life face to face yet.  You've not even met via webcam.  I would certainly be uncomfortable and hesitant to make any kind of promises or guarantees (especially about marriage) at this stage of a relationship.

Also, I didn't stay with my husband when I went to the UK to meet him for the first time, and we had already been very good online friends for YEARS.  

PS - I don't believe in astrology personally, but for what it's worth, my husband is also a Scorpio.

PPS - Why are you only into English men, as opposed to American men?  

EDITS:  For clarity...tis late here...

You know, I have English heritage in my family on both sides, I was always wanted to go to England and relocate there without really understanding entirely why I am so drawn to it.

I have always had a thing for the English guys as far as I can remember!  It's a bunch of things about English guys that are so different than the Americans.  I just know what I want now and I want a guy from England.  It's just a type I have in mind.  I have dated two guys from London before and they both in my experience treated me differently than the American guys I've dated.

Maybe I am an anglophile.  This is why I joined Match.com/uk.  I am near new york city and I know alot of British people live here but it would be a 1 in a million chance for me to meet one because I don't really go out much and even if I did it still would be a long-shot that I would ever meet an English guy.

So even though I am really wanting for this guy to commit, I am still not putting my eggs in all one basket and am keeping up my Match.com/uk site. He said he wants me to anyway! (which I find a little disturbing) he still has his up too but he says match is "shite".

If this guy doesn't commit, I am just wondering if I am wasting my time looking in another country for 'another' long distance...BUT I can't help it as I do have a 'type'.

Everyone here in the States at my job says that it's only going to happen to me again, you don't know who your dealing with online, most LDR's don't work out, your wasting your time and you should find a Brit here in New York (which REALLY isn't that easy as there is no SIGNIFIED British Bar)

......but this site has given me hope that it long distance DOES WORK.

Honestly I don't think there's anything different about English guys aside from location at birth. Like American guys, they are all unique individuals and choosing based on Englishness is a sure way to miss the potential in the people around you.

Honestly I don't think there's anything different about English guys aside from location at birth. Like American guys, they are all unique individuals and choosing based on Englishness is a sure way to miss the potential in the people around you.

This.  Exactly.

Looking at your situation from a guy's perspective, it sounds like your guy likes you well enough not to want to hurt your feelings, but not well enough to be in a relationship with you.  If this guy was really interested in you, he'd figure out a way for one of you to visit the other.  Instead, he's telling you he's not sure he's ready for "this type" of relationship.  Take out the word "type" and that's what he's trying to tell you.

Sorry if that was kinda harsh.

IMO he's saying that he doesn't want a relationship with you and you're just not getting it and frankly I think you're looking for what you think will give you a better life and an escape into a dream that you've always held and you see this 'relationship' (for lack of a better term because it's not even really that) as your ticket to happiness.

Girl, he's just not that into you and if you buy your ticket and show up without being asked to then you're probably going to end up going back a lot earlier than you expected.

If you're intent on meeting and he doesn't want you at his place (which is quite understandable) book it for a week's visit, make your own hotel/hostel bookings, bring plently of spending money and that way if he turns out to be a complete prat or this 'relationship' doesn't work out then you can still have a good time on your own and chalk it up to experience and then have yourself a decent holiday.

I met my husband online, but again not through a dating site. We were both moderators on a forum and just got to know each other through that, it then evolved to msn, then texts, then the odd nervous phone call, then pretty much nightly calls. then he talked about coming over for a couple of weeks. From the time we met online to the time he came over about 9 months had passed. we didn't start referring to each other as a couple until it we were sure there was the chemistry, at least on the phone. When he did come over it was for a shortish period of time - I could have found him other accommodation if we hated each other irl and he had enough money on him to buy a return plane ticket.

I don't think his concern about you staying there for a month is unreasonable. What would you do if you did come over and he wasn't what you had expected? Where would you stay? Would you still want to be in the UK for a month?

It sounds like in a way he is guarding himself. has he ever had a ldr before? It can be very intense and to be concerned about it is smart.

When I flew over to meet my DH face to face I planned a trip for 17 days.  We were both crazy for each other and already talking about the possibility of marriage,but were both wise enough to know that until we met face to face there were no guarantees that the feelings we had on-line would transfer over to real life.  I went into that visit as if it were just a visit.  I knew I would be going back home and I also knew there was a chance that we wouldn't have the chemistry we both had experienced on-line.  I suppose any relationship comes with certain risks.  It would have been a costly trip if we had not had those "sparks".  Even though we talked via Skye and webcam every single day, until you meet in the flesh, there's just no way to know for sure if the attraction will still be there.  For us, any commitment to marriage and a long term relationship HAD to come AFTER that trip.

There are too many things that you can't know about a person by chatting and emailing.  What if he is a slob?  Or lazy?  What if he dresses awful, or has bad breath?  What if all he does is sit in front of the tube and veg out?  What if he's fat or ugly? What if he is slightly psycho?  What if he is loud and obnoxious? You just have no way of knowing any of this until you meet him.  

Let me ask a hypothetical question.  Would you choose a pet sight unseen?  What if someone simply told you that a particular animal was a good pet but you never saw it.  You only had that persons word to go on.  Would you adopt that pet?  Bring it into your home and make a long term commitment to care for it?  What if you did and found the pet to be horrible?  Wouldn't you wish you had taken the time to get to know it first.

You need to slow down some and I bet if you really thought about it, you might even realize you could possibly be more in love with the idea of having a British husband than you are a man you've never met.

I  met my husband on an online dating site.

We talked as friends for 6 months then I flew to the UK to visit friends and he came up for one day.  He came to the states for a work thing, we met for five days.  Then we went on vacation for 2 weeks. 

Have you been contacting him since he told you he wasn't ready for a LDR?  Because perhaps he is worried that you are obsessive and his comments are about letting you down easy.

My husband woke up at 5am every morning to chat to me, if he wanted to do it he would.

Also, have you been to the UK?  Because it isn't like BBC America.

It sounds like he's trying not to be hurtful about the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship.  Like he's trying to let you down easy.

If you think you have a future with him, take it down a few notches.  He obviously thinks it's going too quickly, so go back to being friends, take the pressure off.

If it were me, I would probably just move on because that seems to be what he wants despite him saying he doesn't know, but I don't know the whole story.

And as far as your "type", once you're with him long enough you'll not even notice a UK guy's accent anymore.  Then you'll find yourself partnered up with a man like any other, so it's best to find someone who is a good match for you beyond the accent because eventually the accent isn't even going to matter.

I agree with the sentiments expressed by Weby and bookgrl--I think it's more the idea of being in love with an Englishman, and being whisked off to England than this particular bloke that's appealing to you. Of course I don't know *exactly* what you want, but you keep saying how you only want to date Englishmen, and are fascinated with England, but really nothing about what this guy has that you're into.

It may very well be he got scared off, or got in deeper than he wanted to. Some people think LDRs are okay, and that they can handle them until they're actually in the middle of one, then the stress becomes too much. If he really wanted to make this work, he'd put in a little bit more effort--when I was Stateside, my husband would get up a bit earlier in the mornings before he went to work so he could talk to me before I went to bed. We didn't even discuss marriage until 2 or 3 years in, after I had visited the UK a couple of times, when we felt ready to take that next step. Like you, it was the only way I was going to go to the UK on a permanent basis, but I didn't make a big deal of it in the beginning--we took it step by step, visit by visit, and it just 'worked'. Maybe it was too much too soon for this bloke and he can't take it anymore, but doesn't want to be a jerk about it either.

But, if he really doesn't want to be in a LDR with you, he needs to be honest--not mean, but honest. If you still want to go to the UK, treat it like a regular trip; book your own hotel, see your own sights, and if you two want to meet up a few times just to talk you can. That way, if you hit it off in person, awesome--if not, at least you got a cool holiday out of it. With that said, if you have your heart set on Englishmen, then you're going to be *forced* into LDR, which often have their own unique set of complications and dramas, and this might be something that repeats itself in the future if you continue to date Englishmen exclusively.

And really, Englishmen are no different than American men--they have a posh accent, may use different lingo and such, but really it's just down to the individual guy. You might be happier if you open up your options a bit, I bet you could find some awesome guys Stateside (and the English traits of an Englishman certainly won't make up for some major faults they may have--a posh accent doesn't make up for a guy being a jerk, for example).

Either go visit the UK and treat it as a holiday and see where things go, or you might just have to cut off the strings a bit. If he's not willing to make it work, or at least be honest with you and let you move on, you have to make the decision for him and not waste your time