Inconvenient Annoyances

I don't really have advice, other than to mirror what has been said about seeking ways to move out of that house, and exploring your therapy options. Something has to give, because you shouldn't suffer.

In the meantime, I am sending lots of hugs your way.

My IA? With the stress from the last two years I am now having anxiety leaving the bedroom or going outside, I also have anxiety when around people even people I like or am comfortable around.  My speech/vocabulary is also being effected due to the limited time I talk a day (10 minutes whispering back and forth to DH in the house) This is really causing a lot of problems as it is now impossible for me to leave the house even for a short time to get away from the stress.  I read that couselling on the NHS is only like 6 sessions or takes months to get an appointment. I found a place a distance away that has cousellor volunteers (not sure if this is good or bad) on a sliding scale. 5-30 pounds for an hour. How is the price determined? And if the price is lowered due to my joblessness etc, is that government assistance? As in will that cause problems for my ILR visa down the road? 

Oh hon.  I hope you figure out a solution.  It sounds like getting out of there will go a long way.  I suffer from extreme anxiety and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, so I can completely understand how you feel as far as the anxiety and not wanting to leave the house goes.  I am currently looking into therapy in my location, but I'm nervous about what my options will be once in the UK, especially since I'm sure I will be worse for a while when things are up in the air. I am also very wary as I refuse to take medication of any kind [it's not an aversion, per say, I just don't think the benefits will outweigh the costs--liver damage, side effects, etc.  My daughter also has a congenital heart defect because of lexapro I was on while preggo].

Please feel free to PM me if you would like to chat about it.  I have had some success lately with some dietary changes, supplements, a different routine, and some exercises I do.  I pulled myself back from the VERY edge [I almost called Child Protective Services on myself because I *almost* wouldn't leave my room one day, my brother talked me down over the phone].  It took two weeks of doing only 'positive change' things, and worrying about everything else very minimally, but I did it. It's still a daily struggle, but I'm very stubborn and I wasn't going down without a fight.

I know you can do it And if you need anything, just holler!

Wren

Thank you for the responses and links! I found via the links that there is a counseling center closer by than the one I was originally looking at, so that is good. Because quite frankly having to take less busses or having a more direct route would be less stressful on me. So the first step is to make a GP appointment correct and see if they could refer me to one of those places or just see what happens in general and go from there?

I was wondering how the housing thing works - although I feel we wouldn't be priority based on the criteria - wouldn't that be government help? I'm really worried about doing something that would jeopardize my ILR and would be really upset if the reason was due to FIL. Well, I will talk to DH tonight about it, it wouldn't hurt going to a CAB, there is one very close to here - maybe 1/2 a mile. I guess I should mention this here - sometimes I feel like I don't have a guiding hand here. Like if DH came to the US I would have answers to his questions and tell him where to go or know about x,y,z services that are available - he seems clueless in this department. He never seems to have answers, I feel his time taking care of his mother has kept him away from experiencing real life and he's missed out on experience.  So, thank you for answering and holding my hand through these questions.

DH has been wanting to move out for well over a year, but we can never afford it. The 8,000 he made last year from his dad paying him to work watching is mom (80-100 hours a week) was eaten up by multiple plane tickets overseas, visa application, car repairs, tiny wedding etc, rent and then ate up savings due to having no pay coming in for four months after his mom died. (His dad cut off the pay the day she died - never said a word and knew DH was going in for planned surgery a week later where he need recoup time) Right now DH's job pays less than minimum wage and he pays 240 pounds a month in petrol to drive to these clients houses (carer position), there is always something that sucks our money up, like constant car repairs, tires, etc. We have to lie to FIL and tell him that DH is just doing volunteer work so that we aren't charged rent again for living in the bedroom. DH absolutely hates living here. He has his days where he cries and apologizes for the life we have to live.

It's amazing to stand back and look at this situation and think how the heck did this all happen. FIL has been pulling DH's strings for so long without him even knowing. Its so sick I am really considering writing a book about it one day. Put a passive aggressive, controlling, bullying and abusive man in the position of helping his son and his foreigner wife by providing income (paying for wife's care) and a place to stay and there is plenty of room for abuse. Work him 80-100 hours a week, only pay for 30, make sure the couple has no time alone, cut off pay when you get mad, cause problems when couple relies on you for housing paperwork etc for visa, charge enough rent so they can never save and move out. The list goes on.

Anyway... sorry I ramble. I actually think I have ptsd from this all.


Wren Black - I would very much like to talk, thanks I don't think I will PM you today though, I already feel tired emotionally, but I will PM you tomorrow.

I will keep you all updated. Here is my blog about living here I started the two months ago if anyone is interested - http://shitmyfildoes.wordpress.com/  I've not updated it in a few weeks. Thank you again for your help!!

Your husband is entitled to any benefits a UK citizen can have, he just can't claim more for you. That means he can request a one-person council flat and just ask permission for you to live there. He can also get working tax credits if his income is so low, and possibly some other benefits as well. Definitely go to the CAB and check it out!

Normally, I try not to make too many FML-style posts, but it's kind of been a hell of a year, automotively.

I've spent nearly six months dealing with a broken driver's side door handle on my car.  It would only open from the inside, so I had to lean in from the other side and pop it open, while hoping that the wind wouldn't catch it and bend the hinges ('cos I've already filed that insurance claim once!)  This, of course, is an incredibly graceful move when you're wearing a dress, and makes a great impression on colleagues when carpooling.

We took it to the garage when it first happened, and instead of replacing the part, they 'fixed' it.  Which did work for a few weeks, but then their fix failed and I was back to square one.  So we asked them to just go ahead and order a replacement part.  The part just arrived last week, a good 4 months after they were meant to have ordered it.  But I went in on Friday and waited 5 hours while they replaced the handle and did some other maintenance.

On Saturday, we drove up to the 'big city', where we discovered that, while the door handle does work, the power lock doesn't.  So if the doors have been locked, you still have to open the door from the inside, as that's the only way to unlock it (it's a Renault, so the actual, keyed door lock is on the left, where the driver's side should be).

And that's not all! The weird ringing noise I was hearing from the back wheels has turned out not to have anything to do with the alarmingly bald tires, because it's still there now that I had them both changed.  AND the grindy noise from the front breaks is there again, even though it had a new break pad in January.  AND they only replaced one of the two blown headlight bulbs, which is alright really, because they also didn't re-attach the front of the car correctly when they did it (it's really inconveniently designed), so it would need to come back off anyway.

And the problem is, I can't even take all this frustration out on the garage (even though they kind of deserve it), because they're family friends (which is why we continue to go there anyway) and my husband does business with them.  And we can't just sneak off and take it elsewhere, secretly, because a) they'd find out anyway, and b) I'm not going to pay someone else double to fix their mistakes!

He can also get working tax credits if his income is so low, and possibly some other benefits as well. Definitely go to the CAB and check it out!

This is a great point!!!!   

OMG StealthG... I've just been reading your blog and I could quite honestly weep for you.  Please, please, please go to Citizens Advice as soon as possible! 

Oh StealthG, I hope you can manage to find a way to get yourselves out of that environment. No one should have to put up with that. 

My IA is in keeping with the automotive annoyances. Today, I went out to my car and someone had hit my side mirror. This is the latest in a long line of living-in-a-city related car problems. Seriously thinking of just getting rid of it, since all I do is pay for damage other people do to it and I only drive the dang thing once or twice a month.

My IA is in keeping with the automotive annoyances. Today, I went out to my car and someone had hit my side mirror. This is the latest in a long line of living-in-a-city related car problems. Seriously thinking of just getting rid of it, since all I do is pay for damage other people do to it and I only drive the dang thing once or twice a month.

Do you have any ZipCars near you? You sound like the perfect candidate!

Do you have any ZipCars near you? You sound like the perfect candidate!

I think we have quite a few, actually, and I think you might be right! I hadn't thought of it, thanks! 

StealthG, I would seriously print out your entire blog and get to a GP as soon as possible.  Tell them everything and they should work with you both with social services.  See can find  "Adult Protection Services" in your council. Because actually, this is well beyond a crazy FIL, this is serious emotional abuse and you deserve to live like a normal human being and not be afraid of anything.   
 I know you're not wanting to jepordise your visa situation, but honestly, you are living in a very abusive situation  (having to pee in a bucket,  37 hours without food, afraid of getting hit, having to wide and whisper and losing all verbal reasoning? - this is incredibly scary)   and you have to do anything and everything to get out.  I am very frightened for you. 

And the Christmas stuff is appearing on the shelves....

Oh StealthG, I hope you can manage to find a way to get yourselves out of that environment. No one should have to put up with that. 

My IA is in keeping with the automotive annoyances. Today, I went out to my car and someone had hit my side mirror. This is the latest in a long line of living-in-a-city related car problems. Seriously thinking of just getting rid of it, since all I do is pay for damage other people do to it and I only drive the dang thing once or twice a month.

I'm getting rid of mine by the end of the month! Got into a minor car accident (more than a fender bender, no one was hurt, car is mostly ok--it was the other driver's fault (blew through a stop sign)) on Monday that just confirms the decision.

I'm getting rid of mine by the end of the month! Got into a minor car accident (more than a fender bender, no one was hurt, car is mostly ok--it was the other driver's fault (blew through a stop sign)) on Monday that just confirms the decision.

Ugh, I'm glad you're okay!!! I'm dropping mine off at my parents' for a few weeks just to be rid of it for a little bit and see how I get on. I can't totally get rid of it until after my friend comes to visit from Scotland at the end of October (airport pick-up/drop-off and we're going to be road-tripping a bit) so we'll see how I feel about it then!

I'm giving up retail therapy.  Never find anything I really want to buy (and this was happening in the US so it's not a UK gripe).  The other day I found a grey jersey infinity scarf in TK Maxx for under 5 pounds.  Got all the way home with it and discovered it still had a security device in it.  Went all the way back next day and the kid on the till tried every de-sticker they had to no avail. He said " It's originally from Wearhouse; take it back to them and see if they can remove it!" I said "I didn't buy it from them.  You asked for my receipt so they would want to see their receipt" Finally convinced him to give me my money back ...