Inconvenient Annoyances

An immediate family member just decided to get married with only a few months notice, and the wedding date is less than two months after my long planned trip across the pond. For reasons I won't get into, it's impossible to reschedule or cancel that trip, and the family member is aware of the inconvenience but isn't willing to reconsider the wedding date. The money I'd hoped to use to explore more of Europe this summer will now go to a second expensive overseas airfare.

Another family member cheerfully said in response to the situation: "this is what you signed up for when you moved abroad!" It's not quite what I had in mind, actually. Very happy for the people getting married but not the IA it's causing me!

I just went through all of this drama when my brother announced his very short engagement after I’ve had a trip booked in June for well over a year.

Very very sorry! It’s such a pain. Luckily I’m swinging both trips but boy it caused some serious drama in my family.


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I’d ask Historienne.  She used to live there.

Oh yeah! I totally forgot all about that! I think we worked it out now but I didn't even think to speak to Historienne!

No call... *sigh* Either a scam or they don't know how to write down a phone number. In the US I'd constantly be contacted for jobs where it was clear they were only trying to meet their "advertisement" requirements so they could hire an h1b visa employee. Wonder if they do the same here for the RLMT?

Don't underestimate how loooong things can take to sort out here.  They will call you two weeks from now and act like nothing happened.   I've had a recruiter call me about a gig at Santander telling me they are going to send my CV to a potential client.  They email or call once a week to ask if I am still available and they have done that for the last 6 weeks!  Each time they say the client still hasn't made up their minds.

Anyway, you keep plugging away.  It's just a numbers game.  You build up a certain momentum where at first you don't get any calls, then you get plenty of calls but no CVs being sent, then plenty of CVs sent but no interviews, then some you'll get an offer.

Don't underestimate how loooong things can take to sort out here.  They will call you two weeks from now and act like nothing happened.   I've had a recruiter call me about a gig at Santander telling me they are going to send my CV to a potential client.  They email or call once a week to ask if I am still available and they have done that for the last 6 weeks!  Each time they say the client still hasn't made up their minds.

Anyway, you keep plugging away.  It's just a numbers game.  You build up a certain momentum where at first you don't get any calls, then you get plenty of calls but no CVs being sent, then plenty of CVs sent but no interviews, then some you'll get an offer.

Yeah, I have an in person interview next Wednesday finally. I hate working in finance because it means sometimes enabling crappy businesses to survive when you also just need a job. In the US I had some ability to be picky but lost that with this move because first I needed something to tide me over while the visa happened, and now I need UK experience. (payday loans... Aka forcing poor people to pay high interest rates on small amounts of money, unless that business is different here.)

Yeah, I have an in person interview next Wednesday finally. I hate working in finance because it means sometimes enabling crappy businesses to survive when you also just need a job. In the US I had some ability to be picky but lost that with this move because first I needed something to tide me over while the visa happened, and now I need UK experience. (payday loans... Aka forcing poor people to pay high interest rates on small amounts of money, unless that business is different here.)

Nope, that business is just the same here, maybe worse.  There have been some new regulations recently on payday loan companies that may have curbed the worst abuses. 

I wouldn't lose any respect for you if you took a job with a payday loan company, or an arms dealer, or a tobacco company.  You need a job.  We all do our best to do what's right and we all compromise every day.  I'm posting here instead of volunteering at the local Oxfam, whoever is perfect can judge us first. 

I wouldn't lose any respect for you if you took a job with a payday loan company, or an arms dealer, or a tobacco company.  You need a job.  We all do our best to do what's right and we all compromise every day.

What he said!!!

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't worry about it!    Especially with the attitude you are receiving!

I agree!  Ancestry, ask yourself this: would your family cancel their holiday and travel to the UK if the tables were turned? Also, it’s not unreasonable for them to plan around you. I was married in the UK and at the time, many of my friends and some family were already planning to visit the UK for the Farnborough Air Show (we worked in aerospace at the time) so the wedding was planned around that. I wanted to make it as convenient as possible for everyone. I didn’t guilt trip anyone who couldn’t make it because I know it’s an expensive trip!


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This is inconvenient and an annoyance... Dinner when married.

If I don't pick what we are eating and start cooking it my husband would just not eat, or have cheese sandwiches on really expensive bread (because that's easier than learning about cross contamination) 3x a day. I had a migraine mid work, but a project I had to finish so I worked late after it subsided. Do you think my husband started dinner or even considered cooking while I was wrapping things up? Nope. He's in his office watching YouTube (which he does all day) with headphones on. I ask every night what he wants and it's always "I don't know" so he gets what I make. I mean, I'm a good cook, but I hate having to *think* about what to have for dinner every night of the week when there's another person who could do that occasionally. If I'm literally bed bound (one day every couple weeks) I tell him what I want and ask him to cook and he does, so I can't complain too much. He does look after me where it counts and I'd otherwise go without food. But I'm hungry and don't want to cook now. I've had 3 days of pain keeping me awake at night and it's really the last thing I want to do in general. (that pain is at least finally getting better, no more numb/stinging toes.)

This is inconvenient and an annoyance... Dinner when married.

If I don't pick what we are eating and start cooking it my husband would just not eat, or have cheese sandwiches on really expensive bread (because that's easier than learning about cross contamination) 3x a day. I had a migraine mid work, but a project I had to finish so I worked late after it subsided. Do you think my husband started dinner or even considered cooking while I was wrapping things up? Nope. He's in his office watching YouTube (which he does all day) with headphones on. I ask every night what he wants and it's always "I don't know" so he gets what I make. I mean, I'm a good cook, but I hate having to *think* about what to have for dinner every night of the week when there's another person who could do that occasionally. If I'm literally bed bound (one day every couple weeks) I tell him what I want and ask him to cook and he does, so I can't complain too much. He does look after me where it counts and I'd otherwise go without food. But I'm hungry and don't want to cook now. I've had 3 days of pain keeping me awake at night and it's really the last thing I want to do in general. (that pain is at least finally getting better, no more numb/stinging toes.)

Sounds like you need to have a talk about this. My guess is that he's probably oblivious and as long as you continue to cook for him, he's going to let you! 
Explain that you need him to share the load on a regular basis, not just when you are too sick to get out of bed!

I ask every night what he wants and it's always "I don't know" so he gets what I make. I mean, I'm a good cook, but I hate having to *think* about what to have for dinner every night of the week when there's another person who could do that occasionally.

Ohmigosh, if I had a complaint about my husband, it's the response to "what do you want to eat this week?" question when I'm ordering groceries.  It's always "tasty noms!" which isn't very helpful.  He won't be more specific.  But he also doesn't want the same thing all the time.

Sounds like you need to have a talk about this. My guess is that he's probably oblivious and as long as you continue to cook for him, he's going to let you! 
Explain that you need him to share the load on a regular basis, not just when you are too sick to get out of bed!

100% agree with Larrabee. I think a discussion just needs to happen around the important of carrying your weight in those specific areas. I find that unless I specifically spell things out for my husband sometimes, as smart of a guy as he is, he will just assume it's all find. I always find it shocking how oblivious he can be for a guy that I think is fairly intelligent!

Thing is, we've already "talked". This is more a reflection on his personality than his intelligence. He won't make suggestions for things to do/eat/etc, because he's perfectly content not doing anything at all (like playing video games or programming). We have a car now, we can do things. I'm feeling like we talk and communicate less now than we did when we were separated by an ocean. Its been an issue for a while, sometimes it gets better for a few days, and then not. I want counseling, he doesn't think there's an issue. *sigh* (so really, it's more than dinner, but that was my big hangry frustration last night.)

Thing is, we've already "talked". This is more a reflection on his personality than his intelligence. He won't make suggestions for things to do/eat/etc, because he's perfectly content not doing anything at all (like playing video games or programming). We have a car now, we can do things. I'm feeling like we talk and communicate less now than we did when we were separated by an ocean. Its been an issue for a while, sometimes it gets better for a few days, and then not. I want counseling, he doesn't think there's an issue. *sigh* (so really, it's more than dinner, but that was my big hangry frustration last night.)

Ugh being hangry definitely never helps

I would just make it clear that the communication doesn't feel like it's there for you and that, if he really doesn't think it's an issue, the least he can do for your sake is to attend even just one session with a counsellor because it will make you feel better. And then just go from there. One session won't hurt anybody, even if there isn't a problem (as he believes is the case).If he still refuses to go, could you start just seeing a counsellor for yourself and seeing how they recommend going about handling this situation? I'm sorry you're having to deal with this on top of everything else.

Ugh being hangry definitely never helps

I would just make it clear that the communication doesn't feel like it's there for you and that, if he really doesn't think it's an issue, the least he can do for your sake is to attend even just one session with a counsellor because it will make you feel better. And then just go from there. One session won't hurt anybody, even if there isn't a problem (as he believes is the case).If he still refuses to go, could you start just seeing a counsellor for yourself and seeing how they recommend going about handling this situation? I'm sorry you're having to deal with this on top of everything else.

Oh, I'm setting up counselling for myself without a doubt. I need it. I don't respond well to antidepressants and have definitely hit the clinically depressed point from the past 6 months, but don't feel safe even speaking to the NHS doctors about it. But that is in part because of the "home life" being extra challenging on top of everything else w/ health and job.

Oh, I'm setting up counselling for myself without a doubt. I need it. I don't respond well to antidepressants and have definitely hit the clinically depressed point from the past 6 months, but don't feel safe even speaking to the NHS doctors about it. But that is in part because of the "home life" being extra challenging on top of everything else w/ health and job.

yeah and just the stress of moving countries in general is enough to do it.