I need a backbone.

I've been having a lot of stressful days at the nursery, and it's clearly due to one person-who is my room leader-taking advantage of me. I need to know how to be a bit tougher, and "not so nice", so that people like her won't walk all over me all the time. Trouble is, I've always been this way, and I've always thought that it's just easier to sort of just go with the flow. On the other hand, this person seems to like barking orders at me, whilst doing nothing herself. I didn't realise it till tonight, but, other work mates have noticed it as well. I've mentioned the situation to a person who is in a higher managerial position than the room leader, but, I don't know if anything will be solved. How can I adapt myself to work with this sort of person, so that I still keep my integrity, but, don't get over shadowed or taken advantage of further?

 I feel for you- Not an easy situation to be in. I used to be a very non-confrontational person (still am for the most part) but I had a similar situation happen to me, and I think the way I handled it worked out well for me.  This woman I worked with was lazy, and complained a lot about how I did things, and how we split the workload (she wanted the easier jobs obviously) I let most things slide and kept my mouth shut for a long time, however I wasn't happy and was becoming more angry at her as I held everything in.  Others noticed her behavior as well, and they encouraged me to speak up and defend myself. 

  Finally one day I did just that.  During a break I took her aside and explained to her that I felt an obvious tension when we worked together, and I wanted to sort things out.  She was defensive at first, I think the fact that I confronted her took her aback, but I wasn't rude or accusing.  I very matter of fact-ly pointed out what I had noticed and how it made me feel, then I let her respond. In the end, although it was an uncomfortable conversation to have, it cleared the air and we were able to work together civilly. She never was really friendly, but I think she knew I was aware of her poor attitude and calling her on it made her keep it in check.

   Just an idea- Hope things work out for you.

Good for you, for trying to change a pattern that is not working for you.
I think Smashley has a really important point - try to take the emotion out of the issue.  I'm not saying that is easy, but if you can do it, it really feels less "loaded."
If you can find a "greater good", like less tension in the room for the kids or a better work environment for all, that you would both be likely to want to work toward, that might be a way in.  And using "I" statements is key, rather than "you" statements. 

I taught communication to other physicians in my "previous" life -  and role played difficult conversations with them one on one all the time.  Feel free to PM me if you want to work through this one.  It sounds like a worthwhile challenge.   Good luck!

No advice, but I think we all have tough situations at work from time to time.  I hope you find a solution that makes your work environment a bit more pleasant for you! 

On the other hand, this person seems to like barking orders at me, whilst doing nothing herself. 

The next time she is barking orders at you & I assume you are already doing something when that happens, perhaps you could calmly say something such as - 'I'm sorry but I am doing <this> right now.  If that needs to be done before I finish <this>, perhaps you could lend me a hand or get someone else to help with <whatever>.  When I'm finished here, then I'll be happy to <whatever>.'

I know easier said than done!  When I've had problems such as that at work - like being given immediately conflicting priorities, DH helped me figure out how to put it back on their (the manager's, the one barking orders, etc) shoulders.  'Ok, well if I stop this now & do that, then this won't be getting done.  Which do you think is most important for me to accomplish today, because I won't have enough time for both, etc....' 

The next time she is barking orders at you & I assume you are already doing something when that happens, perhaps you could calmly say something such as - 'I'm sorry but I am doing <this> right now.  If that needs to be done before I finish <this>, perhaps you could lend me a hand or get someone else to help with <whatever>.  When I'm finished here, then I'll be happy to <whatever>.'

I know easier said than done!  When I've had problems such as that at work - like being given immediately conflicting priorities, DH helped me figure out how to put it back on their (the manager's, the one barking orders, etc) shoulders.  'Ok, well if I stop this now & do that, then this won't be getting done.  Which do you think is most important for me to accomplish today, because I won't have enough time for both, etc....' 

This is the approach I would normally take. I'd just say, "I'm sorry, but I really need to finish what I am working on now. I'd be happy to help you with that as soon as I am finished here, if you want to go ahead and get started on it."  Or something to that effect. It basically shows that you are in control of your own work and will help do other things if you can, but won't just be doing someone else's work for them while they sit around and do nothing. Otherwise, I'd go with what Smashley said and get into a direct conversation. I'd start by saying that I felt we could improve on the way in which we work with each other, and ask her if she has some ideas as to how we could approach it in a different way, and make some suggestions of my own. It may be uncomfortable, but she will definitely know that you aren't a doormat once you have that conversation. 

When I've had problems such as that at work - like being given immediately conflicting priorities, DH helped me figure out how to put it back on their (the manager's, the one barking orders, etc) shoulders.  'Ok, well if I stop this now & do that, then this won't be getting done.  Which do you think is most important for me to accomplish today, because I won't have enough time for both, etc....'  

This is 100% my suggestion and how I have to deal with my similar work issues.  I am often asked to drop my planned (and often urgent) work to deal with things my colleagues haven't planned.  For those above my level, I tell them if they now want x done, then y won't get done - which would they prefer. For those at my level, I tell them sorry, I already am working on x and if they need y done, they either need to wait until I am finished or choose to complete the work without me - again, which would they prefer.

This has really worked for me and has really opened they eyes of my colleagues, mostly on how they are bad at planning or have no idea what work I have.

Thanks for all of the suggestions! I think tomorrow, I'll try,  "I'm doing x right now, I'll do y in a minute.....", just for the sake of doing something different for the first time. It's like learning to walk and talk again, because I'm still not sure of other people and vice versa. If the room leader keeps on the way she is now, I'm going to use Smashley's idea. She did pull me aside last week for a chat, but all she did was moan about how much she has to contend with, and told me that I needed to "man up". Not great leadership skills, I think, but I suppose it takes all sorts in the world.

Good luck!

Good luck!

Thanks again! I didn't have to work with the room leader today. She was with a different group today, and we had the lady who usually works with the preschoolers. It was a much,much better day today. They've switched groups all week this week,actually. So, I'm guessing something new really is being tried out. I don't mind in the least, because for the first time, in a long time at work, I've been able to be myself.

Thanks again! I didn't have to work with the room leader today. She was with a different group today, and we had the lady who usually works with the preschoolers. It was a much,much better day today. They've switched groups all week this week,actually. So, I'm guessing something new really is being tried out. I don't mind in the least, because for the first time, in a long time at work, I've been able to be myself.

That's fantastic!!  Maybe if they do some shifting around and move her to other rooms her true working habits will come to light and the main manager will step in a bit more with her.  Glad you had such a good day today.  Work is such a big part of people's lives, I think it makes such a big difference if you happy or unhappy there.