Need advice - divorce/custody/domestic violence

Hiya,

I'm really in need of some good advice. I moved to the UK in Nov 2007 on a fiance visa with my two boys from a previous relationship. I've since married my British husband and had a little girl who is now two. The problem is my husband has a very bad temper and verbal and physical abuse became more severe once I became pregnant with my daughter. It's been a few months since he's put his hands on me though as I finally told friends as well as his family. He can still be very intimidating and we can never talk about anything without him totally losing his temper and if he doesn't hurt me, he normally breaks something of mine. I've noticed that since standing up for myself, he seems obsessed with disciplining my 13 year old son. He's always having a go at him and finding reasons to do so. My son has been acting out and I believe it's down to that. Plus, my children have witnessed the way he has treated me and that's not healthy.

Today my 13 year old hit his younger brother, which is not acceptable and my husband told my 13 year old "Try hitting me" and then I heard a scuffle (I was putting my daughter down for a nap in another room) and I heard my 13 yr old saying "Why did you punch me?" When I came out of the room my husband was going down the stairs and my son was in his room in tears. My husband punched my son in his upper arm. There was no mark that I could see, but I think it's totally unacceptable as well. You don't tell a child to not hit his brother and then hit him for it.

I've tried so hard to make this relationship work. Even after the many many lies that I have uncovered. When I first met my husband, he said he was in the RAF. He even had a picture of himself in uniform. Shortly after moving over here I found out that was a lie. He has told the children about flying jets and everything and it was just a big lie. I felt sorry for him and thought he must have really low self-esteem to make up such a lie.

Feeling sorry for him became a pattern. He'd do something/say something or I''d find something out and feel sorry for him - he can always turn it around to where you somehow feel sorry for him.

I just want to take my children and go home to the states, but I don't know what my rights are. It would be so much easier to go home and file for divorce and custody as I have nobody here and am very dependent on my husband.

Must I file for divorce and custody of my daughter in the UK or can I file back in my home state of Florida? I believe my daughter qualifies for US citizenship. Can that be applied for in the states? My life might be total hell if I have to go through this on my own here in the UK. How long could it take if I do file here?

Thanks in advance

Get out now.  Or at least start making concrete plans that are realistic.

If he has started hitting your son it is not going to stop.  Not that it ever was.  You do not want your children to think that this is normal.

Contact your local Citizens Advice Bureau or Refuge on 0808 2000 247.  

Your main issue will be custody of your daughter.  You can get a divorce in the US, but you can't just take your daughter out of the UK.  Please contact CAB and get some advice on all of your options.  

Definitely get out now.

I just wanted to add that yes, your daughter is a US citizen, but you are going to need to sort out her passport before you leave the UK. She can't enter the US without it. It's not hard, but it will involve a trip to the embassy. 

Definitely get out now.

I just wanted to add that yes, your daughter is a US citizen, but you are going to need to sort out her passport before you leave the UK. She can't enter the US without it. It's not hard, but it will involve a trip to the embassy.  

Just to add to this, here is a link http://travel.state.gov/law/citizenship/citizenship_5199.html

http://travel.state.gov/law/family_issues/birth/birth_593.html

If you haven't already, you need to register the birth of your daughter with the US authorities as soon as possible.

Also, you don't deserve this!  You moved over for a man you thought you knew.  You tried, you now know it isn't you, it is him.

Your kids don't deserve this either.  They do deserve their mom confident and at her best and you can't be that where you are now.  But you can be that for them in the future.  

You won't be able to just take your daughter away from her father to another country without his consent or a custody agreement.  As others have said you need to get out right away and be sure that you get full custody of her and have evidence of that before you leave.   

You have been really brave in coming here and asking for help. No one should have to put up with any abuse.

Everyone has put up good information. If you want domestic abuse specific support Women's Aid is a good place to start: 0808 2000 247. If you go on their website it can direct you to support in your area. Women's Aid provides more than just refuge, they can also offer you support in staying safe and leaving when you are ready.

I'm so sorry your going through this- I've been in the situation as well, and it's the hardest thing I ever went through.. Get out- shelter, family or friends- and press charges if he puts his hands on you or your kids again. It's tough to prove abuse unless you have documentation unfortunately.  Good luck.