It Gets Better -- The UKY Version

A place to share those stories of hardship upon moving to the UK, and to reassure new arrivals that it won't always be this hard. Describe how you felt when you first arrived, and then write a little about your life now. How long did it all take, and what are the key pieces of advice you would give to someone fresh off the plane?

Why don't you have the first go, DAD? 

OK!

I'm from the UK originally, and some of you may remember me having some pretty major difficulties during the first six or nine months after I moved over to the UK (after 10 years in the States) with my American wife and US-born children. I spent a lot of time regretting the move, missing the people and places I had left behind, and just generally feeling like I had made the wrong decision and now my whole family had been dragged into my mistake.

People on here advised me to give it time and I have to admit it was nice to have the support, but hard to hear that I was going to just have to wait.

Still, 18 months on from the move, I feel that things have gotten better in some ways. We're down in Sussex now, both gainfully employed, so not feeling the financial pinch quite so badly. We're not exactly socking away money -- and in fact most months we end up with almost exactly the same amount of money in the bank at the end as we had at the beginning -- but neither do I feel like we're frittering away our savings. We're slowly meeting people, and although I wouldn't say we had any superamazing or close friends, we do have a fair few people who we hang out with from time to time. It's nothing like the community we left behind in the States, but it's something, and could turn into more.

Things that we're really liking are the warm sunny weather (ahhh, the south coast!) and the general exploring around that we've been doing. We're trying to take full advantage of all the stuff that's right on our doorstep, and so we've been hiking around the south Downs, going to the seaside, wandering around villages, going to weird and wonderful events, and just generally getting into the swing of things. We're looking at getting a tent, and will be doing some festivals this summer. We also want to take more advantage of being close to Europe -- we had an amazing time in Paris just before Xmas, and are pondering a jaunt to Greece or Turkey this summer.

I still miss the States a lot, and I do occasionally scan the web for jobs over there, but I am doing this much less than I used to (every few weeks when it occurs to me, instead of every day without fail). In other words, it is getting better, gradually...

Well done, DAD!  I remember you.  I agree it takes time - for me, it was about three years settling in...seemed a long time back then, but seven years on - I wonder where the time went?!

This website was a huge help to me - huge!!!

Hope some others post their experiences too.  Great thread!

I might add to, at some point, but I think most folks already know my story & I've blathered on enough about it. 

Mrs Robinson--I don't think I have heard your story yet, ramble away

I'll bite.

I have only been in the UK since Autumn 2009 and by the end of one year, I had loads of ups and downs. Lots of moments of 'I'm ok, I like it here,' and others of 'when am I gonna get out of this damn place!' Last year, I also had some terrible trouble with finances and that really tore into me. I look back on some of the mad posts I had made last year and realize now that those were just my insecurities at the time.

This year, I feel much more at ease with myself. My finances are sorted and that alone brings so much relief. I think one critical gain I have over last year is experience and that can only be had with time. Though within a short while I learned how to navigate on the tubes, it's only after a year that it feels like second nature. It still feels weird sometimes to cross the road, but I'm more experienced with looking the other way.

Since my beginning in the UK, I have taken up parkour which allows me to look at this city in a whole new way. I have always lived in a concrete jungle, but now the architecture gives me obstacles, a new means of traveling about the city rather than feeling trapped by high walls, gates, and other barriers.

I have two good friends here who after hearing I have a bad day make it their mission to cheer me up. I don't know what I would do with them and I feel so fortunate to have found them so quickly.

I do miss the states, especially when I'm revising for exams or when I have to write lots of essays I'm planning a visit soon and I'm not dreading it nor overly excited for it. But I am happy to go back and I am already happy to come back to London. I still have my troublesome days and I may not be fully adapted to here yet, but at least for now, I am happy

I got a job offer to London back in spring of 2004 and moved here in the summer.  I moved in with a colleague which turned out to be a bad idea.  I had a bad patch in the beginning because my flatmate started to spread rumours about me around my job, which made being here on my own quite painful. 

I had joined a field hockey club early on and that was my saving grace.  I had a fun group of people to hang out with every weekend (or sometimes during the week) and ended up meeting my husband through one of the people there.

I now am married, a home owner, still at my job (which is much better as the people there figured out that the rumours were wrong and that I am quite a perfectly okay person).  I play field hockey and cricket.  I have a wide range of friends from a variety of groups I've joined.

The one thing I would tell people to do when they arrive here is to join things - book clubs, sporting groups, even getting together with people from here.  Reach out and ask people to go out for a coffee or drink.  It's rare that someone will turn you down.  It's really what helped me to adjust and feel more at home.

I'll go!  Because, for anyone struggling and reading this, it does get better.  I've been here for five years (on June 7th!!!!!).

I first came here as a student, and I LOVED it.  I had to leave due to a bank error but really wanted to get back.  I'd met my husband while here and we got close and then decided to get married.  I came back to England, expecting it to be the same whirlwind of fun things like when I was a student.  It was absolutely nothing like when I was here as a student.  I did not have a job and I spent much of my time alone.  And about 9 months in, my grandmother who spent a lot of time helping to raise me, died.  It was really tough and I began questioning if I should really be here.  Luckily, dh's friends were warm and welcoming and I had met most of them in the three months I spent as a student.  I still did not have many friends of my own.  I did two UK-Y Leeds meet-ups, one where I met Mrs. R. who took me under her wing a bit and has introduced me to other lovely people.     I finally got a full-time job, which provided me with two friends who have since left the area but it was great hanging out with them while they were here. 

Our core group of friends are still dh's but a few I have made my own.  I even went back to complete the degree I had to leave before and made another good friend  and the degree helped me find a job that I like with a group of people I really enjoy working with.  But, like onetiger said, when the girls of dh's friend group would invite me to do something, I'd go even if it did not sound like something I always wanted to do.  I also volunteered and have found friendly people that way who helped me find new opportunities not just for fun evening jobs using my history degrees, but have helped me tap into resources and find things to do with dull Saturdays. 

I may have always felt a special flutter when I landed in England, but it's taken lots of hard work and trial and error to find a life that for the most part, I love to pieces.  It does get better as you get used to the way things work here but you can't just wait for it to come to you.  If you try everything from groups to volunteering and UK-Y meet-ups, it will get lots better.  But, it takes time and for me it took probably about a year to 18 months for me to get my British feet under me.  Good luck to everyone trying to adapt!!

OK, here goes.  My story will be different than most. A lot of you already know my story, so bear with me. 

I moved here in August of 2008 and married in October.  My DH had health issues and I was a stay at home care giver for him.  I didn't work outside of the home, join clubs or organizations or even go any where for more than an hour or two at a time as I didn't like to leave him alone.  I felt my life was perfect though as I was so in love.  My DH passed away in March of 2009 and my world turned upside down. 

I had been added as a joint tenant with him on a secured tenancy agreement in a sheltered accommodation.  As he had taken care of all our bills and stuff, I wasn't even sure what these things meant.  Unfortunately, the support service worker here has never been helpful to me and was unhappy that I was here.  I really think she actively worked to get me out of here.  I struggled to find out what I was legally entitled to and after a year, I now know that my accommodation is in fact secure.  On that issue I can now rest.

Shortly after my DH passed, my elderly MIL took a fall and broke her arm in two places.  Even though there are other family members here, no one was in a position to help her out.  Since I had not yet found a job, I have taken on a carer's role for her now.  Only after seeing her on a daily basis did I become aware of how much help she really needed.  No one else knew either.  She's a proud woman who doesn't like to ask for anything.  I love her to death and would do anything in the world for her.

However, that means that my integration into the British society has been put on hold even longer.  I still can not hold a job outside the home nor can I join groups or activities.  I have not been in a position to make friends or socialize in any way other than with family members.  It gets quite lonely.  With that loneliness comes homesickness. I really miss coming and going at will back home.  I miss having relationships with other people.  I miss getting in my car and driving wherever I want to go.  (I don't drive in this country or even have a car). I miss my kids and grand kids.  I miss the feeling of BELONGING.

Would I do it all over again?  You betcha.  The 17 months I had with my wonderful DH was worth every single bit of it.  The time I spend with MIL makes me realize it even more.  There is just no way I could move away and leave her alone.

I am 55 years old in two weeks.  I sold or gave away everything I owned to move here.  I have no life to move back too.  This IS my life now.  It just seems to be on hold for the time being.  I would LOVE to be able to have a job (of ANY sort!), to make friends, to visit other places, to get to know Britain.  All of those things will come at a cost though.  Because I know that I will only be able to do them if I were to loose Mom.  And I can't bear that thought.  Maybe one day I can start to live for my own self again.

Lisa (and anyone else who is acting as a carer):

Have you ever heard of an organization called Crossroads?

My DH used to work for them.

They have qualified, trained carers who will come to your house and take care of the person who needs care, so that you can get out and do something for yourself.

According to the website,they have schemes in and around Kent.

Someone from Crossroads would be able to come to your house and take care of your MIL for a few hours a week while you joined a club, took a class or just spent some time walking around window shopping or exploring.

Why not give them a call?

I want to contribute to this thread, but I lead a charmed life! My move here was smooth as anything, and my life has fallen into place beautifully from the day I landed here! My husband and I married in 1999 after a two a half year long distance relationship that was the most fun thing ever! We spent our LDR between NYC, Manchester & London, and we had a blast! We enjoyed the relationship when we were together, and even when we were apart, it was the most exciting thing ever!

Once we got married, we moved to Manchester within about a week, and believe it or not, everything just worked out brilliantly! We barely had to do any immigration paperwork, because when we got married, we just had to fill out a form and go to the UK Embassy in NYC, pay a fee, and I was welcomed into Britain with open arms! When I got ILR one year later, I just had to send a check and a simple form. Those were the days! Anyway, we flew over, within a month we started the process of buying our house, I got sent on a temp job where I met my BFF Rosemary, I only just left that temp job in Feb of this year to become a SAHM! We just worked and travelled and had fun until our first child was born in 2006, and another little nipper joined us in 2010...Pretty good huh? I do often think I am the luckiest girl in the world!! I found making friends and feeling like I belonged pretty easy, I am pretty outgoing and positive, so I am not afraid to talk to anyone, ask for their email address or number and make the first move to make friends!

Ahywhoo, twelve years on, two kids later, I still love my husband, my kids, my house etc...Life is just getting better and better for me! Although, a lottery win wouldn't go amiss!!!  

I really hope there are some other people who have just had great experiences here from day one! I feel like the only one sometimes!!!

My only advice would be to remember that other people won't make the first move to become friends, or to offer you things, so don't be afraid to be forward, if they don't like you, heck, they aren't worth it! Be independant from your spouse, have your own life outside of your partner. Learn to drive (if you need to) that can change your life seriously. Remember that you can make your own luck, and you are responsible for your own happiness! Go out there and find it!

My story is mostly like racheeeee's. I moved to Wales in 2003 and had an instant network of friends and family and a busy social life. I'd never been happier in my entire life. In 2004, I met my husband, who lived in Cornwall. We did the long-distance (six-hour drive) thing for about five years - it was hard, but when we weren't together I was still living my blissful Welsh life, so it was OK.

Then in 2008, I moved down here to Cornwall.

And reality hit.

I hated it. I had no friends. I didn't know anyone. I had nothing to do. I missed my friends. I cried every day. We were living with the inlaws and I was absolutely miserable. I finally understood the despair that a lot of UKYers feel on moving over here.

But it's now 2011 and things couldn't be more different. It did take about a year and a half, but I'm completely settled now. I have more friends than ever, I'm involved in so many groups and activities and social events and I rarely have a free day in my diary. Life is really really good.

My advice is to get involved. Do things. Join things. Figure out what you're interested in and find other like-minded people. If there's nothing around for you to join, start your own group. In both Wales and Cornwall, I started local book groups. My old Welsh one is still thriving in my absence, and my Cornish one has 10 members after starting only about a year ago.

Racheeeee's right. You've got to make your own happiness. Circumstances are often beyond our control, but happiness isn't. It's right there. Just grab it.

I love this thread! Keep it coming. Definitely a great resource for newbies. Someone should sticky it.

Racheeee I'm with you! It was difficult being away from my dad when he had cancer and subsequently died, and it's hard being away from my mum, but I'd prefer if she could move here, and if I never set foot in the US again I really don't think I'd be bothered. I've felt at home here since the moment I arrived. That in no way diminishes the experiences of people who struggle, but it is possible just to arrive and things work out from the start. I think it mostly depends on why you come, where you live, your work, the people around you, etc., but also your attitude and ability to take things in stride.

Racheeee I'm with you! It was difficult being away from my dad when he had cancer and subsequently died, and it's hard being away from my mum, but I'd prefer if she could move here, and if I never set foot in the US again I really don't think I'd be bothered. I've felt at home here since the moment I arrived. That in no way diminishes the experiences of people who struggle, but it is possible just to arrive and things work out from the start. I think it mostly depends on why you come, where you live, your work, the people around you, etc., but also your attitude and ability to take things in stride.

My experience was similar to racheeeee and SuperL.  Although the first six months were hard financially and we were living with my in-laws, I never experienced the homesickness that some get.  There are things that I miss, of course, but I've lived lots of places and miss something from each of them.  I do think it's harder for people who have close family ties and communities in the US, though they would have the same problems adjusting to a different place in the same country, for the same reasons.  My family is spread all over the US, and I moved from Wisconsin to New York to California, as well as Japan, France, and the Czech Republic, so I was pretty well used to adjusting to a new place and to being away from my family and friends before I settled in the UK. 

Yeah, racheee I too haven't really wanted to post in this tread, but since you started talking about things falling into place- I am too another one who has nothing but fun and friends and love and a great time since moving here 3.5 years ago.  I have an incredibly busy social life, I am involved in so much, I have so much fun and it's really a good life.  I love my life!  I moved and said "I am home!"

That said, It's not been all roses, but life is not roses!!!  I've had my bouts of serious depression (something that I've struggled with my whole life- and was/is not specific to moving) and I also got seriously ill 8 months after moving and took another 2 years to sort out before finally finding the best rheumatologist on the planet who has finally got me feeling much better.  So my really good advice for both depression and horrible/crappy health issues is to find a GP who really listens to you and will fight for you. They're worth their weight in gold.

I met my boyfriend about 9 months after moving here- and I attempted to move in with him about 9 months after that, and that was a horrible, horrible disaster that left me homeless and living on my friend's sofa for several months. We've managed to survive but we definitely don't live together, even 2 years later.  I can read a lot into that, but I'm not going to right now. Its fun and I'm happy and that's all that matters at the moment.  But I am for sure not one to give relationship advice!!!! I don't know how ya'll do the long distance thing for years on end and then move here!

And remember its OK to grieve your old life.  It's a huge loss for what was.  You may have had to give up your home, family situation, possessions, friends,  clubs, etc -and its OK and normal to feel a loss. Its also normal to feel lost, uneasy, or confused and worried. I've been there before as well in moves.  It really can take time sometimes to find your feet and land upright. That's OK- its not a race and its not a game and its your life and we're all different!

My only advice would be to remember that other people won't make the first move to become friends, or to offer you things, so don't be afraid to be forward, if they don't like you, heck, they aren't worth it! Be independant from your spouse, have your own life outside of your partner. Learn to drive (if you need to) that can change your life seriously. Remember that you can make your own luck, and you are responsible for your own happiness! Go out there and find it!

My advice is to get involved. Do things. Join things. Figure out what you're interested in and find other like-minded people. If there's nothing around for you to join, start your own group. In both Wales and Cornwall, I started local book groups. My old Welsh one is still thriving in my absence, and my Cornish one has 10 members after starting only about a year ago.
Racheeeee's right. You've got to make your own happiness. Circumstances are often beyond our control, but happiness isn't. It's right there. Just grab it.

Couldn't agree more with both of these things!!  Find your own thing, get involved, join clubs, get out, even site-seeing, walking...

And don't ever forget to celebrate your achievements-however small you think they are-   learning how to take the bus on your own, get your license, shopping for yourself in tesco (or even better knowing where to find something and be in and out in 5 minutes!), not freaking out when ordering a drink in the pub,  finding a new ingredient or food you love now, finding a new tv show, getting a library card, speaking to a stranger, finally getting your way and point across with the council/BT/Virgin/British Gas, meeting a new friend, learning a new word, finally realising you can identify the coins by size/shape alone.  Celebrate this!! You've earned it!