It Gets Better -- The UKY Version

And don't ever forget to celebrate your achievements-however small you think they are-   learning how to take the bus on your own, get your license, shopping for yourself in tesco (or even better knowing where to find something and be in and out in 5 minutes!), not freaking out when ordering a drink in the pub,  finding a new ingredient or food you love now, finding a new tv show, getting a library card, speaking to a stranger, finally getting your way and point across with the council/BT/Virgin/British Gas, meeting a new friend, learning a new word, finally realising you can identify the coins by size/shape alone.  Celebrate this!! You've earned it!  

Yup, what she said. Thats awesome. Don't be afraid to blow your own horn, no one else is going to blow it for you!!!

I think I'm a bizarre hybrid of the two categories that seem to be going on here! 

I moved over here 1 year and 8 months ago and was launched straight into a full-time masters course.  I settled right in with virtually no homesickness.  Sure, I'd get frustrated when I couldn't understand a Glaswegian accent, or when I couldn't find something in the supermarket, but otherwise I was happy happy happy.  I was studying a subject I love, seeing my BF all the time, made some great new friends and was going out all the time.  Really, I was so busy that I simply didn't have time to get homesick, nor a reason, because everything was great.

Once my course was finished and I moved in with my BF, just outside Glasgow, things became a lot different.  I wasn't able to see my friends all the time, I had a couple of crappy temp jobs and then no job (which I still don't have), my money has run out, and I couldn't go home for the holidays because I had to apply for my visa, and didn't have my passport...

I was hit hard with delayed homesickness.  I was quite depressed, thinking about what my friends in the US were doing, thinking about jobs I could apply for there, etc. It was really tough.  I got my first migraine ever, which I am 99% certain can be attributed to how stressed and tense I was.

But for the last 2 months, things have gotten a lot better and I'm feeling like I'm pretty much back to where I was.  I realised that, even though I didn't have a paid job, I was still lucky enough to have a volunteer position in my field that really lifts my spirits everytime I get to go in for it.  I stopped taking some medication that wasn't helping me feel good about anything, I started making a point of making plans with my friends here, I made sure I got out of the house, I learned how to make things I've never been able to before.

Like everyone has said, the difference is in what you make of it.  I think if there is one thing my situation shows, it's that being happy and being upset about being here is almost entirely reliant on how much you have going on in your life.  You have to not give yourself the chance to sit at home and dwell on how lonely you are or how much better it would be if you had stayed in the US.  You have to make it better here, build your life here in such a way that it will make you love it. 

It takes time, and a lot of effort, but if you stay the course, don't take rejection or slow progress too personally or to heart, things really do get so much better. You just have to let them!

I would say my adjustment (way back when ...) was fairly easy. The chief problem was not being able to find a job in my field at a professional level (having said that, I haven't been able to back in the States either  ) Once I had kids I joined child-oriented groups (NCT, Tufty Club, playgroup, etc.) which meant I met other mums. But, in a way, this also made me miss my parents more. I became very concerned about making sure my kids were aware of their dual heritage and maybe that was a mistake. Maybe we all would have adjusted better if we concentrated on being "British"!  Eventually, I began to do things that I was interested in (taking drawing classes, for example) and was beginning to feel at home.
Anyway, now I have to think about adjusting once again but at a different life stage. It's going to be interesting!

I moved over when I was on the verge of turning 40 years old, so a bit older than some & I didn't have an already established group of extended family & friends to start out with, like what Chary did.  I moved over to get married to my English DH, arriving at the end of March & we got married in mid-August 2004.  I remember when I initially arrived - first there was all the excitement of planning our wedding, followed by which we applied for & obtained my spousal visa, then immediately went on our honeymoon, then it was Thanksgiving (I went back to the US that year for it) & Christmas/New Year's, and then we bought a house.  So all sorts of exciting stuff right off the bat, which took up most of my time & energy.  I was also kind of worn out when I moved over here, having gone through some tough things in the two years leading up to when I moved over - putting both my mom & my grandma into full-time nursing home care & related trauma/depression over things to do with that, as well as some other issues.  I was emotionally & mentally exhausted, and I remember sleeping a lot in the beginning - lol!

Anyway, once we'd got through the wedding, the spousal visa, the honeymoon, the holidays & buying the house, and it was time to settle down to real life & the 'vacation' part was over - wham, reality hit.  Of course, I was lonely & felt self conscious and a lack of confidence about so many things - feeling like I had to learn how to do everything all over again at the age of 40 - shopping, driving, how to speak, you name it!  I had always been one in the US who knew how to get stuff done, independent, took care of other people, drove everywhere, etc - and here I felt like I didn't know how to do anything and wondered if I ever would.

Not always easy, but it was a good learning experience in that I learned how to keep my own company a lot better - which was something I needed for myself, as I had always tended to surround myself with others (after my childhood), rarely spending time by myself.  Now I had plenty of time to myself.  And also, learning how to let someone else (DH) take care of me - which was a big change too.

I didn't rush finding a job either.  As I recall, I did a handful of temp jobs (not many) and then in July 2005, I got my first job at a pension administration company.  Worked there for about 6 months (until the end of 2005/early 2006) & hated it.  Believe me, there were many, many tears of frustration shed over when/if I'd ever find work here that I liked & that suited me.  What I did in the US last (which I'd enjoyed), well if it's done here at all, it's probably down in London somewhere, and I don't live in London.  After I quit the pension company, I took another 'career break' , for about 6 months until I found a job at the same place that I still work now - 5 years later.  It's okay, but it's not great.  But a job is a job is a job.  I've got some good mates there, however, so that part is good.

This website (UKY) was great for me.  I started organising some UKY meetups - we had a mixed response at first, only a few people came out.  Then we had a HUGE meetup back in August 2006, where maybe 30 or so people came -- that's where a lot of us (here in Yorkshire) first met IRL & a lot of us kept in touch and became RL friends from there.  My best friends here are all people I met through UKY, quite a few other British-American couples like ourselves plus a few others that aren't couples or aren't American at all.  Then I stopped doing the formal/organised meetups because really we were getting to know so many people so fast, that I couldn't keep track of everyone any longer!  And we had something going on what seemed like every single weekend that we didn't have any downtime just for us (DH and me).  Time for someone else to take hold of that organising meetups baton, I reckon.  

It was about 3 years in before I really felt settled & like I had most of my life back, but I put off learning how to drive for 5 years!  TBH, I never saw moving back to the US as a viable option though - so the sooner I stopped comparing & pining for a life back there, it was really better for me.  I mean I didn't own any property in the US, I'd quit my job, sold my car, adopted out my cat to my BF back in the US, and my family ties weren't as close as DH's are to his family.  (Also, I really hope I'm done with moving!)  Oh & I had never (by any stretch of the imagination) ever really been 'well off' in the US, so there isn't any compelling reason at all to ever move back there.  I had already uprooted my life once in moving from Kansas to Florida, and actually it took me longer to settle in there & make friends than it did for me to do it here.  Both took time & patience - maybe because I had done it before, I had a realistic expectation of just how long that could take?  DH was always a good shoulder to cry on & a sensible sounding board - whenever I'd take up with 'oh why is it like this here?!  oh why are British/English people like thus & so?!'...he was always the first one to gently challenge my assumptions/conclusions & help me to see that you just can't generalise like that - so many things that happen are down to specific people & specific experiences as opposed to painting something with a broad biased cultural stroke.

Now I've been here for 7 years, and I feel less & less of an expat anymore, and more just like I live here just like anyone else.  I don't think that much about being an expat anymore, if that makes any sense?  I think this is a great thing.  And I'm grateful for all my local girlies, like MLG, Andee, HME, persephone, and others, plus all the fabulous UKY peeps I've met all over the country when we've been on our travels here & there.

And I am so glad I moved here!!  My life in the US - well I can't imagine it would ever have been as fabulous as my life is here.  A lot of that is down to finding the right guy - DH, who I never thought I'd find & he showed up late too!  We are peas in a pod.  

And I am so glad I moved here!!  My life in the US - well I can't imagine it would ever have been as fabulous as my life is here.

This made me cry.   
I've been back in the US for nearly 3 months now and every morning I wish I could go home to England.  I guess the grass is always greener etc. 

This made me cry.   
I've been back in the US for nearly 3 months now and every morning I wish I could go home to England.  I guess the grass is always greener etc. 

Oh I'm sorry, D.  I didn't mean to make you cry. 

I hope things improve for you & you figure out what is the best solution for you & M. 

Thank you C.  It will get better, it's just not at all what I expected.  I sure do miss Yorkshire.

And don't ever forget to celebrate your achievements-however small you think they are-   learning how to take the bus on your own, get your license, shopping for yourself in tesco (or even better knowing where to find something and be in and out in 5 minutes!), not freaking out when ordering a drink in the pub,  finding a new ingredient or food you love now, finding a new tv show, getting a library card, speaking to a stranger, finally getting your way and point across with the council/BT/Virgin/British Gas, meeting a new friend, learning a new word, finally realising you can identify the coins by size/shape alone.  Celebrate this!! You've earned it!  

You are all going to think I'm mad, but when I first moved here,  I was once in the car with DH, and he stopped in front of a chip shop and asked me to run in and get food for us. The person at the counter couldn't understand me and for some reason, I was traumatized by this.

I think it may have been years before I would order something from a chip shop by myself. I would eat fish and chips, and I would stand next to DH while he ordered for both of us, but I would never order by myself.

So now whenever I order fish and chips by myself (there's a shop right around the corner from where we live now), I'm secretly very proud of myself.

Like my friend and neighbor ( ) Mrs. R., I came to live here when I was over 40.  So I also had a very well established network of friends back in the US.  I had a job that was terrific (I loved it and they loved me), and loads of friends. 

But I was so excited to move to England as it was my all-time second choice (Ireland is my first!) of place to live.  But, like Mrs. R. says, the honeymoon period lasts only so long.

I got a job but it was hell.  My manager was mean, controlling, and a bully.  Some of the other people I worked with were also racist  and I felt really out of place there.  Most everyone was b*itchy and negative and I was soooooo stressed out all of the time.

It was also taking me ages to find friends (Mrs. R. and mapleleafgirl were my only two) and I couldn't find anyone to play music with either other than my hubby. 

I'd get jealous whenever hubby went out on work do's that I wasn't invited to because it only underlined just how much I had left behind in the US friend-wise.  I didn't feel very comfy with most of his friends (yet) and didn't really click with their wives and partners either.

Well, three years later I now have my own friends (Mrs. R. and mapleleafgirl are among the closest ones) and another set of music friends, plus am working in a different shop (same company though) with a much better calibre of folks--positive, supportive and basically easy to get along with--my manager and the others.  Plus no-one is racist or a bully or mean!

I miss my old job, nothing will ever compare to it and my old friends in the US, but many of my old friends have not been very good at keeping in touch (I make a big effort but it is not returned as I'd like it to be  ), so I'm living in the present and making the most of my life now. 

New chapter, new country, new adventures!  It *does* get better! 

Yesterday I typed a long answer to this and when I went to post, it disappeared.  Today I re-typed it and when I posted I got the message that "I wasn't a user so couldn't reply" or something like that even though I'm logged in,  and once again my post was lost.    So frustrating.

What I wanted to say (in summary) was that it got better for me. 

What I wanted to say (in summary) was that it got better for me. 

I think you can do better than that! 

It took ages for me, but I finally got my identity back again.

Moved here in 2007 age 25, living with in-laws. Home was a nightmare: SIL was a big bully, MIL passive aggressive. Couldn't use Internet/read/watch TV due to SIL (she ran everything). Just sat in large room like prison all day with family cat (who was like an angel to me).

First job was a nightmare with everyone bullying everyone (not a day went by where someone wasn't in tears). Company KGB monitored our every move but never stepped in when I was being bullied or harassed. Did overtime to avoid going home, passed out from fatigue on bus several times. Ugh.

Spent hours crying, had nightmares about stuff or dreams about being back in the US. Husband didn't do much, guess he felt conflicted.

Second year better. Moved out soon later. It was like heaven.

Now have good temporary job, live in great area, one or two friends (perfect for me). I've become alundra again -- I have my identity now. I have a hairdresser, a fav. supermarket, places I like to go, restaurants I like to eat at, fav. takeaway.

I think you can do better than that! 

OK, I'll try again.  But if it gets deleted when I try to post...grrr.

My situation was similar to that of Arthur Dent, which is why I sympathised with him and his family when they moved over.  I met my English husband in the US and we lived there for over ten years.  Both our children were born there, and we had built a happy life for ourselves with jobs, friends, schools, etc.  My husband had never intended to move to the US permanently though, and we'd always agreed to give the UK a chance "someday".  Eventually my husband started looking for jobs in England and when he got a good offer we felt it was sort of "now or never".

If we ever experienced a "honeymoon period" in our move to the UK, it must have only lasted about a day after we arrived.  After what had already been a traumatic move involving a long period of separation and stress, we arrived in England to be separated again.  For 2 months my husband had to live in a small rented bedroom in an attic in Bristol, and I lived with the children at his parents' house in a small village far away.

Once we finally found a nice town to live in, a house to rent, and school placements for the kids it improved a lot.  But it was still difficult.  I struggled to deal with culture shocks, missing family and friends, and trying to figure stuff out.  Driving - gah!  I also found it very difficult to make friends.  I remember meeting my sister-in-law's parents who had immigrated to the UK from Africa many years before and they said that it took them 7 years before they felt at home in England, and that even though this was their home and their children were English they would never feel "English".  At the time I found this unbelievably depressing and thought "I can't survive 7 years!"

What I didn't realize is that even if I didn't feel quite "at home" in England, once I'd figured things out a little, found new favorite places to replace old favorites, and made a few friends it got a lot better.  Most of this period was over before I ever found UKY.  That's why I don't have many homesick posts on this site.  Maybe it took me about 2 years?

I wish I knew of one best tip to help newcomers feel settled.  I would say the best thing for our family was to get out and do fun stuff every weekend, trying not to waste too much time at home doing chores.    As for making friends, I didn't meet any Americans in my town.  I made friends with my English neighbours, and with parents at the school gate. I did it by overcoming my shyness and making the first move, the second move, the third move...whatever it took.  

It does get better.
In September 2009 I posted about my homesickness and misery.  I arrived here a qualified solicitor and could not get a job practicing law (but was lucky to get a job in the legal sector despite the nasty economy).  I was an independent NYC litigator, and arrived here like a woman in the 12th century.  I had to rely on my husband for everything-- bank account, credit cards, etc.  I moved into his flat and into his life in the suburbs (Surbiton).  I joined a creepy YMCA where homeless people watched us working out, quit that eventually and put on lots of weight eating lots of chips.  Worse, my job-- they did not have a desk for me, I had to work from home, which meant I was alone all day and not meeting people.  I was miserable, getting fatter, losing my hair, getting screwed over by the NHS, and not feeling like a lovely wife at all.

Things changed.

I managed to get a therapist on the NHS, I had someone to talk to each week, which was very helpful.  I got my driver's license and we bought me an old beater car for getting around locally, which made me feel more empowered.  I began to understand where to find stuff.  I finally accepted that the food here SUCKS and not to get my hopes up when going to restaurants, and I learned to cook some decent meals.  I found a new gym.  We bought a house together, and that meant we lived in OUR space rather than cramming into my husband's space.  We painted, put our home together, got me a piano.  Then, my big break-- my husband found a local community theatre and I auditioned for a show and got a part.  Suddenly I formed a group of friends in my neighborhood, and found myself meeting with them for coffee or lunch, or evenings at the pub.  We went to shows.  I joined a softball team.  I asserted myself more at work with a crappy manager.

Now, two years after arriving I will be starting a new job in central London (with a desk and everything!) for an American company which appeciates my credentials.  I will be performing in a play with the Tower Theatre Company next month.  And I have learned to cope with the slower pace of life here and appreciate the time more, and having much more fun with my dear husband and hoping to start a family soon. (We are on the slow NHS system, but I imagine the stress of the past two years affected my ability to conceive.  plus the weight gain grr-- not that I was in the best place emotionally to become a Mom anyway.)

Another thing-- I still miss my friends and family.  Last summer I splurged on an iphone and have skype on it with an American skype number, so people can call me on my mobile any time.  I call them on skype for free.  It is so easy now to be in touch with people, although I don't need it as much as I am busy with my UK friends.

UK-Yankee meet ups have been great, I've met some good people and we keep in touch via facebook and support each other inbetween meets.
And something else I realized-- my homesickness always increases when with my husband's family.  I finally realize-- they are incredibly nice, but SO boring!  I miss my loud crazy family!  At least now I understand why the times we spend with them drag so much and I am setting some boundaries with the MIL to make myself a happier person.

Sorry for the rambling, hope this helps.  Feel free to IM me for venting any old time.  I think the key is to empower yourself and build your life bit by bit.