Step parenting

I'm in a LDR with an English guy.  Everything is going wonderfully and I plan on moving to the UK this Autumn (getting married  and applying for a visa first).  I'm 29 and never had children.  He has a 7 year old daughter from a previous marriage.  How hard is it to become an instant stepmom on top of moving to another country?  I think my greatest fear right now is being overwhelmed by the "instant family" I'll be acquiring.  Unfortunately, I don't know anyone who has married someone with kids.  In fact, two friends have a million reasons why they wouldn't even date someone with kids.  Ugh!   

Any positive experiences?

Aww Jess...
Have you met her? Don't be instant "mom"  IMO you are dad's wife and her friend and your role as a stepmom will evolve naturally.  Throw away what you think a stepmom should be - I did!
Don't stress - kids can tell almost eat it up ;-)

Breathe but I do suggest meeting her and hanging out a bit before your married if possible.  Thats what DH and I did and I love my stepkids (well for most part hee hee)

Feel free to PM me anytime.

Be inclusive, be supportive, Love her, value her, celebrate that she is a member of your family.  Embrace her mother (not literally) but if you want to have this child be a positive in your relationship, you can't harbour any resentment toward her mother.  She'll feel it in an instant.  Also, never make her feel like you are usurping her time with her father. 

A relationship with a child takes time to build but if you follow those rules, you'll be off to a good start.  Plus, you'll have the added bonus of being in a new place and maybe you can ask her for advice. 

I'll talk step parenting with ya because I am in the same boat.  We will be getting married this Dec and I'll be moving over in Jan. I am getting a 14 yr old boy and a 8 year old boy as a bonus! They live with their mum full time and the BF gets them every other weekend and 5 weeks a year. Plus the oldest comes over 1 night during the week for dinner, homework and TV.

BF wants them around more and I am supportive of that. I think what I have kind of figured out (and had shared with me so far) is that your first year or so you should just try to be a friend. Don't force the relationship. Allow your spouse to handle issues at first so you can learn their "style". I don't think that means letting the kids walk on you when they test you, but set clear, friendly boundaries and expectations.

I try hard to stay neutral when the SO gets going about his ex and I try to offer creative solutions to problems. For example: next weekend is the oldest boys birthday. (13 turning 14). My BF told me that his ex has morphed the day from being about son's birthday to being about a day with her and her friends. Which he doesn't like going to, very uncomfortable to be around them etc. But he will because it's his son's birthday. So I suggested that next year (when i am there) we have a party of our own, invite his friends over (and the mum too) but to make it all about the son.

I should add: we'd invite the son's friends, not our adult friends. That didn't seem to read right.

Hi JessF!

I'm also in the same boat as you.  Never had kids, none of my friends have kids, some of them will never have kids, etc.  To add insult to injury, I'm the youngest of two and never babysat a day in my life, so kids were (and still are to an extent) completely foreign and bizarro to me. 

I live with my BF, who has his 11 year old boy full-time, minus one weekend a month when the kiddo goes to his mum's.  I had the benefit of getting to know kiddo first before I moved in (had my own flat when I moved over on a student visa), so I definitely agree with those that suggested it.  Just spend the first bit of it getting to know her, maybe taking her somewhere that she likes to go.

In the beginning, I stayed well out of any rows or disciplining, kept it friendly and fun, and got a feel for how BF was raising the kiddo. My role has changed gradually, especially with moving in, but I'm much more comfortable with it than I was.

One thing I kept having to tell myself, when it first came to having to enforce rules or discipline is that just because I'm not his mother doesn't mean I don't have any grounds for keeping him in line when he gets cheeky or telling him when he's not behaving appropriately.  It can feel weird at first. 

But then I think about teachers, and how they are almost in the same position as a step-parent.  Here you are with someone else's kid, playing an active role in his/her life, and sometimes having to tell them no or deal with bad behavior.  It helps me to feel a bit more confident about my role and to know that I have some ground to stand on.

Also, don't hesitate to talk to your partner about it.  I can't tell you how many times I have called BF or said to him "Hi, I have no idea what I'm doing here, help!".  He always jokingly says "You think I do?!", but really it's good to have some support and guidance with the whole thing.

I have to say, despite some tough times, it's really been rewarding for me.  Kids just want to have fun and be loved more than anything else, and ultimately, all they're really going to want is to get along with you.  They can sense when you feel awkward or distant (seriously, kids are psychic I think), so you just have to try and get past it at first. 

It takes time and patience, a few mistakes, but you'll be fine. 

My DH has two kids from a previous marriage that stay with us every weekend and here and there when he's got a day off of work.

It can be challenging, but it is very rewarding as well.  I talked to them alot on Skype before I came here and they instantly liked me (Thank goodness!).  Just like any relationship, my suggestion would be get to know them and observe interaction.  Then, just let it grow naturally.

I kind of took the Mothering role pretty immediately.  And sometimes my DH and I butted heads over it, but we speak often about it, to stay on the same page and give each other support.  Now I know when to stay out of it and let him handle things, and when to take charge myself.

I take the route when I do have to discipline for something they did, and explain that I want them to be happy and to have love for themselves, their family and their home.  I don't take the be a friend route.  I'm a grown up who is tasked with their care now as well.  I guide and love them.  They understand it and respond.  And my husband has taught me that discipline doesn't come with a melt down.  I can raise my voice to get something done and my daughter or son will ask me a question and Instantly we're in a regular conversation and hugging.  And by raise my voice I mean just that.  The matter-of-fact, it needs to be done tone.  Not screaming or shouting (unless I'm trying to get their attention LOL boy they shut out the world when the TV is on!)

We show them that its not being angry at them. Unfortunately, they get a very different experience at home, where they are worked on to be made to feel badly for what they've done wrong.

In fact, our daughter often walks away from her mother while her mother is in mid-sentence to snuggle up to me.  Of course, I turn her right back around and tell her not to ignore her mother, but.....it tells you something, doesn't it.

But she's another matter entirely and I just try to stay out of it.

By the way, sorry for the long post, but I've been wanting to discuss this issue myself.  heh

Also, when I mean being friends I mean being friendly. Of course you are not looking to become their best friend. But like any relationship, just let it grow naturally. I was happy to see tonight that my SO's sons were lurking in the background whilst we were on skype, trying to get my attention and saying hello and goodbye. It feels good that they are showing some interest in talking to me without prompting from dad. I suppose if they didn't like me they would just go about their business. At least, that is what I'll tell myself!

Thanks everyone.    I'm flying over to visit next week.  So I'll meet his daughter then.  Her bio mom is extremely evil and not a very good mother.  I think it would be much easier if she had a wonderful mother.  Instead, I'm afraid I'll be faced with a clingy, attention-deprived kid.  Not that it's his daughter's fault or anything.  I just don't know if I'm ready for that.  It's possible that she won't be that way at all, of course.  However, things my BF has said make me think she will...  Maybe I'm just overreacting or anticipating things that'll never happen.  My BF has custody every weekend, so she'll be around a lot. 

I just hope that I'm not getting into more than I can handle or that I'm comfortable with.  I'm a bit of a control freak (when it comes to my life, not over other people).  And I HATE that there is another person who will have an impact on my life that I have no control over.  If his daughter (now or in the future) becomes someone who I can't live with, my only choice is to leave a wonderful relationship and quite possibly, the country.  THAT is a little scary for me.  Obviously, his daughter will always come first (as she should), I just don't know if I can deal with the possible complications of that. 

I guess in my own selfish world, I would wish for my soulmate to live in my country and not have any kids.    But that's life.  

First, I have to come to terms with summer temperatures in the 60s...    

Hi JessF, just checking in to see how the meet and visit went. Hope it all went well.

Look at the challenge this way: you have a chance to be a real positive role model in her life. If mom is a problem then let the boyfriend handle her as best he can and just be as loving and friendly as you can to the daughter. Kids are pretty smart, and she'll figure out what kind of person you are, regardless of what mom might say or do.

Good luck and keep us posted!

I sometimes get frustrated over the situation at home.  DH works all week and is tired, and then Friday comes and so do the kids and the weekend is spent attending to what they want and what they want to do. There doesn't seem to be much, if any, downtime just for us at all.  He's a great father and the kids are his life, with me in second by just a smidge.  I can (or at least try!) to understand that.  These are his children. 

But as someone without children of her own (we have decided to begin trying for our own, but I need medical help with it - and it might not be a possibility), I'm not used to dealing with kids.  It was a crash course and I'm sure I've made mistakes.

But something I learned - if she IS clingy, its in your favor.  Children are quick and fearless to love if they feel you can return it.  Their mom restricts them to an extreme during the week so they run rampant with us.  I do impose certain restrictions but they both know when I say no, its for a reason and not because I'm annoyed or can't be bothered.

In fact, I can call our daughter out for something big and in the next few seconds she's snuggling me, saying good morning.  Or vice versa.  If I'm watching something she'll snuggle up to me more than her father now.  And now I put her to bed while DH puts our son to bed instead of him putting them both to bed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, 1) I feel your uncomfortableness. I get it 2) Its not their fault they have a bad mother, they just want someone to love them and protect them, and be a role model. 3) wanting to be near you is one thing, overstepping bounds is another, and fix that immediately when it comes up (our daughter wanted to sleep in the bed with us.  Nope. Not happening.) 4) It is an amazing feeling to have a child love you with complete trust and it has a way of making you shift your viewpoint. 5) Check and re-check yourself and how you feel on a regular basis. Keep communication open with your boyfriend so that you are partners in the home and on decisions.

But also, If you think it will be you and your boyfriend in your own world, off on your special adventures - think again.  That's not meant to be a downer, but it is meant to be realistic.

But yes, please tell us how it went!

Thanks ladies.  I just got this past Sunday (spent 10 days there).  He lives in Durham and I absolutely love the town.    We spent two days with his daughter (a Saturday and a Friday, although Friday was only after school).  His normal custody is every Friday to Sunday.  So similiar to your situation, Sheriam.  I think things went OK.  I will admit, I was not prepared for how LOUD and talkative an 8 year old can be.  I was a very shy, quiet child growing up.  So I was a bit taken aback by the nonstop, loud chatter and endless questions/nonsense.  I've always wanted children, can't wait to have them but... I don't know if I could handle that everyday!  My boyfriend seemed to find it cute, while I found it somewhat annoying and slightly embarrassing in public settings.  So my saving grace, I think, is that a) he only has part-time custody and  b) she might outgrow the constant, loud talking.

 So I don't know...I'm still slightly uneasy about the whole thing.  His ex is a bad mother in the opposite way than yours, Sheriam.  She doesn't take care of her kids, lets them eat junk food and is more interested in partying on weekends.  I do feel sorry for his daughter.  But on the other hand, at the risk of sounding selfish...is it really my job to make up for her mother's shortcomings?  There are all kinds of things I want to show and teach my kids.  Is it wrong that I'm not as enthusiastic about sharing those experiences with someone else's kid? 

All I can say is I didn't walk away from the experience saying "Wow, I could totally be Step mom!  Bring it on!".    I think I just need to hope for the best and maybe I'll learn to love it.  Hopefully! 

Just thought I'd chime in here, while it may not be your "job" to make up for her Mother's shortcomings you certainly want to be a positive female role-model for this child as it sounds like she doesn't really have one at the moment and if you find her behaviour slightly annoying and embarrassing in public now wait until she has a meltdown at the grocery store or something when it's just the two of you. You will be mortified then.
When you marry someone with children you have to accept the fact that your needs won't always come first and that you will be responsible to help raise that child. Your husband to be's first responsibility will/should be to his child and you will need to take a back seat often.
It is an extremely difficult task being a stepparent because often you are sitting on the fence smack dab in the middle of the parent and child which is not an enviable spot to be in let me tell you. With patience and understanding and a few glasses of wine it can be accomplished relatively painlessly I need to add. I suggest to start reading child behaviour books now to help you prepare. She is coming up to a very difficult stage in her life and with puberty right around the corner and having another women vie for her father's attention won't sit very well with her. Hang on tight it will be a bumpy ride. Good Luck

Thanks Windycitywids.

It is an extremely difficult task being a stepparent because often you are sitting on the fence smack dab in the middle of the parent and child which is not an enviable spot to be in let me tell you.

This is what I'd prefer to avoid.  So is it truly unavoidable? It seems a shame to walk away from an otherwise amazing relationship because of a child.  However, I'm not going to subject myself to "me vs. the kid" battles.  I'd already be dealing with enough (essentially starting my life over).  So maybe I'm not really the ideal step parent?