Tacky Wedding Vent

I have posted a few times about the upcoming wedding of DH's best friend, but now I think it is time to post an official airing cupboard grievance.

Starting with the hen weekend and stag weekend - the couple are each having them at music festivals, both of which cost £100s a ticket. Neither DH and I are going - me because I don't like music festivals and I'm not going to pay £100s to do something I don't like, DH because tickets were sold out before he could buy one. He doesn't like music festivals either but would have gone to be with his mates. I am friendly with the bride-to-be but not good friends with her. I think I was only invited because DH was invited to the stag weekend.

They are having two weddings - a registry wedding on a Thursday and a weekend wedding in a barn at a national park in the Yorkshire Dales. Guests will be staying from Friday to Monday morning, with the wedding ceremony on Saturday.

At first DH and I weren't invited to the registry wedding.  DH got very upset about not being invited because the groom-to-be was the witness at our registry wedding, and he was also at the wedding of DH and his ex-wife. The bride-to-be responded by saying that "The registry wedding is just a formality. It's not the real wedding," but we did eventually get an invitation to the registry wedding.

On the invitation, it says that there will be a meal in a restaurant, but that if guests want to come, they have to pay for the meal themselves.

For the barn wedding, in addition to the invitation, we received an A4 form with instructions about the wedding.

There will be no food or drinks except a little bit after the ceremony. Guests are asked to bring their own food and drinks. We are also asked to bring our chairs, umbrellas and gazebos.

Accommodations are either for sleeping in bunks in the barn or in tents.  On the form, we are expected to check where we will be sleeping (bunk or tent), how many people will need to be accommodated, including how many children, and then return the form to the couple with a cheque to pay for our accommodation.

DH and I have already called the campsite and confirmed that we can park a camper van there, so we are just going to rent one and handle the arrangements ourselves, paying for everything separately.

Some people are only going for the day of the wedding, but it is very important to DH that he stay for the entire wedding weekend, since it is his best friend who is getting married.

The Sunday we will be there - the day after the ceremony - happens to be my birthday, so I am a bit selfishly annoyed that my birthday is being overridden.

The couple have also requested that, for gifts, we send them cash for a honeymoon.

They have also said on the invitation that they expect guests to dress "extravagantly".

I am sure that this has all been arranged by the bride-to-be as the groom-to-be is so disorganized he and DH can't even coordinate a trip to the movies together.

I think that the bride wants a big weekend wedding extravaganza but the couple don't have the money to pay for it so they are expecting guests to pay for it.

In my opinion, if you can't afford a big wedding, you don't have one.  You don't expect guests to pay for what you want.

DH and I had a registry wedding and a meal in a restaurant afterwards - which included champagne that was paid for by my family in the US.  Guests did not pay for anything.  We saved money in other ways.

I have never before been a guest to a wedding where I had to do anything more than get a dress, buy a gift and show up.

It all sounds very strange - especially the 'extravagant' attire for what is, essentially, a camping trip. 

I don't blame you for being annoyed.

I was going to suggest you just go to the registry part, and if your DH wants a weekend of camping - let him go alone to that bit.  Except then you'd be alone on your birthday.  I wouldn't be happy either.

DH and I wouldn't want to spend the whole weekend apart. I understand why he wants to be there the whole time for his best friend.

I think the extravagant attire is just for the actual wedding ceremony, not the whole weekend. I still think it's cheeky for the couple to expect guests to wear expensive-looking clothing when guests will also be paying for almost everything else and are being asked to help pay for the honeymoon - and sleeping outside on the ground in tents.

I think the extravagant attire is just for the actual wedding ceremony, not the whole weekend.

Oh I knew you meant it was only for the wedding ceremony & maybe reception part, but seriously?!  Extravagant attire (for guests) for a wedding in a hotel, registry office, museum or otherwise historic building or hall, yes, or maybe a destination wedding somewhere exotic... But at a campground in the Yorkshire Dales?!  WTF?

A nice maxi-dress or sundress & some sandals would be more than appropriate to the venue, IMO.

Good luck with that one, but I wouldn't be well pleased either - considering it all.

I don't quite know what they mean by 'extravagant'. It's not the word that's normally used to describe very dressy or formal attire. Perhaps they mean sort of over-the-top silly clothing? Either way, I'm looking forward to seeing the wedding photos, sweetpeach! 

Good point!  Maybe it's fancy dress?! 

Oh Sweetpeach, that sounds just dreadful. I hope your DH takes you out for a nice meal to make up for it!

As for extravagant - hah! I'd go OTT, just to get back at the bride, and wear something really obnoxious. 

Oh, and cash to pay for the honeymoon? That is just soooo tacky!!

If it were me I'd go along for the weekend wedding in the Dales and wear a pretty sundress or something similar like Mrs. R suggested.  I'd ignore the extravagant part whether that meant very dressy or fancy dress. 

Since your birthday is being overridden I'd make the following or previous weekend count as your birthday weekend and make sure you get the love and attention you deserve on that weekend.

I was invited to a hen do once to Go Ape which would have been one of my worst nightmares.  Same thing hubby was invited to the stag do so I was invited to the hen do.  Needless to say, I didn't go.

I don't find the honeymoon cash thing quite as tacky - as I have heard of people doing something like that before, but in a more tasteful, understated way (the couple who has everything & that sort of thing) - not printed on invitations or anything like that...

But the whole - you're invited to our two weddings, but you're going to have to pay for your own food, drink, camping fees, bring your own chairs & tables & presumably cutlery & dishes too...and wear 'extravagant' dress - whatever that is, and pay for our honeymoon too?  It really is taking the mick, IMO.

Off-topic (a bit) but I was always of the impression that telling guests what you want for presents in a wedding invitation is really poor etiquette - rather guests are to ask them or family members of the couple, etc what they want, where they are registered, etc.  Yet I received a wedding invitation in the post last week for a wedding in the US, where along with the invitation & RSVP bits, pride of place enclosed in the invitation were also cards listing two different places that the couple are registered for wedding gifts.  Is this becoming commonplace now?  

Yet I received a wedding invitation in the post last week for a wedding in the US, where along with the invitation & RSVP bits, pride of place enclosed in the invitation were also cards listing two different places that the couple are registered for wedding gifts.  Is this becoming commonplace now?  

Yes, I think it is. I've had US wedding invitations like that too. I really really REALLY don't like it. We registered, but only at my father's insistence, because he felt his US friends would rather buy us something from a list rather than post things overseas. Understandable, I guess. But we didn't tell anyone about the registry unless they specifically asked.

DH's friends do like fancy dress; I hadn't considered that. Usually, if someone is  having a fancy dress party, they will state a theme.

I will find something simple to wear like a sundress (depending on what I expect the weather to be like.)

I scanned the form we were supposed to fill out and emailed to my sister. She said she didn't have to fill out as much information when she applied for my marriage license.

DH refuses to have us fill it out on principle. He is just going to tell the couple that we have made arrangements ourselves.

I bothered more about having to bring our own food and drink, and our own chairs, and being asked pay for the honeymoon than I am about what I will wear.

If you're invited somewhere as a guest you should be treated like a guest. In this case, it's more like the couple thought of activities that they liked to do and just invited other people along.  

ETA: The couple mentioned giving cash on the form, not on the printed invitation, and they did say something like "We already have everything we need, so if you want to give us anything, contribute toward the honeymoon."

I still think that even suggesting it is tacky, though.

They have also asked for volunteers to supply gazebos.

Oh Sweetpeach, that sounds just dreadful. I hope your DH takes you out for a nice meal to make up for it!

As for extravagant - hah! I'd go OTT, just to get back at the bride, and wear something really obnoxious. 

Oh, and cash to pay for the honeymoon? That is just soooo tacky!!

I don't think cash to pay for the honeymoon is tacky, it's really common nowadays and
seems much better than buying someone some spoons or other crap wedding gift. I actually think that registries are pretty tacky in themselves, unless the couple is really young and setting up house for the first time, but that's pretty rare nowadays but everyone kept asking about it so  we have a hybrid registry, i.e in style it looks like a traditional registry but it's broken down into things to pay for on our honeymoon, so you get things like -  

A martini at the Park Hyatt Hotel sky bar - £15
So J and I can live it up Lost in Translation style!

People just log onto the website and pay for what they want, if they want to, there's no pressure. I really don't want people to feel like they're paying a lot of money to attend our wedding, there's no dress code (Well, unofficialy, it's fun/flirty/fabulous/fifities, but if people turn up in jeans, then that's cool!) and we'll supply as much booze as we can afford to including champagne. All food and transport is provided on the day.

From the looks of it, I think the extravagent dress is definately more fun/outrageous clothes than expensive clothes.
Food wise, I think that's ridiculous, but do they mean that there will be food at the wedding but not on the days before/after as it's a whole weekend thing? That seems a bit strange, but reasonable.
It does sound like the whole thing is being done on the cheap, which is fine with me IF you have a small wedding and don't expect your guests to cover the shortfall.

I think you need to talk to your DH about the whole thing, it's his bestfriend therefore his responsibility.

We registered, but only at my father's insistence, because he felt his US friends would rather buy us something from a list rather than post things overseas. Understandable, I guess. But we didn't tell anyone about the registry unless they specifically asked.

Exactly.  I don't mind gift registries at all (we had one too), and I don't even mind learning that a couple prefers to receive cash for a specific purpose.  But I think they should wait to be asked & not put it in the wedding invitation. 

We solved the whole gift thing by letting everyone know we didn't want any. The wedding was in San Diego, and I couldn't deal with the idea of shipping any more stuff, so we basically passed the word along through my mom and others that people's attendance at the wedding was gift enough. People still gave us things (and some people did give us cash), but it cut down on a lot of the stress.
We did have a situation where, if they travelled from far away, people did have to pay for a hotel/food outside of the (enormous buffet) meal we provided after the ceremony, and we DID all go out for dinner the night beforehand (and everyone paid their own way), but that was more of a "you're all here in a foreign country/at least a few hundred miles away from home lets eat dinner together at the Old Town Mexican Cafe" than anything else. It certainly wasn't part of an official wedding weekend or anything.
It just sounds like this bride hasn't quite got her empathy cap on--it's definitely her day, but maybe it would have helped to have a moment and think about what she's actually asking everyone to do.  Good luck! I hope you at least get some sort of wild foxes-raided-the-food-and-ate-the-wedding-cake sort of stories out of it!

I like  your idea of a "registry" to help pay for the honeymoon cb--very creative!  I'd also rather contribute to something like that than give a couple more crap they don't need or want.