Tacky Wedding Vent

I wouldn't ever give a couple cash to go on holiday. Sorry, but I think that's really in poor taste. If that's what they were asking for, then they'd be disappointed to get a real present from me! 

Okay, bear with me here, but we are going to a wedding in Manchester in August where we have to pay to get there, pay for a hotel, any drinks from the bar that we want, apart from the wedding meal we are buying our own food all weekend and give them US money for a gift because they are going to America for their honeymoon (which they did pay for themselves, but asked for 'fun money' to do things while they are there) and I'm wondering how this is that much different from that?  For a wedding we went to near London, we had to pay for a hotel for the whole weekend plus food, and a present.  I find the description of the outfits weird and I'm surprised they are handling the lodging bookings but many of the weddings I've gone to that are just a few people at a Registry Office with a meal at a restaurant after, I've had to pay for my own meal.  I think you said your dh's friends like to camp previously sweetpeach so it sounds like they are just doing what they enjoy but are letting everyone know that they aren't going to provide for them all weekend.  I'm not trying to get at anyone or anything because if camping for a wedding all weekend isn't your thing, then it just isn't.  But the expenses don't seem to annoy me as much as others.  Am I missing something here or is there just something wrong with me?  

ETA:  I do think the stag/hen do are over the top in the same way that expecting people to fly to Prague or Amsterdam for a weekend for a stag/hen do is too much.

Okay, bear with me here, but we are going to a wedding in Manchester in August where we have to pay to get there, pay for a hotel, any drinks from the bar that we want, apart from the wedding meal we are buying our own food all weekend and give them US money for a gift because they are going to America for their honeymoon (which they did pay for themselves, but asked for 'fun money' to do things while they are there) and I'm wondering how this is that much different from that?  For a wedding we went to near London, we had to pay for a hotel for the whole weekend plus food, and a present.  I find the description of the outfits weird and I'm surprised they are handling the lodging bookings but many of the weddings I've gone to that are just a few people at a Registry Office with a meal at a restaurant after, I've had to pay for my own meal.  I think you said your dh's friends like to camp previously sweetpeach so it sounds like they are just doing what they enjoy but are letting everyone know that they aren't going to provide for them all weekend.  I'm not trying to get at anyone or anything because if camping for a wedding all weekend isn't your thing, then it just isn't.  But the expenses don't seem to annoy me as much as others.  Am I missing something here or is there just something wrong with me?  

I'm agreeing with you! I choose to travel, etc, for weddings.  But I had a (not a super close, but still a friend, not an aquantaince) friend get married at a resort in the Dominican Republic a few months after I moved here- and that was just going to be impossible for me to go to- I would have had to pay for the flights, hotel all weekend, food except for the wedding meal, gift, etc.  I don't see how that's any different?  My friend understood that I couldn't swing it and I felt bad, but just couldn't do it!
Years later, one of my best friends from uni, I travelled back to the US for his wedding, paid for all and everything, gift, etc, except the wedding meal,  But it was worth it when seeing him with his bride, happy as can be, and he cried his eyes out when he saw me, for coming all that way. So it all depends, really!

I'm agreeing with you! I choose to travel, etc, for weddings.  But I had a (not a super close, but still a friend, not an aquantaince) friend get married at a resort in the Dominican Republic a few months after I moved here- and that was just going to be impossible for me to go to- I would have had to pay for the flights, hotel all weekend, food except for the wedding meal, gift, etc.  I don't see how that's any different?  My friend understood that I couldn't swing it and I felt bad, but just couldn't do it!
Years later, one of my best friends from uni, I travelled back to the US for his wedding, paid for all and everything, gift, etc, except the wedding meal,  But it was worth it when seeing him with his bride, happy as can be, and he cried his eyes out when he saw me, for coming all that way. So it all depends, really!

Yeah, I can agree with that.  My best friend from school is getting married in Hawaii in February and with a 12 hour overnight lay over somewhere in California, if we are still here the expense and the time makes it impossible for us to get too.  But I sat and talked to her and it's okay.  We will go to the reception in Des Moines though and buy them a nice present.  But I think going to weddings in general can be very expensive.   

If it was just a party they were organizing and inviting people to join in, then most of what they are requesting would be fine.  It would be unreasonable to expect someone to have a weekend-long party and pay for everything.

But we are talking about a *wedding* here.

If they wanted to have a weekend-long "reception" to celebrate the wedding, they probably should have done it the following week and made it clear that they wanted to have a big party but weren't going to be paying for everything so only the people who wanted to/could pay their own way should come (obviously saying all that in better wording though!).

Maybe a lot of their friends do like camping and it is just an excuse for a "shared interest" activity to take place...but integrating it so heavily into the actual wedding does make it appear to be very tacky and in poor taste.  They should have just made the 2 events (the actually wedding and the camping out all weekend event) into two seperate occasions so it didn't appear that they were asking everyone to pay for their wedding.

Personally if I were going to ask for money (which I do think is a little tacky...I feel that's something that should be more of a response to a question), I wouldn't have said "towards our honeymoon".  I would have said something along the lines of "for our nest egg" or something like that.

Seems like whoever thought this whole thing up probably had good intentions but just didn't think through the execution details very thoroughly.

Maybe a lot of their friends do like camping and it is just an excuse for a "shared interest" activity to take place...but integrating it so heavily into the actual wedding does make it appear to be very tacky and in poor taste. 

Exactly. If you want to get together with your friends to go camping, or take part in another activity, then make separate arrangements.  But I think that for a wedding you are supposed to take all of your guests into consideration and do something that all of your guests would probably enjoy, not to expect people to pay for an activity that you like but they don't. I think very few people would mind sleeping in a bed in a hotel room or being served a meal in a room with tables and chairs and knives and forks.  Not everyone likes camping.

You end up with people who feel obligated to do something that they don't like - and pay a lot of money for it - because they feel that it is important that they attend the wedding.


It is the same with the stag/hen weekends. My husband was going to go (if he had been able to obtain a ticket) even though he doesn't like musical festivals because he wanted to go to his friend's stag do. So he would have been spending hundreds of pounds to do something he dislikes.

It is as if the couple thought of something they liked to do , asked 70 people along and called it a wedding rather than plan an actual  wedding.

Exactly.  A wedding will mean money spent, regardless.  But it seems to be jammed down everyone's throat here.  If a camping wedding weekend is their idea of fun, yeah...go all out.

But from the beginning, this wedding has been showcased in a different light
 - there's a Registry Wedding and then the "real wedding".  I still remember that post.
 - a form to fill out with so much information asked i'm surprised they don't want to know your blood type ...or do they?
 - And all this ... to camp... on your own dime.  And still expect people to be dressed as if this is a formal event.  
 - I understand that over here people tend to pay for drinks at the bar and a meal if they go for one, but again, shoving it down people's throats that they are expected to.  (I made sure we had enough money to cover anyone's dinner who came with us after our wedding ceremony.  We knew no one would go who wasn't immediate family and a few friends anyway, but we were prepared to pay.)
 - They are aski...er...telling people to bring chairs and umbrellas and covers.

Again, had it been a relaxed "this is what we are going to do, we understand if you can join us the full weekend - so if you cant...we'd love to have you at the Registry wedding" type of event, I wouldn't see the issue.

But clearly this is not the case.  The bride is seeking big wedding (and looking her nose down at others in the process) but not looking to pay for it.  These days, if you want the big wedding, you pay for it, or you don't get it.  Don't plan for it and demand your guests help you AND pay for their own.  I think that's the issue here.  

I definitely think it's a tact issue here. We did a dinner (self-paid), the wedding with tons of food and booze (we paid), and then a "mega-trip" where about 24 people came with us to Sedona, the Grand Canyon, and Vegas (self-paid), BUT it was mostly set up like "we would love to have you for whatever time you have, let's all have a BLAST..WOOOO Jennie and Pete are getting married!" Our guiding principle was that, above all, the wedding and mega-trip be a good time for everyone, not just a day for us.  It sounds like that might be missing here. (We also paid for tickets for two of our friends who wouldn't have been able to afford it otherwise, but that was a separate thing and just because we really wanted them with us.)

We also had a registry wedding first, but it was months ahead and strictly so that I could apply for the visa waaaay early and just leave after the wedding. No one even knew about it until much later (his mum still doesn't know!).  It was so. much. fun. to travel around with all of our friends and the wedding was such a happy go lucky occasion. I couldn't imagine asking people to struggle to come out and celebrate with us!

I definitely think it's a tact issue here. We did a dinner (self-paid), the wedding with tons of food and booze (we paid), and then a "mega-trip" where about 24 people came with us to Sedona, the Grand Canyon, and Vegas (self-paid), BUT it was mostly set up like "we would love to have you for whatever time you have, let's all have a BLAST..WOOOO Jennie and Pete are getting married!"

Yes. It would be one thing to ask a small number of close friends along - whom you knew would enjoy the activity - but not to invite 50+ guests as you would for a large wedding.  For a big wedding like that, you do something traditional and middle-of-the-road that everyone can enjoy.  You can then have a fun camping weekend with a few friends to celebrate your marriage if you want to.

And it is definitely being hyped as a "big wedding".

There's also the issue of guests being asked to set up and bring their own supplies. Paying for a meal and drinks is not the same as bringing your own chairs or supplying gazebos. If I'm attending a wedding I expect to be provided with a place to sit.

Yeah.  A chair is the minimum I would expect. 

Funny how the registry wedding she poo-pooed as unimportant seems like it is going to be posher than the big "real" wedding.

Funny how the registry wedding she poo-pooed as unimportant seems like it is going to be posher than the big "real" wedding.

Ah, how the universe comes in and takes care of things...

cultural issues aside (as the whether to include registry info and dollar dance can be) I think the bride is being tacky.  She's looking to have a big wedding but have the guests pay for it.  I think Sweetpeach put it well when she said There's also the issue of guests being asked to set up and bring their own supplies. Paying for a meal and drinks is not the same as bringing your own chairs or supplying gazebos. If I'm attending a wedding I expect to be provided with a place to sit.

Well, we have booked a spot on the campsite and DH has volunteered to bring 4 folding chairs. (I don't know where he is getting them from as we don't own any folding chairs.)

He isn't really helping my argument 

But for him it is more about celebrating with his best friend and helping his best friend out, so I understand.

My humble 2-cents:

The big kicker for me is expecting you, especially with your DH being the best friend, to pay for your OWN meal at the wedding...what?
 

I've been to loads of weddings where I had to pay my own lodging, travel, gifts, BUT my own meal on top of that?

Sorry, but it sounds like they are taking the P*SS out of everyone who wants to be involved in their wedding.  I would be happier if they just came out and said they were broke and ask people to help them...

Sweetpeach--I don't blame you one bit for being annoyed!!