Whose Wedding is it?

I’ve posted before about problems with my mom and everyone has been so great.  To handle a lot of it I’ve just been letting her have her way and I think that I’ve let it go way too far. 

I’m at the point of just working on the last little details, menus, programs, favors, those types of things.  I know that it seems little and petty, but it is my wedding and I want things to be how I want them.  My mom is very crafty and is willing to make things, as long as they are the things that she wants to make.  I wanted a certain type of paper; she said no, I ordered the kind that she wanted.  She wants to do a dance with my dad that they did at my sister’s wedding.  My sister and I are the opposite of close; I don’t want recycled bits of her wedding, but of course it’s on the song list.  She wants me to use the same knife for cake cutting that my parents and my sister used, I want us to have our own. 

It sounds so silly!  But I’m getting really stressed about this.  When I talk to DF he just want to throw money at the problem, if I don’t like what my mom is willing to make then I should just hire someone to make what I want.  I see it as a waste, she could make it, but refuses or is just really difficult about getting there. 

Also, if I hear from her one more time that the wedding isn’t ‘American’ enough I think I’ll scream!  I have a tendency to let things fester and bug me to the point that I just explode.  Does anyone have some ideas about how I can point these things out to my mom so that it becomes my wedding again without causing hurt feelings? 

Haven't planned a wedding, but I love www.apracticalwedding.com. They have a few topics on mothers (and their handling/care), including this one.

No other advice to give, but good luck!

That was good!  Thanks!

I don't think it is petty or silly to be annoyed at these things.  They might only be small details of the wedding, but they matter to you.  But even more important than that, is the fact that it is your wedding and you should be in control of it.  She can offer suggestions, but she should be respecting your wishes.

I've been closely involved in a few weddings now and have always seen the same thing: the mother's get very stressed out, and want things to be just so.  I think they see themselves as the host of the party, and they want to impress all the guests.  It's a shame because then they aren't relaxed enough to enjoy what the day is actually about.

Maybe you should have a chat with her and share your feelings.

I would like to have a chat with her, but am nervous about it as it usually ends with, well, your leaving, can't you give me something I like?  Or, why can't this be an American wedding?  The only thing English about the wedding is the groom, so I've begun to think that when she says English it actually means anything she doesn't like.  I have real struggles with her unreasonableness and controling my own temper. 

Indiebride, indiebride, indiebride. That website's "kvetch" section saved my sanity while planning my wedding.

Indiebride, indiebride, indiebride. That website's "kvetch" section save my sanity while planning my wedding.

I have fond memories of IB! Lost interest in posting there after my ex and I broke up, though.

Maybe I'm just a cow, but I kind of side with your fiancé on this. My FIL has a curtain/soft furnishings company and one time asked us if he could make us dining room curtains for Christmas (possibly a birthday? Some holiday, anyway.) He asked us what we wanted and turned up on the day with something completely different because he just thought what we liked was "too boring," so we just don't ask him and if he offers we say that we've already got things under control.

So I'd be like, "I want XYZ for my menus"
And if my mom then said, "Oh, no, ABC would be so much better!"
I would just say, "Hmm! I'll have to think about that! I really like XYZ though."
And then get someone else to do it.

Also if she says something about you not doing something her way, you could possibly remind her that you have already given her the paper she wants, the dance that she likes, etc.

My mom and I aren't hugely close thought so maybe I wouldn't be too worried about stepping on her toes.

Tl;dr: Throw the money at it if your fiancé is okay with that. The lack of stress has to be worth something!

Maybe I'm just a cow, but I kind of side with your fiancé on this. My FIL has a curtain/soft furnishings company and one time asked us if he could make us dining room curtains for Christmas (possibly a birthday? Some holiday, anyway.) He asked us what we wanted and turned up on the day with something completely different because he just thought what we liked was "too boring," so we just don't ask him and if he offers we say that we've already got things under control.

So I'd be like, "I want XYZ for my menus"
And if my mom then said, "Oh, no, ABC would be so much better!"
I would just say, "Hmm! I'll have to think about that! I really like XYZ though."
And then get someone else to do it.

Also if she says something about you not doing something her way, you could possibly remind her that you have already given her the paper she wants, the dance that she likes, etc.

My mom and I aren't hugely close thought so maybe I wouldn't be too worried about stepping on her toes.

Tl;dr: Throw the money at it if your fiancé is okay with that. The lack of stress has to be worth something!

Thanks!  I think that that's what I'm going to do this weekend.  Kate Paperie (or the equivilent as they are going out of business) it is for me.

Kate Paperie (or the equivilent as they are going out of business) it is for me.

Sorry, totally off topic, but is Kate's Papers in NYC really going out of biz?  I used to love that place, but it was awfully expensive.  Hope you get a good deal.

I also side with your fiance on this one.  The great thing about family helping you is that they are helping you and its usually much cheaper.  But if they are refusing to give you what YOU want for YOUR wedding, then its time to pay for someone to make what you want. 

It IS the little touches that you remember from your wedding.  The special moments.  The things that meant something to you.  If its not yours, its a sore point.

As far as the dance and the cake cutter (or anything else) - if you don't want it, you don't want it.  A simple and matter-of-fact (though probably often repeated) "No thanks." is all you need.  No need to explain why or argue.

No need for stress, my dear.  Just choose what you will stand firm on and what you are willing to bend on.  You aren't going to make everyone else happy, concentrate on you and DH. 

Thanks everyone.  It's so nice to have all of you!