Responding to people who think it's too soon

I'll start out by saying that I realise my partner and I are very, very lucky, in that we have several options and have been able to test the waters by living together.

I'm an American who naturalised as British last year.  My partner is also American.  We live in the UK and we both want to stay here.  He only has two possible routes to stay: a) a Tier 2 visa or b) marriage.  (Ancestry, long residency, etc. are not options.  We cannot live together long enough to get an unmarried partner visa before his visa expires.)  Neither of us want to go back to America, as we've both been here for several years and have our lives here and quite simply want to make our home here.

He is pursuing the Tier 2 visa which, theoretically, should be simple.  However, his immigration solicitor points out that it may not be.  Basically, his company must apply for a license to sponsor foreign workers, and then he needs to get the visa.  The company does *not* need to do the whole resident market labour test, thankfully, but there are still plenty of ways for the Home Office to say no in an arbitrary manner.  There's also a restricted number of visas available and no one quite seems to know what happens when the queue becomes too long.  (So if there are only 20,000 visas and they are all given out by September, does everyone else that year get knocked back?)

We met last October and in order to keep him in the country without him having to go back to the states to apply for his new visa, we'd need to get married *this* October.

We've been living together since the end of February and I can't imagine living without him.  I'm certainly not letting the Home Office take him away from me.  And we're very lucky to be able to have that 'getting to know each other' period without having to make this decision based on a few visits.  It's just not what either of us would have wanted in a perfect world.  (If he'd gotten his job a few months earlier he could have stayed on a Tier 1, but let's not rant about that here....)

A few people have been fairly vocal about the fact that 'it's too soon' and 'it would be a green card marriage'.  Obviously these are issues we have to communicate about between the two of us, and there are many valid reasons why marriage would be a difficult and scary decision, but it's tough to feel as though we have to defend ourselves.  We are having lots of discussions; he's not keen on marriage as an institution, whereas I've never been too bothered.  Neither of us have ever been married and we're both in our late 30s so we do feel we've had enough life experience that we're not rushing in heedlessly.  We want to stay together and while we are not thinking 'OMG we must be married to make this work' if we do go ahead with this, we want to take it seriously.

I should probably say that neither of us have ever wanted children, so that issue does not need to be taken into account.  Nor does having any kind of big wedding - registry office followed by a reception at our favourite Indian place is what we both want.  (We'd probably do the Meet The Family thing on our honeymoon, after all the visa stuff was settled.)

So I guess I'm looking for ways to handle the topic if it comes up in conversation with someone who is less than enthusiastic.  In one case it's a very good friend of his who met her own husband when they were teenagers.  General reassurance also welcomed!

I'm not sure I see why they say it is 'too soon' My parents got married 9 months after meeting and they have been married 49 years.   I had a co-worker who married her husband after 6 weeks (they moved in together after a weekend!) and they have been married over 25 years.  I also know people who have been together for 10 years before getting married and have split up after only a short time.

I would just be honest and tell them that the length of time you know someone isn't what will make a marriage a success.  That and it is none of their business.

Congratulations and good luck!

I'm with pengi.  I'm not sure why it's too soon.  I'm a firm believer that when you know, you know.  My husband and I met a week after I turned 30 (which was late June), we moved in together that November, and got married the following April.  So altogether, we knew each other only about 9 months when we got married.  We've now been together 8 years (married for 7).

I got the same thing from a few of my friends, saying that it's a green card marriage.  To anyone who feels the need to put their two cents/pence in, just tell them that you just know when you know, that it feels right and there would be a huge void in your life without your partner in it.

I would just tell them it's none of their business, because it isn't.  You don't need to qualify you relationship.  I had friends and family make those sorts of comments about my husband and I when we decided to get married.  I don't think people who haven't been in a situation where marriage is necessary to live in the same vicinity really understand what kind of factors we have to consider.

A bit of advice I've been given to silence people who ask personal questions, just reply, "Wow, I can't believe you just asked me that.  You must be really embarrassed."

I say, "because we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. Why did you get married?" Admittedly this doesn't work as well if the person in question has never been married.

Our decission to get married had nothing to do with visas - though the timing of the wedding did. Having decided to get married, we wanted to do it before my current visa runs out in August. I can reapply and stay that way, but why pay that visa fee and still need to switch to a marriage-based visa down the line?

People think getting married a year after you met is too soon? None of their business really.  It's what you put into it that makes a good marriage not time known beforehand.  I married my high school sweetheart after dating him five years, less than seven years later I was filing for divorce.

It's not to soon if you don't think it is.


There comes a time in your life where you know what you want, and sometimes, more importantly, what you DON'T want.   

If you don't want to be without him, then marry him.  If you both feel it's right, then it's right.

You are getting married because you love each other.  Maybe the timing has been sped up because of unforeseen circumstances, but that really doesn't matter.

You are both grown-ups, and have been able to make decisions on your own for a while.  If you feel it's the right time to get married, then it's the right time.  NO ONE has the right to tell you otherwise, as they do not know how you feel.


My husband and I married 1 year and 6 months after we met in person, though we made the decision to marry after only 8 months.  People were wary at first, but they had a little bit of time to let it sink in.  No one has made the "it was too early" suggestion in a while, and everyone was ecstatic for us when we got married this June (even his VERY religious family and community)

 Give people time and they will get used to the idea...frankly they have no choice but to deal with their opinions and get on with their lives.  If people give you a really tough time about it, simply tell them that as a friend of yours, they should support your decision as best they can, though you appreciate their concerns.  Sooner or later, they will finally realize that you are going to marry this person, and they will witness how happy it makes you.

Good luck!

Eh, who cares what anyone else thinks?! They are making inappropriate comments to you regarding a very personal decision. Some people expressed concerns to me about getting married too soon (we only knew each other for about 10 months before the wedding) but I just told them that I appreciated their concern, but I was definitely sure I was making the right choice. That normally forced them to drop it. Otherwise, if someone made what I considered an uncomfortable remark (maybe a colleague at work that I didn't know so well made one or two comments that kind of set me off) but I would just look them in the eye, smile, and wait for them to backtrack. Most people will mutter "sorry" and walk away.

I'm all too familiar with the stupid marriage remarks from other people. I've had the "you're too young" line. Which also comes with "too soon". It's quite annoying. In our case, we were asked if DH married me because he knocked me up  . People are a**holes and I've learned to not give a damn what anyone thinks. Eventually you'll get sick of what other people have to say and it'll go right through you .

Well honestly it's not a green card marriage if you planned on getting married eventually anyway, it just makes more sense for you to do it now rather than later.

Gabby, people should really mind their own business. Ugh.  It's so annoying. People really make such inappropriate comments all the time. DH thought I was nuts at first, until he took me to A & E and the lady booking me in starting asking what I was doing in UK, and how we met, etc. Afterwards, he said, "Gah, I see what you mean. Mind your own business!" I mean, I don't normally go around asking people how they met their partner or whatever within 5 minutes of meeting them, do I? Anyway, sorry for the unrelated rant... haha. Just pointing out that people often stick their noses into other people's business where they shouldn't.

If a friend or relative expressed concern, I tended to show a bit more patience with them, as I knew it was only because they care about me. But if people I didn't know as well tried to tell me what to do, they were basically just told to mind their own business. I think a few people were just jealous that I was moving to UK, to be honest.

Thank you everyone.  We were having a serious talk last weekend and he asked what I'd written here and what people had said, so I pulled up the thread which was helpful. 

Nothing has been decided yet but it helps me to know that other people have done this and it's not necessarily a recipe for disaster.

He's pretty nervous, because of his own family history, about divorce and lawyers and dragged-out battles in courtrooms, so I also checked and found that a simplified divorce in Scotland is stupidly easy (though does require a year apart).  But obviously I don't want to push him into anything.  He feels pretty pressured by the Home Office already (though not, thankfully, by me...).

Will let you know how things turn out!

A bit of advice I've been given to silence people who ask personal questions, just reply, "Wow, I can't believe you just asked me that.  You must be really embarrassed."

That's brilliant! I must start using that one!

Gabby, people should really mind their own business. Ugh.  It's so annoying. People really make such inappropriate comments all the time.

Thanks for the support Jewlz. I've heard a lot of crap and usually from people who are in terrible relationships themselves!

Thanks for the support Jewlz. I've heard a lot of crap and usually from people who are in terrible relationships themselves!

I hear you on the "crap" thing....I've noticed in life it's usually the people least qualified to give advice that are the ones most eager to give it....