Torn about when to start trying for a baby

I don't normally post too many personal post, but feeling really confused at the moment and looking for some bipartisan female/mothers advise.

I've never been baby crazy, yet I've always known that one day I will want to have children. I've now been married for 6 years (to the most amazing man I've ever met, I should add). We have a pretty great marriage, we get along really well... truly enjoy spending time together, traveling, eating out etc. and have always been a bit apprehensive as to how children will change this.

My little sister is now about to have baby #2, so I'm finally starting to get a bit more pressure from my family to start a family. Not that this pressure is much of a factor in the decision making, but it is in the back of my mind.

I currently work as a research assistant in academic science, and until recently was quite content. But certain events have led me to feel like completely unfulfilled with what I'm doing now. I started looking at jobs outside of science, thinking my skills might transfer to a market research or analyst role. I applied for a few position, but quickly gave up hope in the current job climate.

During this time I started to get the itch to have kids. I'm not sure how much of it was due to wanting a change in my life vs wanting a baby. I went off birth control a couple of months ago, and we starting passively trying.

It all seemed sort of worked out, until I got this silly idea in my head to do a PhD. It's mainly because as of this month I work for Oxford University (long story).. and I can't imagine any greater personal achievement for myself than having a PhD from Oxford... it's always been my dream. However, it's suddenly really hard to put myself out of the "I think I want a baby" frame of mind. Even though I've spoken to my supervisor about the PhD and we've already discussed funding and projects for commencing in 2012, I still have been dragging my feet about getting back on birth control. I'm currently 28, which I know is still fairly young in terms of my "biological clock".. but I'm afraid I'll regret leaving it too long if I end up having fertility problems in the future.

Ugh! I just don't know what I want to do. I feel like I change my mind about what I want out of my life every hour.

I can't help you really make your decision based on your desire to complete your PhD (more power to ya there)...but I fell pregnant in late March 2009 "unexpectedly" and although we knew we wanted kids, it was a bit sooner than we "planned." I had just turned 30 and DH was going to be 35 in the August. I had only moved to the UK in Aug 08 and we had only been married 3-4 months. I was working as a supply teacher on my Bachelors and was looking forward to possibly having a full time position at a school...until they discovered my pregnancy.

That being said, our son is now 19 months old and the absolute LIGHT of our LIFE. He may not have been when we planned...but we're so happy it happened the way it did. He came at JUST the right time and I can't imagine life before him. Sure, I had more free-time and got more sleep, but the fulfillment I feel from my interactions with him day-to-day is indescribable.

Only you can decide when is best for you and your other half...but if a reward is what you're looking for, I've never felt a love for anyone or anything so deeply as I do with my little guy. Sure, I may not have full time work and other things have been put on hold...but he's SO worth it!

Hope you come to a decision that makes you happy. x

A couple of things to consider-
1)   You can have a baby AND do a PhD. Lots of programmes allow for time off for maternity leave in between and/or you could consider working and working on your PhD part-time. My husband is an academic researcher at Liverpool University and many of his colleagues are working full-time but combining their work with their study. It’s difficult, no questions, but possible! My husband was completing his PhD (one year left) when our son was born.  In some ways, it was great as he was in the writing stage and could fit it around helping me/found that he was writing in bursts anyway.

2)   You never know how quickly/long it will take to get pregnant once you ‘start’. My first child I was very into-‘we’re not starting until X date.’ It was actually 1 September 2008, and I got pregnant within three months. I’m now 7 months pregnant with my second.  I work in the public sector and found out my job was ‘safe’ for a year.  We thought we’d take a gamble and try, and I literally got pregnant within a month.  I never intended to have a year off maternity leave, work for a year and then off for a year (potentially) again.  But I got pregnant so quickly.  So it could be fast-or you could get your funding, start your PhD and then not get pregnant for awhile.  From my own experience, it was worth it to just carry on with both (life and work.) I’m actually doing a master’s at the moment by distance (and when my son was born) and found that once the first crazy few months passed, I enjoyed having that academic outlet. But maybe I’m weird. I recently (like last week!) applied for a PhD studentship on a lark.  It seemed nuts-as how the heck was I meant to do a PhD with a newborn?  In the end, it didn’t matter, as I didn’t get it, but if I had, I’m sure between myself, my husband and my programme, we could make something work!
Good luck !

I'm sorry your struggling with this decision. I've always felt there was no "right time" to have a child, and the fact that your dragging your feet getting back on birth control might mean something.  Maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you that having a baby is something you really want.  I don't see why you couldn't per-sue your PhD and stay off the birth control and just see what happens.  

 I've been in limbo completing my nursing degree for a few years, I had always planned to get my nursing before I turned 30. As soon as I made that decision, I met my husband, got married, had a baby- and now we are expecting another one!   I always thought that if I didn't get my degree, I would feel like a failure- however, I've never felt happier or more complete in my life.

Do what makes you happy, but I'm starting to see the wisdom in John Lennon's words "Life is what happens when your busy making other plans".  

That being said, our son is now 19 months old and the absolute LIGHT of our LIFE. He may not have been when we planned...but we're so happy it happened the way it did. He came at JUST the right time and I can't imagine life before him. Sure, I had more free-time and got more sleep, but the fulfillment I feel from my interactions with him day-to-day is indescribable.

Yes, that's exactly the sort of thing I don't want to miss out on. I hear so many mom's use the word fulfillment when describing what having a child is to them. I have always felt fulfilled through my job and other relationships, and suddenly, like a switch, none of it was enough. I felt so depressed for a month feeling like a needed someone more in my life, and I could finally understand the concept of this fulfillment that wasn't fleeting.

Thanks for your story, I think that's what I need.. hearing positive stories about how life is just life, whether you plan for it or not, and things have a habit of working themselves out.

Thanks for the advice kintheuk. I was curious about what would happen if I fell pregnant during my PhD. It's not the sort of question you ask when trying to get your boss onboard with funding you for a PhD. Everyone woman in my family seems to be so super fertile, but I hear so many stories of women struggling with trying to conceive. My husband tries to reassure me that just as many woman in the their early-mid 30's don't have problems.

Yes, Smashley.... Life is what happens.. and I 100% agree that there is no right time to have a child. In fact, I was willing to overlook the fact that we live in a pretty small one bedroom flat since babies don't need too much space! I think at the moment my plan is as you suggest to pursue a PhD, but also sort of see what happens. But.. I'm sure my mind will change by tomorrow morning.

I just love hearing how amazing it is to be a mum... (and if you knew me you would understand what a crazy thing that is for me to say!)

I was curious about what would happen if I fell pregnant during my PhD. It's not the sort of question you ask when trying to get your boss onboard with funding you for a PhD.

Maybe you could try getting in contact with the relevant authorities (HR or Student Services maybe?) at the university, and bring it up as a hypothetical situation..I'm sure they would be somewhat understanding of the situation.

Here, we've had a postdoc in the lab until about 3 weeks before her due date. From what I've heard, in her case (which might be helpful for you to consider?)--she started her postdoc like 2 years ago, and was expecting at that time.  She worked for a few weeks and then went on maternity leave.  She came back, worked for about 1.5-2 years, and has just had her second child. Following her leave, she intends to return to the lab.  Her boss is pretty relaxed, which may help.  But I would just be honest with the supervisor if/when you're given the studentship. I say go for both, and then cross whatever bridges you need to when they come up.

Just a reminder though-- be careful as to which chemicals you work with, as you don't want to expose your little one to anything that may harm it (see: embryotoxicity/teratogenicity)

Your post reminded me of Sheryl Sandberg, currently the COO for facebook. She does a lot of talks on why women's careers don't advance as far/quickly as their male associates, and one of the things she's observed is that women "lean back". A lot of women, when they start thinking they might have a baby, stop fighting for promotions/opportunities/whatever - sometimes years before they actually have kids (or meet the man they want to have kids with!).  She explains it better than I could:

Do you receive funding for your PhD from a Research Council? They have guidelines for award holders on maternity leave and you could contact them directly and ask if you're not comfortable asking your supervisor just yet. Plus, there's a good chance your supervisor doesn't know. When I worked for a Council we had PhD students on maternity leave and it was no problem.

18uDutylDa4]http://youtu.be/18uDutylDa4[/url]

Thanks for this video. The part about not taking your foot off the gas until you need to really hit home. It just makes perfect sense, and hopefully will give me some confidence to push myself into achieving what I want and not worrying about whether it's going to conflict with what other people we want.

I really appreciate all the advice and support guys.

Just wanted to chime in on the bit that it's not unusual to have PhD candidates on maternity leave. The difficult bit (and I speak from experience!!) is getting back into gear once the baby(ies) are born!

If you want to read about the experience of becoming a mum I would recommend the blog www.awesomeville.co.uk. It's written by an expat who used to be on the forum a while ago. Her baby just turned one and she's done an amazing job of writing about the ups and downs over the past year and posting some of the most adorable baby pictures I've ever seen in my life. She's a great writer and photographer so really worth checking out.

If you want to read about the experience of becoming a mum I would recommend the blog www.awesomeville.co.uk. It's written by an expat who used to be on the forum a while ago. Her baby just turned one and she's done an amazing job of writing about the ups and downs over the past year and posting some of the most adorable baby pictures I've ever seen in my life. She's a great writer and photographer so really worth checking out.

Yes, Nicky's got a great blog. I remember her posts from when she first came to the UK. It's sort of strange, but I think reading about her experiences of motherhood is what first made me start finally feeling like I'm readying. I kept my nephew for a weekend when he was about nine months old. It was probably one of the most overwhelming experiences I've had with kids. Not that he was particularly difficult to handle, but I struggled to deal with the intense sense of responsibility. I felt trapped, and yearned for the sweat relief of handing him back to my sister. That was the first time I seriously considered never having kids. But for some reason Nicky's blog reassured me that having a kid is pretty amazing and life changing. So, I'm really glad there are people sharing the word about this blog.

Just wanted to throw in some support!  It really is a difficult situation to get a handle on, and it's such a big change that it can be kind of scary.  I'm not at the point of decision quite yet, but my BF would be happy to have a baby tomorrow, or yesterday even so it's always there in the back of my head.  I'm definitely closer to wanting a child than I ever have been, but it's just such a huge impact on life that I feel I need some completely superficial circumstances that need to be in place before that can happen (a license, a car, and a permanent job for a start!  ) 

I don't really have much helpful guidance to offer, but I can understand where you're coming from and just wishing you good luck! 

Just wanted to throw in some support!  It really is a difficult situation to get a handle on, and it's such a big change that it can be kind of scary.  I'm not at the point of decision quite yet, but my BF would be happy to have a baby tomorrow, or yesterday even so it's always there in the back of my head.  I'm definitely closer to wanting a child than I ever have been, but it's just such a huge impact on life that I feel I need some completely superficial circumstances that need to be in place before that can happen (a license, a car, and a permanent job for a start!  ) 

I don't really have much helpful guidance to offer, but I can understand where you're coming from and just wishing you good luck! 

Thanks for the show of support It's always scary to change your life so dramatically, especially when you are pretty happy with how things are ticking along. I used to set all these personal milestones that I wanted to do before I had kids.. travelling to certain places or having the right house. I honestly envy those who have "surprise" pregnancies. It takes all the worrying and stress out of making the decision!

Thanks for the show of support It's always scary to change your life so dramatically, especially when you are pretty happy with how things are ticking along. I used to set all these personal milestones that I wanted to do before I had kids.. travelling to certain places or having the right house. I honestly envy those who have "surprise" pregnancies. It takes all the worrying and stress out of making the decision!

You just took the exact words out of my mouth! I know that I want kids but I am honestly so torn about when to have them. DH doesn't really mind when we have them but in my head I feel like we need to set some milestones before it happens...... He really wants to visit Japan and so I feel like we should do that before we have a baby. And same as you, we live in a one bedroom flat and I would love to move house before kids but realistically thats not gonna happen for a few years and then I'm worried that I will be too old (I'm only 30 now...) or that we will end of having problems and that I will have totally missed the boat.

My younger sister has 3 little ones under 5 who I absolutely adore but I can see what hard work it is. 2 of them were 'surprises' (but not in a bad way she always wanted 3 kids.....) And the other she struggled for a year to conceive and so in a way I do envy people who accidently fall pregnant. If i found out tomorrow I was expecting (not likely I am still on the pill) I know we could cope with it, yeah things would change dramatically but I know we'd both be happy. But having to actally make that decision is pretty much terrifying to me...... In my head i'm not ready, in my heart maybe I am.

Also, I have been in discussions about getting a new job. I dont have an offer or anything yet and have only had a telephone interview but the maternity leave for the new place won't kick in for 2 years and its not as good as the maternity cover where I work now. So if I did leave then that would mean definititely no kids for 2 years which seems ages to wait, but then would we be having them in the next 2 years......

Wow, that feels good to get off my chest. So yeah, i totally get where you are coming from, i feel exactly the same way!