Where are all the 40- and 50-somethings?

I am 46 years old, married, with no children.

I spend all day working in an office by myself, with very little interaction with other people.

Consequently, for my sanity, I need to do things after work in order to meet and be around other people.

I’ve taken dance classes, joined choirs, joined a book club – things that I enjoy.

The people I meet at these activities always seem to be either in uni or just out of uni, or else over 60 and retired.

No offense to anyone older or younger,  but  I don’t have very much in common with these people and I would really like to meet some people my own age.

I realise that many people my age are busy with work, but surely some people must have jobs that do not take up so much time that they can’t spend a little bit of time outside work developing their own interests – especially in the UK, where people are more likely to work to live, rather than live to work, and where it is considered unhealthy to spend too much time at the office.

I know many people my age have children, but many of these children must be grown or at least old enough to manage by themselves when their parents go out.

I did find a 40-somethings social group in my area, but it turns out that it is a singles group.  I’m married.

Does everyone  else my age who is married just sit at home in front of the telly after work or spend their evenings at the pub? Or do they only socialise with their spouses? I go to the pub sometimes with DH and DH’s friends (people I already know), but I would like to meet new people and make my own friends  who are my age.

Any suggestions?

ETA: I don’t care if the people I meet are married or single, as long as, if they are single, they aren’t only interested in meeting people to date.

I'm 48 and I have plenty of friends my age, but lots who are a good bit older as well. I know you say you don't have anything in common with older or younger people, but if you're in the same dance class (or book group or choir) as they are, then surely you do have something in common, don't you?

I don't go to the pub (except for the occasional quiz), but I do spend quite a few evenings sitting at home with DH in front of the telly - I don't mind that, though. I generally have 1-2 nights per week (sometimes more) when I go out either to meetings or just out with friends, and he does the same. So it's not as if we sit home every night.

What about neighbours? Are there any people living near you who look roughly your age? If so, ask someone over for a coffee on a weekend or something and see if you hit it off. Look for any opportunity to strike up a conversation with someone who you think might be a potential friend. I recently made friends with the woman who sat next to me at the hairdresser. Have you tried joining a gym or doing something more active and/or fitness-related? That might filter out some of the older people, but not necessarily. Maybe give them another chance - they might surprise you! Sixty-years-old today is not the same as 60 was a generation or two ago. We're talking about lively, active, interesting, normal people - and we'll both be there sooner than we think! 

Hi sweetpeach.  We are nearly the same age (I'm 47).  I'm lucky that I've met a few good friends through UK-Y who live close by for starters, but they are not all my age.  Mrs. R is my age, mapleleafgirl is in her late 30s (she doesn't really seem much younger than me though) and magickalcattie is in her 20s, but she is so lovely (I don't really feel like I'm the age I am anyway).

Also, at my shop I got really friendly with one of the ladies who used to volunteer.  She's my age and her son is fully grown.  She's separated from her husband.  We have loads in common.

Other than that I have a few music friends, the ladies are all at least 10 years older than me, but we have fun together and have the music (and more) in common.

At first I had to settle with hanging out with my hubby's friends and their wives / partners, but that doesn't always gel as I didn't always feel like the women were *my* friends.  These days it's OK as I do have my own friends in addition to hubby's friend's partners.

I'd suggest joining some kind of a club or activity group (I know you said you've tried dance class, but try something else maybe) and you will make friends with like-minded people, even if they are younger / older.  That won't matter so much if you are both passionate about the same thing(s).

Chary, Andee, so basically you are saying I just have to settle with making friends with people of different ages than me.  I have joined different groups and met people with similar interests.  The problem is that once we stop talking about the book we are reading, or how difficult the song we are learning is, I don't have much to say.

I don't have much to add to the conversation (other than to give congratuations) when a group of women start talkin about their grandchildren getting married, or about how they want to downsize but they are having difficulty selling their house, or about the many holidays they take year round. (DH and I have recently started a business and can't afford our first home yet and, ignoring the "tacky wedding" we had to go to recently, we can't afford a holiday.)

I also don't have that much in common with people who are still living at home or have just moved out, and are working at their first entry level jobs and have never been in a long-term relationship or are maybe just starting their first long-term relationship.


I would like to meet people who are midway in their careers, like me, and who have a similar amount of experience in marriage/dating/relationships, so I can have a conversation with someone who can actually relate to what is going on in my life. I want to do more than smile and nod when older people talk about their accumulated wealth, and I don't want to always feel like the wise old aunt, talking to young people with little job or relationship experience.

Chary, Andee, so basically you are saying I just have to settle with making friends with people of different ages than me. 

If you're viewing it as "settling" then I'm not surprised you have nothing to say to those poor women. 

I didn't, however, say that that was your only option. I also suggested meeting neighbours, striking up conversations with anyone and everyone and joining a group that might appeal to younger people.

If you're viewing it as "settling" then I'm not surprised you have nothing to say to those poor women. 

I didn't, however, say that that was your only option. I also suggested meeting neighbours, striking up conversations with anyone and everyone and joining a group that might appeal to younger people.

I agree with chary.  I'm sorry you feel that away about someone 10 or so years older than yourself.  Friends don't need to be carbon copies of ourselves.

I guess I've never seen age as a barrier to friendship.  That seems so limiting to me.  I remember when I was about 14, one of my best friends at the time was only about 8.  We loved to bike riding early on a Saturday or Sunday and stay out riding for hours.  We had loads of fun together.  Then one day when I was knocking on her door to ask her to come riding her mother said to me, "She's not here, don't you have any friends your own age?!"  I was so so hurt.    I thought that was so mean!  She nearly ruined our friendship.

 I once read somewhere that to make a friend, you need to *be* a friend.  That really stuck with me. 

Since moving to London, the people I've become friends with are almost all older than I am -- 10 to 25 years older, and I'll be 39 in a few weeks.  Sure, some of them do have grandchildren, but I have a new baby so if they'd forgotten what it was like the first time around then they're getting a refresher course from their own kids.  Their perspective (and not just on kids) is something I really enjoy and appreciate.  And several don't have kids, but we have other things in common -- a love of pets, books, or other interests.  

Sure, it is a little funny sometimes when someone realizes they could easily be my mother, but eh, their kids aren't here and I can fix their computers.    

Hell, I have not so much in common with a lot of people my age other than that age thing.  I abandoned what passed for a career to be the trailing spouse, so that's a bit odd, even to longstanding friends.  Most of my US-based friends are firmly entrenched in careers and can't imagine my weird little life of frequent moves.  Of those same-agers, most have kids who are significantly older than mine and those who aren't paired up or settled down have lives that make this boring homebody exhausted just thinking about it.  

ETA:  Turns out this isn't at all what the OP was looking for, so apologies.  

Turns out this isn't at all what the OP was looking for, so apologies. 

Well, it's an example of just because someone is the same age, doesn't necessarily make them friend material.

I would like to meet people who are midway in their careers, like me,

What about looking for some sort of business-related organisation? Something to do with careers or career-advancement for professional working women? At least that way, you'd get people still working, though I'm sure many of them would be younger.

My best friends are 57 and 64, and I have more in common with them than a lot of my other friends who are closer to my own age. We all like going out, meals out, theatre, laughing, cinema, cocktails, books, museums, traveling, etc. I never see age when I look at my friends - I just see friends.

One of the best friends I ever had was 60 when we met.  I was 22.  It really is just a number.

I wonder if the age becomes more of a factor in a group setting versus a one to one setting. People tend to chat about what the majority of the group have in common. Maybe the key is making time to have one to one time with people who seem interesting to you.

I wonder about an evening class- I know you have tried a few different things, I guess it is a case of keeping trying til you find the right thing. Something along business lines, or maybe foreign languages might be good. I think foreign languages is something people our age tend to get interested in.

I am in the same age group (45) and have to admit most my evenings are spent at home, I work long hours and am too tired to go out most nights, except during Crown Green Bowling season where you will you find me outside watching my husband bowl (not a great activity for meeting people our age though :-) )

Sports? I find that, through riding, I have loads of friends of all ages, but that it is easy enough to find ones that are my age in particular--or at least at the same stage in life that I am (I don't have kids yet, which is not totally unusual but starting to be). My friends that participate in other sports also know a wide range of people--so maybe the pool of possible friends would be larger? I also tend to hang out a lot at the yard, so it's an easy going way to slowly make friends.

The other thing is that we (I mean people in general) ALWAYS think that a social interaction is going worse than it really is (if you Google around, there is a study from Stanford, I think)--so while you may feel that you have nothing to say or that there is no connection, some of it comes from the way we tend to look at our interactions with others (we often assume the other person is happier, more socially adept, etc). So some of the tension you might feel (and that feeling that you can't make friends with them) could be totally non-existent for the rest of the people in the group? Does that make sense?

I don't do much outside of the horses and reading, so I can't help with more specific suggestions, but I wanted to say good luck!

I'm 52 and moved to our current location (nr Thirsk) 9 years ago.  It took time but I've got many good friends now. 

Over the years I've decided that one thing is to accept out of all the people you know and meet in various ways only one or two will become 'all- encompassing' friends - the others are friends but mainly relate to certain settings. 

It's possible to expect too much from people and I've grown to accept that friendship works on different levels.  I have friends in choirs I sing in that I'd chat to and be happy to see but they aren't the friends I'd moan to about my husband!!  Likewise the people I know from church and through church committees are lovely but not people I'd go to the cinema with.  Keep an open mind and get to know lots of people and you might come across the one or two special people who become true all-round friends. 

Also people can surprise you.  Someone I know through church and I was chatting to about holidays and our problem with having a dog offered (out of the blue) to have the dog for three days so I could go away!  Totally unexpected and lovely - it moved our friendship on to another level - which I hadn't anticipated.

I'm not saying it's easy - it isn't.  Unfortunately/fortunately? children are a great way to meet people and I'm lucky enough to have both a grown-up child and a primary school child.  Many friends come through them.

Good luck with the search though!

I made a mistake when referring to chronological age in my OP.

I know that there are intelligent, interesting, active people of all ages.

I was referring to people who look and act old - who talk about things that stereotypical  "old people" would discuss - like selling their homes and retiring in Spain.

I don't care about the chronological age of someone - I want to meet people who can relate to me because they are at the same stage of life that I am at.

An example that I can think - for other people - of is a group for parents of young children. If you have a young child, your life probably centres around them, and you can relate to other parents of young children because they are going through the things that you are going to.

I sometimes find it easier to talk to younger people because they tend to be more enthusiastic about their futures and about things like politics and current events, but I know that I don't really fit in with them.

A business-related organisation sounds like it might be a good idea. A foreign language class might be good, too.

HG, maybe you are right that it is different in a group setting.

I made a mistake when referring to chronological age in my OP.

I know that there are intelligent, interesting, active people of all ages.

That's good, it's a better attitude; you're bound to make friends eventually!