Where are all the 40- and 50-somethings?

That's good, it's a better attitude; you're bound to make friends eventually!

It's not a better attitude - it's the attitude I always had. I just didn't express myself correctly in my original post.

It's difficult not to feel isolated sometimes when certain things define you. There aren't tons of 40-something married people who don't have children all living in the same immediate area as you.

For me, I'm a 40-something single mother with young children and I'm finding it very hard to find others in the same boat.

Sure, I do things with the younger mothers with kids the same age as my own. Most of them are married so I often feel like the odd one out. I also do things with women my own age who have both older and younger kids. I know very few single mothers. Somehow that's just the way the chips have landed for me right now and at times it's very depressing.

You just have to keep trying different things and eventually you'll find a more comfortable spot.

It's not a better attitude - it's the attitude I always had. I just didn't express myself correctly in my original post.

We have all done that from time to time!! I understand what you are saying it is about trying to find some people who are at the 'same place' in their life as you. It can indeed be a struggle-- if you grow up and live in the same area you naturally keep a group of friends who go through the stages of life with you. When you move around it is harder to find a group of friends. It is something I struggle with myself-- so if you ever find yourself around Crewe

I'm 51 and one of the youngest people in our neighborhood. It's an even older demographic we socialize with.

As my husband pointed out to me, we like to do "old people" things, like lectures at the historical society and church fêtes. Blue hair as far as the eye can see.

At some point in my life, I would like not to be the snot-nosed kid in the group.

It's not a better attitude - it's the attitude I always had. I just didn't express myself correctly in my original post.

I know.  That's what I meant.  You've clarified what you meant and that attitude is better than the attitude that I / we originally (albeit mistakenly) understood.

Awww sweetpeach, this seems to be something that you do post a lot about.  I want to give you a big (((hug))) because its just not easy.  

 It is very hard to make friends if you're not a naturally social person. Many times, people live in the same areas their whole lives and never even think about having to make friends, they just come along naturally.  But when you move, you all of a sudden have to become a social person in order to make friends.  

I don't know you, but based upon what you post, it seems like you're not a naturally social person. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that- it took me a long time to become a naturally social person.  It just means you have to try really hard to give back and be warm and friendly and put yourself out there and wrack your brains for conversations and try and find connections.  The more you do it, the better you become at it.

I also think you are looking too hard for a niche friendship.  You may not find it.   You have to try and embrace the connections you do have and then build your social networks from there.  If you're warm and friendly and engage and try to elicit different conversations, you never know where things will take you.   You have to want to let them into your lives- even if you think you may have nothing in common with them at all.   Take the bull by the horns as they say!

I'm really struggling with this for one of my closest friends trying to get her to have a social life - because she desperately wants one and complains and wallows in it - and she does live in the same exact place as she has her whole life - but has few friends. But she is also really, really picky when it comes to friends.  She too wants everyone to fall into a niche.   I  naturally social person, so I am trying hard to teach her to relax and to go with the flow and engage, grab connections and most of all to be warm and friendly and nice and to laugh and link into something and grasp at the straws that can sometimes lead to a very good friendship.  

Good luck!!!  

I am also really picky when it comes to friends.

I don't mean this to be offensive, but I don't want to be friends with people just for the sake of having friends.   I want to make friends with people that I find interesting (and who find me interesting) - people that I can talk to for hours and hours without noticing how the time is passing. I am like this with my husband and with some other people I knew in the US.

There are people that I socialize with here, but that is not what I mean by a friend.

There are people that I socialize with here, but that is not what I mean by a friend.

I know exactly what you mean. I think there is a difference between what people use the term friend for. I have several people who I socialise with, and enjoy their company but I wouldn't consider them friends. I do find it difficult at this point in my life to naturally go to that next stage into friendship. I sometimes wonder if I read too much into things- and know that I don't usually take the initiative to set up one to one meetings which I do think makes a difference into developing a true friendship. I have tried to be a bit better about this.

I know exactly what you mean. I think there is a difference between what people use the term friend for. I have several people who I socialise with, and enjoy their company but I wouldn't consider them friends.

This.

I blame Facebook for destroying the meaning of the word "friend". Nobody has 1000 friends.

This.

I blame Facebook for destroying the meaning of the word "friend". Nobody has 1000 friends.

LOL so true-- it is a conversation I try to have with my students regularly! (especially when the complain about someone bullying them and I have to ask what they are doing on their 'friend' list if they are abusive to them!--but sorry that is another topic!)

I am also really picky when it comes to friends.

I don't mean this to be offensive, but I don't want to be friends with people just for the sake of having friends.   I want to make friends with people that I find interesting (and who find me interesting) - people that I can talk to for hours and hours without noticing how the time is passing. I am like this with my husband and with some other people I knew in the US.

There are people that I socialize with here, but that is not what I mean by a friend.

I really get that.

I've noticed a pattern in my friend-making over the years: I'll meet someone who I like well enough but wouldn't really call a friend but through them I meet the people who become my friends-group. Usually the person who introduces me isn't even part of the group - more of a "friend of a friend" type thing, or someone who lurks around the edges.   

I don't mean this to be offensive, but I don't want to be friends with people just for the sake of having friends.   I want to make friends with people that I find interesting (and who find me interesting) - people that I can talk to for hours and hours without noticing how the time is passing. I am like this with my husband and with some other people I knew in the US.

You say this, and I wonder if you may not give some people enough of a chance?  Now, I know for me personally, I am a pretty good judge of character and I can tell the people that I have absolutely no interest in getting to know.  However, I have also found that there are some people where it just takes some effort before you realise that they are more interesting to you/compatible with you than you initially thought.

It sounds a bit like you want to meet a person and it will strike like lightening.  Sometimes this happens (one of my very best friends I met randomly in a bar and we instantly hit it off and hung out the next day and almost every day for the month following), but more often than not, it doesn't.  When I came over here to uni, there were people in my course that I thought I would get really close to, but it turns out my best friend here was the quiet girl that I didn't really think I would connect with.  It took us a few months but she's just one of the best people I've ever met!

Also, you mentioned that you feel like you connect more with some people younger than you on certain things but that you *know* that you just don't fit in.  I wonder how much of this is just you feeling uncomfortable with the fact that you're older than they are?

Good advice NoseOverTail. Thanks.

Another issue that I have is that since I have been here, the only people that I have been able to connect with right away have been men, and I'm not sure how to develop the friendship without giving the wrong idea or violating etiquette rules that I'm not aware of. (Although DH has female friends and it's not an issue.)

Nothing wrong with developing friendships with the opposite sex.  You develop them in the same way as with the same sex- discussions, sharing interests, having fun, laughing, drinks, dinner, whatever.   There doesn't need to be anything flirty or innuendoes or anything involved.

Does your hubby have a hang up about you hanging out with the opposite sex - is that nagging at the back of your mind?   Because if that's the case, its always going to be hard unless you chat with your hubby about that and clear up his insecurities.  If he's already cool with it, go with the flow and enjoy!

I agree, as long as your hubby is fine with it, it is fine. If the friendship develops naturally you will surely be mentioning your great husband so you shouldn't be sending any mixed messages to your new friend.