Relationship Challenges...

I'm applying for my fiance visa as we speak/read/type... it's actually in New York on some ECO's desk waiting to be processed...

And during the whole process of me and my DF gathering all documents, evidence, etc... things kinda became strained, most of it my fault because I had such horrible tunnel vision to get the visa done and dusted.  We have been talking about this visa and planning on it since February, so I'm sure anyone can imagine my urgency and excitement recently to finally get to a place where we could apply and be successful (9 long months later).  For what seemed like weeks, we weren't able to actually talk about anything else but the visa... it was like being tied to a stake with a rubber band: every time we tried running away from the visa topic, we were whiplashed right back into it full force.  Now that we have it sent off to NY, I'm still finding things to worry about with it and we still talk about it... but we're finally moving back to normal... slowly.  It's been one stressful ride, but I want it so badly and every tear, scream, a stress headache was worth it...

But, my question I leave to you is has anyone else been through this?  I know people post their successes with their visas and their woes... but what about what goes on between you and your partner?  Has anyone else experienced such strain?  Or more so, is anyone else willing to share a bit? 

But, my question I leave to you is has anyone else been through this?  I know people post their successes with their visas and their woes... but what about what goes on between you and your partner?  Has anyone else experienced such strain?  Or more so, is anyone else willing to share a bit? 

First off, good luck with the visa!

To answer your question, I think I got a bit dramatic and bratty when we were going through the whole visa thing. In general, I always want to know what the worst case scenario is gonna be. And if I can live with the worse case scenario, I let it go and stop worrying about it. But in this instance, I couldn't stop worrying about because I couldn't in my head live with the worse case scenario of not getting my visa. My constant worrying stressed my husband out...mostly because he could see that I was unhappy and inconsolable. But luckily he's a very understanding and kind man, so we managed in the end. It also helped that we knew we loved each other no matter what happened and where we had to end up living.

Ultimately, I found exercising helped me a lot. If and when I was frustrated with the situation, I worked out. I sweated until I was exhausted and didn't have any energy to think anymore.

Feel free to PM me if you want to hear the specifics.

For us it was a bit different, but still stressful. Hubby moved to the States first, and while he was there on a three month visa waiver visit, we applied and he was able to stay while they made the decision on his. We hired an immigration attorney at the tune of $3000 retainer and $52 an hour, although we only paid for about 2 hours because he said we'd paid enough to retain him. That was a breeze. He did all the work other than gathering the supporting documents and we'd just drive to him, sign things and head out for a nice meal while we were in that city. I've heard he wouldn't be able to stay during the decision now, but they allowed it in 2005.

For mine, we had been married a few years. He came back here, and I followed a few weeks later for a 6 month visit before returning to the US to file. We had all the supporting documents ready before I got there, and I filed it online on my second day back, jet lagged enough to have to read everything twice to verify I was reading it correctly before answering.  We still had some tension, and worries, but not like someone who is having to go through it all just to be living together in the same country for the first time. It felt odd being apart for four weeks, then again for eight weeks, after being married a few years, but looking back we managed just fine. I stayed at mom's during both of those times, and she pampered me.

Good luck, and relax. 

We found the visa process pretty stressful as well. Back when we applied we were really worried about our finances, so I ended up staying in the US for 4 months with DH working in the UK before we thought we were ready to apply for our spousal visa. Looking back we probably went a bit overboard and could've applied earlier and not spent so much time apart, but at the time we were so scared of being denied and not being allowed to live in the same country together. It didn't help that besides each other, our families, and this board no one we met seemed to realise how difficult the process was, so we ended up doing a lot of worrying with each other rather than to other people who didn't really understand why we were so scared.

Like vchpa, we thought of the worst case scenario, and that actually made us feel loads better. At first the worst case was not being together, and that was really hard to deal with. But we knew that the hardest applications would be to get me to the UK or DH to the US, so we decided that if my application to the UK were denied then we'd move to nearly any other country in the EU, which would be super easy to move to since DH could use his EU treaty rights and I could go over as his spouse. Some countries like Germany and France and Ireland really didn't seem like that bad choices to live in for a couple years. Then we could either reapply for a spousal visa to the UK once we were more settled, or wait a few years until DH could qualify to apply as a British citizen living abroad in the EU, which was a simpler and cheaper process. We even picked out our second choice country and when I felt stressed I'd look up social groups and cool things in that city that made the second choice seem not so bad. And the main thing was that we knew that if my visa were denied then we could still be together, and that helped so much in making the application process less stressful.

We never would've told an ECO about our backup plan because we've always wanted to live in the UK together and we wouldn't have wanted to give anyone reason to doubt that. It was just a much worse second case scenario that was pretty much a coping mechanism, but it helped, because we knew that no matter what we'd be together. And luckily my visa was issued and we didn't have to use our backup plan.

We went through tons of crazy stuff due to immigration compared to what our friends have had to go through in their relationships; the amount of stress and money we've invested in visas, and time spent apart. And so much of it happened really early on when we'd only been together for a few months or a year. But we got through it all, with both of us stressed for what seems like years, and I think it actually made our relationship stronger than it would've been if it had been easier because we knew we wanted to be together and could get through anything, and then we ended up proving it. We just got our ILR in the summer and even we were surprised at how much of a weight we felt taken off of both of our shoulders, even after being here two years on a spousal visa.

Just remember that all this visa stuff is temporary. I know it's scary thinking of a government not giving you permission to live in the same country as your fiance, but if you're on this board and were knowledgeable enough to send in a complete visa application (bearing in mind that I don't know anything about your specific case) I think it's really unlikely it would be denied. If it is, there are backup plans that would let you two still be together, and eventually move to the UK. And once you get through it all your relationship will hopefully be stronger as well.

It's so easy to let the visa stuff worry you so much that it's hard to relax and think of other things, but really now that it's submitted just try everything you can to take your mind off of it, especially if you're the one who's more worried and kind of bringing it to the table, even if you're trying not to. Try to spend time with your DH talking about things that don't involve the visa or immigration and that aren't stressful. Do all the things on the lists of activities for LDRs, like date nights watching films together with your fiance or playing board games online, to give yourselves an activity to do together that'll hopefully distract both of you enough for you to just have a good time together.

This was our 3rd transatlantic move; this time coupled with a US citizenship for him that we are still dealing with even though we are in the UK now. My hubs and I had nothing but this move on our minds for what seemed like months. Eventually I couldn't wait for him to go out with friends or even just go upstairs while I watched a girlie movie on the TV. We needed that alone time so we didn't kill each other!

We've been married 7 years and visas, moving, all of it -- it never gets easier. I look forward to a move that somehow doesn't correspond with some sort of visa process. Such is the life of a transatlantic couple!

So moral of my story - the strain goes away... Until the next visa application!

Thanks everyone for your input   It really is great to have some place like this to turn to with people who understand.

I love all the ideas and the stories shared... it has helped a lot, seriously!  We're still struggling at times... even had a little tift this morning... but we're back to being ourselves, full of love, and happy... I think I just realized I'm so tired of going every day without him, having to go through day-to-day life more or less alone.  I know he's there for me via email or skype, but his actual presence weighs so much more and I just miss him.

I'm really happy you all have had happy endings, and now I'm ready for mine   Fingers crossed and lots of prayers!  I hopefully should hear from the consulate next week about their final decision.

Even though hubby was on a board for Brits living in America when he was over there, it didn't cross my mind to look for a place like this for me when I was going through the visa process and first adjusting to life without everyone and everything familiar. It also would have been great in the time we were apart before marriage, but it never crossed my mind to look for a place where people were going through the same thing or had gone through it. Glad you found it so you have a place to vent and share happy times. I know I am happy to have it now. As much as I love life here, sometimes a person just needs to talk to people who truly know what they are going through whether it is a happy or sad thought.

I don't handle stress very well to begin with and I get very frustrated when I have to rely on other people to do things (they never seem to do it 'right' or fast enough for me) so I definitely went super psycho during the visa application process, even though I had done extensive research and felt fairly confident. 

I think it's normal for relationships to feel a bit "strained" (for lack of a better word) during times like this.  Just think of it as practice for other stressful events you will need to overcome in the future!

I'm an absolute nutcase this weekend... I miss him so much, and I'm getting really frustrated with all this waiting for my visa.  Breathe in, breath out, breath in, breathe out... lol

Got my visa issued today!!!

Congrats! 

Hooray! Are you breathing normally again? I think it took a couple days of being able to touch the UPS envelope and take the info out to read and re-read several times before I could relax and breathe again.

Doing a happy dance for you! 

If you think the visa process to move to the UK is hard, try the visa process for moving to the US! 

Even though it was back in 2003 when I filed the fiance visa for my Brit hubby, I still remember the frustration like it was yesterday. I filed the petition in Aug. 2003, it didn't get approved until Jan. 2004, he got the visa in late Feb., but he couldn't come over until April 2004. During that time, we only got to see each other a total of 2 weeks. And back then, you didn't have Vonage or Skype, and the Yahoo/AIM IMs weren't all that reliable for video chat, so we basically just relied on the phone calls and chatting online. I remember crying myself to sleep at night worrying over the process, and wondering about it being rejected. I hated knowing that my future was in the hands of some government lackey.

In the end, you just have to take it day by day, and although it'll be at the back of your mind, you need to focus on the future. I remember telling him all the things I wanted to do with him, all the places and foods I wanted to introduce him to, discussing wedding plans, etc. I think focusing on those things really helped.

I'm glad I read this thread tonight. I am actually feeling some strong anxiety because we are counting on my OH getting a job offer so we can move back to the US. It was supposed to come through today, but it didn't. Lots of our plans hinge on it, and its making me sick with worry. Reading this brought to light that we've been here, done that though. And we'll figure out a backup plan if this falls through and at least we'll be together instead of separated.