I don't know what to do..?

Okay, so, here goes I guess. Rather a complicated situation I suppose as most long distance crap is. I'll attempt to simplify it all for the sake of not making this massively long. Myself and my.. English man.. have known each other for almost 6 years now. (I am going to be 20 in a matter of days) I have always had a crush on him and I eventually did fall in love with him after the original 4 years of knowing him.

We went through a lot of drama when I was there, last year, with him telling me he didn't know if he could seriously endure the long distance of our relationship. Although we continued like we were a couple the rest of the time I was there. Wasn't that a good idea? /Sarcasm/

I left pretty heart broken and confused after a full month in England. So, when I got back to the U.S, I would tell him when we spoke on Skype that all I wanted was to just be with him. He'd tell me that I was better off with someone here because it was easier that way. I was trying SO hard to find any way to get there to be with him. If I'm being honest, I did like England very much so, but the reason I was trying so desperately was to try to get back to him. We've always had been the "couple" that was together, but wasn't at the same time. If you know what I mean.. which always confuses matters.

Now, about four months ago, I pretty much gave up after trying every which way to get there, accepting I was never going to go back to England and there was no way we'd ever be together for real no matter how much I wished it would. I did find someone here that I mildly fancied three months ago and I told him this because I tell him basically everything. He didn't react the way I thought he would. I thought he'd be nonchalant about it and be happy for me if I decided I wanted to pursue a relationship with the guy.

But he ended up getting emotional, crying, and telling me that he loved me, and if I did choose to be with this guy that he'd try to be happy for me. But that he deserved all this for hurting me and not making up his mind about us. I've decided after the said guy showed true colors that I do not wish to be anything with him..

So.. anyways, now, that I have an iPhone we can text (for free! Woo!) and we have been texting back and forth and we had this conversation today about how exactly this would work. Now he is the one that is so sure about wanting to be with me. He says it was an unfortunate way how it happened but that the thought of me not being in his life scared him. That he didn't want to lose someone that he loved so much and that he was an idiot for not seeing how deep his feelings were for me.

I am just really confused, has this kind of thing happened to anyone else? I mean, I still love him more than anyone and he IS my first love. But I'm afraid if I do say 'Ok, we can try this long distance thing for real now.' (Even though it's basically what we have been doing it's just NEVER been official) What happens then? Just continue as is with the label 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' now? Or what if he hurts me again? I've told him that we'd basically have to get engaged and get married if we wanted to be together, and that is that. Which I can't even do until I'm 21 anyways.

He's saying things like, 'I want to be with you and I want to give us a shot, I can't sit back and wonder what if. How could I not love you in return you're funny, sweet, always there for me, have a wonderful personality and are so beautiful. I realize it would be hard but I want to be able to call you my girlfriend, my woman, my lover and my best friend' Ugh, that was so hard to type out, I feel like crying now. >_<
BUT, now I'm seeing it from his old point of view. This would  be extremely hard, seeing and hearing him on Skype is just like a cruel joke because I can't touch him or be next to him. I want to make this work but I'm really scared about everything a "real" relationship with him would be like. It is my dream come true that he wants to try to REALLY be with me, but now that I'm getting it, I'm so afraid. He's even talking about coming to visit me again and that we should try to visit each other twice a year.

I just can't make up my mind, what would you do if you were in my shoes? :/

So, I know I'm just asking a bunch of strangers their opinion but.. I guess I just need more input even though I have spoken to a few friends about it. Although my grandmother seems to wonder how a relationship with someone in a different country would work, yeah, so that helps.

Thanks for reading..

Let me start by saying I'm old enough to be your mother, which can make it hard to give good advice sometimes. Old people think they know so much, right?

You are in a very difficult position, because even if you guys got married and everything was totally perfect, you will still find pitfalls with immigration. It just isn't easy. And, of course, your both so young... But it sounds like you know that anyway, and you are aware that the mixed signals you have gotten from him could be a bad sign.

That said, a lot of people on this site must believe in true love because we gave up most of everything we owned and left our friends and family behind to be with someone else. If we didn't believe, we'd just say, "meh, I'll see who I can find on Match.com."

What about school? I think, though even it is getting harder these days, studying abroad is a very good option. Are you in college? Are you getting awesome grades? That might be something to consider because if you decide you are going to get straight A's so that you can study abroad to be able to see where this relationship goes, even if the relationship fails, well, you've got an awesome degree, haven't you? And, of course, the same would hold true for him.

So maybe don't think about it in terms of absolutes. Consider that you both think you want to be together, and look at options that could make that happen that would also have a lot of upside if the relationship didn't work out.

I do know one couple that fell in love when they were kids, moved in together in their twenties, and got married in their 30's. It is a miracle just to be around them because they are so meant for each other. So that can happen. Or you can have a tumultuous and interesting relationship that doesn't last, but that leaves you with good memories and leads you to other things.

I actually have a great friendship with a fellow that I loved when I was 20. It didn't last, he married someone else, had kids, got divorced, figured out he was gay, and fell in love with a great guy that he married just a couple of years ago. But before I moved to England to be with my husband, we had dinner together and laughed about everything that had changed in our lives, and were just grateful to have gotten where we are today.

Would I trade my gay ex-boyfriend for a simpler path through life? No way! Would I trade all the ex-boyfriends plus two years of Skype relationship with the man I ultimately married for something easier? Not a chance.

So I guess look after yourself and make smart decisions, but keep your heart open. You never know how things will turn out until they turn out.

Hi Hun,
It must have taken a lot for you to write all that down and bring it out in the open - doubts and everything!

I can't tell you what to do, only you know that and I am a big believer in us knowing the answer if we search deep down. I can only give my experience as a person who has come out the other end of a LDR and whose husband is now here in the UK (I am a UK citizen). LDR are not easy but are well worth the hard work if you truly believe in your relationship. I know we had a couple of 'wobbles' but most of the time we were on the same page so to speak and personally I think that is essential to enduring the distance.

The 'wobbles' we had were when my other half had the 'wobbles' - it took 2 days of not communicating before he said he realised he could not cope without me and was a big 'shock' to him about how he reacted (crying for the 2 days). That was 2 years into the relationship and here were are 3 years on, married and settled in the UK.
We are quite a bit older, granted and have both been married before and this may or may not make a difference.

Skype was hard initially, and always harder after a physical meeting/visit, but we got into a good routine and for a few years it was our main form of communication and became easier to deal with. You do have the days where you just want a hug but can't get one and that can be tough but all I can say is follow what your heart is telling you, in all honesty it could be a year, 2 years or longer (depending on circumstances) and the need for a lot of commitment, trust and honesty before you are together permanently but ideally you do need to plan for both of you to be on the same page. 

I would also agree with Sharashara's last sentence! 

Sorry if I haven't been much help but I felt I needed to respond as reading your post made me feel for you!

 

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to let you know that this was pretty much the story of me and my now husband 15 years ago (I was 18 and he was 22). Back in 1996, we didn't have Skype or other free instant texting services, so it was definitely easier to just call it quits and go our separate ways. We only reconnected in 2008 and began a long distance relationship in 2010 when technology caught up with us. Oh and when we finally could afford the plane tickets back and forth.

Looking back now, it ended up being a good thing that we ventured on our own for so many years, because it allowed us to make mistakes, mature and become individuals. I think I love and appreciate him more now than I would've when I was 18.

If you feel like this guy is the right one for you, you can't change that. But is this the right time? Are you both ready to make the sacrifices required to make a long distance relationship work? Have you both accomplished everything you want to as individuals? Do you have a solid identity of your own?

Whatever you decide to do. Good luck! Be bold and the mighty forces will come to your aid.

 sharashara,

Sometimes motherly advice is the best kind of advice, haha. But I completely agree and that is why I'm having trouble making up my mind. It's not that I don't love him enough, this has a LOT to do with immigration and what is required. I have done my research and even for people that have their lives all figured out pretty much, it is HARD. With us being young, although he is five years older than me, I just really have nothing to bring to the table. I am going to be going to community college here, we do have a study abroad program but I have no idea if I'd be able to do that kind of thing yet. I also believe in true love, but I trusted him more than anyone not to hurt me and that's exactly what he did. I've forgiven him but I just can't forget that it happened, ya know? He seems really adamant about how he feels now and that he knows this is what he wants. But.. I just really am torn. One part is like, LET'S DO THIS! And the other is like, But, what if..? Thanks for sharing your own experiences, that always helps me and thank you for the advice, I will try not to think of this as an absolute and freak out.

rosiebee,

Aw, thank you. I just really needed other's input that didn't have any ties to my situation. (I.E my friends that saw how depressed I was, My family that saw how hurt I was after I got back, so whenever I mention his name now they're like, UGH, HIM. Kind of annoying) I never really wanted to get married to anyone but, he is someone I'd gladly marry, we just get on so well and we are always making eachother laugh, he is just so fun to be around. I completely agree, Skype can be such a little b*tch because you just want to reach through your computer and yank him out, haha. No, you have! Thanks so much for the reply/your own experience I really appreciate it.

vchpa,

Thanks for the reply and (unfortunately I'll have to finish this later, my friend is here to pick me up! Argh!! >:C I'll edit this when I get back)

Hey Mandy,

Just a bit of personal experience from someone similarly aged to yourself here! I met my now DH when I was in high school. We worked a lot during school/college to save money to travel back and forth for a few years. Then I moved over to the UK as a student when I finished school and we both went to uni together. We got married while still at uni (19 and 22) and boy has it been great but also so tough at times! I wouldn't have done all of that if I had any doubts about us what so ever. There was a time when we were so broke we could hardly afford to eat. I owed £5,000 to my uni and DH could not find a job even with a degree. We were hungry and angry and really depressed but the only thing that we knew that was constant and really terrific was our foundation and strength together. If I had what ifs I don't think I could have made it through. If you think your BF is going to wimp out and do this to you over and over again, then I think you need to give him some time to mature. It's not easy when you're stuck in a new country with no support system. You need to be solid together and be on the same page before getting married.

So what I'm saying is, give it some time and see how you feel. Don't rush into things and if you two can stay strong while you're apart, then at least that shows you that while he did hurt you in the past, he can be better and learn from what happened. He's only human after all. I always say that everyone will have baggage, problems, and people you love will hurt you sometimes. That's life.

I can add my story,

We met July 98 playing online text adventures. He was 21, I was 20. We fell in love almost immediately.

In Feb 2001 he asked me to marry him. In between that we broke up 3 times cause the long distance part sucked, too much strain, it would never work type stuff. We always ended up coming back together again though. I was fortunate enough to be able to travel over to the USA a couple of times a year as I worked for my family so I would just save up cash and poof to America for a month at a time.

I left with my engagement ring and him promising to fill out all the immigration paperwork. He never did. In Feb 2002 he broke up with me one last time saying it just wasn't going to work.

When I got past the sick, cold shakes, my life is over feeling I realised I knew better, I told him he could meet me at the airport or tell one of our friends to come pick me up but that I was booking a flight immediately.

One extremely sheepish looking fiancé met me at the gate. Apologised profusely hugged me like he hadn't seen me in a year and confessed to his inability to do complicated paperwork combined with a horrible procrastination streak.

I filed the paperwork for my visa before I left and got back to the states permanently in Sept 2002. 9 years later we are going back the other way and guess what.. muggins got to do all the paperwork again.  

I knew in my heart of hearts he was the one. The crap we went through I believe made us so much stronger, he is my best friend as well as my husband.

Mainly I knew if I didn't try I would regret it for the rest of my life. He was everything to me, he occupied my thoughts, my heart, my world. Every cliche you can think of

It worked for us, he drives me nuts on occasions, I'm sure I do likewise to him but I wouldn't give him up for anything.

Ultimately I say follow your heart, go and see him again if you can, get your feelings resolved for each other in person and decide where you are going from there. And good luck.

So maybe don't think about it in terms of absolutes. Consider that you both think you want to be together, and look at options that could make that happen that would also have a lot of upside if the relationship didn't work out.

I really like this paragraph. Now when me and DH got married, we were in our late 20s and we knew right away what we wanted. We both had done the time in bad relationships, I had a heartbreaking and shortlived LDR w an Aussie and couldn't do it again. We'd both been to uni -- it was the right time for us.

I really like the idea of living your life for you and just putting in the time and research to figure out how you can include him. Don't forget about YOU in this process. It is very difficult not to be blinded by love. Things will work out!

So maybe don't think about it in terms of absolutes. Consider that you both think you want to be together, and look at options that could make that happen that would also have a lot of upside if the relationship didn't work out.

I like this too.  I moved to the US to live with my boyfriend AND go to grad school when I was 23.  Given our age and the amount of time we had been together (18 months), we just needed more time together before deciding to get married.  Luckily for me, there was a great university with the perfect course for me, so I wasn't moving just to be with him. 

Would I have gone to grad school in the US if it hadn't been for him?  Probably not - a 5-6 year PhD is a long time to be away from home and family.  Would I have gone to grad school in the UK?  Maybe, I don't really know what I would have done.  I guess what I'm trying to say, is that my relationship with him has shaped my future to some extent, but I didn't lose my individuality or give up any dreams in order to be with him.  In fact, I was still able to pursue my own goals as an individual.  At that age, coming straight out of college, that was important to me.

Okay, so, here goes I guess. Rather a complicated situation I suppose as most long distance crap is. I'll attempt to simplify it all for the sake of not making this massively long. Myself and my.. English man.. have known each other for almost 6 years now. (I am going to be 20 in a matter of days) I have always had a crush on him and I eventually did fall in love with him after the original 4 years of knowing him.

We went through a lot of drama when I was there, last year, with him telling me he didn't know if he could seriously endure the long distance of our relationship. Although we continued like we were a couple the rest of the time I was there. Wasn't that a good idea? /Sarcasm/

I left pretty heart broken and confused after a full month in England. So, when I got back to the U.S, I would tell him when we spoke on Skype that all I wanted was to just be with him. He'd tell me that I was better off with someone here because it was easier that way. I was trying SO hard to find any way to get there to be with him. If I'm being honest, I did like England very much so, but the reason I was trying so desperately was to try to get back to him. We've always had been the "couple" that was together, but wasn't at the same time. If you know what I mean.. which always confuses matters.

Now, about four months ago, I pretty much gave up after trying every which way to get there, accepting I was never going to go back to England and there was no way we'd ever be together for real no matter how much I wished it would. I did find someone here that I mildly fancied three months ago and I told him this because I tell him basically everything. He didn't react the way I thought he would. I thought he'd be nonchalant about it and be happy for me if I decided I wanted to pursue a relationship with the guy.

But he ended up getting emotional, crying, and telling me that he loved me, and if I did choose to be with this guy that he'd try to be happy for me. But that he deserved all this for hurting me and not making up his mind about us. I've decided after the said guy showed true colors that I do not wish to be anything with him..

So.. anyways, now, that I have an iPhone we can text (for free! Woo!) and we have been texting back and forth and we had this conversation today about how exactly this would work. Now he is the one that is so sure about wanting to be with me. He says it was an unfortunate way how it happened but that the thought of me not being in his life scared him. That he didn't want to lose someone that he loved so much and that he was an idiot for not seeing how deep his feelings were for me.

I am just really confused, has this kind of thing happened to anyone else? I mean, I still love him more than anyone and he IS my first love. But I'm afraid if I do say 'Ok, we can try this long distance thing for real now.' (Even though it's basically what we have been doing it's just NEVER been official) What happens then? Just continue as is with the label 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' now? Or what if he hurts me again? I've told him that we'd basically have to get engaged and get married if we wanted to be together, and that is that. Which I can't even do until I'm 21 anyways.

He's saying things like, 'I want to be with you and I want to give us a shot, I can't sit back and wonder what if. How could I not love you in return you're funny, sweet, always there for me, have a wonderful personality and are so beautiful. I realize it would be hard but I want to be able to call you my girlfriend, my woman, my lover and my best friend' Ugh, that was so hard to type out, I feel like crying now. >_<
BUT, now I'm seeing it from his old point of view. This would  be extremely hard, seeing and hearing him on Skype is just like a cruel joke because I can't touch him or be next to him. I want to make this work but I'm really scared about everything a "real" relationship with him would be like. It is my dream come true that he wants to try to REALLY be with me, but now that I'm getting it, I'm so afraid. He's even talking about coming to visit me again and that we should try to visit each other twice a year.

I just can't make up my mind, what would you do if you were in my shoes? :/

So, I know I'm just asking a bunch of strangers their opinion but.. I guess I just need more input even though I have spoken to a few friends about it. Although my grandmother seems to wonder how a relationship with someone in a different country would work, yeah, so that helps.

Thanks for reading..

MandyBoo...As a guy let me weigh in here. Long distance is almost always crap in some way.

1. You need to try and figure out why he kept telling you that you would be better off with someone else. Most guys do not like to admit defeat and why was he so quick to do so? This could be for a myriad of reasons.

2. Why was he ok with telling you to meet someone else until you actually did? It could be anything.

If I were you I would at least start with those two questions and see if you get a response that you feel is both honest and heartfelt. I'm going to be honest, we guys can be quite dumb. I am usually very good with relationship advice, but only when I actually know both people and therefore both sides.

From what you say it could be anything from the fact that he thinks you are too good for him to him not wanting a full time GF. Basically too many unanswered questions.

You need to get some sincere answers from him and go from there.

With all of that said I wish you nothing but love and happiness. You sound like a kind and patient person who deserves nothing less than to be truly loved for the incredible human being that you are!

Best wishes and luck...MikeyMike

Thanks so much to everyone for sharing their experience/advice, I really do appreciate it. I still haven't given him an answer if I'll be his "official" girlfriend, but.. just wanna think about it. I'm leaning towards yes though. :'D

MikeyMike,

I have asked him that, more than a few times and have kind of guilt tripped him rather. "Why do you want me -now- when someone else wanted me? Why did it take THIS to happen before you finally woke up?" <-- Something along the lines of that was said. He just says that it was the thought of no longer having me in his life that snapped him out of his persisting unsure ways. We were even talking about possible marriage down the line, and arguing over baby names today over Skype--YEAH, I know right. o__o

Feels like our relationship has done a 180. In a good way though.

I just feel like he is the one I'm meant to be with. I don't want to be with anyone else. He's so perfect for me, I just need to get over my own fears I suppose. I just wish we didn't have a freaking ocean/border separating us. I really miss him a lot. :/ Aw, thank you so much for that compliment that made me smile!

MandyBoo,

I am truly so happy for you and hope that your relationship is the stuff that fairy tales are made of. Souns like things are going great and sometimes it does take the fear of losing something for a guy to come to his senses. I sincerely hope he realizes what a dummy he was and how fortunate he is to have someone like you in his life! YOU GET IT GIRL!!! I also expect to hear some updates from you occasionally!

Much love and happiness,

MikeyMike

Is there any reason he won't immigrate to The U.S. as opposed to you having to emigrate to The U.K?

I think Mikeymike has very good advise. If my girl told me that she fancied another guy that would be grounds for separation.

Well, it sounds as though there isn't much you can do right now except follow your heart. Try it long distance and see how committed you are to each other. Maybe instead of discussing long distance plans, just figure out when you can travel to see each other again and make the most of what you have now. LD relationships are so tough, but if you can hack it as a long distance couple for a while, it shows you are patient and have trust and you can make it through most anything. Good luck!