Issues with husband's son

I do not have any children. My husband has one son, who lives with us. His mother has contributed nothing to his care since the divorce, except for Christmas and birthday presents.  She sees her son about 1x month.

My DH and I are newly married, and the only time an argument arises, it is because of his son.  I was raised very differently. We did chores, respected our elders, had to participate in family events, had to eat dinner with the family, etc.

His son calls the shots, and my DH lets him. His son does nothing, absolutely and completely nothing, as far as chores go. He doesn't even clear his own dinner plate. He won't carry his clean clothes up the stairs. He has never, ever, washed a plate, wiped a table, picked up fuzz from the carpet. He never, ever makes his bed. His room is filthy 24 hours a day. He won't help carry in the shopping. He won't wipe his feet. He will only bathe 1x or 2x a week, and only when reminded. He rarely brushes his teeth.

He requires a separate meal every single night because  there are only about 5 things that he will eat. Meat has to be cut for him. Potatoes must be buttered for him. If there is a gram more butter than he is used to on his potato, he'll either rudely complain, or won't eat it at all. He is emaciated. My DH gets all upset because the kid won't eat.  Anything that he likes is the most expensive things you can buy. All of the dinners I prepare for him are "not good" (I am a VERY good cook).

He rarely talks, to me, his father, neighbors, friends. He claims he is "painfully shy". Personally, I think he is "painfully rude". I was very shy as a child, and still managed to talk to adults when I had to.  He has never once, in a whole year, called me by name.   When he *does* talk, it is usually in a very rude and condescending manner. I have tried to win him over in every way I can think, until I realized he is this way with everyone. He expects everyone in his life to cater to his every whim and desire, to serve him and do his bidding.

My DH told me that when his son was very young, his son's mother would give him candy for dinner, and let him do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, because she didn't want to discipline him, didn't want her child to be "mad" at her.  My DH worked long hours and his ex did most of the day to day care until his son was about 5. Last Christmas she gave him, I kd you not, 40lbs. of candy. My DH spoils him in ways that would blow most people's mind.

I don't know why I am posting all this. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. I am starting to feel resentful against this unbelievabley lazy, spoiled brat!

Hello! Did I miss how old your stepson is? How did you get along prior to the marriage?
I have a step-father (my mum re-married when I was 17); so I have my own views on someone pushing their way into my life. However, the behavior you've explained is not normal. He is emaciated and will hardly eat anything. He bathes 1x or 2x a week and only when reminded? He has difficulty in social situations? Has he been checked for Aspergers or any form of social disorders?
If the real mother sees her son only 1x/month which is odd in my opinion and speaks highly of her lack of being a mother- you are going to the mother role model. You and your husband need to set up rules which are fair for everyone. I would recommend that the child has a thorough examination. I know what my mum would do... she'd say, "You'll eat when you get hungry." However if the child is emaciated, clearly that's not good.

It really sounds like your issues are with your husband rather than your son.  As the father and sole parent (for the most part), it is his responsibility to create and enforce rules, be the primary disciplinarian, and basically be the adult and parent his son.  It really doesn't sound like he is doing any of it and instead is taking the easy way out by just letting his son do whatever he likes.  He's doing his son a real disservice.

Were you aware of the way their relationship functions before you married?

Oh, sorry. He is NINETEEN years old.  I realize I called him a "child", well, because that is how he acts.

He is extremely smart in university, studying maths. He has a group of friends that he'll go out with maybe 1x or 2x a week for a couple hours. Other than that, every minute of the day is spent on his game/computer.  I do hear my DH's friends complain of similar things with their teenagers. So some of it might be "normal" for 2012, but other things I think are extreme spoilt/brattiness/antisocial behavior.

My DH says he has talked to his son until he is blue in the face. (I do believe this, as I have heard it often). My DH is also very brainy, and easy-going. He expects his son to listen, and when he doesn't, he thinks there is nothing he can do. I said, "Umm..... punish him?" He doesn't want to do that. I should add that my DH's parents were alcoholics that barely paid attention to my DH, so I think his attitude was to shower his kid with all the love, attention, gifts and special treatment he rarely received. He does *everything* for his son and gets very upset if I even hint that his son is spoiled rotten.

I did know before I came here how it was, but I guess *living* with it is a whole other ballgame.

"Disservice"   - that is exactly the word I used when discussing this with my DH.  His son's mother's side of the family are all rather antisocial, barely educated people.  He doesn't get any positive role models from family. (My DH's family are mostly dead.)  I fear for his son's future. He is going to have to learn to get along with people, to socialize, to keep himself neat and clean, or he'll never get along in the world. By the way, his mother is the same way.  She's worked a very crappy job for 30+ years, she bathes about 1x a week and rarely brushes her teeth or hair.  My DH, on the other hand, is immaculate.

It's just a very odd situation.

Well, at 19, he is certainly not a child; but again still brainy. He's never been checked for any social disorders and is just lazy? Entitled? Arrogant? Rude? You are in a catch 22 because this is your husband's son and yet you are married and the son is living with you. Could he live at a dormitory or something?

My sister and her DH recently had his brother start living with them. Just a few years older than your step-son and nearly identical behaviour! They once had to force him to go to the shop to buy toothpaste because he hadn't been brushing his teeth (and we're talking for weeks here...)

Anyway, they're not sure what happened to make him that way because he has another brother around the same age who has turned out just fine. He was more spoiled than my BIL was and rarely, if ever, punished, so I think that may have to do something with it. He's also quite antisocial.

My sister has set a lot of deadlines for him. As in, he has to be earning enough money to live on his own by August. They had to spend the last few months lecturing him about work ethic and job applications, but he has thankfully managed to get a job this week. My BIL has also requested that he make a list of weekly/monthly goals and if he doesn't meet something that is perfectly achievable within that timeframe, they knock a week off of the amount of time he's allowed to live with them.

It may all sound a bit harsh, but I think at that age if they haven't managed to garner some responsibility on their own, you almost have to force it out of them with threats. The trick is actually sticking to your words so that he doesn't think you're pushovers.

As Greeyes mentions, perhaps you should look into having him live at uni - just don't let him come home for you to do his laundry! 

Greeneyes - no, he hasn't been tested for any antisocial disorders. He was a very happy-go-lucky kid, lots of friends, very talkative, until he hit puberty (long before the divorce). Then (like most his age), he changed. I do think a lot of it is typical of teens now (totally stuck to their games/cellphones/iPads/Facebook/texting, etc. I see kids in town, completely oblivious. Two of them nearly walked right into me, their heads were so far up their arses.

But the entitled attitude - I dunno.... maybe I don't know enough teens. Maybe I'm just getting old.

He doesn't want to live in a dorm (why would he, he's got it made here?!) If he didn't get accepted to the university of his choice, he was going to go to another one, and live with his mom, but he got accepted to his first choice.

Elle - that all sounds quite reasonable to me, and much like what my parents would do in the same situation. I guess I can't compare my childhood to my DH's son. There were 4 of us, where he's an only child. My parents were quite religious and strict.

I have only had harsh words with him once.  My DH and I were talking to him and he was answering in a very smart-alect way. I  looked around and said, "Who are you talking to? I know you're not talking to me like that." He responded, "I'm talking to both of you." I said, "You might talk to your Dad like that, but you will NOT speak to me like I'm a moron. Understand?"  He actually looked shocked!  I will stand my ground, even if DH doesn't.

Ah well, it felt good to get it out. I appreciate the responses.

If I were you, I would stop making special meals for him.  He's 19 years old, he can make his own food.  It's nice of you to cook for him at all (I mean, you're all adults), and he's clearly ungrateful, rude, and is taking advantage.  I'd also stop doing anything else that is specifically for him - his laundry for instance.  It might seem harsh at first, but in the long run it's better for him - he needs to learn these things before he leaves home.

I'm not sure what you can do about the rest of the behavior.  Perhaps impress upon your DH how important it is that he has good personal hygiene and is polite to people, that he won't get very far with friends/jobs if he doesn't take care of these basic requirements.  Is he depressed at all?

I think your DH needs to understand that being nice and spoiling his kid might be nice for him in the short-term, but in the long-term it's not preparing him for the real world.  For example, if he is this lazy, what are the chances he is ever going to get married?  What wife wants to pick up after her husband every second of the day?

I agree. Don't do special cooking for him. Don't do his laundry. And if he smells bad, ask him to leave the room. Tell your DH if he's going to live there in a hovel of a room, fine, but you and he are not his servants and you, at least, won't do it anymore.

I agree again with the other posts. This anti-social behavior can be common for teen angst; but he is 19 and at university. I think you and DH need to have a frank talk about expectations. Yes, it is his son; but you are now in his life and are not a doormat. I am pretty sure you didn't think you would get stuck with rude, immature, lazy young man.
Regarding the bathing thing- he's not one of those eco-friendly weirdos? I know people will get offended... that believes we should save water right? Everyday at a certain time, give him a towel and say this is the bath/shower, now go everyday until it's a habit. Same with any form of personal hygiene. And I also agree on cooking special meals because it does not appear to do with food allergies.
Harsh? Maybe. But one day, he should actually thank you because he will get a good kick in the ars* if he doesn't shape up from the outside world. I have a lot of experience with teens and while I have met my share of spoilt beyond belief- even they know a thing or two about crossing boundaries.

He sounds like someone who needs a swift kick up his backside. He is an adult. He should now be helping around the house and pull his own weight. Before me and my siblings turned 18 we were all told the only way we could remain living in the house is if we were going to school but even then we had to contribute to chores. If we didn't go to school, we had to pay rent. And still had to do chores.

Others have mentioned behavioural problems but I would also question whether it's a drug issue? Maybe worth a look around his room one day, just to be safe. However, you mention he is on his computer all day then I wonder if he's just one of those people who get crazy addicted to their computer?

You need to speak to your husband. This isn't some little kid who you need to nurture and mother, this is some adult brat who needs to know you're not his slave. If he can't deal with that then he needs to find his own place!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome ? The strong attachment to routines, mathematical brain and aversion to meeting people/inability to see the impact you are having on other people is ringing a lot of bells... University maths and physics departments are crammed full of people like this (come to think of it, so's my family). At a guess, he's probably pretty normal among his group of friends at university?

I have to agree with those saying that you stop cooking him meals and the like.  If he isn't going to appreciate what you do for him then stop doing things for him, he's 19 and he can figure it out.  He's an adult whether he acts like one or not.

And I don't really think this can be pinned down to being an aspie... some of what he does it very aspie like but he would have had issues with making friends and interacting with others and understanding social behaviors as a child.  My sister is an aspie and while she isn't into math and such, she does have a hard time understanding certain social interactions because they don't make much sense to her.

I think you may have a teenage boy on your hands. The really bad thing is that teenagism in the male of the species can last until roughly 60.

Marriage, kids and a mortgage, combined with hair loss and a crappy boss will usually take care of it.....but not always.

I really appreciate everyone's responses and have carefully mulled over all of them.  I think the crux of the problem is twofold:

1. My DH doesn't have a problem with his son being a spoiled brat.  DH's parents were alcoholic and paid little attention to him growing up. As a result, he spoils his son rotten.

2. My own guilt for not being able to work at the moment. My DH works full time from home. His son goes to school full time. I do neither, so the house is "my job".  This is my contribution, since I cannot work at the moment. I told my DH that I have no problem doing all the housework, but even DH helps often. However, when I get my FLR(M), I plan to work, at least part time. What then? It will most likely coincide with the son being on summer vacation. I know I will be furious coming home from work to find the dishes and laundry piled up, and the kid sitting in his dirty cave of a room, on the internet all day.

To the person who asked if the son doesn't take a bath because he is eco-friendly - well, if you saw his room, it would dispel that notion. Hee!  No, he's just lazy and dirty, unfortunately.

The sad part is that my DH actually makes me feel very guilty about the whole situation. He goes on about how the son has "had a lot of changes" since the divorce. From my view, he's had minimal changes, and most of them have been rather positive.  It is the only thing DH and I argue about. He simply does not understand how his son's actions hurt my feelings, make me angry and make me feel used and isolated in my own home.

When DH and I are home alone, everything is wonderful. As soon as the son comes home from uni, the atmosphere changes. It is awkward. The only good part on that end is that he spends most of his time in his room.

Again, I don't expect and clear-cut answers as it is a complicated situation. I appreciate the support and the chance to vent.