How do you make family happy/ decide which country to marry in?

If everything works as planned, my boyfriend and I will get married next year. We are planning to apply for a fiance visa this fall and I will move to the UK and we will get married 4-5 months later(early 2013).

That being said, my wedding would have to be in the UK. Thankfully my family is supportive of our situation, but I want to make everyone happy. My immediate family does not have $5,000+ to fly to England to attend my wedding. My grandmothers are getting older and  its not in their best interest to put them on a plane for 8 hours and travel overseas. Regardless, my mother and father said they are not missing my wedding. My boyfriend and I are trying help with the plane ticket expense. My mother wants us to consider a US wedding too, which we have considered but that would mean we would need to move up our wedding plans. We are not engaged yet, I am visiting BF in England this summer and we plan to be then if everything goes well.

I am very close with my grandmothers. They gave more of a negative "maybe" answer about coming to England. I know they are going to be upset when I move, and I just want to make them happy. If they don't get to attend my wedding, I think they will be devastated. It's hard for them to understand how strict the border agency and visa rules really are. They don't really understand that getting married and having a UK wedding is the easiest option for us since we want to get a UK fiance visa. If we don't get married in the US and they cannot attend our UK wedding, they will probably see it as my "fault" rather than the fact that we are in a complicated situation and trying to do what is easier for us.

Whatever country we do marry in, we still plan to have some sort of reception in the other country. So as of right now, we will wed in the UK and have another event in the US. I have explained this to my family but they don't seem happy and they say that it's "not the same". I know a lot of people in these situations show their wedding live online for their families, but I'm not sure if my family will settle for that. I am already stressed enough trying to start thinking about planning a wedding and applying for visas. I know nothing about weddings, I have only been to one in my life! This is my choice. I'm doing this for myself and my boyfriend, so we can finally be together and be happy. I can't help but constantly feel guilty about leaving my family and unintentionally omitting them from the wedding.

How do you make everyone your family happy in this situation? Or at least try?
What sort of events are options for the country that doesn't have the wedding? Do you do a banquet or a reception? Do you have a brunch or dinner and then show photos on a projector? Do a speech? I would love to hear anyone thoughts and own stories about international weddings.

Thank you!

I found myself in a similar situation actually. I was so worried about unintentionally hurting family members and leaving them out of our special day.

DF and I are eloping in about 2 weeks in Vegas. So our initial ceremony is going to be for us and about us (plus, it helps speed up the visa process - we wanted to get in under the rule changes that are coming). There's the option for our families to watch the ceremony, so they'll be able to see that way, but apart from my mom and a few of his friends (and everyone on this board), no one will know that we're getting married until a couple days before.

Then we plan on having celebrations in both the UK and the US.

We've realized that we can't make everyone happy and that someone will ultimately get hurt. But we've got to do this for us and this is about our future. So hopefully our families can be happy for us and want to celebrate with us when we are able.

And I hope your family will eventually understand too. 

Honestly, it sounds like you are trying to be really accommodating with your family.  Contributing to plane ticket expenses/putting on a reception for them back home - these are all nice things so you shouldn't be feeling guilty.  The reality is that you can only have one "real" wedding (whatever real means to you and your family, legal or religious), and if people can't travel then it's obvious that one side is going to miss out.  Your family knows this.

It sounds like they perhaps aren't being very understanding.  It's natural to feel disappointed, eg. "I'm sad that I won't be able to come, but I'm very happy for you and I'm looking forward to the reception", but making you feel guilty when you're trying hard to accommodate them seems unreasonable.

In terms of trying to make it more equal, have you thought about having a legal ceremony in one country and a church, or other religious ceremony in the other?  Or, sometimes people do a vow renewal at the second wedding.  You can make it as much like a real wedding as you like, with wedding dress/bridesmaids/flowers etc.  Some people also put up photos of their first wedding which often people like to see.  Or you could set up a video of your vows at the first wedding.

ETA.  It wasn't clear to me if you had considered this, but you could get married in the US without your fiance needing to apply for a special visa (assuming he's not planning to live in the US afterwards).  Then you would apply for a spousal visa to the UK.

It's always been my stance that your wedding is about you and your partner and should be what YOU want.  I know this may come off as selfish, but I truly believe that it's YOUR special day, and it's important that it's more about celebrating you and your partner coming together to form a family than trying to arrange everything to please others.  (and you can't please everyone)  If you want to get married in the UK, do that.  If you want to get married in the US, do that.  I've known couples who got married in a third location, so EVERYONE had to travel in the end.  But in the end, it's your wedding, and you should do what you want to make it your special day with your partner.

DH and I married without any family or friends present.  Just the two of us and the Justice of the Peace.  Aside from the personal reasons we wanted to have a ceremony alone, it also ended up being equally fair to both families as neither felt left out, nor put at a huge financial disadvantage trying to get to the other country.  We had small receptions in both countries with family members (nothing too fancy, very casual get togethers at restaurants with everyone sharing photos and chatting), and while they were a bit disappointed they couldn't attend, they did, in the end, understand that we wanted it to be a ceremony just between the two of us and that actually, it was quite fair to everyone.

I think lots of family members object at first, but in the end, they just want their loved ones to be happy. 

They don't really understand that getting married and having a UK wedding is the easiest option for us since we want to get a UK fiance visa.

Just curious here - why do you prefer the fiance(e) visa?

No matter what, you can't make everyone happy.  So you have to do what's right for you.  Getting married in the country in which you currently live (and/or will be living at the time of the wedding) is the easiest thing to do...it's just so much less stressful to plan when you can meet with the vendors and check out the reception hall etc etc etc. 

My husband and I had a quick and dirty justice of the peace wedding to legitimize our fiance visa, and then a year later we had the "real" wedding.  When we had our first technical wedding there was a lot of sturm und drang from my in-laws.  But the following year they all showed up and dern if they didn't have an awesome time.

Could you do something like that?  Get the fiance visa requirements out of the way and plan something big for a year or two down the line?  It will be a lot easier and cheaper for your family to plan with a little notice. 

However, I know a *lot* of people who had two weddings.  Well, one wedding and one big reception/marriage blessing thingy.  It's expensive, but it is fun and it does enable to you to celebrate with everyone posssible.  For the first wedding the international parents and close family come over, and for the second one the grandmas and cousins and so on for whom the journey was too expensive or arduous can celebrate with you. 

But it all comes back to doing what's best for you.  Gently remind your family that your international move is a huge and stressful life change and you need their support.  Of course you want them to be involved and ask them to try and see how you're trying to compromise.  They need to meet you halfway.  I promise you, if you are kind but firm they will come around eventually.  Good luck!  I seriously know a lot of 1/2 American couples so feel free to contact me if you want to bounce ideas off me or just complain.   

Just curious here - why do you prefer the fiance(e) visa?

Yeah, I was wondering that too... marrying in the US would save you hundreds of pounds in visa fees and would also mean you only have to apply for one visa instead of two (instead of applying for a fiance visa, and then an FLR(M) visa after the wedding, you could just apply for a spousal visa and be done with it).

You could just forego the fiance visa, marry in the US, apply for a spousal visa and move to the UK.

You would also be able to work (or study) in the UK immediately - whereas it's illegal to work in the UK on a fiance visa... so that's potentially up to 6 months of you just having to sit around and not be able to earn any money at all, or even volunteer in an unpaid position, or study either.

I found myself in a similar situation actually. I was so worried about unintentionally hurting family members and leaving them out of our special day.

DF and I are eloping in about 2 weeks in Vegas. So our initial ceremony is going to be for us and about us (plus, it helps speed up the visa process - we wanted to get in under the rule changes that are coming). There's the option for our families to watch the ceremony, so they'll be able to see that way, but apart from my mom and a few of his friends (and everyone on this board), no one will know that we're getting married until a couple days before.

Then we plan on having celebrations in both the UK and the US.

We've realized that we can't make everyone happy and that someone will ultimately get hurt. But we've got to do this for us and this is about our future. So hopefully our families can be happy for us and want to celebrate with us when we are able.

And I hope your family will eventually understand too. 

It's really good that you will be in before the new rules! I wish I could say the same for myself but we wouldn't have enough time.

I'm really happy for you. I think the wedding with just you two is a great idea. It seems like it would make your family and friends less upset (if they wouldn't have been able to make it if you had a ceremony with guests).

Thank you...I hope you have an amazing time in Vegas and everything goes well for you!

In terms of trying to make it more equal, have you thought about having a legal ceremony in one country and a church, or other religious ceremony in the other?  Or, sometimes people do a vow renewal at the second wedding.  You can make it as much like a real wedding as you like, with wedding dress/bridesmaids/flowers etc.  Some people also put up photos of their first wedding which often people like to see.  Or you could set up a video of your vows at the first wedding.

ETA.  It wasn't clear to me if you had considered this, but you could get married in the US without your fiance needing to apply for a special visa (assuming he's not planning to live in the US afterwards).  Then you would apply for a spousal visa to the UK.

DH and I married without any family or friends present.  Just the two of us and the Justice of the Peace.  Aside from the personal reasons we wanted to have a ceremony alone, it also ended up being equally fair to both families as neither felt left out, nor put at a huge financial disadvantage trying to get to the other country.  We had small receptions in both countries with family members (nothing too fancy, very casual get togethers at restaurants with everyone sharing photos and chatting), and while they were a bit disappointed they couldn't attend, they did, in the end, understand that we wanted it to be a ceremony just between the two of us and that actually, it was quite fair to everyone.

I think lots of family members object at first, but in the end, they just want their loved ones to be happy.  

Just curious here - why do you prefer the fiance(e) visa?

Thank you for these ideas. Like I said I know nothing about weddings and have a lot of research to do! I would really love for my friends from the US to be my bridesmaids in the UK but I doubt they would be able to make it over. So it's nice to know I have the option to make the second celebration just the same as the first. Even if we didn't do a second ceremony, I like the idea of having a reception with a nice dinner and a lot of photos and stories from the wedding. Maybe have little engraved gifts for the guests.

I have started thinking of the idea of just the two of us traveling and getting married in a third location (but we wouldn't be able to do the fiance visa). This way (like you also mentioned) people would be a bit less upset if they knew nobody attended the wedding, rather than feeling some people attended while they couldn't. Would also save the money we would have spent flying people over and put it toward having nicer receptions in both countries.

But it all comes back to doing what's best for you.  Gently remind your family that your international move is a huge and stressful life change and you need their support.  Of course you want them to be involved and ask them to try and see how you're trying to compromise.  They need to meet you halfway.  I promise you, if you are kind but firm they will come around eventually.  Good luck!  I seriously know a lot of 1/2 American couples so feel free to contact me if you want to bounce ideas off me or just complain.  

Thank you for your support.
I'm trying very hard right now to sort this all out seeing as the wedding will probably be about a year from now and once we figure out what country and what guests can come, we will need to find a venue, theme, dress, ect! It's so stressful.

I know it is *traditional* for parents of the bride to help out with the wedding cost, but I don't expect it from mine. Though I do hope that in exchange, they can save up some cash to help pay for their plane tickets if they can come to the UK for my wedding.

Yeah, I was wondering that too... marrying in the US would save you hundreds of pounds in visa fees and would also mean you only have to apply for one visa instead of two (instead of applying for a fiance visa, and then an FLR(M) visa after the wedding, you could just apply for a spousal visa and be done with it).

You could just forego the fiance visa, marry in the US, apply for a spousal visa and move to the UK.

You would also be able to work (or study) in the UK immediately - whereas it's illegal to work in the UK on a fiance visa... so that's potentially up to 6 months of you just having to sit around and not be able to earn any money at all, or even volunteer in an unpaid position, or study either.

There are a few small but sort of personal reasons we want to do the fiance visa.

As of now, we plan to have the wedding in the UK. We want to be able to plan the wedding together. We also want to live together a few extra months before the wedding. So it's easier(though more costly) for us to do fiance visa because I can be in the UK with him before the wedding and then stay there after we are married.

Also because we planned to be living together by the end of this year. We don't want to move up the wedding date because we are not prepared for it to be this year. So if we wanted to go straight to spouse visa, we would have to get married earlier than we wanted in order to live together this year. We don't want to wait until our planned wedding date (2013) to marry and just do the spouse visa. So we think the fiance visa is right for us. I know I cannot work until we are married but he will help support me and I am working full time until I leave so I will have savings.

I hope that makes sense.

Just curious here - why do you prefer the fiance(e) visa?

Maybe I can chime in here.  My DH and I also opted to go the fiance visa route, and there were a variety of personal circumstances in our situation that made it the right option for us.  We knew that many UKY people got hitched in the States and went the spousal visa route, but talking it all over it just didn't feel right for us.  Here is a quick and dirty run down of our reasons, and maybe others have had a similar experience:

1. My family in the US are spread all over tarnation.  It wouldn't have been cheap or easy for most of my family to attend, no matter where in the U.S. I decided to hold it, because my family doesn't have one central location or "homebase" that is easily accessible for everyone.

2. We didn't want a big white wedding and we felt like a registry office wedding the UK fit our wants and needs better than a courthouse wedding or similar in the US.

3. We wanted to be together ASAP and be together to plan it and for the time leading up to the big day. 

4. *And this was the most important reason for me* I wanted to start our new life together WHERE we were actually going to have a new life together.  For me, a Stateside wedding would have felt rather... anticlimatic and nonlinear.  I know this is not the case for most people, but for me personally it would have felt like it was just a formality to tick some boxes for a visa and not a "real" wedding if we had done it in the states.  I wanted to kick off the rest of my life with the man I love in the hometown where we would be raising our children, surrounded by the people who would be playing daily roles in our everyday lives together.  Yes, it was slightly more expensive and slightly more hassle... but it made it real to us and made it right to us and that was well worth the extra bit of trouble.

I knew of one couple who had a huge wedding in both countries. It is a family I have known for years (lived in he same town but not family friends). His whole family flew over here and they had a big to-do for her extended family and friends. A couple months later her family flew to the States and they had a big to-do for his extended family and friends. They've lived in the States since.

That isn't possible for everyone, but if you have loads of money or a fairy godmother it is a grand idea. 

We ended up more or less eloping.

It's really good that you will be in before the new rules! I wish I could say the same for myself but we wouldn't have enough time.

I'm really happy for you. I think the wedding with just you two is a great idea. It seems like it would make your family and friends less upset (if they wouldn't have been able to make it if you had a ceremony with guests).

Thank you...I hope you have an amazing time in Vegas and everything goes well for you!

Thanks so much, Jenny! It was perfect for us and we had our families on both sides of the pond watching.

I was very much having the same dilemma but then I realized that this had to be about us and for us. I'd do it the same way all over again! 

Hello, having a similar problem when I chose to get married over in the UK rather then the USA. My Mother was really upset but at the end of the day, we did have our wedding in the UK.

I don't think you will be able to please both families. All you can do is explain why you are chosing to marry in the UK and hope for the best. If they aren't willing to be understanding about it, there isn't much you can really do. Best of luck to you and your fiance.

My husband had been living in London, but is Icelandic so we got married there. At the end of the day, with the way the economy is in Iceland, we knew that more Americans would be able to make it to Iceland than Icelanders would be able to make it to America. And then later, we had a big boffo reception in America and I made a big deal about doing lots of extras for mom so she could have the full on experience and for others who might have been sad that they couldn't be in Iceland.

There are always ways to make things special for people, even if they can't be there. Can you think of special favors you can ask your grandmothers? Like borrowing something, or asking them to help you pick the meal blessing? That way, they're a part of it all even if not in person.

We also managed to set up a live webcast of our wedding, and by all accounts, it turned out well. We just asked our videographer if he could set something up for the service, and he did. 

We haven't decided which country to actually tie the knot in, but we're planning to have a courthouse/registry office wedding with just the two of us, and then have an informal party in celebration with each our families.

We've each got family members who can't travel due to medical problems or lack of funds, and since neither of us wanted a big formal wedding, it seems like a good option. 

To the OP: I think the marriage in one country with a reception in the other would be good - maybe you could repeat your vows in front of the ones who couldn't come to the actual wedding.

In the end, though, it's your wedding, not theirs. My experience is that no matter what you do, someone somewhere will wish you'd done it differently - so whatever will make you and your new husband happiest.

Me and my bf have talked about this if we get married. This is our Plan A setup (we will come up with a Plan B too just in case): I'll get accepted into a postgraduate UK program for this fall and during that time if we decide we're happy and ready, we'll get engaged and I'll transition to the spousal visa. It would be much more practical to get married in England seeing as how I'd already be there. Of course my family would prefer that we got married in the states and I'll be honest, at first I wasn't too sure about getting married in England but now I'm perfectly fine with it.
Keeping costs in mind (I know I won't have all the money in the World to spend especially if I get accepted onto a postgrad course) and the fact that the vast majority of my family in the states couldn't/wouldn't make the journey across, we decided to split it up in a sense. So, we'd have a small ceremony/reception in the UK with all his English friends/family and just my immediate family (mom, dad, sisters' families, possibly grandma if she's up for the journey). And at a later date we'll have a reception-style gathering back in Ohio for all my family/friends who couldn't make it. My sister kinda did the same thing when she got married and it worked out great- the two of them were married at a court in Florida near where they were living and later on they came back to Ohio for a large reception with family/friends.
My only concern with this is that I don't want to cause any problems with my friends/family getting their feelings hurt because they weren't invited across the pond. I'll do my best to explain the setup to them about the stateside reception!