What to do now?

Thank you all for your replies.  This is so very heartwrenching to say the least.  If I didn't care for him it would be easy, eh?

We've been together for nearly two years.  At first he rarely drank at all and proclaimed how drink never answers any problems, only makes them worse.  Slowly over the course of the two years he's begun to drink more and more.  

He also assures me that after we're married he won't do this.  Having come from an abusive marriage the first time around, I know firsthand I can't change him.  Only he can do that.  I've called him out several times now about his drinking, including when he was here.  He says he drinks because he's lonely and out of boredom.  I think he gets started and doesn't know where to draw the line.  He's asked me for my help.  He wants me to tell him when to stop, basically, when he's had enough.  I can't spend my life policing his drink.  He will grow to resent it and so will I.  He also says he can just walk away from it anytime he wants.  All of this sounds so typical of these types of behavior.  I don't want to be the one to have to tell him "you may not drink".  I'm not his mother.  He needs to be responsible for his behaviour.

He is a very nice person, a kind person and a person I don't want to just turn my back on because he has a problem.  At the same time, and this is my problem, I don't know how to not let his problem become mine.  

"I can quit anytime" reminds me of the smoker who said that and to prove it they said they quit three times yesterday!

   To my knowledge he has called in "sick" to work on a Monday three times within the past year because he's had too much to drink over the weekend. 

He did come to visit me a couple of months ago for two weeks.  During the time that he was here he drank a twelve-pack a day.  He woke up wanting a drink. 

He said he was just enjoying his holiday, but since he's been back in the UK he's drinking more and more on the weekends.  I don't think he drinks during the week.

I feel like such a horrible person for feeling the way that I do about this.  I don't want to appear judgemental or anything of the sort.  I just don't want to make a huge mistake.  I am concerned that this has become an unhealthy relationship for him.  He says that he drinks so much because he's unhappy and he can't be happy until we are together.  This also scares me because in my former marriage I was responsible for my husband's happiness and that is too much responsibility for a person to shoulder.

The amount he's drinking is not normal.  Even if he does drink like that "only on the weekends," it is a form of binge drinking and not normal.

If he's had to call in "sick" to work due to drinking, this is not normal, and indicative of a drinking problem.  Drink is interfering with his life in that respect. 

"He says that he drinks so much because he's unhappy and he can't be happy until we are together."  It sounds like he drank plenty when you were together during your visit.  A holiday can be enjoyed with less, or no, booze.  If he's determined to drink, and it sounds like he is, he will find another reason to do so.

Because I've been married to a person with substance-abuse issues (alcohol and others), I would echo the "run from this man" view.  Mine too initially came across as a sweet, gentle man, who seemed to want the same things from life I did.  It turned out that he was more like a rebellious teen than a grown man.  The longer we were together, the harder it was for him to hide his problems.  It doesn't even sound as if your man is trying to hide his.  Consider it a warning. 

It sounds like the prospect of being in the UK without the possibility of even visiting "home" for a long time has made you think hard about the conditions under which you would be there.  I don't blame you.  If you decide to make this move, look up the nearest Al-Anon group and women's shelter to where he lives.  You may need at least one of these.   

Dennis also made good points.  If this man continues with this behavior, including putting a burden on you for his happiness, he's not worth it.  He needs to be happy with himself before he can be happy with someone else.  Good luck, and may you make a decision with which you can feel at peace.   

 

Thank you all for your replies.  This is so very heartwrenching to say the least.  If I didn't care for him it would be easy, eh?

We've been together for nearly two years.  At first he rarely drank at all and proclaimed how drink never answers any problems, only makes them worse.  Slowly over the course of the two years he's begun to drink more and more. 

He also assures me that after we're married he won't do this.  Having come from an abusive marriage the first time around, I know firsthand I can't change him.  Only he can do that.  I've called him out several times now about his drinking, including when he was here.  He says he drinks because he's lonely and out of boredom.  I think he gets started and doesn't know where to draw the line.  He's asked me for my help.  He wants me to tell him when to stop, basically, when he's had enough.  I can't spend my life policing his drink.  He will grow to resent it and so will I.  He also says he can just walk away from it anytime he wants.  All of this sounds so typical of these types of behavior.  I don't want to be the one to have to tell him "you may not drink".  I'm not his mother.  He needs to be responsible for his behaviour.

He is a very nice person, a kind person and a person I don't want to just turn my back on because he has a problem.  At the same time, and this is my problem, I don't know how to not let his problem become mine. 

You're telling us all the "right things," but do you believe them?  Do you really believe you can't change him?  I hope so, because you can't.

You say you called him out several times on his drinking, including during his visit with you.  He told you he drinks because he's lonely and bored.  He was lonely and bored during your two-week visit?

It might not be a bad idea for you to visit an Al-Anon meeting in your current area.  They may be able to help you make up your mind as to whether or not you really do want to commit to this man and his issues.  The man and his issues do (currently) come as a package deal.  I wish you luck and peace. 

Go with your gut.  Deep down you know something isn't right.  It is better to be safe now than sorry later.  Dennis the Menace made poignant points...clearly there seems to be a drinking problem.

You say you called him out several times on his drinking, including during his visit with you.  He told you he drinks because he's lonely and bored.  He was lonely and bored during your two-week visit?

That was exactly what I said to him when I called him out.  I even asked him if he felt like he needed to drink to be with me.  I was trying to drive home the point to him that the whole lonely and bored thing was a copout.

Yes, I really do know that I can't change him.  I've been down that road before.  It doesn't work.

Thank you for your honesty with me.  I really just needed some confirmation that what I was thinking wasn't off-base and that I'm not making mountains out of molehills.

Definitely go with your gut on this one. You're seeing red flags everywhere, and no matter how much you love someone, red flags before the wedding spells misery after it. Even if he isn't abusive when he has been drinking, his need to argue everything you say will grow worse over time. I keep hearing that drinking is the British culture, as an excuse for heavy drinking, but I have yet to meet a Brit who drinks 12 a day - some days more - every day. Sure, even I drink far more here than I did in the States, but I have never met anyone without a drinking problem who consumes that much.

He wants me to tell him when to stop, basically, when he's had enough.  I can't spend my life policing his drink.  He will grow to resent it and so will I.  He also says he can just walk away from it anytime he wants.  All of this sounds so typical of these types of behavior.  I don't want to be the one to have to tell him "you may not drink".  I'm not his mother.  He needs to be responsible for his behaviour.

This right here says it all for me. You know already that this is what is going to happen. I hate to sound harsh, or Grinchy about it, but you owe it to yourself to think about what you are willing to go through. Waking up needing a drink, and drinking a 12 pack a day - or more are sure signs he isn't going to quit once you are married.

Like it has been said before, a person can't depend on someone else for his/her happiness. You are not a parent or birthday entertainer who is responsible for entertaining and keeping someone else happy at all times. If he isn't happy with himself, no one is going to make him happy.

Just take the time to think it all through. Saying you will marry someone does not mean it is already set in stone and you can't change your mind when you see what you are getting into. If he gets help for the drinking, and finds a way to be happy, then it would be easier to get into.

Oh dear.  Now that you've elaborated on his drinking habits it does sound like he has a problem.  That's not British culture--he can't use that as an excuse.  Oh, this must be horrible for you, but I think you know what you have to do.  It's unfair of him to say that you need to tell him when to stop drinking and that he'll only be able to stop when he's happy and with you.  Nonsense.  We all deserve a life partner who can make essential responsible decisions (better stop drinking since I have work tomorrow) for themselves and who have the basic tools to make themselves happy, or at least content.

The process of an international marriage is complicated and expensive--don't do it when your relationship is in this state.  Good luck and big hugs.

Just wanted to let you all know that your responses were very helpful to me.  I've gone a bit quiet on the subject because I'm mulling all of this over.

One thing I would like to add is that my SO doesn't drink a 12-pack every day.  I don't think he drinks at all on most days.  But when it comes to the weekend he over does it. He does have a problem.  He uses alcohol to dull his loneliness and when he's not working he thinks it's perfectly okay to do so.  Drinking to "feel better" is a problem.  It's one I'm not sure I'm equipped to deal with.  I would like to help him, but he has to see this for the problem that it is.

I have to figure out what role, if any, I play in that.

Take time and think it over. You're the only one who can know what is right for you, and although advice is helpful, it is your decision to make. It is one of those situations where you know you can't make a decision lightly. Just know we are here for you if you need to vent or talk about it.

The fact you are seeing the situation for what it is instead of through rose tinted glasses and thinking 'all will be fine once we are married' is a good thing.

Thank you TamaMoo.  I will probably be back to do that from time to time until I figure this out. 

I've invested myself in this relationship and this person.  I love him very much.  It's hard to know exactly what the right thing is sometimes.  But I also know sometimes you have to separate your emotions from the situation and be rational.  I'm trying my best to do that.  I've asked myself, "What would I say to my friend who was in this situation?"  I don't know what I'd say to her other than, "Take your time with this and think very carefully about it."

I've thought about calling his sister to speak to her about the situation.  He needs some support and a swift kick up the backside.  I've also thought about issuing an ultimatum.  "It's the beer or me".  But I'm not a big believer in ultimatums.  He acknowledges he's been drinking far too much.  Maybe that's a step in the right direction.

*Sigh* 

Since my last post my SO hasn't gotten drunk.  That's a good thing.  However, because I stated very clearly to him how serious the situation is he's become a bit freaked out. This past weekend he demanded that I tell him yes or no to whether or not I would move to the UK.  We've been moving through the K1 visa process and have not had the interview yet. 

I told him no.  Three weeks was not enough time for me to make that decision, to see that he would no longer repeat the past pattern. He says I'm making this my way or no way.  I then reminded him of the number of times I'd called him out on his drinking, the promises he's made and subsequently broken concerning that. 

He acknowledged all of this, apologized for trying to back me into a corner and promised, again, to stop the binge drinking. 

Why do I now feel guilty for stating clearly what should be painfully obvious?  My logical self tells me that the pattern will repeat - that if we don't work this out now, and if I'm not able to establish healthy boundaries for myself and what is acceptable behaviour it only spells more disaster down the road.  No matter how heartbreaking and hard it is now.  For me it has not only become a problem of alcohol, but of allowing myself to be taken for granted by accepting broken promises.

I have a friend who is a full time caregiver for their wife. The stress of that led to alcoholism and he ended up in the hospital going through detox while his disabled wife had to go into a care home.

Alcohol is a very destructive addiction and I think he needs to start going to AA and prove his commitment to it before even considering marrying someone. Based on what you have written I expect he will say he doesn't need it, which I think means he is still in denial.

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

I've been thinking about all this and I have a suggestion. 

You say you might be "forced" to move to the UK if you decide to be with this man.  Have you ever been there?   If you haven't no wonder you are spooked about going there to live.

Also, if you haven't been there, you've not met his family, friends and support network.  You can learn a lot about a person from hearing what their friends and family say about them.  With "domestic" relationships, we get this information naturally.  It's harder to get what other people think of your loved one if you aren't able to be around those other people.

If you and this man can come to some sort of middle ground right now, I'd suggest you visit him.  You can see what life is like in the UK.  You can find out more about him and his life.  And, you can be face to face to discuss whatever you need to discuss.  Whether it's a new beginning or a goodbye.