is it me or him??

Hi everyone i need some advice and you guys are the best to ask.

my boyfriend is now living in the uk after deciding he wanted to come here to study and to be with me. Now that he's here im getting alot of grief from him. Im currently studying at university and have a job so time is already limited but we are constantly arguing about the fact that i tend to see him 3-4 days a week. He is not happy with this and thinks i should be with him on a daily basis. I understand his view partially but at the same time i cant help but feel like he is being selfish. I explained to him the situation before he moved here; that i had alot going on and would not be able to see him everyday but its not good enough now that he is here. He feels that he made a huge sacrifice (which i am very aware of and specifically asked him not to make) and that i should be working harder to make things happen but what else can i do. Although i work, it is part time and not enough to pay the amount of rent he would want from me and he lives 2 hours away so even the money spent on petrol seeing him is killing me. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? am i being unreasonable? Its not that i wouldnt love to be with him more but its kind of not possible at the moment

If he knew the score before he chose to move, you're not being unreasonable.  If he can't find a way to make things livable, other choices will have to be made.  Your time in college won't be forever, but it is cutting into other things for now.  Do not jeopardize your education over this.  It is important for both of you to have good educations. 

I'm surprised you're able to see him 3-4 days a week!  Plenty of dating couples don't see each other that often.  I wish you luck and success.   

   

You're not being unreasonable at all.

My BF is the UKC and I am the USC. When I moved over, it was to do a masters even though we were already in a relationship. I got a flat in the West End of Glasgow near my uni and my BF lived in a suburb that was a 20-25 minute train ride away. When I was first here, I was trying to see him a lot, but it just was not feasible. I had too much going on and needed to be near my uni's library and resources during the week, and I couldn't afford to be in and out every single day on the train.

After a month, I decided to just go to his house on the weekends. I'd get there on Friday afternoons or evenings and go back to my place on Monday mornings. It worked for us, and the quality of time that we spent together was much better since I wasn't having to sit there and worry about getting back on time or doing my work. If I had an essay due or a party with friends, I might skip a weekend and we would just meet up in the City Centre for lunch on the Saturday or Sunday. I had to do what I had to do.

All that said, it sounds like your BF is probably having a difficult time settling in socially, which is normal. Has he made very many friends? It is so important that he tries to establish his own life rather than being entirely reliant on you. He (and you!) will feel so much better!

Two hours away is a really long way! That's 4 hours round trip! You can't possibly do that every day. If he moved to be closer to you, he really should have gotten closer than 2 hours away if he expected to see you every day, since you were the one already established. Silly. If you lived within a few minutes of each other, I could see expecting to see each other most days of the week  but two hours? No way.

I agree with what's already said. I think he's being unreasonable if he wants to see you more often wtihout living together, especially because he's 2 hours away! That's hard going travelling back and forth! 

I've been in my relationship for over 3 years, we don't live together (tried that and failed miserably) but we do only live about 2 miles apart, and yet I only see J on the weekends. Our busy schedules during the week just don't mix up.  It's all fine though, if he were around all the time, I'd kick him away just so I can get some me time or kick him away so I can go out with just my friends or make him do something on his own!  Spending too much time together would just stiffle me (and our relationship) 

I think he just needs to probably find some things to get himself involved with that don't revolve around you- I'm sure he's got his own studying to do?  And mates? Does he have a few to hang out with as well? 
 

in terms of distance we arent actually that far away but the area is very built up and leaves you sitting in traffic for ages!

I thought it might be the friends thing too at first but he has made ALOT of friends (especially female friends by the way) and is always out with them but even that has become a problem because i have to work and cant go out with him and his friends as much as he would like so now he is angry at me because all of his friends and their girlfriends can go out together and im never there with him, but he doesnt take into account the fact that his friends and their girlfriends do not have jobs! its like a catch 22. if i work i cant make it to see him so he complains but at the same time he tels me i have to do overtime so that i can afford to live with him, knowing that im alredy under pressure as it is!! i just dont feel he is being very understanding right now. i have friends who are with boyfriends who live 20 mins away who dont see their bf as much as i do, i feel im doing all i cant but it not good enough

his thing is he has made a big sacrifice coming here so i should be making sacrifices too. am i really being that unfair though?

I agree with everyone else that he's being totally unreasonable.

I have to ask, since he keeps bringing it up, what did he sacrifice to move to the UK to go to uni? He would have gone to uni in the US, right? Most likely he would have moved away from friends and family to go there. He's closer to you, he has loads of friends, and he's getting an education. Sounds like he's got it pretty good to me!

I agree with everything so far. You can't sacrifice your education to spend every minute with him. The fact he is over here for uni and you see each other 3 or 4 days a week already puts him WAY ahead of the game as far as people from two different countries in a relationship getting to see each other. If you were both in the States, going to uni in different parts of the country you'd be lucky to be able to see each other 3 or 4 times a year, not counting school breaks.

He has to see that there is a huge difference between you needing to go to class, work and have study time... and his friends who don't work being able to go out more.

I'm also thinking longer term, bigger picture, and you can tell me to butt out if you want. I am wondering if his pressuring you to spend more time with him and using the guilt of him making the sacrifice to come here is a sign of how it will always be. I don't mean to be Debbie Downer, but it is just a bit of a concern that he can see the time needed for work, school and studying, plus travel time and costs, and is not satisfied with you making the effort 3 - 4 times a week. Does he make an effort to see you? I know public transportation can be costly too, but if you come to him he should make the effort to come to you. Like I said, tell me to butt out if you want.

Aw, his guilt tripping you sucks! Can he get a part-time job to help with the costs? Or use some of his loan? Why does it seem like most of the financial burden is on you? You should talk about your frustration and don't give into his manipulation tactics.

CharmCityGirl thats i good point i never looked at it like that before.

TamaMoo, not at all. i need the advice. Anytime i try to get him to come to me he doesn't want to make the effort because of the time and effort of taking public transport ( yet he does it often when he travels even further to go out with his friends). I have wondered if this is what it is always going to be like but ive never been in this situation before with someone who has moved so far to be here with me so i dont know if this is a common thing or if im being unreasonable.
im ranting a bit now but thanks for all your comments. i need to find a way for him to understand my point of view really

by the way just wanted to add one of the reasons for him not coming to see me is that apparently he made all this effort to come here in the first place and i should be making the effort too, he shouldnt have too lol. it sounds laughable when i type it out

 

Sounds like he needs to be reminded that, while he did move to be with you, it was HIS choice. You didn't force him. It sounds like he feels owed something, but you don't owe him anything except the normal amount of respect that anyone expects in a relationship, and he owes you that too! He needs to get over this attitude toward everything because it is just not on. You don't deserve that! 

I would be worried about his score keeping.  He feels is sacrifice was ------THIS------ big, so you now need to tons to "make that up" to him.  A sacrifice like this should be something you willingly do for your relationship. 

It would be one thing if he moved over here, didn't see you for months, had no friends and was failing school.  But this isn't your situation.  You are more or less on a level playing field with your lives.  Frankly he just seems to be unwilling to be a partner.

Based on my experience - at age 64 - some men simply like to 'control', and will do this in any way possible. Without seeing how he interacts in other situations, I can't say that he is or isn't, but seems to me that this could be the tip of the iceberg.

Can you live with it, or is it making you uncomfortable? If you are uncomfortable, and the compromise is one-sided, IMHO it's time to re-examine the relationship for long-term implications. I know this is a reiteration of what others had said, but unhealthy relationships don't tend to improve much (if at all) over time.

If this is an emerging life pattern, is this the way you want to live? Only you can answer that question.