Do you ever feel strange about your relationship?

I'm the only person I know in a LDR (US/UK). We've been together a few years and see each other about 3-5 times per year. It feels very normal and natural to us now, but occasionally I see the looks I get from new people I meet and it just makes me feel awkward. Then come the questions "So you see him like only every 3 or 4 months? How can you feel like you even KNOW him? I mean you guys have barely spent any time together.." Then of course other people assume we met in some sort of creepy dark corner of an internet chatroom or that our relationship started off illicitly (even though we met while I was on vacation FFS!)

 

I was just reading through my old diary entries from when we first began dating and the first thought I had was "Wow, what a strange story. I wonder if there's something wrong with us."

I love him but I hate this feeling like we're doing something wrong or abnormal. I can't even entirely blame it on other peoples' reactions. I think it's something internal. I feel a little embarrassed telling people my boyfriend lives in the UK because I know it's bizarre for my age (early 20s). I know it's bizarre that I spent my late teenage years, my entire college life, in a committed relationship with someone I saw a couple times per year. I feel like a freak. I wish we could have just had a "normal" relationship 

I hate feeling this way. I love him so much and our relationship is so good and we try as much as possible to have relationships with one another's family and friends to make it more "real" but I still feel like there must be something horribly wrong with me for choosing such a strange, stressful relationship

This is why I never talked about our relationship. People take it upon themselves to say rude things. I didn't get any comments, but I took it to an extreme. My parents didn't even know until very shortly before we got married!

I understand how you feel.  I was pretty lucky in that my friends and family never really voiced those kind of concerns, they were just happy and excited for me.  At least, to my face.  I'm sure that privately, or amongst themselves, they were puzzled.  But they're just not the types to burst a person's bubble.

I did have a therapist, though, tell me I was basically kidding myself if I thought it was a real relationship, and was using it as a crutch, blah blah blah blah....  I just told her she was wrong, and I never went back. 

Occasionally, I'd like to write her a note and let her know that we're now happily married.

Living well is the best revenge.  If your relationship is working well for you, then you just have to ignore these people. 

I live in London now and I still feel strange!! I look at all of my friends who are in "normal" relationships and it just seems so much easier. I still haven't been able to adjust very well and the pressure that it puts on the relationship is no laughing matter. I feel that my friends are all very supportive but at the same time they sort of see him as the guy who took me away so they would probably be more than happy to see us break up! It's also hard knowing that one of us will always be away from our friends and family-no matter where we live!

Not ever being able to date without it being a serious commitment has also been weird for me. I am studying here because we didn't want to rush into marriage but even without that we are living together and i've made this huge move so that we can be together. Ack I know it will get easier because I trust that we love each other and we can make it work but it is a big deal being in a long distance relationship-whether the distance is still there or not! I just try to think that heck if we could go through being that far apart, and now learn how to live together practically out of nowhere and still like each other then we're going to be okay!!

So in conclusion---there's nothing wrong with you!! My mom always tells me you can't help who you fall in love with. If he makes you happy then that's really all that matters

If you and whoever you were dating went to different universities in the States, you'd spend your college life seeing him 3 - 5 times a year during school breaks, so that part isn't abnormal at all. People seem to be able to understand that more than they do seeing each other 3 - 5 times a year because of LDR, but it is technically the same amount of time spent together.

What matters is how you feel about each other and if you feel you have a future together. Time spent in the same room as each other doesn't make a commitment. Hubby and I were together two weeks in the UK and one week in the States before we were married, in all the time we were doing LDR. We didn't have the funds to be able to bounce back and forth as much as we had wanted to. We've outlasted a lot of our friends' marriages, and they were all people who saw each other daily or nearly daily while dating and engaged.

At times, it did seem a bit odd being in two countries, but for me it was only when I was explaining it to people who just didn't get it. Whether it is LDR, being in the same town, or whatever the case may be, every relationship is different. If it works for the two people in it, then it is perfectly normal. Basing 'normal' in what people feel 'normal' should be is a hard one, since there are a million variations of 'normal'.

If you are both happy, enjoy it for what it is now, and enjoy every part of the journey. A relationship is an ever evolving adventure.

I think we all got those questions and had those feelings. You just have to point out the advantages of the LDR. For example, my husband and I got to know each other through correspondence, and we didn't really ever think anything could come of it, because of that, we were a lot more honest and open at the start than many relationships that begin over dinner and several glasses of wine. And think of all the people who sneak peaks at their partners phones -- when you have a LDR, there's no question that you trust each other completely. It wouldn't happen if you didn't.

We also never went through that phase of ditching our friends to spend time together. Because of the separation, you're forced to keep up with your own life and activities, and probably even pick up a few new ones to fill that empty space while you're apart.

And one last one, we're good at talking to each other. I mean, it's not like a few months in we could just revert to going to our favorite bar, or watching our favorite TV show. The life of our relationship has always depended on being able to have a good chat and to send thoughtful emails.

So maybe they are the weird ones, and we're really all better off!

One downside - the awkward explaining part never ends. We're together in the UK now, and I cannot tell you how many recruiters and potential employers have now heard the whole story. There's no way around it. They need to know that he's settled here and that we're not leaving, why I've been out of work since July, and why I have the right to work in the UK. I don't think it will ever end.

I don't think it's bizarre or weird at all -- especially in this day and age.  I do think if someone about to enter a LDR asked me for advice I would tell them to think very very carefully about it.  Because you never know what's going to happen down the road.  That's true of all relationships of course, but it's a lot messier with international complications thrown in.

I think you should be proud of your relationship. How many people do you know who would brave a LDR and a potential move to another country?

I get many responses about my LDR from friends, family and coworkers. Most often its sympathy- "that must be hard" or- "wow I could never do something like that". There is the occasional negativity- "so are you guys exclusive or are you seeing other people?" I explain that we are just like any other couple except we live 3,000 miles away.

I have become very proud of my LDR and that my BF and I are really making it work. I feel that couples who are long distance sometimes have a stronger bond. You have to trust one another being thousands of miles away. You wait months just to see that person, and no matter how many hoops you go through, it's because your relationship is worth it.

I thought of my relationship as a bit strange at first, but now it's normal to me. I sometimes look back at the time my BF and I met and realize it changed the course of my life. I feel very lucky to have met someone I care about so much. I feel lucky that I have the opportunity to live in a different culture and explore Europe and the other side of the world with someone I love.

Thankfully I have many friends who are in international LDR's or married to UK citizens. My family is very supportive and my relationship is pretty normal to them now.

Hiya, If you are happy then there is nothing to feel guilty about being in a LDR. While some people may not understand why you chose to have a LDR, if they don't get it, they never will. Be happy and enjoy the time you all have together.

My DH and I met in some deep dark corner of the internet, we were involved in something that wasn't illegal at the time, but it's been cracked down on a lot....and we know lots of people who subsequently ended up being fairly internet (and occasionally real life) (in)famous 

I used to just say "we met at university" which is fairly true, then I said "we met on the internet" which is definitely true, sometimes I now say the truth, we met in IRC chat rooms whilst both involved in similar online activities.

When I first let people know I had surprisingly few doubters. I think I just knew my mind so well and didn't let anything get to me, when you know, you know. 
Now, out of all my friends, I am the one that has had the same partner for 6 years, 4 of them living together, and the most beautiful wedding day, and the best 8 months of marriage I think you can have. If anyone did have doubts, I didn't argue with them , I didn't waste my time worrying about them, I just proved them wrong by living my happy wonderful life.

When people put you down, just ignore them. They'll be the ones throwing confetti at your wedding

I know I have always felt a little off in relationships in general. Although I've only been in one non-serious before I started dating my SO. Accept our's is extra odd because we met online when I was 14 and he was 19. So, we're 5 years apart. He came to visit me when I was 15 but it was a COMPLETELY different relationship then, when he visited then he was dating a girl back in the UK. (She didn't really like the idea of it btw but he still came to visit)

We really didn't even start flirting until I was around 17-18 and that was after he'd been dumped by his ex a year or so earlier. So that was really awkward because we went from a friend/innocent relationship (I always had a mini crush on him though) to him flirting with me when I got older. H'awkwarddddd.

We just got into a fully commited relationship, I'm now 20 and he's 25. So we've known eachother almost 7 years now. But the looks I get from people when I say "Oh I've known him since I was 14, he came to visit when I was 15." And they're all, 'uhhhhh....?' Then of course I have to attempt to kill the awkward and say, "It WASN'T like that THEN."

Sigh. Oh LDRs. How you love making things weird.

My BF and I met through the forums of a webcomic.  At the time he was married with 2 kids.  I use to say to my mother that he's the kind of guy I needed to marry as he was smart, clever, witty and generally my kind of guy.  And then he wasn't married and we began to become better friends.  And then we grew to love each other. 

I was fortunate in that Mom met him and grew to know and love him via Skype just as I did.  She refers to him as her British Son.  I always felt odd telling people how we met, even though you hear a lot of successful pairings of people who meet through online dating sites.  A webcom forum isn't on the list of standard sites to meet one's future mate I suppose.  So my family knew about him but I mostly kept the nature of our relationship to myself.  I have one friend who is happy for me and another friend thinks that I'm crazy and I should have dropped him a long time ago.  I don't listen to her advice... she doesn't know who he is.

We had never met in person as I hadn't the money to visit him and he was finding it hard just to survive yet along renew his passport to come to CA for a visit.  Our entire relationship from about 2009 when it took off to last September was done all online.  We met for the first time when I got into the country on a student visa.  People still think that's weird but then I have always maintained that we got to know each other.

Usually, when you're dating you're trying to be on your best behavior and impress this person.  When you're 5000 miles apart, stuff like that becomes unimportant.  Who is this guy, what does he want, how does he feel about children, what kind of parent is he... you spend hours and hours every day just talking.  And you don't have to worry about the whole sex thing which can make things complicated.  That only comes after you've gotten to know the person very, very well.  So you end up having a much more mature and healthy relationship than most others.

And now that I am here, I still sometimes feel odd telling people how we met and even though people look at me askance when I admit that I flew 5000 miles across the globe to be with him and live with him when I had never before met him, I know that I have what many of those people wished they had: a man who adores me, respects me and wants to make all my dreams come true.

And if there was anything about our relationship I'd change, I would have liked to be with him sooner. 

My wife and I met on an internet forum of common interest (it was a forum for a video game). I was 15, she was 14. Ten tears later my mind still explodes when I think about that.

We lost touch for about 3 years and we got back in touch and we hit it off really well. I was dating a girl in my area at the time but it fell through. My wife and I started dating shortly afterward (I just turned 19 at this point, I believe), and I met my wife the following September for the first time.

We'd met in person maybe 4/5 times for stays in each others countries before getting married (I was 23 at this point). Then I came back to England and we started working on getting her here to live with me.

It's been a long and painful process which is finally nearing completion.

The most resistance I had was from my own father, which I was expecting well in advance. He just didn't understand how I could "fall for someone I've never met". A few people have asked how we met and I'm usually happy to relate the story if they show genuine interest - so far I've been fairly lucky and nobody has really asked the questions that the OP has been subjected to.

One thing I would like to address:

I feel like a freak. I wish we could have just had a "normal" relationship

You do have a normal relationship. You have a relationship with someone who you love. Yes, it is stressful. I've been there, I know. That being said, you are putting yourself through this because you believe it will be worth it, no matter how hard it is. You'll have days where you will throw your hands in the air and ask why you're doing this - I did. But it takes a very special kind of person, with a special kind of strength, to commit themselves to this kind of relationship. Trust me when I say that it will pay off, and you will be glad that you went through with all of this.

One thing I would like to address:
You do have a normal relationship. You have a relationship with someone who you love. Yes, it is stressful. I've been there, I know. That being said, you are putting yourself through this because you believe it will be worth it, no matter how hard it is. You'll have days where you will throw your hands in the air and ask why you're doing this - I did. But it takes a very special kind of person, with a special kind of strength, to commit themselves to this kind of relationship. Trust me when I say that it will pay off, and you will be glad that you went through with all of this.

This is good for all of us who have been there/ going through it to hear.  Our kind of relationships aren't freakish or abnormal.  Not everyone is going to get that or understand that it is possible to fall madly in love with someone you've never met in real life.  My BF and I spent every waking hour talking to each other.  He would stay up late to spend another hour on Skype with me and I would stay up late to spend an hour with him when he got up in the morning.  I'd say that means we had more 'face time' than most couple get.

I've never had anyone reply badly or react strangely to the information that Glyn and I met online and had a LDR for several years. Most of the time they are really curious how it came to be and say things like WOW that is so cool. The world is a very small place with the internet and more and more people are meeting their partners there. I think its pretty normal now to meet people online...international LDR's are probably less common but happen far more often now that even a decade ago.