Feeling like we will never be able to overcome the distance

I don't know where to start so I guess I'll just umm start. I met my Welsh BF three years ago, and I love him more than anything, the problem is that the distance is getting to both of us. I am currently not in a position to move to the UK, my mother passed last year and I'm taking care of my two sisters, and I just don't have the money, all my savings have gone up in smoke. My bf lost his Job last year and it took him over six months to find something else, which has caused great hardship and landed him in a huge amount of debt, so it's not like he has the financial means to move to the US.

I always thought that if we just worked hard enough, tried hard enough we would be able to make things work but every day that passes it just seems harder and harder and my hope that we will manage to be together someday is slowly dying. My mothers death last year really seemed to trigger something in me and it made me realize that life is short (duh) and it's almost made me feel like we are running out of time. I talked to him today and we both realize that it might take years before either of us are in a position to make a move and I don't know that it's fair for either of us to wait three four, maybe five years before we are finally together. I don't know how we would be able to have children if we are apart for that length of time, granted I will be in my mid 30's but financially I don't think we could afford to start a family, especially if I am unable to find work upon moving to Wales.

Maybe I am just overthinking this but I'm finally feeling the weight of being apart and I just feel so tired.

Thank you all for hearing me out.

Ellie

Sorry to hear that you’re having a hard time.


In April I will have been with my Fiance for 4 years and I’m only now making the move over. This time last year, I still had two semesters of college left before we could even consider the thought of me moving, but I also wanted to work for a while and be my own person, so we weren’t planning on having me move until 2013. It was important to me to feel like I wasn’t leaping from being supported by my parents to being supported by my fiance while I made a life in England. However, it got to the point where we both considered the situation and we thought “if not now, then when?”

So, I put my dream of complete independence aside, so that me and my fiance could have the future we always wanted. Am I sad that I won’t get that independence? Yes, but it was necessary sacrifice. I’m not sad that after almost 4 years of hard work, loneliness, devoting every extra penny to plane tickets and all my vacation time to trips aboard and being on my laptop more than I would like, we’ll finally be together.

So, I totally understand where you are coming from with this. However, I think you’ll find that if you do some searches on this board, there were long distance couples who were apart much longer than me and my Fiance were and you and your boyfriend have been and still made it work. So, I think that if you want it and you’re committed to the relationship, it can work. It will certainly be difficult, but it can be done.

With that being said, you also have to examine the relationship and determine whether the distance is worth it to you and whether the relationship is in line with your priorities. There is no shame in admitting that you can’t do it and there is no shame in leaving a relationship if you feel that it is holding you back somehow or that you’re not getting what you need from it.

You need to do what is best for you. If what is best for you is to leave the relationship and move on with your life in the US, then do that. If it’s better for you to remain with your boyfriend and maintain the long distance relationship until you can be together, then fight for the relationship.

It’s not easy I know. I’m sure the situation is heartbreaking. I hope you feel better soon.

Dear Ellie,
I'm so sorry. Your remark, "I always thought that if we just worked hard enough, tried hard enough we would be able to make things work but every day that passes it just seems harder and harder," says it all.

So many people are stuck like that right now. Done everything right, but somehow things are just not working out. It's bad timing - the economy is awful and everyone is feeling it -- some more than others, of course.

No matter what you do, things will be really hard right now. I hope that in a couple of years, things will have turned around again (as they always do), but, you are right, that can be a long time to wait.

Then again, as PlainPearl said, many relationships have outlasted longer separations.

Maybe the thing to do is not to just call it off, but just step back and take a breath. You need time to really think about it. It sounds like you're having some very rough times right now, so give yourself a chance to rest before you decide anything.

Best to you!

I think you need some kind of plan or strategy.  Long distance relationships are hard, and doubts set in about whether it's worth going through all the ups and downs if it's not clear when/how you are going to be together.

How long will it take your boyfriend to pay off his debts?  I don't know much about US visas, but would the debts negatively affect his application?  If not, how about going that route?  Then he could get a job in the US and pay them back from there.

How old are your sisters and how long will they be financially dependent on you?  Remember to think of yourself in this as well.  Of course I'm not saying abandon them, but don't put your life on hold once they are old enough to make their own way.

The other thing that grabs my attention is that you are worried about being financially secure once you are finally together.  Would you marry him now if he lived in the same city as you and none of the visa stuff mattered?  Because that's a separate issue from meeting the visa requirements.

It sounds really tough, I feel for you.  Good luck and I hope things get easier for you.

It's really hard, we have been together thru my sisters illness, my mothers death, and so many other things, even when things are really bad I know that I have him to talk to, he's my best friend and i can't imagine life without him. However, because I love him, I don't ever want to hold him back, and I don't know how fair it is to put your life on hold for someone that's thousands of miles away. It's like you have a partner but at the same time you don't, again it's like hitting "pause" on your life, everyone else is on "play" and you're just watching and are totally unable to do anything about your own life moving forward, it's hard to see friends having children and getting married, it makes you realize that it will be a long time before you have any of those things yourself.

Finances are a big issue here, it might take a very long time before the debts he has are paid off, and as of now I'm not in a position to really save a lot, one of the issues is that my sister has lupus, I'm so scared that she will stay in California and then become ill and that I wont have the means to get back to be with her, at the end of the day the only family I have is my sisters. I just wish thing were different and that we could find a way to be together without all these other issues.

*sigh*