LDR pains

I know there are similar posts to mine. But I really needed to get this out somewhere and just VENT. Because no one is online and I have no one to b*tch this out to. Unlucky you guys get a front row seat. Anywaaayyyyy..

I am really having a rough time dealing with the stress and all the pressure of an LDR. Like a lot. What I mean by pressure is, everyone is asking me questions. "What are your plans for you guys? Are you gonna try to move there? Are you gonna get married? When are you going to England again?" It's just those questions over and over and over. I. DON'T. KNOW YET. I just want to scream that at them, and sometimes I do snap at some of them. And then I feel bad, haha.

I digress. My boyfriend. I know there is no one else I want to be with but It feels like it effects me more now that we're "officially" together. I have depression and I am plain miserable lately. Now that isn't the issue, but that on top of it is definitely not helping, it's my boyfriend and I fighting. We don't fight that much, but when we do... 

I love him and he loves me, but seriously you're gonna pick a fight with me over stupid crap from 4,000 miles away? I wanted to see him on Skype. I hadn't seen him on there in 4 days so I asked and he says yes. Then immediately, almost it seemed, I didn't answer a question how he wanted and he just goes off on me. So I just hung up after him being mad over something so ridiculous.

Is this just the stress of the distance? I am SO frustrated because at least when we had tiny fights (rarely) when he was here, we could work it out relatively quickly. With a fight over text, or video chat, it's so much harder for us to get over. Weird? Now I'm so pissed off and lucky him, he just gets to go off to nah-nah-land, while I get to be up, furious.

Please tell me in the end it is all worth it because I know now we might not talk for a day or two because I'm too stubborn to say a word. Right now he is so lucky he's 4,000 miles away. Because I want to strangle him.

Then immediately, almost it seemed, I didn't answer a question how he wanted and he just goes off on me. So I just hung up after him being mad over something so ridiculous.

Is this just the stress of the distance?
...

Please tell me in the end it is all worth it because I know now we might not talk for a day or two because I'm too stubborn to say a word. Right now he is so lucky he's 4,000 miles away. Because I want to strangle him.

I can only speak for my own situation, but this doesnt sound like its the "stress of the distance" to me.  I can't say that I ever remember a time that my now-husband and I ever hung up on eachother or had an argument that resulted in not speaking for a few days.  We would have spats, but had (and still have) and agreement that we never went to bed angry with eachother and sometimes this involved staying on the phone for hours, but I always loved that we would be willing to do it.

When my boyfriend and I were doing the long distance thing, we never fought. I think I was too scared to rock the boat, or do anything to upset him. Now that we live together though....he says there are times when I just have a look that says don't mess with me!! And there are days where he looks the same to me!! All relationships are different and the stress of long distance can cause people to react in many different ways.

I kinda think it's great that you and your boyfriend feel comfortable enough with each other to have these little spats-even if they are frustrating for both of you!! The only thing is, and I don't want to sound judgemental here, I don't think that hanging up or not talking to him is really the way to go. The only way to stay connected to your SO in a long distance relationship is to talk...so it's like you're just walking away and slamming the door behind you!! I understand the feeling-you just don't want to fight about something stupid-but just try not to let it get to that. Maybe ask why he felt the need to get so upset over something you thought was trivial? Talk it out. It works!! 

Hard to say really. 
Every relationship is different. Some people have to have to have those small little fights, some people need to fight hardcore, some people actually prefer to go to bed angry because they've slept it off and wake up in a better mood, some people fight fight for the make up sex, some people hate to fight at all! 

Anyways, I think we always put a lot of guilt on ourselves when we're in a long distance relationship.  (I've not done one across international borders, so I can only imagine how immigration woes can factor in. But I had done one across the US, and 4 hours by plane was hard enough, let alone all you folks who do it across the ocean!)

You feel like because you're not around each other all the time,that every minute you speak or talk or see each has to be quality time and if its not, well, then the guilt sets in.  We're all human.  We all get frustrated, upset, jealous, bitter, depressed, snarky, moody, tired, and cranky and sometimes our other halves get the brunt of our woes.  You don't always have to be on form in your relationship, don't feel guilty. All you can try and do is try and make the relationship better,so that you're both happy.

((Hugs))
 

Well, I can sympathize with you if that helps at all! When my hubby and I did the LDR thing, about 3 years in (after we were engaged and really struggling with the distance and trying to figure out final plans and all that) we had our share of arguments and there were a few that ended up in us hanging up the phone to cool off.

Like others have said, everyone is different. More importantly, I think, everyone handles stress differently and my opinion is that I have almost never been under more stress than at that time in my life with so many loose ends and missing him so much and trying to prepare to for a visa and international move. I will be the first to admit that when I get stressed, it makes me more sensitive and sometimes more snarky than I like to think I usually am, so the hanging up the phone and taking time to reflect was a GOOD thing for me because we could get some perspective and almost always come back to each other with an apology and in the right frame of mind to talk it out like adults.

So my suggestion would be to not judge your relationship by others' and how much or how they fought and worry about whether it is ok, rather I would focus more on how willing the two of you are to come down off those high emotions and work it out afterwards for the sake of each other and the relationship. I can tell you, there is no one in the world I can back down for as easily as with my hubby and that is one of the ways I know I love him so much, our relationship comes before my pride (even if it can be a tough pill to swallow sometimes!!! ) But every fight we have had--even the silly little ones, we make it a point to learn a little something about the other person, the way they work and their feelings, so we always feel closer and stronger afterwards so that it can be productive rather than destructive, if that makes sense.

So here is me saying I've been there (even the part about having the rest of the day to feel mad while they get to sleep it off!)  I hope today is better for you!

You feel like because you're not around each other all the time,that every minute you speak or talk or see each has to be quality time and if its not, well, then the guilt sets in.  We're all human.  We all get frustrated, upset, jealous, bitter, depressed, snarky, moody, tired, and cranky and sometimes our other halves get the brunt of our woes.  You don't always have to be on form in your relationship, don't feel guilty. All you can try and do is try and make the relationship better,so that you're both happy.

((Hugs))
 

I agree with this. At first it felt like every moment had to be spent talking and be 'quality', whether on the phone or chatting online. We got to the point where if we felt like talking every moment we did, but we didn't worry if we didn't. There were lots of days where we were both at the computer, with the messenger on, working together on the puzzles at Puzzle Donkey, or Quizardry, or doing things for the forum hubby started and we were both admins of. We might have gone a full hour without saying a word, or just something puzzle or forum related every 20 or so minutes, but the line of communication was open and somehow that was enough on those days. In a way, those days created a sort of sense of 'normal' instead of LDR, because we didn't feel we had to say everything at once because of the time difference or distance.

I also agree every relationship is different, and every couple has to do what works for them. Don't hang up, but work it out or admit you need a few minutes of another subject before coming back to that one.

I just want to echo the idea that all relationships are different and just because you do things a different way from someone else, it doesn't mean it's the wrong way or that your relationship isn't a good one.

DF and I have disagreements, but like mirrajay, we don't sign off the computer until it's resolved and we've never hung up on each other. However, if I'm really upset, I take pause and do the counting to ten thing, so I don't say or do something I'll regret later. DF is the same way. We also make a point not to yell or name call because we think it's disrespectful to do that. Our disagreements are more like debates with each of us pleading our case rather than fights. We also do this because our time together is limited, so while we don't sweep stuff under the rug, we try to make even the tense conversations as pleasant as possible.

Just wanted to thank everyone very much for their own input. I appreciate it very much so! ((hugs))

When are you going to England again?"

At least they don't ask when you are going to London again (DH is from Portsmouth, but lives in Sheffield).  That was a big irritation of mine.

Just wanted to echo what all these wonderful ladies are saying - every relationship is different. DH and I have had spats where we've signed offline in the middle of it, but we always made up the next day.

Good luck!

I agree with this. At first it felt like every moment had to be spent talking and be 'quality', whether on the phone or chatting online. We got to the point where if we felt like talking every moment we did, but we didn't worry if we didn't. There were lots of days where we were both at the computer, with the messenger on, working together on the puzzles at Puzzle Donkey, or Quizardry, or doing things for the forum hubby started and we were both admins of. We might have gone a full hour without saying a word, or just something puzzle or forum related every 20 or so minutes, but the line of communication was open and somehow that was enough on those days. In a way, those days created a sort of sense of 'normal' instead of LDR, because we didn't feel we had to say everything at once because of the time difference or distance.

I also agree every relationship is different, and every couple has to do what works for them. Don't hang up, but work it out or admit you need a few minutes of another subject before coming back to that one.

This is exactly how my boyfriend and I did it.  He was here in the UK and I was in CA and some days we would talk for hours on end and other times we'd have Skype running but we were doing our own thing and if one of us had something to say then the other was right there.  We had a couple of instances where we were less than completely pleased with each other but then we'd stay up (meaning he'd stay up) and we'd discuss it until the situation was resolved.

At least they don't ask when you are going to London again

THIS. A MILLION TIMES. Oh my god. That drives me up a wall. I get it from every one of my family members. My SO also doesn't live in London, shockingly, he lives near Norwich, and it gets on my nerves when everyone is like, "So going back to London soon?" "No.. Norwich." "Is that near London?" What is people's obsession? lol. Ugh, glad I'm not the only one, drives me nuts.

Yeeah I agree with a lot that's being said. I do feel since we aren't together we have to have quality time. I just miss it. But I will try and remember I'm only human. My love and I have since made up long ago and we're just fine and dandy now. Known him so long I'm so comfortable with telling him when he pisses me off though, haha. : D