engaged but don't want to move anymore

I was excited for about 1 month after the engagement but now I don't want to move. We had a "deal" where I'd move there for about 2-3 years then we'd move back to the U.S. together. But I've generally not liked living there for long stretches. I hate the overcast weather, the minor inconveniences (although not being able to take a long hot shower is not minor!) I'm ok with tourist visits. Part of me thinks I should just toughen up a bit and see this as a hurdle in our relationship that just needs to be overcome (big picture view). But part of me thinks that if I'm not willing to put with this sacrifice, then I must not love him enough.

Has anyone done a long distance marriage with extended trips until someone moved (with the obvious giant warning sign that this is just a way of prolonging a fundamentally dysfunctional relationship and that maybe nobody will ever move)?

I don't really have any answers, but you can actually love someone and still not want, or be willing, to move.  It all depends if the two of you can make it work.

I think though, from my five years on here, very few people actually go through with the I move there for x years and then we move back to y.

If you dont like life in the UK even when you are on an extended visit, then I would be quite sure you wouldnt like it if you moved permanently (or even for 2-3 years).

I think its important to realise that becoming an expat, living in a new country, etc isn't for everyone and you should consider yourself lucky that you have realised this before you made the big move.  We have heard from so many unhappy people complaining about everything from laundry, shopping, showers, pub culture, homesickness, small houses and IME, these people never really grow to enjoy their experiences here.

I can't speak about a long distance marriage as I have never known anyone in such a situtation, but I most certainly wouldnt do it myself.  Although, this doesnt necessarily mean you dont love him enough, it may just mean that he/the situation isnt the one for you.  You can love many people in your life, some even deeply, but that alone isnt enough when the situation is all wrong.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.

My husband and I were in an LDR for 6 years, almost all of it married.  It's tough and not everyone can do it.  TBH, I wouldn't recommend anyone willingly do it to avoid immigrating to a country.  However, people can survive it with their relationship intact.

It does sound like you aren't happy, and maybe this is a sign you shouldn't move.  However, everyone has some sort of adjustment and even very positive changes which people are happy about are always coupled with some loss.

You can refuse to move and deal with the consequences, both positive and negative.  However, you could end up loving the UK and not wanting to leave at the end of the 2-3 years. 

However, no matter whether you stay or go, there are inconveniences in both countries.  They just might be different in both.  I am not saying this to be preachy, but to point out that yeah, you might have to deal with things you don't have to deal with in the US, but you might come to realise that living here simplifies some things (like health insurance or simple things like shopping online).

Good luck with whatever you choose.

I was only going to move to the UK for 2-3 years after we got married, but things worked out so well, that we are still here 13 years later with no plans of leaving.

There are some things you can change, for isntance if you can't have hot shower, why not compromise and move somewhere where you can have a hot shower. If its something that you can't change, like the weather, well, you can't change it.

Think about what you want in the long run, if he doesn't want to move over now, who is to say he is ever going to move, just saying. I understand some people can do a marriage long distance, but I would not want to be in that position, financially and emotinoally. Good luck with your decision.

I think you need to seriously examine your situation. It's good that you are taking pause and questioning whether this move is right for you. It's possible that you're worried and anxious about uprooting your life and moving to a new country and now you're having some doubts. I think that's enough to make anyone step back and wonder what the heck they're doing. However, it's also possible that you know you genuinely wouldn't enjoy living in the UK and you shouldn't make the move.

I think you need to really look at all of the reasons you would like to live in the UK and all the reasons you would not like to live here and then do the same with the US. I would think about this for a while and if you're gut still tells you not to move, then don't.

That being said, even though I have things I dislike about both the US and the UK, that doesn't mean I can't enjoy living in either place. Life isn't perfect on either side of the pond. There are always going to be things you wish could be different or improved regardless of location. Ultimately, you have try to make the best out of whatever situation you're in and seek out what makes you happy rather than what makes you unhappy.

I've never done a long distance marriage (not married yet), but DF and I agreed that unless one of us was willing to make a move, then the relationship would probably have to end sooner or later. We couldn't see being long distance forever. We were in a LDR for just under 4 years when I moved here on a fiance visa and we were both unbelievably happy when it was over and I can't imagine going back to that. Every relationship is different though and if you think you can cope with a long distance marriage and your fiance agrees, why not give it a shot? A lot of people thought I was insane for moving here to marry DF and I said "I feel that it's right and if it doesn't work out, at least I won't be looking back on my relationship with DF and wondering what might have been. At least this way I'll know."

Sometimes I think you have to take the risk and hope for the best and sometimes I think you have to be sensible and listen to your gut. It's hard to decide which way to go though and I hope you can figure out what will be best for you.

I admire you for sitting back and evaluating your situation before you make a huge leap. There are a few times that I wish I would've stopped and thought about something before actually going through with it.

I'm moving over to be with DH in about 2 weeks and while I'm uber close to my family, being in an LDR for years on end (3 years was enough for me, thanks!) isn't something that I think either of us were willing to do. We knew that one of us would move eventually. Now after DH is finished with school - who knows where we'll go, but I find comfort in the fact that we'll be together.

There's a member on this forum who is in a long-distance marriage at the moment, but I know her and her DH are trying to close the gap.

My parents were in a long-distance marriage for 10 years. They've been married for 47 years and are now both in the same place.

My point is, that these things can work, it's just a matter of if you want them to. No great relationship can come without sacrifice, IMHO.

Good luck!

It's good that you are reflecting on the nature of what is required in a LDR and if you feel you can do it.

All I can say is, you don't know how life will turn out. I always thought we would go back to Canada as soon as I naturalised, but we both ended up falling in love with where we live.

I guess part of my point is, relationships that are worth something, take effort and should also feel balanced. BUT there also may be a possibility that your discomfort with moving is anxiety about (a big) change. That's OK. Living in another country is hard, but can also enrich one's life experience. 

It may turn out that you will like living here and it may not. Either way, you won't know unless you try. You have to figure out for yourself whether this relationship is worth that risk.

Wishing you the best in working out what works for you. 

I decided to go back and read your previous posts before I gave you an opinion. 

I don't live in Great Britain.  My husband moved from Northern Ireland to live in the US with me.

I think you have a comfortable life in the US.  That you are successful and proud of it, as you should be.  That you are happy living in California. 

You don't want to start your career over again in another country.  You don't want to depend on someone else.  You don't like the weather in the UK.  You would miss the conveniences you already have in the US.

So...

I think you should consider why you feel you could not eventually have the same creature comforts in the UK.  I think you should consider why rebuilding your career abroad is not an adventure, but a problem.  I think you should consider why you say this man would make a great husband and father, but there is something else that makes the relationship "dysfunctional".

rebeccajo I think part of the problem is that these issues are unknown. 

An adventure rebuilding a career?  The work I did in the US doesn't exist here.  Full stop.  No building a career in it.  It just isn't here. 

I'm 35 and since I already have a degree I can't get any loans to go back to university to train for something else.  And I'm not even sure what that something else would be. 

As for what I went to grad school for, well I've been trying for five years to get a job in a related field. 

I'm lucky in that I came over before the recession started.  I got a job in a store within a week, worked there 6 months, went to an office worked there 2 years and am now in a much better place.  But I wouldn't call it a career; it is a job. And it isn't what I want to be doing, but I am with my husband and that makes it worth it to me.

Is it harsh? Yes.  But it is also true and something that needs to be looked at seriously.

I used to take long hot showers as well. I could be in there for half an hour most of the time. The first flat we lived in had an electric shower so I could continue having them for a while. When we moved to our current flat, that put an end to that. It was inconvenient, but not the end of the world. I found a lot of things inconvenient when I moved. The shorter opening hours (still annoying), the weather. Once I was going to make a fruit salad and then realised that there is no Cool Whip in the UK and I almost cried. Then I found Dream Topping which tastes even better and is less unhealthy. I do most of my shopping online. I got wellies but I still avoid going out when the weather's extra horrible. You make do with what you have and adjust. But it isn't for everyone. Some people just can't deal with the changes. Overall, I think my life is better here, despite the inconveniences. I don't have to worry about health care anymore, I get 25 days off a year + bank holidays, being close to Europe so we can go somewhere for a weekend if we feel like it. I will admit I had already been here on quite a few visits before I moved and I already had a feeling I would like living here. But if you already feel like you don't like being there for too long, not sure it's really the right way to start off the move. I think having a positive attitude about it is really important to adjusting. You should definitely have a chat with your fiance about it.

rebeccajo I think part of the problem is that these issues are unknown. 

An adventure rebuilding a career?  The work I did in the US doesn't exist here.  Full stop.  No building a career in it.  It just isn't here. 

I'm 35 and since I already have a degree I can't get any loans to go back to university to train for something else.  And I'm not even sure what that something else would be. 

As for what I went to grad school for, well I've been trying for five years to get a job in a related field. 

I'm lucky in that I came over before the recession started.  I got a job in a store within a week, worked there 6 months, went to an office worked there 2 years and am now in a much better place.  But I wouldn't call it a career; it is a job. And it isn't what I want to be doing, but I am with my husband and that makes it worth it to me.

Is it harsh? Yes.  But it is also true and something that needs to be looked at seriously.

Sure it needs to be looked at seriously.  I agree.

But I've had to "rebuild" my work life - more than once.  I retired once to take care of my child.  I had a business of my own for a while.  And when the divorce came, I had to "make do" because no one would take me seriously after being out of the conventional work world for such a long time.  So I know it can be done.

I just think that whenever we take a leap of faith, the issues are indeed unknown (as you said).  So you look at those unknowns and you assess your own strength, and you dive on in.  It takes courage to take risks.  Complacency is easy.

i also couldnt imagine staying long distance forever, that would drive me nuts. it hurts enough being away from her now, and being like this for 3 years. but forever? noooo!!! as someone else said either one of us moves or no relationship. i think your just having cold feet because you have to move to a country your not too familar with, and your starting a new chapter in your life which is always scary, but i think if you dont take that huge step you may regret it years later

I was excited for about 1 month after the engagement but now I don't want to move. We had a "deal" where I'd move there for about 2-3 years then we'd move back to the U.S. together. But I've generally not liked living there for long stretches. I hate the overcast weather, the minor inconveniences (although not being able to take a long hot shower is not minor!) I'm ok with tourist visits. Part of me thinks I should just toughen up a bit and see this as a hurdle in our relationship that just needs to be overcome (big picture view). But part of me thinks that if I'm not willing to put with this sacrifice, then I must not love him enough.

Has anyone done a long distance marriage with extended trips until someone moved (with the obvious giant warning sign that this is just a way of prolonging a fundamentally dysfunctional relationship and that maybe nobody will ever move)?

You may just be having cold feet about moving, but it also may be something you just won't be able to do, no matter how hard you try. I love change and am very flexible when it comes to where I live, so I can't relate. However, I can tell you that loving him isn't going to be enough if you truly dislike living in the UK. Your unhappiness with where you're living is going to affect your relationship, and could be detrimental to your marriage. You need to be happy outside your relationship in order to be happy in it. Being apprehensive about moving doesn't mean you don't love him, either. Many people would have the same feelings you're having. It's hard to pick up and leave your friends, family, culture, home, etc, and move to another country. I could be wrong, but it seems that not living in the same country when you get married will cause resentment on both ends - you'll resent each other for not making the sacrifice to move and be together. I couldn't do it, but I'm sure if you're truly committed to each other, you could make it work in the short-term. It's going to be even harder once you're married, though, I'm guessing. It would be terrible if things didn't work out simply due to the distance.

You need to be completely honest with him and tell him that you don't think you can move. Don't move without having a long talk about this, because I'm sure he doesn't want you to be unhappy and is going to do whatever he can to make things work.