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Topic: I spent a year abroad in england and met a guy, is it wrong of me to have hope?  (Read 4516 times)

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I spent my last year studying abroad in england, and as of a couple days ago i've returned to the us and Im finding it difficult to be back, I've also realized the degree i've chosen to study isnt right for me, and I would like to switch - im in the process of sorting that out, but I am really hoping to pursue my new degree abroad in england with the hopes of being there for the long-haul and maybe one day have citizenship.

but as of the present moment, ive just got home and while abroad i met a guy and we dated almost the entire year, and I fell in love with him and had to leave him, we're no longer together because of fears that a long-distance relationship would just lead to false hope and be a facade, and that we would be long distance without ever really knowing if wed get to be with each other again etc. which in a sense can be detrimental, but seeing as I may hopefully move back to england again for school in a year, and remain for my full degree, would it be wrong of me to be hopeful that we may have another chance later in life?

He means so much to me and with the thought of potentially going back to stay in england I can't help but hope that we can be with each other again


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Honestly, it sounds like you may be dealing with a massive case of reverse culture shock. No surprise really as you've been gone a year. Have you talked to your study abroad office about your feelings? They may be able to give you some support in dealing with it.

Are you still in contact with this guy? Does he still want to be in contact with you? Because if he isn't I think he may be sending you a very direct message in an indirect way.

Some people just don't want to be in long distance relationships. Some people won't ever be able to make the choice to move from home to be with someone they care about. While other people manage long distance relationships, I don't think may enjoy this per se, but they are able to bridge the gap.

No one on an internet can really tell you what your guy is/was thinking - only he can do that. Perhaps you can tell him what the options are for being together and see what he thinks about it - if he still sounds noncomittal you will need to really think about moving to England - are you doing it for you? or are you doing it in hopes of getting him back? Studying in England is $$$$$, don't do it unless it is something you want to do for you.
August 2008 - Tier 4 - Student Visa
February 2010 - Tier 1 - PSW
January 2012 - FLR(M)
June 2014 - ILR (finally!)


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It's not wrong to have hope, but if you've already "broken it off" I'm not sure how optimistic the other half of this relationship is...

I can however say, that I was in almost the exact same situation about 5 years ago.  I had fallen for a boy over the course of my study abroad experience, and the terms we left it on were, "I love you" (and a whole heck of a lot of tears!)  We didn't make any decisions about the future, but both knew that the first few months/semester apart would probably be the hardest.

When I returned to the US, I struggled.  I moved straight into an unfurnished apartment, had a complete breakdown in the shampoo aisle at Walmart, and started summer school (a week late) the next day.  For me, it was a lot to re-adjust to all at once (Reverse culture shock? Probably).  I was miserable.  But it got better.  Just as it will get better for you. 

I'm not saying this advice is going to be correct, but from my perspective..
In terms of your degree-- See if you can change your major now/how long it would take you to complete your degree there..Or just take some classes in your new career focus as electives if you have the space/time for them just to be 100% sure it's the right fit for you.  (But is anybody ever 100% sure?)

In terms of your relationship-- Talk to the boy.  See if he's willing to try it out; if he misses you as much as you miss him.  Sure it's only been a few days, but the thought of never seeing you again may have hit him just as hard as it's probably hitting you.  Find out if you and he are going to be willing enough to make  sacrifices to save money to to see each other every X months, or if either of you will stay up until silly hours of the morning/night just to talk to each other because of the time difference.

For me and my boy, we're still together today. It was hard, but ultimately it was what was right for us. After I re-adjusted to the US, I went on to finish 2 more years at Uni, then worked in for another year and a bit, before starting my Master's in the UK.  He made more sacrifices than me during the 3.5 year LDR-bit (I was a biochem major), but I've made the sacrifice to move here. We don't really discuss it in that sort of way though, because to us, we're just happy to be together.

So it's okay to have hope, and in some cases, it does work out.  I'm lucky enough for it to have worked out (so far!), and wish the same happiness for you.  Keep us posted on how things work out :)
2007-Short Term Student;   2010-T4;   2011-T1 PSW;   2013-FLR(M);    2015-ILR;    2016 - Citizenship (approved!)


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I did a year abroad at Sheffield in 1992-1993.  I fell in love and came back home and could have written the exact same post that you have written (except we barely had internet back then, much less online chat forums...)  At any rate, I was desperate to go back to Sheffield, to my English University life and to the boy.  We felt like we were too young to get married, and long distance was too difficult.  We did stay in touch and see each other several times over the next 5-10 years but eventually fell out of touch.  I still thought of him over the years, always fondly, and wondered how he was.

In 2010, he found me on Facebook.  Neither of us had ever married.  We started writing.  A lot.  We started visiting.  As nearly 40 year olds at this point, we both had the money to carry on the relationship that just wasn't feasible in our early 20s.  We got married this past December and I am waiting now to hear about my spouse visa so that I can go back to England and start our life together.

You really never know what is going to happen in this life. 

Good luck to you.


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I did a year abroad at Sheffield in 1992-1993.  I fell in love and came back home and could have written the exact same post that you have written (except we barely had internet back then, much less online chat forums...)  At any rate, I was desperate to go back to Sheffield, to my English University life and to the boy.  We felt like we were too young to get married, and long distance was too difficult.  We did stay in touch and see each other several times over the next 5-10 years but eventually fell out of touch.  I still thought of him over the years, always fondly, and wondered how he was.

In 2010, he found me on Facebook.  Neither of us had ever married.  We started writing.  A lot.  We started visiting.  As nearly 40 year olds at this point, we both had the money to carry on the relationship that just wasn't feasible in our early 20s.  We got married this past December and I am waiting now to hear about my spouse visa so that I can go back to England and start our life together.

You really never know what is going to happen in this life. 

Good luck to you.

What a lovely story!


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Shelleybeans, what a lovely post it  made me smile! 


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I did a year abroad at Sheffield in 1992-1993.  I fell in love and came back home and could have written the exact same post that you have written (except we barely had internet back then, much less online chat forums...)  At any rate, I was desperate to go back to Sheffield, to my English University life and to the boy.  We felt like we were too young to get married, and long distance was too difficult.  We did stay in touch and see each other several times over the next 5-10 years but eventually fell out of touch.  I still thought of him over the years, always fondly, and wondered how he was.

In 2010, he found me on Facebook.  Neither of us had ever married.  We started writing.  A lot.  We started visiting.  As nearly 40 year olds at this point, we both had the money to carry on the relationship that just wasn't feasible in our early 20s.  We got married this past December and I am waiting now to hear about my spouse visa so that I can go back to England and start our life together.

You really never know what is going to happen in this life. 

Good luck to you.

Awe!  [smiley=smitten.gif]


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shellybeans, that's such a wonderful story.   :D


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I understand where you are coming from, and I tend to agree with the worry that if you've already broken it off, perhaps you won't be dedicated enough for a long distance relationship. I tend to at least try to be logical and rational, especially in those situations - hope for the best but expect the worst. However, despite my somewhat skeptical ways, I try to live by the following mantra:

I'm a fairly massive risk taker and always have been; deciding long ago that the pain of failure is no where near as profound as the pain of staring up at your ceiling at night knowing deep down you didn't have the guts to try. That regret is something I refuse to live with, so I keep asking. Doing. I get my teeth kicked in 99 percent of the time, but when I win... I win big. Dream-come-true-big.
-Eric Schaeffer

I was in a slightly different situation and have to say because of a few risks of heartache,I won the man of my dreams.

I had recently graduated from college ("uni") and moved to Seattle a few years ago. I got a fantastic job marketing for a manufacturer.... through which I met a very charming Englishman who sold our products into the UK and Europe. We met about 2 years ago and quickly became great friends. We had an eight hour time difference and were separated by 5,000 miles - I would see him 1-2x per year for work... He convinced me to get WhatsApp and we chatted as "friends" for about a year and a half before I announced my crush on him. I actually told him about it in hopes it would make my crush disappear - because really - I didn't think it could happen. It seemed too much like a fairy tale.

Despite the distance, and the chance that we could lose our jobs that we both loved dearly, a month or so after I told him, we had to meet for work. I have never felt a more magnetic attraction and genuinely feel I found my soul mate. We started dating long distance and quickly worked out that we found in each other something neither of us had ever anticipated feeling toward anyone - let alone someone who lived so far away.

When I was in your shoes I thought it was impossible, stupid and never going to happen, but it can and will if you're really right for each other. It was hard and is a constant struggle to be away from everything you know and love - but if you liked it here for so long, it can happen if you try. Not to mention, your situation was more serious from the start than my own.

We texted constantly through whatsapp and skyped on weekends and tried to see each other every six weeks. I would add movies I loved to his Lovefilm account and I beat him on Sky Sports fantasy football in his mates' league. We did everything we could to be as involved in one anthers lives as possible. Because our employers were understanding and we already traveled that was a massive help and I am incredibly grateful for it.

We got married in September last and I now live in England with my charming English husband. If I didn't know my own situation, perhaps I would say it was silly of you to dream, but my dreams came true and no matter how hard it can be to feel foreign it's 1000% worth it. For the right person, of course. As cheesy as it sounds, I firmly believe in "when you know you know" - and you can make it work and will make it work even if that person is from another country and it seems the odds are stacked against you.

Best of luck :)



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Shellybeans,

What a wonderful and uplifting story.   Wish you all the best with the spouse visa


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I know this thread is old but I couldn't help but comment on Shellybeans story! It gives me hope and know that I will be with my man soon!! Thank you!!
Met my Brit on April 28, 2012


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I am going to comment based on my own experiences. NO MATTER WHAT, really get to know him. Take those romantic blinders off. The fairy tale mode has to end at some point. If not, you will make the mistake I did. Read my posts.


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My husband spent a year studying in England and we met at uni. We fell in love and when he went back to the US we said we would see how it went and not be exclusive. Then I visited him about three months later and neither of us had seen anyone else and decided we didn't want to, so we stayed together. We met in 2003, married in 2006, and had our son in 2010. I lived in the US from 2006-2012 and now we are apart once again while my husband waits for his settlement visa to move to the UK. If you guys love each other there will be obstacles to overcome but it'll be worth it. Only you know your relationship and how you feel, but we made it work. I can't imagine not meeting my husband or not being with him.
05/31/06 - married in the U.S.
07/08/13 - Confirmation from FedEx that USC husband's visa application (non-priority) received by Sheffield processing office.
08/6/13 - Email from Sheffield saying that package has been received and is being prepared for processing.
08/14/13 - husband paid for priority service.
08/15/13 - email from Sheffield saying application will be placed in priority queue and processed within a few days.
08/21/13 - Decision has been made email
08/23/13 - Visa arrived in mail


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It's good to note the dates of threads.  This one is over a year old.


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I wanted to thank everyone for your advice and stories! Since i posted this, my ex english boyfriend and i have not been dating. I think that at the time he felt quite young and did not see how it would work and was afraid to get hurt. Since than however we have gone on living our lives but we have made sure to keep in contact once in a while sort of like old friends or family and we feel very much like good friends. I still think about him time to time and i feel as if he thinks of me at times too, we wish each other happy birthday, and we tend to catch up at least every few months. I just learned from him recently he will be around this summer for about a week and i will go and visit him when he is here! It will have been about two years since we saw each other in person and i am really excited. I feel as if when we meet up we might feel as if nothing has changed, based on our most recent conversation, and i am hopeful that this may be a second chance for me to discuss my feelings with him and see how he feels about us.


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