Hello Everyone,
I've posted bits of my story before on this website. My immediate & urgent need is for advice regarding divorcing my wife, & how to best protect myself & my few assets after the most harrowing experience of my life. But 1st, I'll give a quick run-down of my story.
My wife & I "met" online in July 2009. In hindsight, her intention to target me was obvious from the beginning, but I was a trusting soul. I'm visually impaired (legally blind in the States & severely sight impaired in the UK), & it so happens that all of my close blood relatives are deceased. I lived a very isolated & lonely existence.
W/in approx 2 wks of meeting me, my wife - how to put it politely? - did some sexual things via webcam that startled me. I was wary, but carried on. I fell for the oldest trick in the book.
Our 1st face-to-face visit came in Oct 2009. I spent 10 days in the UK w/ my wife. While there, she unexpectedly erupted in anger & erratic behavior, frightening me greatly. I'm very short & petite for a guy, while my wife is 6 ft tall, & at least 2x my body weight. I had made an acquaintance who lived in the same vicinity as my wife, & this acquaintance rushed over in the middle of the night to rescue me. But alas, I returned to wife's home, & the relationship continued.
As the relationship turned serious, I knew it would be me who would have to relocate to the UK, as my wife has 4 children, 1 of whom has Down's syndrome. I wanted to know if my wife owned her house. I was wary of living anywhere that I didn't have legal entitlement to the property, & could be thrown out on a whim. I was willing to pay my wife half the value of her property, & have my name put on the deed. My wife told me that she DID own her home. So w/ that piece of info, the topic of finances was put aside as the relationship continued.
By July 2010, we talked of marriage. She planned to visit me in the US for that month. She said she didn't have quite enough $$$ for her airline ticket; if I'd just pay for it online, she’d repay me during her visit. She didn’t EVER repay me. However, w/ me in deep denial, we went forward w/ our marriage on 20 July.
I had a little dog named Otis who was 12 yo when we got married. After our marriage, I began working on my visa application, & the PETS scheme to bring my dog w/ me. I was concerned abt my dog’s age & other stuff, but I couldn't find an alternative home for her. We’d completed the 6-month waiting period & were ready to move by Dec 2010. My visa application was ready for submission except for ONE detail; I needed something from my wife PROVING that she owned her home.
The drama began. My wife told me one story after another, each becoming more bizarre. The stories morphed until my wife claimed that her father had accidentally taken her deed to Canada, where he’d left it with my wife’s sister. The sister had “stolen” the house on paper by getting her name put on it, was under arrest in Canada, & awaiting extradition to the UK! This was amazingly corrected by the Luton Land Registry Office. But the corrected deed NEVER made its way to my home!
My wife was SUPPOSED to bring the deed with her when she visited me in Feb 2011, but it was “lost” in a luggage “fiasco.” I gave my wife $200 to have a copy overnighted to me upon her return to the UK. Still, it didn’t come.
The nasty truth came to the fore in late Feb. In a chat on Facebook, my wife's cousin asked me when I was going to move to the UK. Upon explaining the problem, the cousin informed me that my wife DIDN’T own her home; it was a COUNCIL HOUSE.
Confronted, my wife cried, begged, said she'd been ashamed to admit living in a council house, afraid she'd lose me, & once the lie had been told, she didn't know how to get out of it. Stupid me, I forgave her. I submitted my visa application. In July 2011, my dog & I moved to the UK.
More incidents of rage. More lies uncovered. Lost count of the number of times I had to flee to a B&B. Found out my wife’s kids had been on the “at risk” register for years. More stuff than you can imagine. But my wife shows a very charming persona. She seems socially confident, & can strike up a conversation w/ anyone w/ ease. She's reasonably intelligent, & can certainly schmooze w/ the best of 'em. She plied me w/ mountains of attention, compliments & seemingly loving gestures. She idolized me, & I sorely needed that kind of attention. That's how she sucked me into her web of deceit. But once I moved, everything changed dramatically.
The stress of the preceding months took its toll, & I suffered a small stroke coupled w/ Bell's palsy 1 wk after arrival. Being visually impaired, we already knew my adjustment period would be lengthier than for most. The medical problems only increased my dependency & made matters worse.
My wife did care for me during that time period, but her attitude toward me shifted. I was no longer on that high pedestal, but her fits of rage increased to the point that she was eventually screaming at me on a near-daily basis.
She constantly belittled & mistreated the kids, & complained abt the heavy burden she endured b/c of them. She'd threaten the kids that she was going to make them pack their bags & move out. Or, she'd threaten that she was going to pack HER bags & disappear. Lots of extremely nasty abuse flung at all of us in the household.
For a long while, I comforted myself b/c she'd never exactly hurt me physically. But the warning signs for that soon presented themselves. She'd invade my physical space, get up in my face, throw stuff, shove me as she walked past me, etc. On my birthday, Oct 2011, she actually hit me. We were in the car alone. In one of her rages, she’d turned up the radio FULL BLAST. I reached to turn the radio down. She grabbed my hand as she was driving (endangering both of us) & started tussling w/ me. She let go of the steering wheel w/ her other hand, & struck me in the face. It didn't leave a mark, but she caused my very thick glasses to be flung into the back seat.
I groped the back seat to find my glasses. By the time I'd retrieved them, she'd pulled over to the side of the road & ordered me out of the car. I complied instantly, fearful of what would happen next. She drove off & left me standing there. I had NO IDEA where I was. I didn't have my white cane w/ me. I didn't have anyone in the UK to help me. I was traumatized. I tried to get some clue as to my location, finally seeing a McDonald's near a railroad crossing that looked familiar. I still didn't know exactly where I was.
I headed toward the McDonald's to ask for help, but as I crossed the entrance to the car park, a car sped past & almost ran over me. W/o my white cane, I was in a seriously hazardous mess. I panicked & called a friend in the US, where it was then the middle of the night. He was concerned & advised me to call the police, which I did. My wife was arrested the next day, but nothing came of it. She hadn’t hit me hard enough to leave any marks, & so it was a case of her word against mine. Eventually, she begged me to come home. Which, STUPIDLY, I did.
I called the hotline number for a domestic violence charity. They wanted to assess the degree of my risk. I asked whether my wife would find out. They said she might, so I refused the assessment. Even so, she DID find out that I'd been in contact w/ the organization, thru the social worker who was then in charge of the welfare of her children. More tirades & insults & degradations & endless screaming.
She hit me a 2nd time in one of her rages & left a mark but I was too afraid to call the police. The bouts of rage continued to increase in frequency & intensity. In Mar 2012, I flew back to the US, thinking that I would not return to the UK. But w/o family to help me get re-settled, I caved in AGAIN. After 3 wks in the US, my wife begged me to come back, & I succumbed.
In early May morning, my wife began her last tirade. I felt trapped, & was reduced to self-injury, putting 3rd degree burns on my hand. The physical pain I gave myself was infinitely better than the emotional pain that had been inflicted by my wife. My hand was bleeding & oozing. I realized I needed medical care ASAP, but my wife refused to help, threatening to leave me alone for the entire day. Up to this point, my wife had controlled every single aspect of my life, & I hadn’t ONCE had the opportunity to speak to my GP in private.
When my wife left the house, I managed to find my GP's number. He carefully explained how to walk to his surgery. My heart stuck in my throat, I grabbed my backpack carrying nothing but my wallet and a couple of other items. It was a dangerous walk down a very busy road, but I made it to the surgery.
I explained to my GP what had happened. By that time, I'd begun to research my options for getting ILR in the UK as a vulnerable adult victim of domestic abuse. I asked my GP if he'd support me in such an effort, & he said YES. He got me taken to yet another B&B. I accepted the help of two different DV charities. Made an appointment w/ a solicitor. A MARAC meeting was scheduled on my behalf.
But then began the real agony. My little dog also endured my wife’s abuse. Thru my wife's taunting & the chaotic environment, my little dog who had NEVER had a behavior problem, became snappish.
W/in a day or 2, my wife dumped my 8 pieces of luggage on the doorstep of a charity that had been helping me. The charity wouldn't keep the luggage for more than 24 hrs. I had to have the luggage transported to the B&B, but had to take a larger, more expensive room to accommodate the luggage!
All these times I'd fled the home, to my despair, I'd had to leave my dog w/ my wife. I had no choice - I hardly was able to take care of myself. My wife called me the following day & said, "I got rid of your dog." I begged her to tell me where she'd taken my dog. She refused. Next day, she called again & told me she still had my dog. I asked her why she lied to me. She said, "I didn't lie to you. I was going to take the dog away, but the kids cried." More emotional abuse. :-(
My wife changed her mobile number, & made herself unreachable. Calling again she said, "If you don't come & get your dog in 10 minutes, I'm going to tie her up outside." But there was nothing I could do! Fruitlessly, I called the RSPCA.
Neighbors had made allegations of animal cruelty to the RSPCA abt my wife in the past. Every animal that had been in her care since I'd known her had ended up dead, including 2 rabbits, 2 cats, & an unknown number of gerbils. The children had talked wistfully abt dogs from the past that seemed to appear & disappear like so much rubbish. But I never got the full story abt ANYTHING from my wife. There were always excuses & lies & half-truths.
I had spoke w/ a friend of mine in the US who agreed to take my dog for the rest of her life if need be. I only had to have her shipped to him. I was more than willing to do so, but I had no means of contacting my wife. She was so unreasonable in her rages that no normal conversation could’ve taken place anyway.
Thereafter, I received ANOTHER phone call from my wife telling me that my dog had been "destroyed." She said my dog had bitten a visiting toddler. As usual, her story seemed untruthful. Supposedly, the police came and demanded that my dog be destroyed. My poor little dog. :-( Alas, I did get so far as to verify that my dog was put down, tho exactly how or why I still don't know. My wife demanded of me the £200 that she paid to have her put down!
It was then that I caved in, & was on a flight back to the US on 26 May. There is much, much more to this sorry saga than I’ve been able to convey here. But in quick summation, I’ve been corresponding with my SIL in Canada – the same sister accused of “stealing” my wife’s house. She WARNED me to protect my assets. She said that my wife is already £60K in debt to their parents b/c of her shenanigans. There is no doubt in my mind that my wife targeted me as a vulnerable individual, & lured me in for the sole purpose of getting what little $$$ I had. Now I'm terrified that she will somehow be able to get hold of my remaining assets. Being disabled & w/o blood relatives, my little bit of assets constitute all that stands between me & utter devastation. I really can't endure any more trauma. I need to get divorced from her, secure my safety & assets, & get her completely out of my life ASAP.
As part of the pattern of "financial abuse," not only did I pay for my wife's trips to the US w/ her FAILED promises to repay me; I also sent her numerous wads of $$$ via Western Union to get her out of scrapes, promises to repay never kept. Once I was in the UK permanently, we went thru 4 junk automobiles that were largely financed by me. I bought my wife a big screen TV, a Tempur-pedic mattress, had custom shelving installed in the bedroom, & the list drones on. After the "big lie" abt the house, despite my pleas, we never discussed finances. My wife made the outrageous promise that she’d provide for our financial needs - that she'd only ask for my help on those occasions when she needed it - a little here & there.
NEVER ONCE did I refuse her $$$ when she asked, except when she wanted me to pay her for destroying my dog! Her youngest daughter had a birthday on 31 May. My wife asked me to send $$$ for her birthday. I told her I would not send her any $$$, but if she picked out something on Amazon, I'd order gifts to be delivered. But no, my wife didn't really want gifts for the child. She wanted MY $$$!
While we were together, my wife kept everything financial hidden from me, NEVER showing any bills. At the very end, she gave me the brutal news that she was some £2,000 in arrears in council rent & tax! But she never even mentioned falling behind! Since I was almost dependent on my wife, I had no control over anything that went on. What a mess.
I fear that the council tax is the one area where she may have a claim against me (IF she's telling the truth). But given the entirety of the story, that I gave her endless streams of $$$, that she hid the financial details of the household, & the abuse that I endured (documented by the one police report, the MARAC meeting & the support of my GP), is there some way she can come after me for this $$$? I don't have $$$ to spend depending myself. Soon turning 56, I old age to worry about. I truly need some practical advice re: how to safely get this woman OUT OF MY LIFE w/o any more damage.
Thanks for yr patience. I hope UK-Yankee will come thru for me again. Really distressed. :-(
Teddy
