Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.

I've been here for about a year, and I've also been waiting for it to get a little bit easier. But no luck with that. Since I've been here things have gotten much worse than it was to begin with, I was pregnant and had a 4 year old. My husband (who is British) works a lot, and I spend a great deal of my time alone. We have no alone time ever and asking anyone to babysit is like pulling teeth. I've tried to speak to his mother about why I feel it's important to have alone time, and her response is usually like this "you have children so what do you expect?" and I am not able to drive or get around unless I walk, which is okay, but not what I'm used to at all. I never learned to drive a stick shift so I'm screwed in that department. But some of the times when I'm actually hoping for a "well done" or anything like that, I get the "I had to do it"... Ahhhh I want to just scream sometimes. To put it plain, out of the year and so months I've been here my husband has spent not even 24 hours alone. We asked if our children could stay the night with the "in laws" and his mother was like "why do they have to stay the night? Is it that you don't want to wake up with them?" like, WTF? No?... Just would really appricieate a break. Which "I" never have. I have been with my children every day non stop since I arrived, which also, I'm not used to. My family in the states were more than happy to take my daughter for a night or two, so I could have alone time. We have talked to my father in law about this, and he actually feels bad about it. But can't say much because my mother in law is "just that kind of woman". He also said we could blame my husbands grandmother because she tells my mother in law, that "she needs to have a life too" and "the children aren't in any way her responsibility"... I agree, they're not, but I don't know of any grandparents that thought of their grand children as a chore or task. Needless to say, I've made literally NO friends yet. so all I have are my two children and my husband who I have no time to actually speak to. I'm going insane. I tried to explain to his family that I can't make friends when I can't even get out. And as I spend every day with my kids already and am in desperate need of adult interaction, I'd say going to a toddler group to be surrounded by more kids, where all you do is talk about kids, is not my cup of tea... I don't think anyone gets how damn hard this is and it's literally killing me. I'm so alone here. Maybe they know it's hard, but I really don't think anyone cares. Plus, I don't know how to be nice to his grandmother or mother, when I know the way they feel about this situation from hell.

Well, as much as you don't want to go to kids groups, maybe you should because even though "you'll talk kids" maybe over time you'll meet some adults and develop some friendships out side of the play time. And maybe if you develop these friendships outside of playtime they'd be willing to watch your kids for a bit so you can go have some alone time.

Can you talk to your husband about learning to drive a stick? I assume from your post that is the kind of car you have? It's really not that hard, just takes some practice.

Is there a day care that you could send your kids to for a couple days a week so you have your alone time?

I think a toddler group is the right idea, actually.  Who says the other mothers will only talk about kids?  Surely, you arent the only mother who craves real adult conversation.  I would really give that a try before you dismiss it.  I know several mums who swap childcare - one takes the other's children when she gets her hair done, the other takes the other's when she wants a meal with her husband. Win win.

Oh and you dont NEED to drive a manual to drive in the UK.  Automatics are readily available. Would you be able to afford a cheap second car?

xposted with Meghan

Hi Loti nukay!

I don’t have kids, so I can’t appreciate what it’s like to be in your position, but I can sympathize because I know that when I’m not getting alone time, I get really frustrated and annoyed. Obviously being a parent is 24/7 job, but you are entitled to a date night here and there with just your husband. I’m not sure what your finances are like, but can you not hire a babysitter for an evening so you can get out with your husband? Has your husband tried discussing watching the kids for a night with your mother-in-law? Perhaps he’ll have more success?

I’m sorry you feel like no one cares about your troubles. Perhaps they do, but their way of showing it is different than how you family would? Maybe you could discuss how you feel with your mother-in-law?

Regarding making friends, I haven’t made any friends here either. I haven’t really met anyone apart from DH’s family and friends. It’s tough, but when I’m feeling down about it, I reach out to my friends back home and that usually brightens my mood. I'm hoping this will change when I eventually start working.


I hope you find a solution soon! Feel better.

Oh I don't know. It's still annoying to have such a hard mother in law. I can't even trust to speak with her anymore because she twists what I say to her and goes and talks to her mother about the whole situation. ): I feel like they all think I'm a terrible mother and wife because I can't do what they did. And how they did it. I dont fit in with them. ( a whole other rant) but they are both very judgmental, and I think things went down hill last Christmas in regards with my reputation and them. When my husband and I were out with the family for a meal and they were talking about everyone they saw, and just judging everything. And I spoke out and said "I don't see where they're any different from us?" they all just shut up and then I have never felt comfortable around them since. So maybe it's not just the fact that I want alone time. It's a whole mountain of different things that makes it very hard to be here ): but I love my husband so much, I couldn't leave him over them. But it wouldn't surprise me if that would be someone's goal in the whole deal. One thing that has tipped me off on that was once while talking to his mother she's strangely asked what my thoughts were in divorice. I have a strange suspicion that they might be making it hard on purpose? And we do have a standard car. Have a year until we can trade it in for an automatic ): I know there's more that is bothering me, but there's so much I can't put it all down now. I feel like I'm living a crazy nightmare.

We can afford a baby sitter. But go figure... We get "spoken to" by the in laws for wasting money on a baby sitter. It's really not fun at all. They make no sence.

I agree with the other girls, I met many of my good friends at baby/toddler groups and we rarely atlk about kids. We have a babysitting circle, we do school runs for each other, and we have a book club, so its not all about kids. So I say get out to a baby group, I find going to the groups to be a brilliant respite, you can sit and drink coffee and gab while the kids play in a safe place. Its a win win situation. We also have no family around, so we don't get much of a break, but I do ask my friends for help with the kids, they are great.

Learn to drive, beg borrow or steal to take lessons, it will change your life. Your husband should really want you to be happy and more independant, he should support you on this.

And *bleep* the inlaws, who care what they say about you. Its your life, your kids...unless they are supporting you financially, who cares how you spend your money? Good luck!

It sounds to me that you have yourself convinced that things are so terrible (and it sounds like they are far from great) that you can't see things ever changing. You really must get out of that negativity or you will drag yourself further down AND come across poorly to new people you might meet.

Re: your mother in law, why is she such a big deal?  Do you live with her?  My father in law is an absolute nightmare and says horrible things to me pretty much every time I see him, but so what?

Shes a big deal because she puts herself in every situation. I actually don't understand why I let it get to me so much, but sadly enough she is the only other person I have here. And it sucks, because shes just so DJFKLSDJFKLDJSLKJ  annoying. I mean who doesn't want their inlaws to like them? The worst part is if we are in public, she will take it upon herself to be the worlds best grandmother, and she will talk about how much she loves her grand children and all of that, and it just drives me insane. ): I miss feeling normal. I wish she wasn't a big deal, but she is. And you're right, I don't really see things ever getting better. The way I have decribed it to my husband is I feel like this is hell. And that my life is over, and will just stay like this forever. I don't know what to do. I kinda want to scream. I have to pick my daughter up and drop her off to school everyday, which is about an hour long trip, and yesterday I cried the whole way there. I basically cry all the time. I feel confused and lost and just insane. My mother in law has said to me "I've never met two people more unorganized than you and (My husband)" I was like, well I'm overwhelmed, and I've never been like this prior to being here. I have always been on track and organized, but since I"ve been here, I'm flustered and just all out of sorts. She said "well thats what I felt like when I was rasing my children"... I just want to say, it has nothing to do with that... but I just agree and say yeah and I don't know. What I really want to say is F*** off...

Have you talked to your GP? From what you describe, you sound depressed, and the GP should be able to help with that.

If you are committed to turning your life around, things will change. It's hard when you feel like you have no independence and no support. Do what you need to do to feel happy and stuff the in-laws if they don't like it. It's not their life and you obviously don't see eye to eye on these matters, so who cares about their approval. I understand you want them to like you, but is it worth being unhappy to placate them?

I also agree with Geeta.

I've been here for about a year, and I've also been waiting for it to get a little bit easier. But no luck with that.

Honestly- It took me longer than a year for things to be "easy" (or easier) and I didn't just have an infant! Don't put too much pressure on yourself to feel settled. Lots of people on here say it takes closer to two years.

It's hard when in-laws aren't really supportive when we are away from our biological families, I've dealt with that issue myself. For me it is about accepting them for their limitations and letting go of my expectations, though it's still very much an ongoing process!

My mother in law has said to me "I've never met two people more unorganized than you and (My husband)"

Um, isn't she to blame for one of those 'unorganized' people then?   Get a baby sitter and don't give her an explanation. It is YOUR family and YOUR kids. Don't give her so much credit and, as Mirrajay said, don't let her negativity drag you down.


I would suggest the same as Meghan- is there a way you can afford a day or two of daycare/hiring a child minder?  Maybe you could take driving lessons during that time. Maybe it would also help if you traded in for an automatic?

As everyone else said- the toddler group probably has at least one mom in a similar situation to you and even if you don't become besties you could trade off baby sitting on date nights.

I can sympathize with the husband working long hours, when I first moved here DH worked crazy hours and we only spent time together during the weekends, in the company of his parents- I hated every part of our life together then. Have you talked to your DH really about the stress you are under- is there anyway he can work more flexible hours?

Other suggestions which are repeated around in these parts
- try to get outside everyday, even just for a walk.
- think about part time work or volunteering (if you can get a childminder) to meet people and have some adult interaction.
-look at meetup.com or similar for ways to meet people in your area. I've meet people from Twitter, meetup, and UKY. Friend dates are awkward, yes, but it is good to get out and socialize.

Yes I've been put on anti depressants. And was on them for about 5 months. The GP took me off of them and said I'm not clinically depressed. Just basically put it in these terms "any one in your position would feel low, but I don't think it's depression". He laughed it off, and i did also. Cause he's actually right. No amount of medication will make this better. So if I love my husband. I just have to deal with it, because this is what comes with him, I suppose?

I know my ways of looking at the world aren't always popular, but if your MiL and gMiL are actively trying to make your life more difficult, refuse to spend time with them. Kiss your husband on the cheek, tell him and the kids to have fun at lunch with their grandparents and take a bubble bath. Be polite when you see them, but refuse to be drawn into a conversation about anything beyond "how do you do? Some weather we're having, huh? Well, have a nice day."  If and when they're willing to be civil you can consider letting them back into your life but until then, protect yourself.  Never say anything bad about them to your husband or your children but don't put up with them be rude to you, either.

Also, I agree with most of the previous commenters with regards to attending the toddler groups and hiring an occasional babysitter/childminder. Bonus, if you refuse to talk to your MiL you don't have to listen to her complain about how you're spending the money and if your children are out of the house for a day or two a week you'd have a chance to get organized again and feel less flustered.

Join the playgroup.  Eventually, their children (and yours) will get older, and you will have established friendships and can do things together.  When my daughter was small, I exchanged babysitting with other moms, so we could all do things minus the kids.  An MDO program (mother's day out) might be good too.   

What you and your husband spend money on is none of your MIL's business.  If you're (plural) not asking them for money, they have no say.  Because she's such a nasty old bag, it is extremely important for you to get out there and make friends.

Learn to drive that stick!  I drove a stick for over 20 years, and went back to an automatic 3 years ago.  I'm glad I can drive either. 

Good luck, and take care of yourself.