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Topic: Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.  (Read 5671 times)

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Re: Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.
« Reply #15 on: July 12, 2012, 06:32:38 PM »
I agree with noirem.

My parents refused to speak to the other's parents (my grandparents) so I think this probably freed me from caring if my in-laws like me. 

They do and I'm glad, but if they hadn't well I didn't marry them.

That being said, join the toddler group.  I'm sure you will be able to find someone there who is able to watch your kids and you can even watch theirs at some point and then you won't have to spend any money. 

Where are you located?  Maybe there are some of us there?


Re: Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.
« Reply #16 on: July 12, 2012, 06:36:32 PM »
In short, and this might sound a little harsh, but I am an expat and also lived a long way from my family in the same country, so here goes:

Learn to drive stick, it isn't hard, in fact I taught my son in half an hour in the school car park
Go to toddler groups and eventually you will find women who don't just talk about their kids
Learn to ignore your mother in law, it can be difficult but you have to live your own life
Don't expect anyone to want to take your kids to give you alone time (it could be a cultural thing or just a mean thing), but do shell out for a babysitter

Wishing you nothing but good luck in your life in the UK!


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Re: Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.
« Reply #17 on: July 12, 2012, 06:39:36 PM »
I also feel your pain about someone pretending in public to be the World's Best Grandmother and then not actually wanting to do anything that would actually earn them that role.

My husband says if we have kids it will be perfect for my mom.  She can moan about how she never gets to see her grandchild without actually having to do anything/buy anything for the kid because we live overseas. And she can complain about how I am a horrible person for not having my kid in the US.  ;D

I felt sooooo much better once I finally got my license.  My husband doesn't drive at all, but I only drive an automatic.  There are tons of them around.


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Re: Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.
« Reply #18 on: July 12, 2012, 08:11:07 PM »
Hello. Interesting to read your post.  I can't
Totally imagine adjusting as a parent and only recently
Moving here too !!  Hugs to you.  I am finding
It hard with a 20 month old and no family support. 
I think if u could do something for yourself that might
Help a tiny bit.  Maybe a break a half day a week
While the kids are in nursery ?
I don't really like the toddler groups too much either so I sympathise
We have one of the gals at nursery babysit for us now as no family will !!
I feel down about being a mum here too. Ad I miss mychildfree life and time
With hubs. Hope u r okx
My home for 18 years since June 2002. Became a citizen 2006


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Re: Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.
« Reply #19 on: July 12, 2012, 10:05:39 PM »
I am not sure how old your kids are, but there is some funding available to send two year olds to nursery, as well as the available 3 year funding, for 15 hours of nursery a week.

I am a stay at home mother with two kids, 6 and 2, my 2 year old goes to nursery one day a week so I can get a break, the time goes by so quickly in a day, but the time to myself is a lifesaver. I can do some ebaying, go out with a friend, whatever....it costs about £40 a week, but its well well worth it!

You are the only person who can make a change in your life, so please, get out to a playgroup, start chatting to people, learn to drive a stick (honestly, its not difficult) and make your own life better!  Good luck!


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Re: Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.
« Reply #20 on: July 12, 2012, 11:00:35 PM »
We've got a good thread for you, time to bring it back up  ;)

The Official UKY Inlaw Venting Thread

If you don't like play groups, try and find something you do like - toddler music classes or story-time at the library or art classes or baby yoga or baby rave or whatever works for you and you can bring your kids along, do something a bit interesting and different.   
And screw the in-laws, get yourself a sitter since you can afford it!!! It will do wonders for you, I can only imagine!

And Danielle is right, many people do take a long time to feel settled and you shouldn't feel bad about that, that's why we're here to support.  Be kind to yourself!
I've never gotten food on my underpants!
Work permit (2007) to British Citizen (2014)
You're stuck with me!


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Re: Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.
« Reply #21 on: July 13, 2012, 03:53:14 AM »
So for clarification and maybe I missed it, but do you live with your in-laws? If not, then how are they in the loop with your lives? Like, how do they know when you hire a sitter etc?

I'm going to assume you do not live with your in-laws. If so, can you guys afford to move out?

With your MIL, this is all about setting correct boundaries in the relationship. Which starts with you not sharing every part of your life with her. That is what the husband is for. If she starts to probe, just keep it light and change the subject. Because she knows everything that is going on, that gives her power over you. So even if she is the only other adult interaction, it needs to stop.

Again, as others have said, start going to the kids groups. Go for walks to the park. Strike up conversations with other moms (or dads). You will meet parents who do have interests other than their kids.

What does your husband say about all this? Will he support not giving his mum all the information of your daily life details if she starts to probe? If so, then you are well ahead of the game. She can't put herself in your life if you don't let her. And what better way to put her off if she calls than to say "Sorry, I'm just about to take the kids to a play date." Let her mull that over for a bit.

My DH's  mum has dedicated her life to the care and feeding of DH, to the detriment of her own life. But that was her choice. DH lets her come over to clean and to visit (up to 6 days at a time even tho she lives 20 Minutes away) because "it's all she has." Well, that is her choice. But he and I have decided together that we have to establish an appropriate boundary which is now we will go visit and take the kids over once every couple of weeks for dinners etc. Maybe have her over to watch the kids if we go out but then take her home the same night.

You and your husband have to decide what the appropriate boundary will be and then start to do it. Which means if she calls to pry, that you divert her by asking about her life or cutting the call short saying "everything is fine but I am (in the middle of cleaning, going on a play date, giving the kids baths) and we'll give you a call soon."

Then grab your kids and go for a walk to the park.

I can totally understand feeling isolated and alone. But you do have options and usually taking the first step is the hardest part. Get a book or magazine, head to those play dates and take the bull by the horns!

Now... if you live with them I have an entire different set of ideas. So let us know. :0)
June 1989: 1st time we met.
June 2009: Reconnected... yes on FaceBook.
Jan 2010: he invited me to the UK by saying "get your ars* on a plane!"
May 2010: I arrive in UK for visit.
April 2011: ask him to marry me.
May 18 2


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Re: Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.
« Reply #22 on: July 13, 2012, 09:03:47 AM »
I know my ways of looking at the world aren't always popular, but if your MiL and gMiL are actively trying to make your life more difficult, refuse to spend time with them. Kiss your husband on the cheek, tell him and the kids to have fun at lunch with their grandparents and take a bubble bath. Be polite when you see them, but refuse to be drawn into a conversation about anything beyond "how do you do? Some weather we're having, huh? Well, have a nice day."  If and when they're willing to be civil you can consider letting them back into your life but until then, protect yourself.  Never say anything bad about them to your husband or your children but don't put up with them be rude to you, either.

Also, I agree with most of the previous commenters with regards to attending the toddler groups and hiring an occasional babysitter/childminder. Bonus, if you refuse to talk to your MiL you don't have to listen to her complain about how you're spending the money and if your children are out of the house for a day or two a week you'd have a chance to get organized again and feel less flustered.

Yes, this!
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it." -Eat Pray Love

beth@medivisas.com
medivisas.com


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Re: Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.
« Reply #23 on: July 13, 2012, 09:35:16 AM »
No do not live with them! Sorry this reply is going to be short I'm just stopping by to read the replies I've gotten, and will make time to reply more thoroughly in a bit. As someone asked me ealrier though, I'm located in West Sussex by Chichester. Talk to you all as soon as I get more time, later today! (: thanks for the responses.


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Re: Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.
« Reply #24 on: July 13, 2012, 10:06:44 AM »
I just wanted to offer my sympathies. I have a 16 month old and have never had a babysitter. The last time I was alone for myself (no counting doctor's, for example, or doing a quick shop alone) was in November when I got a hair cut. My MiL complains every time we talk to her about not getting to see our son enough, and other people have said "Oh, get MiL to watch him!" But she is not actually interested.

I hate HATE HATE! Baby groups. I don't know what it is but in these situations I always seem to be the odd one out--whether that is because I am american or because I am just awkward I don't know, but it happens. And it sucks. But I dragged myself to one every week until my son was about a year old and I did eventually manage to meet some other people who I can see outside of the groups now. We go on picnics or just have a chat while the babies play, and importantly, we can vent about our in-laws ;) I feel that crazy in-laws are an important bonding tool so consider yourself lucky!

I completely agree with Noirem, as well. I am not close with my mother-in-law. Our conversations do not go beyond the types of conversations you could have with someone at the bus stop. And I'm okay with that. If we got a baby sitter? She'd be the last to know. She's the last to know most things, but that's because my husband never rings anyone and she only calls when it's time to complain about something new.

If your father-in-law feels bad about not watching the kids, maybe you could invite him to your house and he could watch them there without your mother in law?

Big hugs, anyway! It will get better.


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Re: Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.
« Reply #25 on: July 13, 2012, 06:26:01 PM »
Finding a babysitter can be challenging.
I just hope that more people will ignore the fatalism of the argument that we are beyond repair. We are not beyond repair. We are never beyond repair. - AOC


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Re: Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.
« Reply #26 on: July 14, 2012, 05:39:02 AM »
Just reread my last post and I apologize if it comes off to harsh, it's not meant to at all. I can totally feel your frustration and I hope that you are able to find some ways to take a few steps forward.
June 1989: 1st time we met.
June 2009: Reconnected... yes on FaceBook.
Jan 2010: he invited me to the UK by saying "get your ars* on a plane!"
May 2010: I arrive in UK for visit.
April 2011: ask him to marry me.
May 18 2


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Re: Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.
« Reply #27 on: July 15, 2012, 05:05:44 PM »
I definitely feel your pain.  I've made zero friends my own age since I moved here.  I'm friendly with a few elderly ladies from church, but that's really not the same.  There are very, very, very few opportunities here for women my age (early 30's) to socialise that don't revolve around nursery/school.  And I can't have kids.

Also, I hate my MIL.  And I do live with her!

I also spoke to my GP about feeling depressed, and although he offered me meds, I came to the same conclusion you have-- it's not me that's the problem, it's the situation, and so I passed on them.  But I have found a (private) counsellor (hopefully), and so I'm going to try a session or two and see if having someone to talk to helps.  And I hope we get on, because she's the only one here.

But, yeah.  To chime in with everyone else....join the playgroups, etc.  You'll meet people, and that's the hardest part.  Plus, since you're all there for one reason, it'll help break the ice.  And, who knows?  After you've made a few friends of the other mums, you may be able to swap babysitting so you can all get a little alone time. :)

Also...either learn to drive stick, or buy an automatic car.  Whichever you do, you need wheels.  You need to be mobile.  It'll help you feel much, much better.




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Re: Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.
« Reply #28 on: July 17, 2012, 02:45:43 PM »
I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are having such a hard time.  It is easy to read what you write and then come back with answers on how to fix everything but it is much harder to apply them to real life.

I think your doctor was wrong though.  While you might not be clinically depressed you are going through a depression.  I am not one to suggest anti-depressants lightly, I myself have had two distinctly different times in my life where depression hit hard.  I did not take anti-depressants even though my doc suggested it the first time.  I knew the cause and knew I just had to work through it (death and divorce).  However, in your case your depression might be holding you back from making changes that could improve your situation.  I understand you were on them for some time but sometimes you need to change prescription or dose in order to have them work effectively.  Having a doctor who was sympathetic and listened with a concerned ear instead of laughing off your struggles might help too.

You need to find a way to get out there and meet people.  Library groups, mommy and me groups, volunteering, something.  You need to find people, and yes it isn't easy, that you can have an adult conversation with. You also need to find someone other than your mother-in-law to lean on.  It must be so very hard on you right now without a support system and worse the people there just try to pull you down.  If you can find just one other person you can start to ignore your mother-in-law completely.  The best thing would be to stop talking with her so she can't pull you down anymore.  She will not give you the support you need, she will not be the mother-in-law that you hope for.  Accepting she is a ..  not nice person and moving on from that hope will help.  Then you don't have to feel like a failure for trying  and not succeeding.

If your finances support it, see if you can fly out one of your friends or family members to spend a week or two with you.  If they come out and give you that support for a bit and that homey reminder then maybe it will help you refocus.

I am SURE you are not alone and I applaud you for talking about this and trying to bring attention to something that most likely is affecting a lot of people.  Perhaps you will get the help you need and help others in the process.

Oh and the next time your monster-in-law suggests that you are just doing what she did, for the love of God please put her in her place.  Say abruptly "Oh I didn't know you came from another contry and moved to a foreign land after getting married.  How did you deal with not having your mother there for you?  How did you deal with not knowing the culture or the not having anything familiar around you?  How did you deal with in-laws that were just horrible to you?"  Stop trying to reason with someone who cannot be reasoned with and just get her to shut up.  :)

I so hope you find things that can make you smile again and you find joy and happiness.  And when things are difficult remember you are not alone, but just haven't met the people who share in your situation but you might meet them right around the corner.

Hugs


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Re: Don't really think anyone understands how hard it is to be an expat.
« Reply #29 on: July 17, 2012, 02:50:21 PM »
Say abruptly "Oh I didn't know you came from another contry and moved to a foreign land after getting married.  How did you deal with not having your mother there for you?  How did you deal with not knowing the culture or the not having anything familiar around you?  How did you deal with in-laws that were just horrible to you?" 

No, don't say this.
Saying this is not going to help matters.


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